DW THIS IS NOT THE LAST CHAPTER. ONE MORE after this one. And then we finished boo.
Also be nice to my girl Ives, patient at least:)
When I woke up, there wasn't confusion, I startled awake. I knew what had happened. I knew what my parents had told me.
I knew I had collapsed. Due to exhaustion, shock, pain?
I didn't expect to wake up in hospital though. I fainted. What?
When I sit up, I'm literally alone in a hospital room and my head is pounding, probably due to the whole blacking out thing.
Where are my parents?
I lift my hand up to my head and my eyes widen when I feel a bandage covering my forehead. Jesus what happened.
Okay I thought I wasn't confused. But I am.
My head hurts.
Jesus Layton what did you do? Why would he- we talked. He was better.
Jesus.
Why did he? We, he?
God, the voices came back? Imagine if they had let him out?
I am so fucking confused how I feel.
If he been let out would this have just happened all over again?
Why didn't he have any help?
Why didn't they help him?
He was supposed to be seeing psychologists, wasn't he?
He was taking his meds, he was?
Goodness. I don't want to feel bad for him. I don't want to. I hate him.
And now I was angry.
At everything.
Because he should have been helped a long ass time ago.
The whole system needs to change. What system that is I do not necessarily know.
Just change.
"Ives." Jackson's voice startles me and I look up at him, wincing at the light.
"Jackson. Where are my mum and my dad?"
"Just filling out some paper work. God are you fucking okay?" he says, his legs carrying him to me quickly.
His hands placed on either side of my cheek, and he searches my eyes and I look at him confused.
"I am fine. I just- I guess I was shocked." I say and he places a kiss on my cheek and then my other cheek and then my eyes and then very softly my forehead.
"Jackson." I laugh and he glares at me.
"You scared me you dickhead."
"Mean." I say and look around the room for the time. "What time Is it?"
"Long gone midnight."
"What?" I breathe.
"You fell and hit your head pretty hard, your dad caught you but like a second too late so-" He gestures to my forehead and I bring my hands up.
"It's just a small cut, you'll get a cool scar." He says and I scrunch my nose up at the reference to a scar.
"I'm sorry I scared you." I whisper and he squeezes his eyes shut.
"You wouldn't wake up. You know how terrifying that was?"
"I would be scared too, if it was you." I breathe and he nods.
"I'm going to go and get our parents." He says and my eyes widen.
"Your parents?"
"Yes. They love you. They are here. God we had to send Lucy and Nora home because the doctors said there were too many people."
"Oh goodness." I say but my heart is warm.
"I'll be right back."
Did he know about Layton? He must do. Why didn't he mention it?
"Oh thank the lord." Charlotte says and I laugh at the fact she was the first person to come and see me.
My parents follow and I smile at them, and apologise for well the drama.
"I'm sorry. I'm fine. I promise."
"We'll just check that." A doctor's voice calls and I send him a quick smile but then freeze when I feel his hand on my arm.
Oh.
"No." I flinch away from him.
I stare down at my hands in shock as they shook. I don't know why I didn't want him to touch me.
"Miss James?" The doctors called and I flinch as his hand comes to my forehead.
"I need a female doctor." I breathe in fear and frown at myself.
Why was I suddenly afraid again? He touched my arm. It was fine.
My body was just freaked.
It's okay. We got this.
"I'm sorry." I apologise and find Jackson's eyes as he looks at me in concern.
"I'm good." I say to everyone and then rub my forehead, then wince because it hurt.
"I'll call in my intern, are you happy for me to stay in the room?" The doctor asks and I nod.
"Hi I'm Dr Hadley." A younger looking lady comes in and I breathe easier.
"Hiya." I say sending everyone a reassuring smile and I let her carry out the exam.
She shone lights in my eyes and made me follow her finger, It didn't seem very scientific.
"Neuro exam looks clear." She says looking back to her superior and he nods believing her.
"No sluggishness?"
"Nope."
"Okay." He nods writing it down on the clipboard.
"We will then probably be clear for you to go." He says and I sigh in relief.
"In the morning." He clears up and my eyes widen.
I only bumped my head?
"Observation, just to make sure." He says and the intern nods.
"Visiting hours are long gone, but one can stay on the chair." He nods. "Ivy should stay up anyway."
My mum nods and I watch in surprise when she starts gathering her things to leave and Jackson stays.
She places her hand on my forehead lightly and shakes her head. "You need to stop scaring me, or I will disown you."
"Oh." I laugh and send her an apologetic smile.
"We will talk about Layton tomorrow. Ivy promise me you understand that the same illness that made him attack you, made him do what he did yesterday too. This isn't in anyway shape or form connected to you, it never was."
I think about her words and they do make sense. I just. Everything was a little fucked.
"Okay." I whisper and smile as Jackson sits down on the chair.
"We will see you tomorrow." My dad says and he gives me a light hug as I lay back down in bed.
They leave with Jackson's parents and I smile to them too as they say good bye.
"Jackson." I whisper.
And he nods at me as I lie on my side to face him.
"I'm sorry about Layton. I think. I don't know. But are you okay?"
He watched me closely and he just shakes his head slowly at me. He kicks his shoes of and then stands up pulling the railing down and coming to lie next to me on the little bed. He moves my body over so he could fit and I let him pull me closely to him.
I wasn't scared with him.
So go me.
"Ives I was shocked, and I, my heart hurts for Luca. But. I guess I don't know how to feel either. I'm not sorry that he died, he hurt you so much."
"I know. That's how I feel too."
"You wouldn't let the doctor touch you." Jackson says and I nod into his chest.
"Yeah, I don't know why either. I was just scared."
"You dad told me you basically dove at him." Jackson chuckles and I scrunch my face up in embarrassment.
"I just don't think my brain could take any more." I laugh and then my heart starts hurting.
"Have you talked to anyone? Our friends? Do they know?"
"Yeah." He breathes and I know by the tone of his voice that it's Luca he's thinking about.
"Does he hate me?"
"No." Jackson assures. "But he is upset."
"I get it I guess. Oh goodness." I say thinking about it all again.
I bury my face into his chest and he holds me tightly against him.
"Jackson."
"Yeah?"
"Tell me more. Distract me. Paint to me what you were saying earlier?"
"We don't have to talk about this now Ives."
"Please. I need to think about something else."
"Okay." He says and he starts sitting up to which a send a glare and he laughs laying back down.
"Well you know I got a flat share, we haven't filled it yet. The other room. You'd obviously sleep in my bedroom, but we could have our separate spaces, like study space or just your thousands of clothes. I researched the apprenticeship, it would cover your half of the rent and well I have money." He says and my eyebrows raise at his statement.
"My parents left me money. It's dark ugly money, from drugs and illegal shit, but like, if I'm spending it on us I don't see how it could ever be ugly."
"Jackson." I breathe.
"The apprenticeship school thing is so good Ives, and it's literally the same one your dad is offering you just at a 11 to 18 institution."
"Do you not think we are too young?" I ask and he nods.
"When this idea first popped into my head I was like no we can't, but we were talking the other day on the beach and I just don't understand why we should wait."
"I just-."
"I mean it when I say you are it for me."
"I feel the same way." I say and then furrow my eyebrows.
"I don't know Jackson, I need time to think, and well talk to my mum." I laugh and he sends me a small smile.
I wasn't saying no.
But I couldn't just say yes because I loved him.
I needed to know this was doable.
.......
I was discharged early the next day. My mum came and got us and she took me straight to Dr Halpin's office.
Which I thought was a little rude.
But I mean, they take precautions now.
I can't really blame them.
Apparently things like this happen more often than it is talked about. Apparently he's had to pick up the pieces of a situation this this a few other times. He hadn't said that in those terms. But he did insinuate it.
A sense of normality.
This shit wasn't normal.
Everything that has happened in the past two years wasn't normal.
And do you know what the sickest part is? I feel a sense of relief.
Because I know he can never hurt me or anyone else again.
And for that I feel so fucking guilty.
I don't know how I feel. I am a little all over the place and I want to be alone and then I never want to be alone.
I have been in a awful mood, like an, angry at the world mood.
I'm doing Jackson's head in. I can feel it.
We were sat in the garden, round his mums. I hadn't been round in almost a week, that's how long it's been since I was discharged, and I've sort of been self-isolating.
I didn't know what to say to anyone.
I didn't want to admit that I felt a weird ass sense of sadness for the boy I hated with my whole heart. And I also didn't want to admit that I wasn't really that sad, that I felt a little safer in the world.
I didn't know how to explain that without seeming unstable, or an asshole.
"Do you want tea babe?" Jackson asks and I just shake my head, placing my forehead on my knees as I bring them towards me, trying to shake my head away from this situation.
It's all I've been able to think about.
I rescheduled my interview. The one for the local school. It was Thursday now and I just, I was trying to be less moody. Less all over the place.
But I was in a mood.
A huge ass mood. And it wasn't fair on him, or anyone.
"Ives, talk to me."
"I'm good." I mumble.
"You really aren't." He says, sliding closer to me and trying to duck his head to make eye contact.
We were sat on the little steps that separate the decking to the grass.
I look at him, and his concerned eyes and I have to hold back my eye roll. Honestly, I needed to shake this mood but it wasn't going anywhere.
"Please refrain from telling me how I feel." I mumble and then wince. "Sorry." I apologise.
"Ivy, I'm not trying to tell you how to feel, I am asking you to explain to me how you feel."
"I can't tell you something I don't know Jack."
He is silent for a beat and then a slight breathy chuckle falls from his lips. "Okay so Jackson is my full name right, and everyone shortens it down to Jack as like a nickname, and then when they are serious, they say my full name. You do it the other way around, and it's funny."
I turn my face towards him and rub my face in annoyance. I should probably go home.
"Ivy." He says and I raise an eyebrow at him.
"Mm?"
"I love you. Even when you are irritable and angry at me." He says and I feel my self deflate.
For goodness sake Jackson, just let me be angry, don't make me smile.
I feel my lips tug upwards and I turn my face away.
"Love you too." I grumble and Jackson laughs, his hands travelling to my chin and he pulls my face to face him.
"Say it properly." He commands and I roll my eyes.
"Ivy." He narrows his eyes and my smile grows a little bit.
"I love you too."
"Okay that's good." He laughs and wraps an arm around me, pulling me to rest into his side.
"Have you talked to your mum? Have you looked at that apprenticeship?" His words are soft but my temper is quick.
"Been a bit occupied."
"I know." He says quickly. "I was just asking."
"I can't." I snap and then take a short breath. Pulling myself out of his arms and standing up, walking to stand in front of him on the grass.
"You can't?"
"I just, everything is so mental right now, I can't just up and move as well."
"I know, I was just asking, if you had thought about it. It seems you have." Jackson says, his eyes a little cautious.
"I just, this isn't the right time Jackson."
"I feel like this is the perfect time, you need to get out of this time ba-"
"Don't tell me what I need." I say and he sighs, regret in his eyes. Probably for bringing it up when I was in such a bad mood.
"Ivy." He says, giving me a pointed look. It literally reads, you are being unreasonable. And I knew that, but why does he have to be so condescending sometimes?
"I need a little more time, I shouldn't have come here." I say and text my mum to see what she is doing.
"Ives, don't leave. We don't even have to be downstairs; nobody would mind. We could just camp out for the night in my room."
"Jackson I, I want to go home." I breath. I was messy at the moment. Goodness.
"Can I come?"
"I just-"
"Don't pull away from me." He says and I let out a low breath because I really wasn't doing that, like I was, but I wasn't. I just needed space.
"I promise you I'm not." I say and walk back towards him. I sit back down and when he turns his face towards mine, I lean in and press a soft kiss on his lips.
"Do you wanna stay at mine tonight?" I ask and he nods.
"But can you give me a few hours? I just, I want to try and get rid of this attitude."
His lips tug up at my admittance of an attitude and he nods, pressing his lips back down to mine.
I feel my phone vibrate and I look down.
Mum: Nothing, you okay?
Ivy: Can you pick me up from Jacksons?
Mum: Ok. On my way.
I turn my phone towards Jackson and he sighs reading the messages.
"I get it Ivy, what you were saying about moving. I want us to stay together no matter whether we are together together or not. If you don't want to move in with me, it's okay. Just tell me."
"It's not that. It's just- I don't know if I have the brain capacity right now." I laugh a little and groan. "Just, keep looking for roommates, tell your landlord to keep looking and well if someone gets it before I get the chance to sort my brain out then it's fate."
"Well I don't like that idea." He laughs and I just shrug.
"I do. It's less pressure on me."
"Okay." He says and I sigh leaning my head on his shoulder.
"Jackson I want a life with you. I want this too. I just, I don't know if it's a good idea at the moment."
"I hear you." Jackson says and places a kiss on my forehead.
"I need to go say goodbye to your parents." I mumble and pull away.
"I'll be in a second." He says and I frown. But go inside anyway.
......
Not long after, I am sat in the car with my mum and we are driving back home.
"I thought you were staying at his?"
"I um, decided I didn't want to."
"Why?" She asks gently and I just stare at the side of her face. Deciding whether or not to bring the moving idea up.
"Jackson wants me to move in with him next year." I say and I watch at her eyes widen.
"He does?"
"Yep."
"In the city?"
"Yep."
"What about your apprenticeship?"
"It's not a feasible idea, I know. But apparently they offer the same thing there."
"Why isn't it feasible?" She asks and I look at her in confusion.
"Um, because we are so young, because I am still navigating all this shit, because so is he? Because..."
"Ives, I don't think it's a mad idea. Sure okay I do not want you to leave me." She throws me an amused pout and then looks back at the road, turning into out road. "But like, if you can study, move out of this town, and be with him. I don't see-"
"Are you serious?" I ask. Heavily confused.
I really thought she wouldn't be on board. Why doesn't she think this is reckless? She's my parent.
"Yeah, your dad would agree too. Obviously, we would have to think about this properly, like we'd go through contacts and probably talk to you about having separate contracts..."
"He already said about that." I say quietly, my eyebrows furrowed at the fact she seems to want this for me.
What?
"And what about this programme? Have you looked into it? Are they still taking applications?"
"I don't know." I say.
"Well shall we look into it when we get home? You father can-"
"Mum I told him no, basically."
She nods over at me and her eyebrows furrow.
"You could just look into it? No harm there."
She says this softly, as if she knew she had just overwhelmed me.
I was curious, I did want to know.
"Okay." I say and sit back. We will go through it together and see what it looks like.
.....
It looked perfect and I was now so confused. It was exactly the same qualification that I would get here, but at a secondary school. They talk about their team, their mental health provisions and how they are passionate about student wellbeing being just as important as student academic progression. Stating how the two are closely related.
My dad thinks it's a great idea.
Do they just want me out the house?
Did they really think I should move in with him?
That we should start this? We'd been together officially like three weeks. This was ridiculous.
I was laying in bed overwhelmed. It was only three in the afternoon.
I just couldn't believe that my parents saw this in such a positive light. Maybe they were just sick of my drama.
I look down at my phone and see a text to Jackson asking what time he should come.
I stared at it.
And swiped off the message, clicking onto my group chat with Nora and Lucy. Deciding to group call them, I needed them to reassure me I wasn't mental, that this was a bad idea.
"Ives?" Lucy's voice comes through the phone and I simile.
"Hey let's wait until Nora picks up." I say and the Nora's voice comes through my phone too.
"I'm here. I'm here."
"Oh hi." I say and they both laugh a little gently. I haven't seen them either.
"You've been a little radio silent Ivy." Nora says and I cringe.
"Sorry. I'm here now."
"What's up?" Lucy asks and I sigh.
"Tell me I'm not crazy."
"You're not crazy." Lucy says at the same time Nora says, "What have you done?"
"Nothing." I laugh and then I sigh again. "Jackson wants me to come with him in September, he wants us to live together and well I said no."
"You said no!?" Lucy exclaims.
"He wants you to move with him?" Nora asks.
"Nor it's crazy right? Like-"
"Ivy, why would you say no?"
"Because we've been together like a day Luce." I say and she laughs.
"You've loved each other for years though." Lucy says.
"I-"
"She is right Ivy." Nora says and my eyes widen how neither of them think this is mental.
"We are eighteen!"
"And?"
"I just-"
"Why are you scared?" Lucy asks and my eyes widen at her question.
"He, we, I just. I know in my heart that I love him, and I know he loves me and I just don't know why we have to rush this, like we could just do long distance."
"Long distance sucks Ives, you are going to miss him so much." Lucy says I turn my face and groan into my pillow.
Why doesn't anyone see it like I do?
"Why do you want to wait though? You know you want to be with him, if you can be with him, and do what you want to do, then why are you holding back?" Nora's says and I frown.
I don't know.
I'm scared.
"We just, we are so new." I say even though I know we aren't.
"No you're not." Luce chuckles and I rub my cheeks.
"You guys weren't helpful either."
"IS everyone else telling you this is a good idea Ives?" Lucy asks.
"Yeah."
"Maybe you should listen?" She says and I feel my heartbeat pick up.
"Ivy if this isn't what you want. If you don't feel yous are secure enough, if you want to stay here then stay here. But if you are holding yourself back, then maybe rethink?" Nora says and my eyes widen.
Am I being a moron?
"Ima phone Cole. I need male advice." I grumble and the two girls laugh bidding me a goodbye.
"My lovely Ivy James, what can I do for you today?"
"You can tell me I am not a moron for saying no to moving with Jackson."
"Oh." Cole laughs, his surprise evident at my serious, conflicted tone.
"Cole."
"Ives, tell me more."
So I do, I tell him about the flat share, I tell him about the job and how I like the school about the city and where it is.
"Ives, take him out of the equation."
"Huh?"
"You told me once, you didn't want to stay in your town when your friends left. I said about how you could get a job anywhere. How you could just pick up and leave and you said 'I hadn't ever thought about that' you said that that sounded so good." He says
"But."
"This job, would you move for it. If you saw it advertised, if you were wanting to move out of your town would you consider this job?"
"Yeah."
"The city, have you ever been, do you like it?"
"I love it there."
"The flat? Do you like it?"
"I don't know."
"Contact the renters, ask for a viewing, ask for pictures, prices, see if it's feasible."
"But what about-" I say and he laughs.
"Take him out of the equation, see if you want all these things. Apply for that apprenticeship, call them, get an interview. Meet with the landlord, have coffee, see if you want to live there." He says and then continues.
"If you want all those things Ivy, imagine them added to the fact you will be living with someone you love. You know you can live with him, you've spent every day together for the last two, three months."
My god.
He was so fucking right.
Why am I such an overthinking dickhead sometimes?
"Cole you are a god sent."
"Honestly, I know." He laughs and I sit up from bed, everything a little clearer.
"You are saying I should figure out whether this move is something I want for myself aren't you? That I should see if the life I will be creating there for myself is what I want, and then add in the scary factors."
"Exactly Nena."
"This is why you are my best friend."
"Over Jackson?" He laughs but I nod.
"Definitely." I say and he laughs louder.
"Don't tell him that."
"He knows." I smile and sit up. "I love you both, just in very separate ways."
"Love you too, go and sort this out! You might not have much time." Cole say and my eyes widen.
"Oh fuck. Okay, bye."
xo Also i left my house at 6AM today (8th june) to drive (ok my mum drove) four hours and a bit to get to my university. Then i had to pack all my stuff up, like my accomodation, and do it all on my own because only one person was allowed in the flat.
Can i share that my house, is a bungalow, which means i havent walked up stairs in like three months due to lockdown. To get to my room at uni there was like four flights of stairs, it was effort okay.
Then we drove all the way back, and got home around 4PM. And then i fell asleep at like 6PM until 1AM, after saying I was gunna go for a quick nap... Now its 4AM and idk what today even was. not today, yesterday? idk
But here's a chapter. Lmao.
Idk why I shared but felt bad for such a gap in between last chapter and this one.