Sunday
It had taken about an hour to calm down, before Senn had forced himself to face Dean and Tessa and actually apologize for his behavior, wanting them to know he wasn't being ungrateful. He was scared and confronting him with it caused him to panic.
Whereas he expected Dean—in the least—to be angry or upset, they were both understanding and they had told him they'd park the car in the garage, so that once he was actually ready to try, they would help him overcome his fear, step by step.
Senn actually hugged Tessa, and for a few seconds he felt calm, safe and loved. But then he remembered he agreed with Elio to meet at the river and talk, so he rushed out and headed over there.
Elio was already seated at the big rock that was hanging over the water, one leg dangling over the edge. He was wearing a faded red hoodie with the hood over his blond hair, that was peeking out from under the hood. His slim fit jeans were full of holes and had a faded light blue color. He was smoking a cigarette, blowing out circles like he had done the night they went out, and they decided to smoke pot together with two strangers.
The night they kissed and Senn had ran off.
"Hi," Senn mumbled a greeting, sitting down next to him.
"Evening, Senn," Elio cheerfully replied, not turning to look at him. "Why did you want to meet so badly, on a Sunday evening, 11pm, at the river? Why couldn't it wait until in the morning?"
"What are these?" Senn shoved the diary in his face, tapping on a sticky note. "This is your handwriting."
"Reasons," Elio replied simply, shrugging a shoulder.
"Figured, but why?"
"You said you didn't see reasons for yourself to continue. All you do is continue because others want you to. So, I decided to give you reasons. I know they're stupid, but if you see all of them together, you see that you have a million insignificant reasons to continue, and if you ask me, that's better than one grand reason."
"They seem futile and unimportant. I rather have a good—grand—reason to live for."
"If you have one big one, and you succeed? Then what?"
"I... I don't know, find a new reason?"
"If you have a million small ones, you will stumble on bigger ones eventually." Elio finally looked at him and smiled. "You just need to get going again. Realize you are important too and you have a purpose. All you have to do is rediscover what your purpose in life is."
"Thanks," Senn mumbled, "for helping."
Elio smiled again, and for a while they didn't speak. Whereas Elio was looking out over the river, Senn read some more sticky notes. "When did you do this?"
"Whenever you weren't paying attention. You fell asleep during Spanish, so I stuck some in there. When you went to the bathroom, when you went to get food during lunch on Thursday... Lucas was wondering what I was doing but I said it was an inside joke and now he might dislike me even more because he feels like I'm stealing you from him, but Avan assured him you two are still the best of friends because that's just how you two work."
"He is my best friend, yeah. But I haven't talked to him much lately, or rather, for months."
"Don't force yourself. Talk when you want to talk, to who you want to talk about it."
Senn nodded, reading a sticky note that told him 'find the love of your life' was still a goal in his life, and he sucked in a breath, holding it for a few seconds, before he nudged Elio, closing the diary again.
"Yeah?"
"There's something I want to talk about."
Elio nodded, and he bit his lip. He stiffened slightly and Senn was under the impression that he knew exactly what he was talking about.
"You can't tell my friends we kissed," Senn dropped the bomb. "I've been on edge about that all week because I don't know if you know that I don't want them to know."
"I won't tell. But tell me, why not? Don't they know?"
"Know what?"
"You're into guys."
"I'm not... I'm not like that, okay?" Senn muttered sadly. "It's..."
He hoped Elio would say something smart and wise again, that would explain exactly how Senn felt about being into guys. He hoped Elio would finish his sentence like he'd usually do whenever Senn struggled to find the right words.
He wanted Elio to tell him it wasn't okay for him to push his true self away, to make sense of all of this.
To tell him that Lucas and Avan already knew Elio was into guys—whatever his sexuality was—and they were fine with it.
But none of that was what he got. No, Elio's answer wasn't comforting in the least. It wasn't anything like Senn hoped or wished for. It was shocking him to the core.
"It's fine, Senn. It was stupid, we were drunk. We were curious and you obviously didn't like it," Elio told him, though he refused to look at him. "Nobody needs to know. It didn't mean anything."
Senn felt his heart skip at least three beats while he stared to Elio from the side, while the moon lighted his face and his ever so bright blue eyes. He tried to read his expression, hoping that Elio would tell him he was just messing with him and that it did mean something, anything. That Senn was more to Elio than just friends who had drunkenly shared a kiss out of curiosity. He wanted Elio to turn his head and kiss him to prove to Senn that it meant so much more that he said.
But Elio looked serious, and Senn felt himself fall apart a little bit more because apparently deep down inside he hoped Elio felt the same. But he didn't; that much was clear by the way he looked once he did turn his face.
And simply because it apparently meant nothing to him, Senn didn't dare to admit that he was lying, that he was exactly like that. That it wasn't just a drunk accident he didn't like. He wanted to scream at Elio that he obviously did like it, more than he was willing to admit.
But he remained silent, and after a few minutes, Elio asked him more about the diary, and the subject of the kiss was locked away again.
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Love, June