Two weeks since you'd last spoken to Kylo had come and gone. You half expected him not to put in his notice, but he did. It was strange, reading the email that he sent to your class, that another professor would be taking over in two weeks' time. For the entire duration you'd been at college, you knew Ren to be the brooding and foreboding English department head. It was nearly impossible to picture him as anything different.
The two weeks went by in a daze. You didn't speak after class. You barely looked at him. Every time you sensed his eyes on you, you felt as though you'd crack under his gaze. You averted his eyes under all costs, waiting. Waiting silently for him to come to you, to tell you that he'd been wrong, that he'd been cruel, and that he wouldn't leave, and that he wanted you by his side.
He never did.
Friday, two weeks later, finally came around. It was his last day of teaching. You sat at your small desk that was positioned next to his. You didn't look at him as he lectured. You sat with your knees pressed together, your entire body clenched, fighting tears. You hadn't expected his last day to come around. You were sure that by this time, he would have taken back his notice. He would have said that he was staying after all.
But his last day was here. You were living it. You almost couldn't believe it. It was sobering. Numbing. Perhaps the first wake-up-call came earlier in the week, when you got your first email informing you of your new assignment. You'd stay on as TA for the professor that would replace Ren. That had been an eye-opener for sure.
You didn't listen as he lectured, couldn't focus if you tried. The same ringing in your ears that had been present the last time you spoke was ever-present and deafening. You stared ahead, wishing you were invisible, yet unable to bring yourself to care that you weren't.
Halfway through class, you took to staring at the clock on the back wall. 30 minutes left. 20 minutes left. There was still time for him to take back his notice. To stop class, to announce that he was staying after all. 10 minutes left. Then 5. Then 1. And when the clock hands were mocking you with the declaration that the period had come to an end, it was the final blow.
Once Ren had dismissed the class and given them a short and emotionless farewell, you sat firmly in your seat even as every student before you gathered their things and prepared to leave. He wasn't staying. This was it.
You felt empty.
With a shuddering breath, you finally stood, your face tense and set firmly to try and hide the trembling of your jaw. You remained silent as you gathered your bag, gripping the strap as you slung it over your shoulder. And then, you turned to him, to take one last look at the man you loved.
Kylo was already staring at you. He remained silent as the rest of the stragglers headed from the lecture hall and into the hallway before exiting the building altogether, eager to get back to their dorms, apartments, or houses, undoubtedly excited to enjoy their weekend, to have fun, feel alive, like anyone your age should.
You couldn't imagine feeling alive or happy ever again.
And it was his fault. Your eyes narrowed at him. A strange emotion flooded your body, one you didn't recognize. It was like hatred, but it wasn't quite there. You were furious with him, but couldn't quite bring yourself to hate him no matter how hard you tried. You felt betrayed, you felt neglected, but couldn't will yourself to turn on him completely, even though you longed to.
The double doors at the top of the stairs clanged shut as the final straggler left the room. You heard the thudding clunk of metal and the hiss of the last trace of air through the cracks, and the sound jolted straight through your heart.
You straightened your back and inhaled, the air rattling on the way into your lungs as it dawned on you that you were alone once more, maybe for the last time. You stared at him and he stared back, both of you silent, resilient, close and yet farther apart than you'd ever been before.
He was the first one to speak. "I've decided to vacate my home in Back Bay."
"Really."
"Yes."
"Are you moving from Boston?"
"No. I'll still be in the city, but I've decided that a change in scenery might be good for me. I'm tired of being reminded of my mother and father everywhere I look."
"That's a real shame," you responded, hoping the judgement was as plain in your face as it was in your voice. You remembered suddenly another confusing part from your conversation with the woman at the gala; she'd said Kylo had done something to his father. Everything had seemed all well and good after the fact, the details slipping your mind. Now, they seemed to be pounding at your skull.
"I wouldn't expect you to understand."
"You shouldn't, since you failed so spectacularly in telling me about them."
"Well, I guess it wasn't any of your business."
"I guess it wasn't," you responded icily. You felt your face contorted into an enraged grimace. You couldn't imagine it looked very pretty, but you could hardly care less about what Kylo thought of you at this point. He was a monster in your eyes. What did in matter what you were in his? "So, you're selling it? All because you're mad at your parents? You're just going to give up your father's house?"
"I'm not selling it." His brows lifted just barely. "I'm just vacating for the time being."
"Right. I forgot you're made of money. Kind of makes it harder to feel sorry for you," you scoffed, turning to go. You could feel this conversation sucking the lifeforce out of your bones. You had no desire to stay and talk with him if this would be the last memory imprinted on your brain of Kylo Ren. You'd hoped your story would have a happier ending. The opposite was proving to be true, so why prolong what was too agonizing to endure?
Kylo was silent for a moment. He stared at you with the same impenetrably stony gaze that you recognized so well, that you felt you'd been seeing for all your life. But you'd only known Kylo had existed for three years. And really, he'd been in your life so little, in retrospect. So how could he possibly have the effect on you that he did? His jaw tensed. You watched the muscle tighten, a vein under his skin bulging slightly before he relaxed. Your heart tripping, you caught his eyes. They softened slightly, narrowed, and he furrowed his brow. Now, he looked at you with an almost inquisitive curiosity. You felt like a bug under a microscope in comparison to him.
"Why have you been avoiding me?" he asked.
Was that supposed to be a fucking joke? "I'm sure you can imagine why."
"I can imagine a lot of things," Kylo muttered, "But I'd rather hear it from you."
You sighed heavily through slightly flared nostrils, your lips a tightly shut line. "Because I don't want to see you," you told him curtly. "I don't want to see you, or speak to you, or listen to your voice. It...it's so tiresome trying to exist under your influence, and I'd like to get my life back under control. And you're leaving, so it finally can. I just want everything to be as it was before."
You'd said more than you'd expected to before you'd started speaking. You stood strongly before him, jaw set, eyes wide and honest. You didn't falter or back down. What you wanted was for him to leave you alone...under the circumstances. That much was true— because he was really leaving, and because he didn't love you back. You wanted to forget him, because these were the circumstances you were given.
But beneath that, if you could upend it all, rip up the foundations of the hand you'd been dealt—then, well, you'd change the hand.
But that wasn't a possibility. That wasn't reality. So, you had to believe what you were saying, because that's all that was in front of you. He was leaving. He didn't love you. He never would. And you couldn't change that. So, in his place, you wanted everything he'd taken. The time from your friends, your happiness, your ignorance, your independence. God, you wished you could be independent again.
He pondered you, silently sizing you up. You narrowed your eyes in response, squaring your jaw at him, hoping you were an unbreakable wall in front of all the things in your mind you prayed he couldn't read, because frankly, you weren't convinced he hadn't read it before, what with the way he could analyze you.
He was silent for long enough, that for a moment, you thought he would let you go. But Kylo had never let you go before, and you shouldn't have expected him to let you go now.
"You want me to go," he muttered in response.
"Yes," you responded tightly.
Kylo Ren took a step forward. Once more, your heart skipped in your chest. You took a brisk step backwards as he advanced on you, but not nearly as fast as you should have. Still, you stumbled over your own foot. Catching yourself with a small gasp, you tried to increase the distance between you. He only moved to narrow it.
"You want me to leave you alone."
"Yes," you hissed again.
Kylo smirked. Mischief and malice danced in the amber-colored darkness of his eyes. It froze you cold in the place where you stood. Kylo took another step forward, closing the space in between your bodies all together. You couldn't move. You should have run while you had the chance.
Curiously, he outstretched a hand, brushing stray pieces of hair off of your forehead and tucking them neatly behind your ear. You tensed under his touch, as if you had found yourself in a predator's trap, but had no means of escape. "That's not true." His voice was no longer above a whisper.
"It is."
"Really?" You realized the space between you was so thin, you could feel his breath softly flutter against your face. His body was so close to yours, you could have counted each of his pitch-black eyelashes. You tried to pry your gaze away from his, but failed. "Then why haven't you left?" he muttered.
You opened your mouth to speak, but found that the only sound that left your throat was a small, nearly inaudible rattling breath. Horrified that words had failed you, that you'd betrayed yourself, you closed your mouth in defeat, your lower lip trembling. For a moment, Kylo took in the sight: you, trying, and failing, to resist him. He relished in your own emotional dilemma, and it made you hate him all the more.
But the moment passed, and then, he was rounding on you. He went from being perfectly still in one instant to swift and foreboding in the next, taking sudden long and rapid strides to pin you to his desk several feet behind you. This was the same place that once, only a few weeks ago, he had taken you from behind. Shuddering at the memory, you stumbled as Kylo walked you backwards, and he did so without lifting a finger. You retreated instantaneously under the mere threat of his gaze. He scowled down at you, as if daring you to challenge him.
You couldn't.
He had you pinned. Caught in his trap, as ever. You remained silent, your chest heaving with heavy breaths in your shock at having been thrown back against the desk without even being touched. You stared up at him, your eyes never once failing to leave his gaze, even as you felt his middle brush against your chest. You swallowed back a whimper and nearly choked as Kylo drew his lips close to your ear. He pressed closer against you as you tried to wriggle away from him, but admittedly, it was a halfhearted effort.
"I know exactly what you're thinking," Kylo warned, "You're thinking of the time I had spanked you, bent you over, fucked you, and yanked up your tights to hold in my cum."
You wished he was wrong. But you whimpered, turning to putty under his hands, thinking of how that time had felt, feeling the echo of his hands on your bare skin. The effect that his words had on you wasn't unlike that of a weapon. They rendered you nearly unable to think, let alone to stand. You would have swayed on the spot, your legs weak, if he hadn't been pressed so firmly against you.
And then, just when you thought you would combust from all the heat that flooded your face and neck, he kissed you.
You wished you could have had the strength to turn away. But your hands were searching for him the instant he dipped his chin towards yours, even before your lips met. Your fingers curled in his hair as he slid his tongue into your mouth. God, it had been so long, so long since you'd touched him. His dark locks were silky under the pads of your fingers, and it was all you could do not to tug on the strands as you fought his mouth with yours. You breathed heavily, gasping for air as you kissed him back, obscenely, trying desperately to somehow make up for two weeks' worth of agony and despair.
But he didn't love you, a small voice in the back of your head tried to remind you. It was hard to hear it over the blood thumping in your ears.
You panted as you pushed on his chest, coming up for air, gasping in lungfuls of breath that you desperately needed.
He leaned back in, lips only brushing against yours. "Don't fight it," Kylo whispered. "You know you can't."
You whimpered again, but his lips were on yours again in an instant, swallowing the sound. His lips crashed onto yours with no tenderness, but in the moment, you didn't care for tenderness. You were hungry, grasping at him again, hands clawing at his body, finding whatever parts of him you could reach.
Despite yourself, longing to resist, you felt your butt hit the desk, felt your legs opening to wrap around his waist and hold him against you. His body brushed against your core, and you shuddered, moaning into his mouth.
Kylo's ungentle hands ripped at the collar of your blouse, springing the buttons open that some of them ripped off the fabric and bounced to the floor. You gasped against his mouth, your lips wet from sloppy, desperate kisses. You felt heat, heat everywhere, and wetness, fuck, you were wet, but you were ashamed.
The voice in the back of your head became louder. You heard the familiar unbuckling of Kylo's belt buckle, and it allowed you to think, to listen, more clearly.
You thrust your head to the side so he wouldn't see the tears that were springing to your eyes, your legs releasing their hold on his waist but remaining open in the air, as you listened to the sound of sliding leather and the unzipping of his dress pants. "Don't do this to me," you whimpered, "Don't do this. Not after I told you how I feel about you."
You whimpered, chin quivering. This wasn't how you wanted to remember him. It wasn't what you wanted your last memory of the two of you together to look like: Kylo, grunting as he plunged into you, heartless, and you, pathetically unable to resist him. You shouldn't want him anymore, couldn't afford to want him anymore. But Christ, his touch was the only thing that made you feel alive anymore, and you were so desperate to feel something.
You were dripping wet, your chest heaving, legs thrust open, telling him not to fuck you, but you wanted him desperately. His hands froze at the unzipped fly of his pants; he held your gaze. He was breathing heavily too.
"What do you want," he muttered.
"I-"
"Tell me. Don't fight it. You can't resist me."
You whimpered again, tears finally spilling over your cheeks, your resistance finally breaking down and crumbling at your feet. "I want you. I want you. I want you to fuck me."
Kylo was on you again, lips finding yours roughly, commandingly. For a moment, his hands were gentle on your cheeks, cupping your face lightly, almost tenderly. But after what felt like a mere instant, he pulled them away to work at your jeans, ripping them downwards. You shimmied out of them as best you could with your ass still on the desk, kicking off your shoes, your hands never leaving him. You gripped at his face, his hair, trying to keep him tight against you, as if doing so would keep him there forever. But no...that was impossible. You only had this, this fleeting moment, that somehow had so much power, and made you feel more alive than you'd felt in weeks.
His eyes were on your half-opened blouse and your exposed bra underneath as he pulled his cock free. Briskly, as if he had no time to waste, he lined it up to your entrance and plunged deep into you.
You gasped. Your head rolled back, arm moving to lace around his shoulders and pull him against you. You winced, your face towards the ceiling, as your cunt stretched around his outrageous length. Rarely were you prepared enough to be able to take it easily.
Kylo grunted, his hands on either side of you, lips coming to your ear as he exhaled, long and slowly. His breath brushed your skin and softly blew strands of your hair. They floated gingerly backwards, and fell back down across your shoulder.
After a brief moment of stillness, he drew away, only to slam back into you again. You groaned, this time, your mouth falling open. For once, you didn't care how much noise you were making. All that mattered was the massive cock filling you up, and everything you'd missed in the last two weeks, everything you were so desperate not to lose.
Kylo drew back again and thrust once more, hips coming flush with yours. You wrapped your legs lazily around his waist as you clutched onto him, hugging him against you as he finally began to find a steady, albeit rapid and unforgiving, rhythm. Grunting, Kylo's fingers found your waist, digging bruises into your jutting hipbones. You felt his forehead on your shoulder as he pounded into you with little affection or regard. You missed looking into his eyes, you suddenly realized, but simultaneously weren't convinced you could bear to meet his gaze. The only solace was the indecent guttural groans ripping from his throat; You groaned with your jaw hanging slack, lips kiss-swollen and wet. Raising your hand, you angrily wiped the back of it roughly across both of your cheeks.
You noted the ache in your lower belly with each motion he pounded his cock inside you. You could feel how deep you were taking him, and momentarily doubted your ability to continue. He had a masterful knowledge of exactly how to pleasure you, but his sheer size was scarcely ever easy to accommodate. You burned and ached, but the bliss you felt was undeniable, trumping every shred of pain that came along with his magnitude.
The ungentle, uncaring speed of his thrusts didn't make it easier. He pounded you open, cleaving your cunt and giving you no mercy. He just kept working, kept driving, kept plunging himself into you, grunting and growling in your ear.
Kylo, like this, was something closer to a beast.
Just then, his hips still working at a brutal pace, Kylo pulled away from your shoulder, grasping your jaw in his hands, a feeling that was all-too familiar. You felt your cunt flutter at the gesture, melting into his arms at the reminder of how things used to be between you.
You clamped your eyes shut, face grimaced in emotional pain and physical pleasure. The muscles of your hip-flexors shrieked in discomfort and strain.
You felt him clench your jaw tighter, giving it a warning shake. "Open your eyes," he ordered furiously, never once lessening the unforgiving pace of his angry hips.
You clamped your mouth shut. Wincing, you moaned through your pressed-together lips, air falling from your nose and flitting across his face.
He gave your jaw another jolt, his fingers digging into your cheek. "Look at me," he growled. You winced at the pain blistering your skin from his strong fingers, and your eyes opened. But in a moment of defiance, you struggled against his grip. You tilted your jaw away as best you could, and you didn't dare meet him with your eyes. Your gaze was glued to where his cock disappeared into your cunt. You watched it intently, the sounds of wet skin and breathlessness falling upon your hungry ears.
You didn't dare look up at Kylo. But you could sense his anger even if you couldn't see it.
CRACK.
You registered the sound before you registered the pain. Your vision was suddenly completely different than what it was moments ago. Momentarily buzzing with confusion, you exhaled sharply as you realized your head had been whipped to the side, and your cheek stung with pain. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Kylo's palm, rigid, trembling, and your cunt dripped at the dizzy realization that he'd hit you.
His hand found your jaw again, wrenching your face back to him. He leaned in so close that the tips of your noses brushed. Not for a second did he release the pace of his hips. He rammed into your cervix with abandon and mercilessness. Despite yourself, you groaned. Your jaw fell slack again, in the same moment that finally, your eyes met his. Your cervix ached in pain.
"What do you do when I give you an order."
"I obey," you replied apologetically, your voice rattling with trembles.
"You obey, what," he demanded furiously.
You stared into his face. His jaw was set, eyes nearly blazing. His brow was drawn in fury, lips twisted into a scowl. It was the first time his expression truly filled you with a sense of fear more than anything else. Still, your heart fluttered in its cage.
"I obey, sir," you whimpered, cunt blazing with pleasure. Warmth bloomed in your belly and your pussy clenched. You'd tried to resist him. You'd failed. And now, you were chasing your pleasure, and resistance meant nothing.
He growled, capturing your lips with his own, his fingers remaining rigid and firm as they clasped your jaw. You felt the beginnings of purple, peppered bruises all around your jawline. Was that all you'd have to remember him by?
The thought sprung tears to your eyes as your lips battled with his. You kissed him so furiously, hungrily, that wetness smeared your mouth as your tongues clashed. He groaned, and the sound of his hips smacking yours made you go dizzy.
He pulled away, digging his fingers harder into your jaw.
"Open your mouth," he commanded.
Without question, you obeyed. Glaring down at you, and with an obscene smacking sound that practically echoed, he spat directly into your mouth.
You groaned, and he forced your jaw shut.
"Swallow."
You locked eyes. And then you swallowed.
The vision before him seemed to send Kylo into a deeper frenzy. His eyes were wild, locked onto yours like a target as he fucked you. He released a shaky exhale of hot breath. His hips stuttered. He was growing close, you realized, just as you were. The heat in your belly was growing, intensifying, and your cunt was clenching down on him harder than before.
"Fuck," he breathed, eyes only breaking from yours to admire the pussy that was sucking up his cock. His eyes flickered back up to yours. "Fuck. This fucking cunt was made for me," Kylo growled. You groaned as the walls of your cunt fluttered. You could feel heat overcoming your entire body, wrapping you in inescapable fever and binding you in sweat and redness.
"Look at you," he sneered. "You just can't resist my cock, can you? You can try to pretend all you want, but you melt under my hands." His breath stuttered. Your own breath was mounting in your chest as your climax mounted, too. Still, you glared at him as he fucked you closer to your orgasm. "Say it," he ordered. "Tell me who you belong to."
Your heart burned with shame and anger. But he was right. You scowled up at him as heavy breaths rattled your frame, your chest heaving violently.
"I hate you," you growled.
Kylo's jaw slack, he pumped into you harder, and with one last violent jolt, his cock sent you over the edge.
Your orgasm shattered and ripped through your muscle and bone, rattling and wracking your body. You threw your head back as white-hot pleasure bound you in indescribable bliss. You bit your lip to suppress the scream that was desperate to escape your throat, you felt a trickle of blood near the corner of your mouth. You didn't care. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Nothing but this.
Kylo was seated deep in your pussy when he came. He filled you up from within, hands seizing your waist as his hips stuttered through his orgasm. He released a violent, full-bodied sound, something between a groan and a growl, breath stuttering with each rope of cum that shot deep inside your cunt.
You fell from your peak, jolting through the last waves of pleasure. Kylo pulled away slowly as he chased his breath. For a moment, his eyes met yours. And in that moment, everything was silent and still. Staring at him, all you could feel was hot, furious love for him. And it made you hate yourself all the more.
Kylo drew away, stuffing himself back into his pants, and zipping them up. Your legs fell. Pain splintered through your hips as you finally relaxed them. You thought about how sore you would be. The pain would last a few days, you hoped. The longer it lingered, the longer you'd have proof that all of this had been real.
Whimpering, you pushed yourself off the table, turning away from him as you searched for your jeans and shoes, so he wouldn't see the glimmer of tears on your cheeks. You wiped them away, furious with yourself, and scowled at nothing as you zipped and buttoned your pants.
"You can still have me." His voice surprised you. You turned around, and found him watching you. Face set, jaw tense, eyes devoid of any warmth or emotion.
"I really, absolutely, fucking hate you, Ben Solo," you said.
Slinging your bag over your shoulder, you held him in his gaze for as long as you could before turning away. Tears stung your eyes for the twentieth time in the last hour.
You walked up the steps of the lecture hall, disappearing through the door, leaving Kylo behind for good. It was a lie. It was all a lie. As much as you wanted to hate him, you didn't. You couldn't. That's why walking away hurt you so damn badly.
Because as much as you loved him, he didn't love you.