Author's Note:
Spoilers through GA-S2-E2.
bobbiejelly
CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:
SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.
MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.
Mainly non-graphic consensual as it can be in this fucked-up fic sex between Addison and Derek.
So, male-female 'straight,' sex which I'm writing for the very first time in my life in this work.
Also, song lyrics, but I don't know why I'm warning you about that...
bobbiejelly
Love The Way You Lie
Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway.
-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey
MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover.
CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek.
*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*
Chapter 15: EVERYWHERE I GO
You feel Meredith Grey watching you as you walk out of the operating room to track down your husband and tell him to take you home to his trailer.
And you wish you could explain to Meredith why you're purposely making sure that he's ditching her for your third night in Seattle.
You wish you could take away the pain you see on Meredith Grey's tender face when she realizes she's leaving the hospital tonight without either of you.
And you're very confused at the fact that she seems to have her eyes wandering to you and not just her boyfriend/your husband, Derek Shepherd.
Now, you both look back longingly at the same woman, Meredith Grey, and yet, you and Derek both just keep on walking and walking and also drifting further away.
Derek takes you to the trailer.
You don't consider it 'home,' but then again, you don't consider anywhere home so that's not the biggest deal at this moment.
You still have your rental car parked at the hospital but you don't tell Derek that because you're hiding the fact you have your own escape transportation.
Also, you're hiding the fact you still have a hotel room.
You're hiding a lot of things, actually.
You should have said a lot of things. You should have done a lot of things. You should have. A lot of things...
You don't see anything of your own in his makeshift parkable house.
You're not sure if he intends to live here forever or if he intends to build a house on this land from the ground, but either way you see Derek here.
You see a lot of Derek, your husband, here.
It's in the clothes you know are his that are scattered around. It's in his degrees lining the walls. It's in his favorite mugs that are in the tiny little kitchen.
You wish you could squish Derek into a tiny little box like this, and leave him, and maybe forget about him...
But you can't, and you don't. Or you won't.
Whatever.
You're here now and Derek is here now and a part of him wants you here.
"I fucked her on that bed," Derek brags to you.
You're jealous of him and he knows it.
"Umm," you don't know what to say to that.
"I fucked her real good and she liked it," Derek continues.
She probably did, you think. Derek isn't terrible in the 'fucking,' department, and you know at the very least that Derek wouldn't fuck someone who doesn't actually want it.
"Umm," you say because you have no idea.
"I fucked her like-" Derek is gesturing for you to come to join him and he has that twinkle in his eye like he knows you'll probably say yes.
Curiosity bubbles in you and you do want to know. You want to imagine how she felt when he took her. You want to imagine it was you doing her and not him.
He knows it and you know it.
And you're both getting off on the same thought.
Meredith.
He thinks of her and so do you. And he hasn't said her name and neither have you.
But you don't have to.
Because he already knows.
Derek starts taking your clothes off and you're surprised at how tender he is.
He has not been this way with you since you started dating.
But then again, you realize his torture is that he's not on lying showing you... He's showing you EXACTLY what he did to her.
Right down to the details of demonstrating he's capable of a soft touch of seduction.
He's hurting you because he knows you love her, too and the way he's going to do you the way he did her, he's going to prove to you why she could fall in love with him and not you.
Bastard.
You want it though, despite yourself.
Derek hasn't given you lovemaking like this since before you were married. Or many the night you got married. Maybe both but never more than those times.
You know he has you hooked right now.
He's hooking your shirt in his fingers and he has his dreamy Derek eyes on you.
You bet she loves those dreamy Derek eyes.
"How do you want me?" You ask him. You feel that Meredith would ask him.
You know you're right when he grins at you knowingly.
"I want you on your knees," Derek smirks at you. Of course.
You kneel in front of him, knowing he'll take his own pleasure first before offering you, yours.
He always does.
You don't care though, because at least, this way you know you'll never be keeping him waiting.
And I'll fall, on my knees, tell me how's the way to be. Tell me how's the way to go. Tell me all that I should know...
You take off his belt and you throw it aside.
You imagine that one might find this sexy, but you're just moving it away so he can't use it to strap you later without having to go and collect it.
You unzip his pants. You take off his clothes. And you offer him what he wants from you.
And I'll fall, on my knees, tell me how's the way to be. To evoke some empathy...
When Derek comes, he calls out for Meredith and you call out in your head to a God that you do not believe in.
You want to say or do something but you don't know what, so you go to clean off and so does he before he asks if you want to do more.
You know you're walking into murky territory here, because you were almost resolved to divorce him before Seattle and here you are sleeping with him, yet again.
But it doesn't feel terrible, and you want to not feel terrible for a while. And the sleeping together feels a bit like you're sleeping at last, even if you're not-
You're not even going to let your mind wander to her.
You know you shouldn't, not in front of him, because you know he might figure it out.
Danger will follow me now, everywhere I go.
You say that you want to because you still do. He nods. You help him take your clothes off.
Derek doesn't get down on his knees for you.
He never has.
He takes you to the bed and he climbs on top of you.
You've still never asked again if he'd want you to climb on top of him.
He gave you that answer long ago.
He's a bit rough with you. You don't think he was this rough with Meredith. But you don't ask.
You're pretty sure he wasn't because Meredith had no marks on her earlier.
You know you'll have marks on you tomorrow, but you always have marks, and you don't always get orgasms to go with them.
You're not sure if you've always had a penchant for rough sex or if you've just grown accustomed to it, but either way, it's working for you both now, at least.
You pray he'll let you get off because you feel you really need it.
He starts edging you closer and you know that you're on your way there.
Angels will call on me now, and take me to my home.
You start to convulse in the climax and you know you're getting somewhere.
This tired mind just wants to be led home.
Your husband finishes you unceremoniously, and you sigh contentedly in reaction. You can't help it, your body just unwinds this way after orgasm even if it's with Derek, your devil.
He asks if you still want more.
You're surprised because it's been a long time since you've had multiples of anything like this.
You say yes because you want to.
He asks you to kneel for him again, and this time he pulls out another condom. You nod.
And I'll fall, on my knees, tell me how's the way to go. Tell me all that to see. Show me all that I could be.
You feel him before you hear him and he starts doing you and you start doing him back.
You hate that you need him so much.
You hate that he can screw you into submission to the point you forget what he is to you.
You hate that you just want to keep pumping your hips to match his.
You hate that you know he's been with another less than twenty-four hours ago and yet you're still naked for him because he's naked for you and he asked you to, and you said that you wanted to because you still do.
And I'll fall, on my knees, Tell me how's the way to be. Tell me how's the way to go. Tell me why I feel so low.
You're literally and metaphorically beneath him the whole time as he uses you and you use him and you know you're both just a replacement for what you swooped in and stole him away from earlier.
He's picturing he's doing this to Meredith and you're picturing it's Meredith doing this to you and it's all so fucked up it's insane.
You close your eyes and pretend your troubles would vanish along with your tension as you feel yourself unraveling again and you feel him coming undone now, inside you.
He's careful, though, and you know that he is.
Derek shows you the condom never broke and he throws it out and he takes a shower.
Then he offers it to you after he emerges. He asks you if you're staying.
You consider leaving. You consider going to the hotel. You want to leave.
But you know you can't. You know you should maybe go if you don't want something bad to happen later, or in the morning perhaps. But you don't.
Danger will follow me now, everywhere I go.
You take a shower and you clean yourself up and let the hot water caress your scars.
You imagine yourself wiping away your sins as you wash away the dirt of the day.
Angels will call on me and take me to my home.
You don't feel at home here, but you don't know where you would these days, anyway.
You pray you'll feel better in the morning after you've had some rest.
These tired eyes just want to remain closed.
You allow yourself a few seconds of bliss as you lean against the shower door.
All you feel is water until all you feel suddenly is the floor.
I don't see clearly.
You realize it's ironic that the one time Derek isn't beating you, you end up beating yourself up instead, abeit by total accident.
Can't feel nothing, no.
You realize you've tumbled leaning all your weight in a soapy spot and you fall onto your knees again.
Can you hear me? And I'll fall on my knees.
You don't know if Derek heard you fall but you pry your eyes open again and blink hard.
Danger will follow me now, everywhere I go.
You hear Derek getting ready for bed and you realize he either didn't hear you, or he heard you and he doens't even care enough to call out to see if you are okay.
You're not sure which one of those is worse or better.
You wash the soap off your skin. You imagine someone well and good like Meredith, if she were here might call out to check on you.
Angels will call on me and take me to my home.
You try to push those thoughts from your mind as if Derek could see them all over your face while you step out of the shower and into a towel.
And danger will follow me now everywhere I go.
When you reach the bedroom, Derek is already snoring and you put something on at random and turn off the light without waking him.
Derek will follow you now, everywhere you go...
You pray he doesn't wake up as you crawl into the other side of the bed next to him.
You hear a grunt but not anything more as you pull the covers up to your chin.
You think that this night has been the closest you two have ever come to a 'normal married life,'.
When you think about it, you had sex and then showers then sleep. And yet you still don't feel at home. You pray to your nonexistent God that you could have something more than this someday.
Angels will call on me and take me to my home.
You pray to the same nonexistent God that Meredith had a good night and a better one than the one she could have had with him in her life instead of yours and you just can't chase the thoughts to go away as you drift off into a fitful sleep.
And angels will follow me now, lead me to my home.
You try to think of anything else as you drift off from your fitful sleep into dreamless sleep other than a hypothetical future where you could live off your own two feet and still have Meredith Grey in your life without Derek at all in the picture.
And angels will follow me now, lead me to my home.
The last thing you think is that you don't need angels to follow you to lead you to your home.
You only need one angel in total. One friend to help you make it through the day. Even if you never become more to each other.
And it's the one that you've already met.
You know that danger will follow you now, everywhere you go.
You know that danger will follow her now, even to her home.
You fall asleep muttering out ambiguously, yet obviously, to you, about Meredith, "an Angel will follow me now, lead me to my home..."
***** END OF CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Author's Note:
The Title song reference is "Everywhere I Go," by Sleeping at last which was played in GA-S14-E19, "Beautiful Dreamer,".
Yeah, there's not a lot of Meredith in this Chapter. Apologies.
And the songfic thing was experimental.
Hope you enjoyed it all the same!
This one has been a very intense experience and I thank everyone who has been involved in this process. Let me know what you think in the comments!
bobbiejelly
"Everywhere I Go" by Sleeping At Last
And I'll fall on my knees
Tell me how's the way to be
Tell me how's the way to go
Tell me all that I should know
And I'll fall on my knees
Tell me how's the way to go
Tell me how's the way to be
To evoke some empathy
Danger will follow me now
Everywhere I go
Angels will call on me
And take me to my home
This tired mind just wants to be led home
And I'll fall on my knees
Tell me how's the way to go
Tell me how's the way to see
Show me all that I could be
And I'll fall on my knees
Tell me how's the way to be
Tell me how's the way to go
Tell me why I feel so low
Danger will follow me now
Everywhere I go
Angels will call on me
And take me to my home
These tired eyes just want to remain closed
I don't see clearly
Can't feel nothing, no
Can you hear me
And I'll fall on my knees
Danger will follow me now everywhere I go
Angels will call on me and take me to my home
And danger will follow me now everywhere I go
Angels will call on me and take me to my home
And angels will follow me now, lead me to my home
Angels will follow me now, lead me to my home
Dedications, June 7, 2020, Chapter 15:
THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.
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Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:
Reddit Imagines - MerAdd in 2020. Experimental Fic #1
RED is the new BLACK.
Cookies & Quickies Bubble All Too Easy
Prom?
... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:
Falling Apart, Barely Breathing
Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery) Soothe A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition Out Of The Dark
Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!
bobbiejelly