When the school was about to close, I tiredly picked up my laptop bag, along with my backpack. It felt heavy when I swung it over my shoulder, was filled up with tests from the pupils to the point that my zipper couldn't close anymore. I hesitated if I had to drink my usual cup of coffee at the cafe I used to work at as a teenager, which I would pass on the way home.
It was nearing five in the afternoon and no matter how much I liked seeing my old colleagues, my mother still had my son at home. He could take care of himself just fine, seeing he was eleven years old, but I didn't want him to become a burden for her.
Wiping my hand over my face, I decided to pick Benji up and just go home after that. I was tired, felt like sleeping. It had been a rough day at school. Teaching refuge children who came from countries where their young eyes had seen things no one, but especially not children, were supposed to see required not only the skills when it came to teaching English, but also some sort of therapeutic skills.
Children had bursted out into a fight, their countries were enemies in the war. I thought they would've had enough of the war and fighting, but when one of the fists was full of hair from the other, I had to intervene.
Stepping inside the car, the motor became warm and seconds later, I drove off towards my mother's house. Despite it being the rush hour, it was fairly quiet everywhere. Therefore within half an hour, I parked my car in front of her house.
Staying inside the car, I hoped Benjamin would come once he saw me, but when my mother motioned for me when she appeared at the doorstep, I gave a deep sigh, knowing what was about to be thrown at me.
"Trouble?" I asked right away, watching how Benjamin swung his backpack over his shoulder, not giving me one glance. He made his way into the car right away, closed the door with a loud thud. "What happened now?"
My mother sighed deeply, gave me a sympathetic look. "Zev.. You've had a long day, haven't you?"
"Just tell me what happened. There's so much more I can take." I mumbled out, stuffing my hands in the pockets of my hoodie.
"Last time he came here he spilled his smoothie over his trousers, remember? I washed them, wanted to stuff them in your mailbox, but upon arriving at your house, he was seated in front of the door, arms crossed over his chest. Walked away from school." My mother glanced at Benji, I did the same. "Didn't want to go back to school. No way, could I make him, until I warned him with a light smack onto his bottom. His teacher said that one of his classmates offered him to play at his home, where they had a bouncy castle. Said he threw himself at that boy after it. I don't know why."
Running my hand through my hair, I stared at Benjamin, who was looking down with an annoyed expression, fidgeting with his cowboy hat. "Great." I said, sarcasm dripping from my voice. "I'll deal with it."
"I made him clear that it's not okay what he did, but if he gets it through his thick skull.. I wonder that."
"Thanks for having him over." I tried to suppress a yawn, turned around after placing a kiss on her cheek. "See you."
My mother didn't say anything, just looked at me as a watery glaze appeared over her eyes.
When in the car, I decided to stay silent. Clearly, he was not in the mood to talk and honestly, neither was I. At the same time I knew he found the silent treatment harder than scolding, for some reasons my disappointment hurt him more. "He was never nice to me before!"
Tears threatened to spill, his voice was shrill. Emotions were caught up in his throat, I could hear that by the tone. It was higher than it normally was, his face was red from the effort to hold everything inside.
"We'll talk about it at home, alright?" I suggested, glancing at him.
Benji swallowed, turned his face away from me. His frown never faded, he seemed to be struggling but as for today, I just wasn't having it. I had lost count when it came to him having trouble at school. I was tired from working, but even more exhausted of the same old story the teacher would ramble out whenever she would call me. Tired of his behaviour. His troubled behaviour.
Upon arriving at home, Benjamin kicked the door open, threw his backpack onto the floor and stumped upstairs right after. "Benji! Stay downstairs! We have to sort things out."
"No!" He screamed, his door closing with great force, making the windows shake in place.
The moment I wanted to close the front door, my neighbour appeared, giving me a sad smile. "It will get better, my love. It is probably the puberty that is messing with the young boy."
"I doubt it." Trying to smile back, I tried to close the door, but she kept talking. Don't get me wrong, she was probably the sweetest old lady out there, but I was tired, wanted to sleep, but had a son to deal with even when I wanted nothing but throw my discipline away in the trashcan that stood near her. Not wanting to deal with it. However, I knew that if I didn't deal with it now, it could become a habit for him.
Poppy observed me, I felt her eyes burning holes in my face. "Sometimes I still hear him screaming for his.." She shook her head, tried to smile. "It all needs some time, dear boy. I know how difficult it can be. You know, I lost my mother when I was around his age and.."
"I need to cook for him." I hesitated, not wanting to be rude and cut her off, but I couldn't hear the story again and again. It hurt so much, my heart started stinging in my chest each time. I knew she didn't mean it in a bad way, but I didn't know if she realised what it did to my feelings.
"Of course, darling." Poppy blew me a kiss, then nodded her head in the direction of her house. "Come visit soon with your boy. I'd love to catch up with both of your lives."
Smiling tiredly, I nodded my head, not knowing if I would actually visit her. All I knew was that with nodding my head, she'd leave me alone. Closing the door, I let a breath escape from my lips, my eyes falling onto his backpack. "Benji, come downstairs please."
"Are you deaf?! I said no!"
Something got triggered when it came to my emotions. I rushed up the stairs, skipping one step at a time. I swung open his bedroom door in one swift motion, my eyebrows knitted together as I looked into his eyes. "Downstairs. Now."
"I don't want-"
"I didn't ask what you wanted. I'm not starting a discussion with you either. Go downstairs."
Benjamin let out a frustrated sound, kicked his wooden office chair and ran downstairs, throwing his backpack onto the stairs to bring it upstairs later. Stumbling down the stairs myself, I glanced at him as he was seated onto the couch, staring at the rocking chair we had standing in the corner. It moved as Casey, the cat, had just jumped off it.
Every time he looked at that chair, I wondered what was going through his head. But he didn't speak out his thoughts on that subject, didn't want to speak up about it either. Kept them inside his wave of tears and sadness, for so long, that it was starting to rot, like wood in water.
Sitting down onto the couch myself, I stared at him, waiting for him to speak up. He seemed to be battling with his mind and for a moment, I felt bad for being so hard on him, although I knew that he needed the steadiness and discipline I gave him. He would totally lose control if he didn't have that security in his life. I knew that. Had always been like that.
Besides, if he kept behaving the way he did now, it wouldn't surprise me if his school would call me up, telling me I'd have to search for another school for him because they couldn't take it no longer.
Benji was stubborn. Aurora had been right. He'd gotten the stubbornness from her, and maybe a bit from me. He didn't want to speak up first. Neither did I want to speak up first. But I gave in, eventually. "Do you want me to cook dinner, drive over to the park and eat it there?"
His gaze was still fixed onto the rocking chair, I saw how his eyes became wetter by the minute. Much to my surprise, he nodded. Briefly laying my hand onto his cheek, he turned his face away, staring outside the window.
Deciding to leave him be, I told myself we'd have a chat in the park, near the small stream. We ate dinner there more often, for some reasons, he was opener there than at home.
Pasta pesto was on the menu for today. It was simple, quick, but good enough to eat. He liked it, especially if I used chicken instead of beef. Aurora wouldn't have liked it. I didn't make the pasta myself, and neither the pesto. She'd never allow such kind of food to be in our stomachs. I heard her italian scolding in my head.
Once I had stuffed it all inside a Tupperware box, I reached for some bottles of water and placed everything inside a grocery bag.
We walked over to the car in silence, drove in silence, arrived in silence.
Throwing a blanket onto the slightly humid grass due to the evening dew, I gave him his jacket. The day had been warm, but the evenings were chilly. He put it on without saying anything, then stared at how I gently filled up his plate.
Handing it to him, he mumbled out a quiet grazie. We prayed for our food, then dug in. We ate in silence for a while, stared at the quiet stream, where a mother duck and six little ones were quickly swimming over once the swans had finally left.
"Grandma said you ran from school again." I said after I'd swallowed down a few bites.
Instantly, he got defensive, raising his voice. "They always blame me for everything! I'm so sick of it all. They were never nice to me before, and suddenly they're the nicest ever!"
"If I understood it well, he only invited you over to play on the bouncy castle. You like that. Why did you throw yourself at him right away?" I wondered, genuinely confused. "You know violence is never the answer, and I don't understand why you even think about reacting that way when all he did was being nice and offering you a fun afternoon."
Benji's eyes were filled with tears, a few leaked, rolling down his cheeks rapidly. "You blame me too! I don't want to be treated like that. I want to be treated fairly and not out of pity."
Those words hit me. I lowered my fork, looked down at him. I related to that, knowing how it felt to be treated out of pity and not out of sincere care. It was something I despised. The least a human could do was genuinely care, but apparently it was already too much to ask from humanity, which resulted into bringing gestures out of pity. Their back minds telling them they should at least do something, only because that would be socially acceptable and somewhat normal. Earning a pat on the shoulder after that. They didn't care about the person beneath the misery, only about their own good deeds.
It still didn't mean what he did was okay. "But why did you throw yourself at him for it?"
"How else can I make it clear, Papà." More tears rolled down, he choked on his sobs and pushed his plate away. "I'd rather they pester me like before than act nice only because mama died."
Swallowing away my own emotions, I placed my plate onto the blanket, pulling him into a hug. "I know that, buddy. It doesn't feel fair. But I don't want you to hurt other people, or yourself. You need to know that I do not accept violence, it is never okay. Neither do I accept you running away from school. Do you want school to kick you out?"
"At this point, yes." He admitted, twirling his fork through his pasta.
"Do you still want to become like Casey Tibbs?" Referring to the cowboy who was his rolemodel could be seen as some sort of blackmail, but how else could I make it clear to him?
Benji nodded, wiped his nose with the sleeve of his jacket.
"Then, if I were you, I'd try my bestest best at school. He must've studied too."
"I don't know about that, because when he was younger-"
"Benji? Please."
"I'll do my best, Papà."
Standing at the doorstep as I watched Benjamin get comfortable in his bed, I blew him a kiss, remembering him saying he was too old for physical goodnight kisses. His grey eyes gazed at me, they looked thoughtful. I kept standing where I was, wondering if he wanted to ask me something.
Eventually, it came. "Dad?"
"Yeah."
"Do you miss mama when you sleep?"
Leaning against the doorframe, I looked down for a brief moment, then moved my gaze back to his face. "Yes."
"Can I sleep with you tonight?"
"If you want to, of course." I'd answered, wondering where his sudden soft side came from. It had been a while since he had purposefully searched for comfort and affection. He tried to be tough at times, but I knew that at the end of the day, he was a young boy who missed his mother dearly.
Benji stepped out of bed, walked past me and I found him on the side where my wife used to lay a moment later. I stepped beside him in the bed. Switched off the lights. Wondering if he wanted to cuddle. But he had turned his back to me, already trying to sleep. Giving him a pat on the head, I covered us both with the covers, closing my eyes.
"Papà?"
"Yeah, Benji."
"Do you feel lonely in bed? You were always together when you slept. Do you miss her with you in the bed? Do you see mama sometimes when you sleep? And when you wake up, do you see mama lying beside you?"
"Yeah, Benji."
He stayed silent after that. I wondered if he fell asleep. So slowly, I gave in to my own tiredness, letting my eyes close.
"I'm sorry." He whispered, slumber close to taking him over. "I'll do my best, I promise."
"It's okay."
"Dormi bene, Papà."
"Buonanotte, caro ragazzo."
•
The second chapter.. how was it?
What do you think of Benji so far?
Zev as a father?
Let me know your thoughts.. really curious about all of your opinions!
I'd love and appreciate it a lot if you voted, commented, shared the story to whoever.. thanks a bunch ❤️