Author's Note:
Thanks for all the comments today, from AddisonAddek and Arizonaslesbianism.
This one is shaping up to be something special, much thanks to you and everyone else!
Cheers to another one, see you on the other side, yay!
bobbiejelly
CHAPTER CONTENT WARNING:
SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD AT YOUR OWN RISK IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.
MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD SO CHOOSE WHAT YOU NEED.
I'm just gonna let you experience this one for yourself.
bobbiejelly
Love The Way You Lie
Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway.
-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey
MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover.
CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek.
*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*
Chapter 9: ANGEL
You can't wait to make your own money again and start repaying your debts, to literally fucking everyone.
You realize you're looking forward to ending things with Derek for once and for all, but you realize that once you see him your confidence might waver and you might take him back with you, instead.
You find 'Seattle Grace Hospital,' where you know Richard Webber hired your husband, Derek Christopher Shepherd to work, on your cheap GPS.
You take the exit on the third try and you find the correct parking lot.
You park your car. You lock the car doors. You walk alone, into the night, and into Seattle.
You've never been to Seattle Grace Hospital.
But you've heard a lot about it from Adele and Richard.
You know that it's been in the top five teaching hospitals in the US several years running now, and you know it's an accredited transplant center from UNOS, you know there's a TTTS baby case they've been saving for you...
And you know it's the place where Derek Christopher Shepherd now works.
That last one being the most memorable thing about it to you now, at the very least.
It's larger than you would have expected. As you reach the front entrance you're astonished at how polished the outside looks with its high arching grey ceilings and it's entryway lined with park benches.
You're not sure if this is the main entrance, but you're not unsure of it either.
You realize you doubt yourself about everything these days anyway, so who do you care if you end up in the basement? The worst thing you could find there is billing, right?
Or bodies. You could end up in the morgue among all the dead bodies. Recently dead bodies...
You push morbid thoughts away as you reach the front doors. You reach to push them open but they slide open automatically.
Machines replace humans these days, so it seems...
You wonder how long it's going to take for you to spy someone you know, but as it turns out, it takes you less than ten seconds.
Derek.
You spy your husband the moment you walk in through those doors.
You'll never forget his face or his hair or his piercing blue eyes.
You'll never forget his arrogant grin or his voice laced with something familiar.
You'll never forget his expression of pure love and lust.
You'll never forget his look of pure awe and adoration.
You'll never forget his reverence for his mistress who is standing before you, having her coat fied up by your own husband in front of your very eyes.
He doesn't see you yet, so he doesn't know to hate you or fear you or feel guilty for you.
Not that he would, anyway, it's not like you have not done worse to him not too long, before.
Derek is standing next to a woman you've never met.
This girl, younger than you, looks like an angel about to be entrapped by a devil.
Your devil.
This girl, Derek lets him put his coat on before putting hers on. And then he helps her adjust the colars while she brushes her hair off her neck, too. This is the girl who he says he wants 'rules,' and a 'relationship,' with, is drop-dead gorgeous and blonde and whimsical and everything anyone might want in a woman.
She's everything YOU would want in a woman...
And yet, you're so different.
She's basically the anti-Addison.
This girl, unknown name so far, is younger than you.
She looks smarter than you.
She looks world-weary and wiser than you.
She looks like another surgeon but one who is not already worn down some, like you.
You try not to stare at her, but yet, you do.
You can't get your eyes to refocus on your damn husband because you realize then, at that moment, that this angelic-seeming-Meredith girl is even more entrancing than any other person you have ever met before, and she's even more spectacular than any girl in your dreams, and she looks like someone so far out of reach for you that you know you might die if she ever comes near...
Derek notices you then, and his piercing gaze snaps you out of your inner monologue.
He says to her, "Meredith, I'm so sorry...
That's how you learn her damn name.
In an apology from him to her about your bloody existence.
Fuck.
You know you are hell for him. He's hell for you. And right now as you approach his new mistress you know that you're Satan calling out the other whore because you were already the first slut of your tumultuous marriage.
As you approach them, your legs are shaking even though you try to stop them from doing so, so much.
You want to appear strong when you face Derek this time, and you want to appear like you've grown up and moved on without him, and yet...
And yet... All you want to do, even more than to intimidate Derek (not that that's even possible, probably, because you know the moment you're close to him that you've met your maker...), is to save this other woman.
She's literally the 'other woman,' in your relationship, the same way that Mark Sloan had once been the 'other man,' because of your treachery.
You should hate her on principle, and by all rights, she should hate you.
Meredith.
You realize that's her name and you repeat it to yourself as you keep walking step over step over step.
You realize you don't want to hate her, but rescue her.
You don't want her to end up like you.
You wish nothing more than for her to find somebody who can love her the real way.
Not the you-and-Derek-way, which you know but she doesn't know yet based on her clean milky skin involves floggings and whippings and insults of all kinds.
You flashback over ten years ago when you met Derek (and also Mark, you now realize, again).
You remember how sweet and innocent he looked.
You remember how sweet and innocent you must have looked.
You remember how rough-and-tumble the man you now know as Mark looked to you.
And now you're staring at Derek and you know he's far from sweet and innocent.
You know you're not sweet nor innocent but you figure this 'Meredith,' woman probably still is.
This time there's no Mark Sloan, YOU are the entering third party.
You realize you're the random 'third person,' who was never wanted nor desired.
You realize you're the invader and you're about to attack.
You realize you're about to end this slender woman's life as she knows it, and send her into a whole world of pain and hurt once you announce who you are to her 'boyfriend,'.
You feel more sorry for her than for him.
And you know that he'll know that the moment you speak.
And you're sure as you ever have been about anything in your life, that you're about to probably almost die, yet again tonight for the upteenth time.
Addison.
You realize it was not in your head this time.
"Addison."
You realize it's HIM talking to YOU, in front of HER, and no less.
"Addison, what, are you doing here?" Derek asks in the gentlest possible tone he can manage.
You know he's pretending to play nice for his girlfriend/mistress, and you hate him for that, but for her.
This girl snaps her head up to him in alarm, after figuring out at that moment that you're not a stranger to Derek, and that you have not been for some time now.
For over 13 years, to be exact, but she probably has had no way of knowing that, yet.
(Thirteen. What a fucking unlucky number. Not that you're superstitious, now. Or are you? You probably are.)
"Well, you would know if you'd bothered to return up any one of my phone calls," you snark back at him.
You realize you've hardly ever talked back to him in the over ten years you've been married, the nearly twelve-or-so years you've been dating, then nearly 13 years you've known Derek Shepherd.
You realize you're being bold and brazen because you're in the lobby of Seattle Grace Hospital where Derek now works and you will soon work and there are people milling about so you know he can't just punch you in the face here.
Months later, you will learn that Derek actually has no qualms of hitting people in the face at his workplace, he just didn't hit anyone that time in particular.
You see he's not wearing his wedding ring, and you feel in your fingers you're still wearing yours.
The bastard. Having a bare left hand before he's officially left you so he can pick up a young girl... Somewhere in Seattle?
You look in between them now, eyes cold as ice as you glare at him and eyes soft and tender when you look at her, or at least you desperately hope so, for everyone's sake, mostly hers...
You turn to her, you turn away from him, and you extend your hand like a 'normal person,'.
As if you weren't some battered and bruised woman beneath your black fur coat you wore because it's just too damn cold in Seattle...
"Hi, I'm Addison Shepherd," you manage to say without stuttering in the least bit.
You'll never figure out how you managed that much.
She takes your hand into hers and her sweet delicate fingers wrap around yours and you think you see stars.
Focus on the reason you're here, Addison, you tell yourself in alarm.
"Shepherd!?" The girl, Meredith, says to you in a musical voice.
God, he sure has good taste, doesn't he? At least in other women, he does. Or at least with Meredith he sure does because the way she says his/your name as it rolls off her lips makes you want to melt to the floor and fall right at her feet...
You hate more than anything the first word she ever spoke to you was his name.
Shepherd.
Well, yours, too.
For the moment.
But she doesn't know that part, yet.
And neither do you for that matter.
Because you still haven't made up your mind about divorcing Derek quite yet.
You were sure until this girl came into the picture. Now you want to take him back for all the wrong reasons. Now you want Derek to want you just to take him away from HER.
You smile a tight smile as you hear Derek smirk and gruff in amusement.
What an ass he sure is.
You release the girl's hand and point a finger to her face.
She's going to hate you forever for what you're about to say.
But you say it anyway, before you lose your momentum, because you know she's better off hating both of you than loving your husband.
Derek.
You lock into Meredith's eyes as you take a deep breath.
You feel Derek's gaze as you widen your lips.
You feel more like Addison than you have ever been as you bellow...
"Addison Shepherd..." You hate the sound of it the moment it teases your tongue.
It's for the best, you justify. You ARE Addison Shepherd, and you always will be. You'll never escape now and you might never want to. You're the doomed wife who's taken on his family history and you'll go down in the books under all his accomplishments. You'll never be just 'Montgomery,' ever again...?
"And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband," you finally manage, pointing to Derek from Meredith halfway through your damn sentence.
And in the silence that surrounds you all, one could hear a single pin drop.
Her breath catches, and his doesn't as he looks from her to you.
Meredith.
The girl looks devastated, hurt and betrayed beyond belief, no going back at all ever again...
You wish you could tell her how much of a heartbreaker he really is.
You wish you could tell her he's not worth it to her, no matter how much she thinks he is.
You wish you could tell her that this is the least ruinous of his crimes, even though at this point, you know it's probably the worst thing she's experienced from Derek, thus far...
You see her trace an invisible line in her imagination with her eyes as they move slowly from you over to him.
You see her eye him in a new light, in an 'adulterous bitch,' light, and you seek comfort in the fact that her eyes light up with rage.
She looks like she wants to fight him, and you admire her fight.
Maybe you had it in you once, but you've lost it all now.
You're not up to challenging him, but it looks like she might be.
Meredith.
The three of you stand there unmoving in the lobby of Seattle Grace Hospital.
It's evening time and the rain is pouring down and the sky is black as you know Derek's heart now to be.
You look between all you three and you realize you represent, and you could be, and you maybe are...
The three pillars of good and evil themselves.
You are Satan and he is The Devil.
And she is an Angel sent down right from heaven.
If you believe in heaven and you believe in hell, then he is your hell, and she is...
You realize at that moment you'd go to the deepest depths of the underworld to keep her from harm.
You'd descend past your limits of torture to keep him from dragging her down with him.
You look at the girl, Meredith, and she's all bright and shiny and new.
And you're the fallen spirit, who's been crumbled up too many times like mildew.
And he's the one who leaves you broken and blue and a little bit bruised.
And you realize as the girl looks back up to him, that your very worst fears, are true.
She's not walking away from him, she's not yelling or kicking or screaming or making a fuss.
She knows who he is to you, to her, and she's standing there anyway.
She likes him still, and you know she likes him the very same way that you do.
Meredith loves him already, and she loves him still, now.
Derek loves you, Derek loves himself, and Derek loves Meredith.
You love Derek, you don't love yourself anymore. And you could just might fall in love with-
Meredith hates Derek, and she hates you, and she hates herself even more.
You see the broken look in her eye, in the way that she looks at him.
It's the same broken look in your eye, that you have when you look at him.
You love Derek, but even more, you love the way that he lies to you.
And so does she.
And it breaks your damn heart.
But for her, not for him.
You hate yourself even more.
***** END OF CHAPTER NINE
Author's Note:
Okay, so channeling some vibes of "Unhinged (AddisonandDerekandMark)" by AddisonAddek there, y'know what I'm sayin'? These references are getting incorrigible I know... I hope you continue taking them as a compliment!
Did you expect this to happen?
Probably.
Was it effective?
Hopefully.
Do you want more?
Maybe.
Let me know in the comments, folks, I know the last cliffhanger was tough and well, so is this one, potentially.
This work has earned its place as one of my favorite things ever to have started.
And now I want to do right by it and it's going to be slow...
Yes, Meredith is now in the picture.
Yes, Derek is still in the picture.
And yes, Addison is still torn apart.
Who knows what could happen, but whatever it is it will be better and faster if you leave a review!
THANK YOU FOR MAKING IT THIS FAR WITH ME. It's been a blast. Take care now!
bobbiejelly
Dedications, June 4, 2020, Chapter 9:
EVERYONE WHO READS THIS SO FAR AND COMMENTS, LIKES, FAVORITES, FOLLOWS, ADDS TO READING LIST ETC.
Ao3:
AddisonAddek for the phenomenal Comments. Can't thank you enough!
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Subscriptions: 1 Hits: 142 Kudos: 6 Comment Threads: 8 Bookmarks: 0
Fanfiction:
rhi bradley and Anne for the Reviews.
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rhi bradley, kaipulani, FightSong, , kjo2000, for the Follows.
690 Hits.
Wattpad:
Ty- arizonaslesbianism (bonus!), danielaperezsurga , new_being , outlawqueenpercabeth , for the SPECTACULAR comments and stars. JordynMarie05 , addiesrep , rene418 , for the votes so far.
275 Reads, 44 Votes, 223 Comments. Many people, who added this to their reading lists.
AND THANKS TO EVERYONE ELSE, WHO READS THIS, EVER!
Ps. Thanks to those of you who have PM'd reviews of this work, also!
Special thanks to everyone who has followed me as an author, added me to your favorites, read everything and anything I've ever published. There are more and more of you who invest in my work like that every day, and it warms my heart. My dearest thanks to you all.
Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:
Cookies & Quickies Bubble All Too Easy
Prom?
101 McDalmatians
Five Reasons We Knew Calzona Was Made For Each Other & Five + More 6 Sentence Fics
... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:
Falling Apart, Barely Breathing
Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery) Soothe A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition Out Of The Dark
Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!
bobbiejelly