I wrapped my gaze around little things that shattered me like only human tenderness could – the coffee brown curls, the straight outline of his nose, the slenderness of his downy limbs, and other indicators of happiness which despair and guilt forbid me to think about now. You have to be mad or a creature of infinite melancholy, with hot poison in your veins and a super-burning flame permanently aglow in your spine, in order to categorically refuse these clear signs of precious, reassuring, innocence among the erratic, unstable, pointless, misery of every day. And, tragically, I was.
Matty had beautiful full lips, but they didn't circle around words of dreams of having kids, growing old together, settling down, anymore. He was silent, but I knew how he felt, and it was hell to know it.
When I told him to leave my house, he didn't leave. He stayed beside me in my small bed doing his best not to touch me, not even accidentally – I'll die if you touch me. He didn't even take off his shoes. I looked at him with my red eyes swollen with tears, tightening the fabric of the sheets. We stared at each other without speaking until we fell asleep. It was the most intimate, romantic, sweet, sick, brutal and painful experience I've ever shared with anyone: to lay down, not to speak, not to touch – just stare and breathe. I couldn't tell if he really slept. When I opened my eyes again, in the morning, Matty, a hand between his cheek and the pillow, was looking at my body tiredly. His eyes traveled a short distance until they met mine and his features moved slightly.
"I need to leave for a couple of hours", he whispered, his voice raspy. "Band's stuff. It won't take me long, but I need to go. Please, be here when I come back. Can you promise me you'll stay here? We should talk and...figure things out."
"I have already figured things out."
"Can we...can we just talk some more about it later?". He held up his body, with his hands leaning on the mattress. His messy curls fell on his brow, but they didn't cover his broken eyes. "You'll stay here. Promise me."
I pushed my cheek against the pillow. I wanted to be swallowed. I just looked at him.
He whispered, "promise."
I nodded.
His worried features cracked a little, but his eyes were still sad.
"Matty", I called him weakly before he could leave the room. He came back, looking down at me as I turned and laid on my back, so I could face him. I hesitated. Gravity pinned me to the bed, but I felt at the edge of a cliff. "I love you too."
The shadow of a tired tenderness appeared behind his eyes. And the smile of satisfaction. The smile of hope. "I can't believe you just fucking said that."
"Please, keep it in mind", I said.
His smile took on an unconvincing shape. He nodded. I supposed part of him knew what was going to happen. He had to keep it in mind so he could forgive me. He knew that when he was going to come back, I wouldn't be there. But he just hoped love could stop me.
"Matty called again", Sadie told me.
"Did you tell him I was at your place?"
"No, but", she sighed, "to be honest, I was about to. I don't want to lie to cover you anymore. It's been days."
I sneaked out of my own flat and stayed at Sadie's. I avoided Matty's calls. I called my doctor. I did everything mechanically with the same coldness of an assassin. Many would think that I actually was. But I was just trying to do what was the right thing in my head.
I tried to hold back that permanent sense of nausea. Was my body so sick of itself that I had to throw up, little at a time, every inch of my soul? I breathed deeply. I won't feel like this any longer, I thought. Today was the day. And Matty had no idea where I was or what I was doing. But if he was smart as I knew he was, I bet he could imagine.
Sadie studied me. "Are you sure of what you're doing?", she asked.
"You think I should have a child that I don't want? What kind of mother would I be? Try to think about it."
"You know I support and respect your decision. I think you're doing the right thing. Just – just not like this", she told me, not looking at me. "You're taking a decision that affects him too. You shouldn't cut him off", she sighed again. "I just don't understand why you're avoiding him. He doesn't seem to be the kind of man who would claim to tell a woman what to do with her body. And you need him. It won't be easy like taking out the trash. You should let him be there for you."
She was right. He would never have forced me to do anything. But I couldn't look at him knowing I was doing something that he hoped I'd never did, even if he couldn't tell me. That bunch of cells in my womb was just another warning sign: love is not enough, for Matty and I. We wanted, in life, different things. It hurt to know it. It hurt to look at him and think, we're not, we're not meant for each other.
"Alright, I'll let you do your call", Sadie sighed, tired of talking alone. "I hope this is the right time."
I hoped too. I didn't know how many times I tried to call my mum and tell her what was going on.
"Natalie will be here in ten minutes with her car, by the way", she said before leaving the room, not without glancing at me with regret.
Everyone that I met in these past days looked at me with regret, pity, disappointment. I was so sick of being looked like that, I wished I could just disappear, just like the thing inside me.
The thing. Maybe my dad was right calling me the Antichrist.
However, all of that didn't matter as I was in Sadie's living room with my phone close to my ear, waiting for my mum to pick up. It was 7AM in Italy, but I knew she was awake. I just wanted to tell her I had the germ of a child inside me, and I was about to kill it. Simple like that. I tried for days. But the words just refused to come out. I wasn't looking for permission – I was an adult. I wasn't looking for forgiveness – I was sure I was doing the right thing. I just had the disturbing feeling that my newly started pregnancy worked backwards, and instead of gaining weight I would have simply shrunk, not only in size but also in age. And what does a kid do when she has a problem? She needs mum.
She had no clue and she listened to my crumbling words, with the flat calmness of a woman trapped in a marriage that stinks of old alcohol and broken promises and words of sweetness that never came. If there was a correlation in all of this, I didn't want to know.
"Ari! I've been calling you for days, is everything alright?"
"Yeah"
"Are you sure, honey?"
"Yeah, I just called to say..." I'm sorry. I'm scared. "I wanted to know if you were doing okay, mum"
"Yeah, I'm in the tube, going to work" she sighed. "It's going be a long day"
"Yeah, don't tell me"
"What's up, honey? You sound so strange. Is everything okay with Matty?"
The sound of his name cut me open like a knife. He probably hated me for disappearing like that, and he had all the reasons.
"I – I just wanted to hear your voice. I have to go now"
"What do you plan to do today?"
I hesitated for what felt an eternity. "Band's stuff. I have to go. Bye, mami"
"You haven't called me like that since you were a child" I heard her smile. "Bye, honey. And tell Matty next time he comes here I'll prepare him a nice lunch, okay?"
I took a moment before speaking again. "I really need to go now. Bye, mum"
Natalie arrived. With my heart in my throat I couldn't tell what I was feeling. I stared at the rain outside her car window. They were playing Matty's songs on the radio. Notes on a conditional form was finally out that day. Although I wasn't in the mood to listen to his voice at all, neither I nor my friends managed to change the radio station.
Violins over redundant robo beats flitted through my ears.
Leaving you
Here
Is the thing
That I fear
So I fight it
"This song is about wanting to die with your partner. Don't want to lose someone you love" the radio host said. "Matty is asking his partner if they want to die together, to never have either one living alone without the other. Like calling bagsy not in net, this is essentially Matty's way of saying: I'm not dying first, without you."
Matty sang for what felt endlessly:
Do you wanna leave at the same time
Do you wanna leave at the same time
Do you wanna leave at the same time
Do you wanna leave at the same time
Do you wanna leave at the same time
Do you wanna leave at the same time
We drove to the hospital in the pouring rain, with the windshield wipers in full action but unable to cope with my tears.