Author's Note:
This is inspired by the songs "Love The Way You Lie," by Eminem & Rhianna and "Love The Way You Lie Pt. 2," by Rhianna ft. Eminem, and "Love The Way You Lie Pt. 3," by Skylar Grey.
(Lyrics quoted at the bottom, found from off of the internet. These are really powerful songs that I really do enjoy listening to, despite their challenging content.)
The work is inspired by other stories of a similar nature which I love. "Black and Blue and a Little Bit Broken," and "Christmas Lights," and "Be Calm," by Alice Sloane13. "Meredith's Secret," by itslexipedia on Wattpad and BreakingJade on Fanfiction. "In Memory Of Me," and "How To Make Friends With The Dark," by TheQueenOfPassiveAggressiva on Fanfiction.
This is also a sort-of extension on some of my own works that always seem to have a bit of a hurt-comfort dynamic, primarily "Soothe," where I wrote one chapter that seemed to be really popular so I wanted to expand on the concept here.
This story will be heavy. It is not for the faint of heart.
I hope to do this story justice but I am still learning as a writer. All feedback is welcome and I value it.
This fic is written in the second-person, from Addison Montgomery's perspective.
I hope you will enjoy it nonetheless.
bobbiejelly
CONTENT WARNINGS TO FOLLOW:
READ IF YOU WOULD LIKE A HEADS UP FIRST, OR:
AT YOUR OWN RISK, SKIP TO THE TITLE CARD IF YOU DO NOT WANT SPOILERS.
This first chapter has mentions of marital violence between Addison's parents, which the kids get caught up in on occasion. It is not full-on child abuse, but it's not a healthy childhood environment, either.
As for the rest of the story: It will contain (Between Derek/Addison, and later Derek/Meredith), domestic violence, emotionally abusive, unhealthy, and deeply dysfunctional relationships. It will likely be long and slow, and it will get worse long before it gets better.
This story will contain graphic and consensual female-female sex. It will also contain consensual male-male gay sex. It also will contain consensual straight female-male sex.
*While the sex between Addison and the AU-Abusive Derek Shepherd will be 'consensual', I recognize there is a limit to how 'consensual' sex can be in an abusive relationship. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not writing about sexual abuse and/or rape, per se, Addison asks him for sex, or he does and she wants him, and it's an unhealthy dynamic because of what he does and the circumstances, but in this AU I guess I'm not writing that he's forcing himself upon her while she is saying no. That's where I draw my line in what I am comfortable with. This has been altered from my previous content warning, upon the guidance of reader feedback - thanks!
If new content warnings come up they will be listed at the top of the chapter.
Always feel free to take a breath or skip parts of it is too much for you. I don't want to give it all away before it happens, but I want you to know what you are reading, here.
I would also like to state that this is not a story I am writing out of personal experience (thank goodness!), this is not me expressing my own life through a story in any way or of someone I know personally. It is entirely fictional, based on other stories I have read and based on research on this topic. This is not me crying for help, but thank you for your hypothetical concern.
I will say up front that I will not commit to being a support person in crisis for a reader of this story over the internet. If you choose to share your own story with me over these story-sharing platforms that is up to you, but I will immediately redirect you to seek professional support for your region.
More information on domestic violence and emotional abuse can be found on reliable sources on the internet or by calling emergency numbers wherever you live.
Be safe and take care,
bobbiejelly
Love The Way You Lie
Derek Shepherd, your husband, hits you- but you stayed until you couldn't stand up anymore. Your best friend Mark Sloan helped you leave him and you two had some adulterous sex. When you see Derek again in Seattle with another woman, all you want is to save her from him. You didn't mean to fall in love with her. She wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, either. But you both did, anyway.
-Addison Forbes Montgomery, for Meredith Grey
MerAdd. Meddison. F/F. Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery. Rated E for Explicit. Grey's Anatomy & Private Practice Crossover.
CW: Domestic Violence. Unhealthy Relationships - Physically & Emotionally Abusive Addek & MerDer. Also briefly okay (non-abusive), Maddison & Mark/Derek.
*This story is entirely fictional. Please seek professional help for abusive relationships in yourself and others. Take all abuse seriously.*
Chapter One: PROLOGUE
Your name is Addison Adrianne Forbes Montgomery.
You usually only go by "Addison Montgomery," though.
You were born in 1967 in Connecticut, United States of America.
And this is the story of your life, thus far, until now.
Your brother's name is Archer Forbes Montgomery. He's older than you and he makes sure that you always remember that.
Your mother's name is Bizzy Forbes and your father doesn't have a name to you other than 'The Captain' Montgomery.
You wrote that all on your school forms one time because your mother was drinking and so was your father so you had to fill it all out yourself and leave it for them to sign the bottom.
You were a wealthy family back then and also now. You don't write that on the forms though. You didn't have to. Everyone knew that anyway already because they knew your parents.
When you were younger you thought all kids' parents fought as yours did.
You didn't find out until you were an adult that other kids didn't start mixing their fathers cocktails at the tender age of eight years old.
You already knew the difference between a stiff drink and a cheap one and the garnishes to go along with all of them.
Neither of your parents was alcoholics but they did like to drink a lot.
You're not sure if it's because it made them forget to fight or if it's because they fought when they drank it.
It doesn't matter to you either way, really.
Either way, they start screaming and you weren't old enough at eight to ride your bike alone in the neighborhood even though your brother Archer was.
Sometimes he took you with him but not if his friends were around. Or his current girlfriend. Or one of his current girlfriends.
Your brother learned from your father that it was okay to indulge in one of life's simple pleasures.
Women were disposable to daddy, it seems, as long as he kept giving you ice cream you kept your mouth shut when he screwed his secretaries in his office while he left you to wait in the lobby.
You wonder why your mother doesn't leave him. Maybe she doesn't know. Maybe she already does and she just doesn't care.
Maybe she's afraid to leave him.
Maybe she loves him too much to let him go.
You don't ask either one of them, ever.
When you were seven when you fell off your bicycle and could barely walk after. Archer carried you home and your mother gave you a band-aid and your father gave you the Neosporin.
It was Archer who cleaned up the cut and it was you who put the band-aid on yourself.
You were lucky that both of your parents were both home and not yelling at the same time, all the same, or at least you tell that to yourself.
You don't talk to Archer about all the fighting.
You tried a few times but it's off-limits for him and he tells you not to tell other kids or your teachers and you don't because he's your brother and also your hero.
You listen to him more than Bizzy or even The Captain but you'll never tell either of your parents that, ever.
Then, he moves away to college first you spend a year wishing you could move away with him.
You know he has sex with a different girl every night but you still think it would be better than living with all the constant screaming.
The one responsible adult in your life, Susan Grant, you see less and less of as you grow older.
She was your nanny, and you don't need a nanny when you're past the age of twelve.
Or so your mother says when you ask why she never comes over anymore while you're home.
You know Bizzy still talks to her all the time because you hear the familiar voice on the phone but she never lets you have Susan Grant's number, yourself.
You don't have many friends growing up because you don't want them to come over to your place and your mother tells you it's rude to invite yourself over to their place.
You didn't want them to see your father lay a hand on your mother or for her to try to fight back with him. You didn't want them to call someone or tattle on you to their parents. You didn't want to cause any more trouble.
So you stick to yourself, mostly. Archer is more outgoing than you, and you're just a shy girl who gets good grades and also likes music.
You have not cried outside of your room since you were two because your mother told you it was not proper. You don't even show when you're hurt or sad because she says it makes you look weaker.
You want to cry when you see your dad yell at your mother, but you don't, and you don't step in, either.
The last time you did you got glass on your arm and you were kept home from school for a week so the school wouldn't call DCFS on all of you.
You wonder if maybe they should have, but when you asked Archer this he said they separate siblings in foster care and you would never want to lose your only sibling forever.
After that, you never get in the middle of things. Archer never did either, but it's not like you've seen him in ages.
He still calls you sometimes from college but he's busy with school and screwing people so you try to just keep it all in when you can.
Middle school came and went.
It was extremely boring.
High school came and went.
You met your prom date at band camp and his name was Skippy Gold.
You never tell your parents you have a date because your mother would not approve of someone who shares a name with a brand of peanut butter and your father might threaten to kill him.
He talked about Star Wars all night and you have never watched Star Wars but at least he doesn't yell at you or hit you either.
He asks if he can take your virginity after the dance.
You say he can and he does.
It's a miracle you never got pregnant from him or also got a disease.
Your parents were too conservative for a safe sex talk so you didn't know to insist on a condom.
He finished inside of you because he wanted to and you wanted him to as well because he told you "it feels really good when it happens that way,".
It really did feel really good. You try to forget about that once you learn about using protection.
You might have married that man had he not gone to a different college than you.
He stayed in Connecticut and you moved to New York.
He asked if you wanted to do long-distance.
You said no because you didn't.
When things got really bad with your husband, years later you sometimes wish that you stayed with Skippy Gold in state school instead.
You have sex with Skippy Gold four more times before you move away and he doesn't. You were Seventeen in the back of your jet-black Mercedes for most of it.
He was the first man who ever told you he was glad that you were in his life. Even before your own father did- your daddy only called you a nuisance. He told you he was so glad that he met you snd then he left you to go off to college.
You never saw him again after that. You tried calling him after but he never answered you. You're not sure if you were in love with him ever.
Sometimes you think you were. Sometimes you know you really weren't but he was just less bad than some of the alternatives.
You party a little at Yale during your undergrad but you don't date much.
You don't really meet anyone important enough to mention. You kiss a few boys. You even kiss a few girls, also.
You think that the girls were better kissers than the boys ever were, but you know your mom and your dad would flip their shit if you ever brought a woman home with you.
Or told them that you were seeing one, not that you were, anyway.
You don't bring anyone home though. Not even a boyfriend. You had a few of those, maybe. Or maybe they were one night stands.
You liked them more than they liked you or vice versa either way. At least now in college, you learn about birth control and STI's.
You get on the pill and you're pretty good at taking it. You use proper protection not like you didn't in high school.
You don't feel like your life has completely started yet until you get into medical school.
By then your brother is already admitted and wants to be either a neurologist or a cardiologist.
You want to be a surgeon but you don't know what kind yet. You'll decide later. You'll get a boyfriend later. You'll figure it out when you come to it.
You meet some of your very best friends in New York at Columbia College in first-year medical school.
One becomes your roommate and best friend, Naomi Bennett. The others are a tall handsome boy who has the biggest crush on you and his name is Sam Bennett.
Sam asks you out but you say no because Naomi likes him and you say they're meant to be because they already have the same last name but they are in no way related.
(You all checked thousands of times to make sure with their whole family trees, but as it turns out, 'Bennett' is just a really common name in New York).
Years later you'll hate yourself for wishing you said 'yes' to Sam so you wouldn't have gone out with your husband. But then Naomi might have dated your husband, and you decide you'd much rather it have been you than her, after all.
The day you met your husband you thought it was the beginning of the best few years of your life.
Little did you know it was about to be hell on earth in one singular person.
Derek Christopher Shepherd was the first man on the planet who ever told you he loved you. Even before your own father did. Even Skippy Gold never said that to you. The only other person who had come close to it was your brother, Archer, who only said 'luv ya, sis'.
Derek told you he loved you. You told Derek you loved him back.
You think later, you just loved the way he always lied to you.
You loved him and you hated him, and you loved and hated him even more. But you stayed with him no matter how hard he hit you, for ages... Because he acted towards you just like your father did to your mother. And you didn't really know any better than that.
***** END OF CHAPTER ONE
Author's Note:
First of all, apologies, fictional Derek. You do get to be a really cool villain, though, so that's fun, right?
Hello, whew, well here is all that background jazz.
A lot of this is canonical (if you watch Private Practice), with increased abuse and also violence.
I'm not trying to say with this story that everyone who has abusive parents will fall for an abusive significant other, nor do all people who have abusive parents become abusive themselves.
There are developmental studies that show that insecure attachments are common predecessors to unhealthy relationships in adults.
There are developmental studies that show that childhood trauma and family violence has profound effects on children later in life.
This, however, is not a research paper it is a story. And therefore I will restrain myself from including APA-style citations, here. Please see more information on those topics from actual scientific journals if you end up being incredibly interested.
Let me know if you want more of this, I really am interested in writing it.
If there are any scenes that you'd like to see in particular I am open to a lot of paths right now.
bobbiejelly
SONG INSPIRATION 1, LYRICS:
"Love The Way You Lie"
EMINEM
(feat. Rihanna)
[Rihanna:]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well, that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well, that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
[Eminem:]
I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now, it's a steel knife in my windpipe
I can't breathe but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it's like I'm in flight
High off her love, drunk from her hate
It's like I'm huffing paint and I love her the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I'm about to drown, she resuscitates me
She fucking hates me and I love it
"Wait! Where you going?"
"I'm leaving you!"
"No you ain't. Come back"
We're running right back
Here we go again
It's so insane 'cause when it's going good, it's going great
I'm Superman with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane
But when it's bad it's awful, I feel so ashamed I snap
"Who's that dude?"
"I don't even know his name"
I laid hands on her, I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength
[Rihanna:]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well, that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well, that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
[Eminem:]
You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe when you're with 'em
You meet and neither one of you even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah, them chills used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick of looking at 'em
You swore you'd never hit 'em; never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face spewing venom in your words when you spit them
You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down, pin 'em
So lost in the moments when you're in them
It's the rage that took over
It controls you both
So they say it's best to go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know you 'cause today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records playing over but you promised her
Next time you'd show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane
[Rihanna:]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well, that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well, that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
[Eminem:]
Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routines
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me
When it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time? There won't be no next time!
I apologize even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
I'm just gonna
[Rihanna:]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well, that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well, that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
SONG INSPIRATION 2, LYRICS:
"Love The Way You Lie Part II"
RHIANNA
(feat. Eminem)
[Rihanna:]
On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then this thing turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you'll always be my hero
Even though you've lost your mind
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Oh, I love the way you lie
[Rihanna:]
Now there's gravel in our voices
Glass is shattered from the fight
In this tug of war you'll always win
Even when I'm right
'Cause you feed me fables from your head
With violent words and empty threats
And it's sick that all these battles
Are what keeps me satisfied
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Oh, I love the way you lie
[Rihanna:]
So maybe I'm a masochist
I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave
'Til the walls are goin' up
In smoke with all our memories
[Eminem:]
It's morning, you wake, a sun ray hits your face
Smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
Hush baby, speak softly, tell me you're awfully sorry
That you pushed me into the coffee table last night
So I can push you off me
Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
Run out the room and I'll follow you like a lost puppy
Baby, without you I'm nothing, I'm so lost, hug me
Then tell me how ugly I am, but that you'll always love me
Then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
Destructive path that we're on, two psychopaths but we
Know that no matter how many knives we put in each other's backs
That we'll have each other's backs, 'cause we're that lucky
Together, we move mountains, let's not make mountains out of molehills,
You hit me twice, yeah, but who's countin'?
I may have hit you three times, I'm startin' to lose count
But together, we'll live forever, we found the youth fountain
Our love is crazy, we're nuts, but I refuse counsellin'
This house is too huge, if you move out I'll burn all two thousand
Square feet of it to the ground, ain't shit you can do about it
'Cause with you I'm in my fuckin' mind, without you I'm out it
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's all right because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's all right because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Oh, I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
"Love The Way You Lie, Pt. III"
SKYLAR GREY
On the first page of our story
The future seemed so bright
Then the saint turned out so evil
I don't know why I'm still surprised
Even angels have their wicked schemes
And you take that to new extremes
But you'll always be my hero
Even though you've lost your mind
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Now there's gravel in our voices
Glasses shattered from the fight
In this tug of war you always win
Even when I'm right
Cos you feed me fables from your head
With violent words and empty threats
And it's sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
So maybe I'm a masochist
I try to run but I don't wanna ever leave
Til the walls are going up
In smoke with all our memories
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Ps. New MerAdd fics are up or updated, recently:
Prom?
101 McDalmatians
Five Reasons We Knew Calzona Was Made For Each Other & Five + More 6 Sentence Fics
Move Over, Derek!
... And there will eventually, soon be new Chapters of these ones up:
Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery) Falling Apart, Barely Breathing Soothe A Seattle Grace Mercy West Swingers Party - Post Plane Crash Edition Out Of The Dark
Feel free to check them out, hopefully after you leave a note, and have a great day!
bobbiejelly