Not Like the Last Time
Esme took me home later that night. She had offered me to stay with them but I didn't want Charlie to freak out. Besides, I needed a moment on my own to assimilate the tragic news.
The trip from the Cullens to my house felt eternal. Esme did not try to talk to me and I really appreciated it. After all, what was I going to say?
Why did your son leave me? Why did he decide to abandon me breaking my heart?
She was not able to answer those questions. Actually, none of the Cullens was. And I did not expect any answer from them. I was sure Edward had made his decision alone because his family would not have left him go so easily.
Esme parked in front of my house and slowly turned to me. We looked at each other and the inevitable happened. I started crying again covering my face with my hands. She leaned closer to me and hugged me strongly. To my surprise, she did not ask me to stop crying or tried to calm me down. She just let me fall apart.
Esme was indeed a good mother. She knew I would not be able to do this with Charlie or with my own mother. She knew I needed her right now.
Only when I could control my tears and stopped sobbing, she spoke.
"Bella, I want you to promise me something."
"Anything," I replied knowing I would regret my answer.
"You are going to take care and be careful. You are not going to do anything stupid tonight."
"Like jumping off a cliff?" I told her faking a smile, but the memory hurt me deep inside.
"Exactly like that."
"Don't worry, Esme." I took a deep breath and looked outside the window and into the woods for a moment. "Something tells me this is not going to be like the last time."
She frowned and looked ahead at the dark empty street, like if she was remembering that last time. I was not ready to bring those memories back, so I opened the door of my truck and got out.
"Here," Esme told me giving me the keys of my truck as she got out of it too. She was the first Cullen who had not complained about the speed of my vehicle.
I stood in the sidewalk and she quickly came to my side. "Don't worry, he's sleeping. I can hear him snoring."
"Great. I am not ready to explain anything. Not yet." I admitted and sighed in relief.
"Take your time, sweetie. It will hurt-"
"Again." I interrupted her.
"Yes, again. I'm afraid."
"I guess I should go in now," I did not want to be rude to her but I was feeling another collapsing moment coming over me soon. And even though she was her mother, Esme was not responsible for Edward's decision's effects on me.
"Okay. But, before you go in, you haven't answered me."
"I promise you I won't do anything stupid."
"And?"
"And that I'll take care of myself."
"Good. Come here," she told me opening her arms.
I turned to her and we shared a long hug. Her cold body made me shiver so she gently let me go. I climbed the steps to my door and turned to wave a last goodbye to her. She was looking down and I bet there would be a collapsing moment for her too on her way back home.
I stood there looking her leave. But she did not disappear in a blur as any other vampire would have done. No. She started to walk away unhurriedly, her hands in her pockets and her head low.
Edward had really hurt us all.
Once inside, I got to hear Charlie snoring too, so I went straight to my bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed.
Like any other night, I thought about the following day: the time I should wake up, the clothes I would wear and where I would go. Except that, unlike any other night, I had no plans for the next day. I had no reason to get off the bed, to go outside, to live.
And it was in that exact moment that I understood a crucial thing for me. I had been wrong before. Edward had not broken my heart. He had taken it away with him.
My life was empty, and so was I. Again.
I lay down in my bed but could not sleep at all. Just like me, my bed was empty as well. I would never get to sleep in Edward's arms ever again. I looked around the room trying to think about something else, but everything seemed so awkward, so out of place. Until I realized the problem was not my room, but me. For some reason, I did not feel comfortable in my own room anymore.
The rest of the night was silent and quiet, only the sound of the wind echoing in the distance. With the first rays of light entering through the window I realized I had spent the whole night fighting with that awful new sensation.
I had not cried, sobbed or even moved. It was like if my body did not belong to me anymore.
"Bella?" Charlie called me from his bedroom.
"Yes?" Not even my voice sounded as mine anymore.
"I did not hear you arrive last night."
I pretended I had not heard him. It was too early in the morning for him to deal with this.
Unconsciously and almost mechanically, I got up, took a shower, changed my clothes and went downstairs to have breakfast with Charlie, as I would do any other day.
"Morning," Charlie greeted me taking a sip from his cup.
"Morning, dad." I said staring at the kitchen walls which now looked unfamiliar to me. I poured some coffee for myself and sat next to him staring at the wooden table.
"Did you get home late last night? You look terrible," he laughed. If he only knew...
"Yeah."
"Where did you go?"
"The Cullens."
"Hum, you got back with Edward, didn't you?"
I raised my head and looked at him unable to control myself. He had got to the point faster than what I had expected. My arms fell down to the sides of my body and my hands dropped the cup of coffee, making it crush against the floor.
"Bella!" Charlie got to my side and took my hands in his. "Bells, what is it?"
Edward has gone.
Carlisle's words resonated in my mind but my lips did not move. All my energy was put in my weak effort to breathe through my tears and the pressure in my lungs.
Charlie left my hands and hugged me as he could, completely ignoring the mess on the floor. I suppose I was a bigger mess. I hugged him back and my mouth was faster than my brain.
"Please, don't leave dad. You can't leave me too."
"Leave? Where? It's Saturday, Bella, I'm staying home."
"Please," was all I repeated.
"Honey, you're scaring me. What's going on?" he got apart from me and held my face to look straight at my eyes. Concern was all over his face.
"He left."
"Who left? Where?" but he suddenly understood what I was trying to say. He opened his eyes and blinked like three times as his jaw tensed. "Edward left you?"
"No. He just... left. Forever."
And just like that, I stopped crying. I stopped sobbing and shaking. My body froze and all the thoughts in my mind disappeared. Everything around me became irrelevant, even the conversation itself. It was like if my mind and body had been switched off. I would say my heart but it was with Edward who knows where.
Charlie noticed my change and shook his head, waiting for my next reaction. Since I did not move or speak, he went on.
"Honey, I'm really sorry." He placed his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. "But I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere, okay?"
I nodded only, still waiting for my tears to come. A shiver, a shout, anything. Nothing happened. I was definitely broken or something similar.
"Did he say why he left?"
"No," I murmured absentminded.
"I guess he must have had a good reason." His words brought my attention back to the conversation and I looked at him, doubting about the honesty in his words. "I mean, it was obvious he loved you, Bells."Okay, he was indeed being honest, though a particular word still echoed in my head.
Loved. A past time.
"I just – don't care anymore."
I pushed Charlie away, got up and left the kitchen. I got in my bedroom closing the door behind me and approached the window to open it. A gust of cold wind hit me in the face and messed with my hair. It was freezing but I did not care. I could not feel anything.
Having admitted out loud that Edward was gone had provoked a change in me. Or, better said, it had put everything in perspective, letting me see everything clearly.
Despite all the pain I had gone through because of Edward's choice, my words had been true. I did not care anymore. He had once been the most important thing to me, making my life turn around him. But now that he was not here with me, I had nothing left.
I just could not care about him anymore. I just could not care about absolutely anything. Not even myself.
So, I had been right about what I had told Esme. This time was not going to be like the last one.
Not at all.
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I know this is quite sad, but I promise you the best is coming soon!
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Question: Who is your favourite Cullen? Mine are definitely Edward and Jasper.
Love, Agus