I'm trying not to drag out this story, sorry there is so many time skips and it's fast but like... Uh.. I'm sorry for it being shitty hehe.
I offer these cookies as a sorry for being shitty and for what's about to happen ^^^
This and the next chapter is unedited because I am unable to reread and edit it because I will start crying from it. You'll see why.
William
School finally ended, which was a major relief but also a major problem.
I have to spend quality time with my siblings until my parents come home from work. I always had to go to therapy, twice a week exactly, and school was no longer something to distract me from the chaos.
I'm unable to see Nicholas everyday, but I currently didn't care about seeing him or not.
It's just been a rough past few weeks.
I noticed my eating habits have fallen back to how they were before the hospital, purposely skipping meals and throwing up nearly everyday. My negative thoughts worsened and I constantly felt the urge to cut, which I normally gave in to.
All my progress and mental health plummeted all at once and it's started to effect others instead of me.
Grumbling at the text, I just turn my phone off, rolling my eyes in annoyance.
Nicholas and I got into an argument earlier this week. It started off with him asking me over text if I've been taking care of myself and me getting upset at him for being 'up my ass'.
The argument lead to him calling me and us yelling at each other, his words were hurtful and stuck to my mind. Mine probably went in one ear and out the other.
"You can't just push people away when you need help."
"I'm sorry that I just care, I could just stop and let you deal with things yourself. But we both know how what would go."
"Maybe we should just break up since I'm just such a problem to you."
"Cutting yourself isn't going to solve everything, its one of the many reasons you were in the hospital!"
"You're so selfish, I've done nothing but make sure you're okay. Then you repay me by acting like a brat because you don't want to eat!?"
The entire conversation played through my head but only a handful of words caused my heart to ache.
I knew I just frustrated Nicholas more by adding smart remarks and bitchy comment. He probably meant every word he said but maybe not as harsh.
I never realized that I made him feel like a problem or how selfish I really was acting. He's bent over backwards for me and I just throw a fit over cutting and not wanting to eat.
My phone rang and I scowl, declining the call in a heartbeat. My heart ached as I glanced at the gorgeous contact picture of Nicholas, wishing we were on better terms at the moment.
Maybe you should stop being a petty, over dramatic bitch and answer to damn phone! You've been ignoring him for 3 days, asshole.
Every single time a message would pop up or he'd try to call, a wave of guilt and heartache hit me like a truck.
He probably needs you right now and you're being a selfish bitch.
What if he did need me? Last night, he tried calling me a handful of times, but I ignored every single one of them. I'd clear my notifications everytime he texted, not wasting my time to read them.
Oh my gosh, I feel awful now.
With shaky hands, I grabbed my phone, clicking on a recent message he'd send.
Nick- Baby, I'm so sorry for what I said. I know this isn't as sincere over text, but it was wrong of me to be that harsh. You are my absolute world and I love you so much.
A handful more of his text were similar to that one, each one making my heart crumble with guilt. I scrolled down to the text from last night, widening my eyes at how many there were.
Nick- Shit, William, I need you right now. I know you hate me right now and you don't want to talk, but no one else understands what happened and my mom isn't helping much. Please, pick up the phone.
Nick- Baby boy, please. My thoughts are out of control and I can hardly breath. I need you.
My eyes scanned over the words with watery eyes, reading the begs and sweet words.
I hugged my arm around myself, disgusted in myself for ignoring my boyfriend. He was right, I'm selfish and I know I don't deserve him at all.
I scrolled to the text from earlier today, hoping they were a bit brighter.
Nick- I hate myself for how I spoke to you, William. You are worth more than gold and deserve the entire world. I'm sorry for the pain I caused you and that I'm a bother to you. I understand why you're mad and if you want to break up.
Nick- I don't deserve any of you and you're just the most perfect thing that's ever existed. You're too good for me and I hate to do this over text, but you aren't picking up...I think we should break up. I hurt you and it's clear that you don't want to talk to me. I love you so much, William Newton, so much. I'm sorry for what I said and I hope you can forgive me.
Nick- I don't want to break up, but I know I just make your life worse. I just want you to get better and I'm sorry I couldn't fix you, William.
( I'm fucking crying)
Tears stung my eyes, immediately running down my face as I sobbed at his words, rereading them over and over again.
Why do you have to be so selfish? Why do you have to be so pathetic? Why do you have to be so petty? Why do you have to cause everyone else's life to get worse? Why are you such a problem? Why don't you just fucking die?
You hurt the one guy who care about you and you deserve to suffer a slow, painful death.
Sobbing into my hands, all logical thinking was thrown away as suicide clouded my mind.
Fuck my family, they wouldn't miss me. They're always upset with me because of my disorders and mental illnesses. I'm the middle child that they don't care about and I'm worthless to them.
Fuck my friends, they are never there for me, I'm always there for them.
Fuck school, it just caused stress to pile up.
Fuck therapy. Fuck meds. Fuck people. Fuck everyone. Fuck life!
One, sane thought pushed through all the negative. What about Nicholas, he loves you.
I scowled, I'm just a problem to him. He deserves to live a long, healthy life with someone who isn't as fuck up as I am.
Just end it. Right now. Don't leave a note, no one cares. Just end it. End it all.
The phrases echoed through my head and took over every control I had over myself. My hands rummaged through a drawer, pulling out the sharp blade from a pencil sharpener.
My heart was pounding against my chest and my stomach dropped at the thoughts.
Whenever I considered suicide, I'd always think that I would think of everyone who loves and cared about me. About happy memories to ease the idea away.
But none popped into my head. The only thing that popped into my head was, end it.
Rolling up my sleeves, I tilted my head to get a better look at the countless, ugly scars across my arms. Each were deep and horizontal and I thought, vertical lines cut veins. Slit your goddamn wrist, right now. End it.
Gulping, I imagined how everyone would react if I'd die. Maybe someone would shed or tear, but I don't anyone would truly care.
It'd be one less mouth to feed, one more ex to a list, and one dead friend who was already a problem to everyone.
My eyes shifted to my phone, deciding to text someone one last time.
Me- I love you Daddy Long Legs. Good bye.
I squeeze my teary eyes shut, pressing the blade into my skin, hissing at the deepness. You deserve to die.
Sliding the blade up, I gasp at the burning pain, crying out as blood instantly spilled from my wrist. My breath became shaky and I dropped the blade, letting thick blood flow from my arm.
Pain and self-hate and want poured out of me and I already felt light headed. I hissed loudly in pain, waiting for it all to just go away.
With all the strength I could muster, I type in one last word and sent it before everything became blurry.
Me- Forever.
I fucking cried throughout this entire chapter. This wasn't planned but it was at the same time... Like I never thought I'd do it but like...I did....
I didn't intend on killing off my character, but like, I am too depressed to continue writing about a depressed boy... Ya know?
The only thing I'm going to say for the next chapter is...
Get ready for the tears. Cause I know I cried planning all of this out and I'm sorry it wasn't great but like it's 3am and I'm sad and crying, this is written through tears, I don't plan on changing it much.
~Whoops