Kusema ukweli si tua
(Speaking the truth is no disgrace)
______________________________________
Raziya
"Are you sure that's the full story?" My mum asked, eyes piercing deep into me.
Raising one hand up and placing the other one on my chest," It's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth."
Her frown eased up a bit as she held back a laughter.
"I believe her, or rather I believe that our parenting has been good enough over the years," my dad defended.
My mother searched my face one more time for any trace of deceit before throwing her arms up in surrender, "Fine, but don't scare us like that again, okay?" Cupping face in her hands. I smiled back at her and nodded.
It had been a long morning as I tried to narrate the series of events that led me to spending the night at Taji's. My honesty seemed questionable as heat flushed to my cheeks each time I mentioned his name to them. One thing I couldn't shake off though were the dark circles around his eyes.
Where did he go for the past four days?
Maybe he's just tired.
I still couldn't understand why he was back that early in the morning. Shaking away any more thoughts about him, I went ahead with my usual morning routine. I opened my Bible app. Upon seeing that the scripture that stood out deserved a post, I took a screen shot and posted it. I followed it with another song that popped up in my head.
I'm supposed to meditate on that word.
Or at least even listen to the song.
Lemme take a shower first.
I decided to shower. Once I was satisfied with my clean up routine, I dropped on my bed and reached out for my phone. I went straight to see how many people had viewed my status update. The same old people, but one contact stood out.
Mr. Taji.
Okay.
Don't overthink.
Don't overthink.
Don't overthink.
I scrolled through again, now certain that I was looking for a specific name.
Jab.
Jab.
Jab.
Okay, it's still early.
Tossing my phone to the side as I lay on my stomach, I made a mental note to change Mr. Taji to Taji. That thought didn't last long as I fell asleep, again. Fatigue had really gotten the best of me but at least this time I was home.
》《
I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing at midday. I checked on the caller ID and saw Blue Bird. I knew exactly what she wanted.
"Hey, what's up," my voice still a bit hoarse.
"Were you asleep? Man I wish I had your life. Anywaaaaayyyy, how was your morning?" Her playful voice ringing in my ears. Choosing not to play along, I acted oblivious.
"It was normal, how was yours?"
"It was normal," she replied mocking my tone. "Now that that's out of the way, tell me everything. "
"You know, I don't get you sometimes. Not so long ago, you were all up in my face about Jab. Now, you're doing the exact same thing about Taji,"
"This one has beautiful hair, and isn't like 10 feet taller than you, and am I forgetting something, oh yeah, HE DRIVES YOUR DREAM CAR," she went on with a hysterical tone, "It's a sign Raz, a siiigggnnnn." I chuckled and rolled my eyes at her before I narrated my dramatic morning.
"I'm sorry, my mind went blank at 'I woke up in his room' ,"
"LILY!"
"What, it's just... fascinating... intriguing... goosebumpling,"
"Come on, that's not even a word, "
"If you understood me, then it is,"
"Why do I even talk to you?"
"No no, I think you mean, Lily, you're the most precious gift God gave to me, you're my everything, the ying to my yang, the peanut butter to my jelly, the... the... okay I'm all out of Shakespeareness,"
"Shakespeareness!" I managed to say in between laughs, "You're quite something you know."
After we both finally gained the ability to breath, she spoke up, her tone a bit too serious for my liking, "I've had a lot of bad luck with love, but I've also learnt a lot from that. One thing I know for sure, is that Taji maybe possibly could be the one, " pulling out 'love' and 'the one'.
"Whatever, lemme get some stuff done around here, later Blue Bird."
"Bye Raz."
I hang up as I internally cringed at the sound of the word love. I never really wanted anyone that close to me. As far as I knew, the only people I could say I did love were my mum, dad and Riz. That's it. The thought of adding a man to my life always thrived in my fantasies, in real life though, not so much. Everyone always said that I was too preoccupied with getting Jabari to like me in that way that I kept sidelining potential partners. To be honest, I had my mind set on Jabari and everyone else was pretty much, just basic. This morning though, there was a slight feeling in my gut that that was about to change. That aside, my mind lingered on a statement she'd made.
I've had a lot of bad luck with love.
Lily never actually talked about her 'love life'. She actually barely talked about her life. All I knew about her was that she was partly Kenyan and partly Ethiopian. Her dad owned a chain of restaurants and her mum was a chef. That explained her beautiful hair and the fact that she had a subaru without any history of working anywhere consecutively. She said that graphic design was her passion so she turned down an offer to be a manager of one of the hotels to do her thing.
I told myself that I'll ask her about it later and went ahead to put some clothes on. My phone buzzed in the process. I picked it up and my eyes landed on the last name I'd ever see across my screen.
Amber: Hey you!
Raz: Hey you too!
What does she want now?
Amber: This is totally on short notice, but I'm kinda free today, was really hoping that you are too.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Raz: Yeah I am, why?
You did it.
Amber: Awesome! Could we meet up? It's really been a while. And honestly, I miss my friend.
The next text I sent was completely out of my normalcy. I wasn't going to say no. I honestly didn't want to spend the rest of my free day constructing fake smiles on my poor face. But I sent the text anyway. Why? I don't know!
Raz: Sure thing!
》《
"Raziya!" Amber called out to me as I walked into the restaurant. She actually got up from her seat and ran to hug me. That almost made me feel more comfortable around her.
"So how have you been, how's the new job?"
"It's been great, nothing much really,"
Oh if only you knew.
"What do you mean nothing much, this has been your song since we were kids. I remember when you used to dress up and strut around the house in your mum's heels acting like a realtor, "
I eased up at the thought of that memory. We had really been great friends. We agreed not to call each other best friends because we always knew that it was way stronger than that. Till she changed.
"Well, I recently did my first project by myself. On all the others I'd done before I felt like an intern. It was great to have full control on what a space would look like." I briefly paused as Taji's face crossed my mind. Quickly brushing it off, I went on," How are you doing, you know with the baby and all, how far long are you? "
"It's been five months, really glad I'm not puffing out so far," she replied with a beaming expression. I then realized that it had been five whole months since we had an actual conversation. The last time we met up was when she was giving me the news.
"And Jalil, how's life been,"
"He's the best husband ever honestly, some days I just feel like I don't deserve him you know, " she placed her head on her palms and looked up in utter bewilderment.
I know?
What do I know about marriage.
What do I even know about dating?
Jeez this girl.
The waiter came and took our orders. "Two strawberry milkshakes please, " she slid in pulling the menu out of my grasp and shooting me a grin that said 'I know what you're gonna order'. I honestly felt like she was trying too hard to fix the rift between us. It had bearly been half an hour into our conversation when I finally snapped. "Amber, why did you call me?" Her eyes widened in indignation before she furrowed her eyebrows and replied in a perplexed tone," Because I wanted to meet up with you."
"So one minute you treat me like a stranger, then the next you're warming up to me, " my voice coming out a bit too terse than I'd planned. She got her elbows off the table, closed her eyes and sighed.
"I also wanted to talk about that."
Dramatically leaning back on my seat, I gave her a pointed look as I waited for her to continue speaking.
"Look, I know I've been a horrible friend, I shouldn't have made you feel invisible after all the time we spent building up our friendship, and I am honestly... , " picking up my hand," ...sincerely sorry for all that. For not calling or texting, for planning hangouts and excluding you. For just generally dropping everything..."My heart warmed up and I could feel the icebergs it had developed start cracking as she apologized. I noticed that she wasn't done so I smiled at her, urging her to let everything out. She suddenly seemed tensed as she swallowed a big gulp then went on,"but..."
But?
Apologies don't have buts?
"Here's the thing. I felt pushed away too for a while. This doesn't justify what I did at all. But I just needed to get it off my chest."
What?
"Are you trying to say that I pushed you away?"
Sighing again, she let go of my hand and proceeded, "Whenever we were together, all you did was talk about Jab, like literally all the time. I can't blame you for that coz I personally can go on and on about Jalil, I know the feeling. But you know that Jalil and I have told you, a couple of times, to drop it. I didn't see it at first, but it kinda started getting old. Whenever we go out, you had something fresh to complain about him. It was either his drinking, or his clubbing, or his promiscuity, or he's not texting you back fast enough, or he's not hanging out with you enough plus a bunch of other things. I noticed it last year, when all our friends from church got together to plan a surprise birthday party for you. All you did was complain that we didn't invite him. Then the next week was all about how he forgot your birthday. I know this is tough to hear but, you're addicted to him, and it's getting toxic. I honestly thought you were over it, till I saw you with him that Friday at church."
Is she even serious right now?
"Amber, I like you and all, but you have no idea about what you're saying." Trying to keep my voice as calm as I possibly could. "Everyone has their flaws and that's what makes them beautiful. " And with that, she rolled her eyes as she threw her head back, a look of exasperation all over her demeanour. That, that was the Amber I knew, not the sappy woman she was a few minutes before.
" Raziya, you're getting in over your head with this. The guy doesn't like you like that. You've convinced yourself that you'll change him, you'll turn him over to Christ and everything will be okay. It doesn't work like that. Oil and water will never mix. It's even written in 2nd Corinthians I think 4:16, that there can be no harmonic union between a believer and a non believer. Not to make him look like some sorcerer or something like that, but your interests just clash. I as much as it might work out, one of you will tire the other one out and the results will be ugly."
She does have a point.
And is she quoting scripture now?
Who is this girl?
"I get what you mean. But you don't know that for sure. God is the only one who knows our futures. Besides, you don't know what we have with Jab."
"Oh trust me, I do know. It's called a platonic relationship,"
"It's more than that!"
"To you," she was surprisingly still calm through all this. I on the other hand felt like an oven bearing scorched cake on the inside. My face was heating up really fast as my hands curled up into fists. I wasn't going to hit her of course. I was just completely vexed.
"You're just saying that because you live the fairytale of getting married to your highscool sweetheart, it takes longer for some of us here,"
"What does my marriage have to do with this honestly Raz?"
"Everything, ya'll dated, got married and now I mean nothing to you. Yet you can still find time to bash me about my love life,"
"What love life?" She said under her breath.
"Excuse me?"
"What love life?" She asked this time staring straight into my eyes.
The ghetto.
I opened my mouth to counter that but she cut in, "Raziya, I love you, I really do. But over the years Jab has been your gauge. Whenever someone approaches you, he's either not bearded enough or not buff enough or not cool enough. Let it go, I know I'm coming across as a judgemental traitor, but you'll thank me later."
"Are you even listening to yourself? "
"That's it, I can't deal with this," she said getting up to leave. "I love you Raz, always have, always will, but right now, I really don't like what you're becoming. I'm concerned. Just know that I'll always be there when you need me. Think about it though."
She turned to leave just as our orders came. She reached into her purse and paid for both then left me staring at two pink glasses.