Corny update ahead.
HMC's up to Ch.65 kbyez.
[Ch.53] Losing You
//Ayanna's Point of View
Pinagmasdan ko lang si Jiro habang ginagamot niya ang sugat ko matapos niyang linisin ang mga bubog ng nabasag na vase. Hindi siya umiimik. I wonder what was running inside his head
.
He hasn’t uttered any word since Ian left. Ni hindi nga niya ako tinatapunan ng tingin. Galit ba siya? Would he turn his back on me, too? Hindi ko na alam kung kakayanin ko. I was on the verge of losing everything, and I couldn't do something about it.
"Akala ko ba galit ka sa kaniya?" pagbasag niya sa katahimikan. His voice was so monotonous, so different from his usual self, making it difficult to know or at least have a clue on how he was feeling. Galit ba siya? Was he disappointed in me? I didn't know, and I was afraid to know. Tumayo siya sa harap ko.
"Why were you with him? Nagkabalikan na ba kayo?" usisa niya. "Akala ko ba galit ka sa kaniya?" he asked incredulously.
"Sinaktan ka niya at lahat-lahat pero patatawarin mo lang siya nang gano'n-gano'n lang? Aya... he hurt you!" Palipat-lipat ang tingin niya. He'd try to look at me, but he'd end up unstable and just look away. "Have you two gotten back together?" tanong niyang muli. Napatingin ako sa mata niya. Kahit pilit niyang itinatago ang emosiyon niya ay nakikita ko pa rin ang mga iyon. His expressive eyes. My window towards him.
"No." Iyon lang ang sagot ko sa kaniya. I didn't have much to say about that.
From the anticipating frightened look he had in his eyes, it turned into a ball of anger. Hinigit niya ang kamay ko. He held me tightly it hurts. "Then why were you with him? What did he tell you? Akala ko ba ayaw mo na sa kaniya? Akala ko ba galit ka sa kaniya?" He was shouting at me. Napakagat ako sa labi ko upang pigilan ang sarili ko. It was killing me seeing Jiro like this. He had been taking care of me for years... at ito ang iginanti ko sa kaniya. He had all the rights to get mad at me.
But I couldn't take it anymore.
"Hindi ako galit sa kaniya," I finally said. Tumayo ako sa harap niya. "Hindi ko kayang magalit sa kaniya, pero pinilit kong paniwalain ang sarili ko dahil mas madaling magpanggap na galit ako kaysa aminin ko sa sarili ko na miss na miss ko siya." Tears started blurring my vision. "Mas madaling itaboy siya no'ng lumapit siya sa akin kaysa aminin kong siya pa rin. Mas madaling magpanggap na ayaw ko na no'ng sinabi niyang babalik siya sa akin, kaysa aminin kong naghihintay pa rin ako. Mas madaling magpanggap na hindi ko siya pinakikinggan kaysa sa aminin kong pinakikinggan ko ang mga pangako niya... na naghihintay pa rin akong tuparin niya ang mga iyon." Tulo na nang tulo ang mga luha ko ngunit wala akong paki-alam.
"Kasi ang sakit sa pakiramdam, ang sakit dito," tinuro ko ang dibdib ko. "Sinaktan na ako't lahat-lahat, siya pa rin. Talong-talo ako. Dehadong-dehado. Kasi siya pa rin. Siya pa rin. Paolo pa rin." Jiro was just looking at me, his eyes round, dumbfounded. I just needed an outlet. 'Pag hindi ko pa inilabas ito ngayon ay baka hindi ko na kayanin pa.
"I was never mad at him. Kahit noong iniwan niya ako ay sarili ko pa rin ang sinisi ko. Saan ako nagkulang? Anong nagawa ko? I could never put the blame on him." I was shaking my head. "It was easier to pretend I was mad at him, Jiro. Mas madaling magpanggap na galit ako sa kaniya kaysa aminin sa sarili ko na hanggang ngayon... hanggang ngayon umaasa pa rin ako na babalik siya. Na babalikan niya talaga ako. Na totoo lahat ng pangako niya. Na ako pa rin. Na babalik siya."
"But you know what's the catch there?" Marahas kong pinunasan ang mga luha sa pinsgi ko. "Hindi siya nawala. Nariyan lang siya. Napagod lang siya sa akin. He didn't leave; he just gave up on me. Napagod lang siya." Nanghina ang tuhod ko at napasalampak ako sa sahig. My tears were running down my cheeks.
Nagulat ako nang bigla niya akong yakapin. Isiniksik niya ang mukha niya sa leeg ko. Just hate me, it would be easier that way. So I wouldn’t have to carry more guilt in my chest. So we’d be equal. Just hate me. "You don't have to wait for him. You don't have to wait anymore. Ako 'yung narito. Ako 'yung hindi mapapagod," bulong niya sa akin na siyang nagpalambot ng tuhod ko.
Bahagya niyang niluwagan ang pagkakaakap sa akin, tama lang upang makita ko ang mukha niya. Inalis niya ang mga hibla ng takas na buhok sa mukha ko. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for shouting at you. I'm sorry."
I didn't know how I was able to walk to get away from Ian's home. Hindi ko alam kung saan pa nanggaling iyong lakas ng tuhod ko. I felt so fragile. Pakiramdam ko ay anumang oras ay bibigay ako. Na ano mang oras ay hindi ko na lang kakayanin ang lahat.
Huminto ang sinasakyan naming taxi ni Jiro sa tapat ng bahay namin. He hasn’t uttered anything. Sinabi lang niya sa taxi driver ang address ko kanina at hindi na siya umimik pa. Inabot niya ang bayad sa taxi at lumabas ng sasakyan.
"Aya..." he said when we reached the patio near the garden. Umupo siya roon at umupo ako sa tabi niya at humarap sa kaniya. I knew I looked like a mess. Buti na lang at wala si mama ngayon dahil may inasikaso siya sa Cebu. Kung nandito siya at makita niya akong ganito ay hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin. I was sure she’d ask, and I wouldn’t know what to answer her.
"Ella's mad at me. Ian's mad at me—"
"I'm mad at you, too." Parang biglang tinarakan ang dibdib kong kanina pa durog na durog. I'm drowning. Drowning in pain.
"But this is nothing," he said, shaking his head. Nagulat ako nang abutin niya ang kamay ko. He rubbed the top of my hands. He held me so cautiously. Hinanap niya ang mga mata ko. "I like you." Nalaglag ang panga ko. It was the least, least thing I ever expected from him at this point in time. Kinagat niya ang labi niya at umiwas ng tingin.
"I love you," sabi niya na para bang itinama niya ang sarili niya. Tears started welling up my eyes. Hindi ko alam na may iiyak pa ako. I thought I was too drained to cry more. But I was wrong. Nabuhay na naman ang sakit sa dibdib kong nagawa kong ikubli.
"Don't do this, Jiro. Please." Iyon lang ang nasabi ko. I wanted him to stop. I wanted him to retract everything that he has said. Ayokong mapunta sa kung saan ito. I didn't want to lose him in any way possible. "No."
"Nalaman ko 'yung tungkol sa inyo si Paolo sa Bolinao," pagbabalewala niya sa pagpigil ko sa kaniya. Nalaglag ang panga ko. I wanted to speak up, but I didn't know what to say. Paano? Why didn't he tell me, then? "No'ng una, I found it really odd, preposterous even. Bakit mo naman ba kasi magugustuhan 'yung sarili mong pinsan, 'di ba?" Tinignan niya ako. "It started that way... until I got so curious about you." Huminga siya nang malalim. "And that curiosity branched into so much more."
Hinigpitan niya ang hawak sa kamay ko. "Give up on him. Sasaktan ka lang niya." I carefully met his gaze. Nanginginig ang titig niya sa akin. "I'd be patient on you. I'll wait 'til you're ready. Hihintayin kong makalimutan mo siya. I'd just stay by your side. Hindi ako mapapagod. Hindi ako aalis."
Walang lakas akong kumawala mula sa hawak niya. Pinunasan ko ang mga luha sa mata ko. "Hindi gano'n kadali 'yon, Jiro." Huminga ako nang malalim. "If that were the case, I wouldn't have ended up like this. You wouldn't have known me in Bolinao as Paolo's girlfriend. There wouldn't be anything like this at all." Inilahad ko ang palad ko sa ere. "Dahil kung gano'n lang 'yon kadali, trust me, Jiro. I would have suppressed it. I would have stopped even before I started loving him."
"Pe-pero," pagputol sa akin ni Jiro. "I'd heal all the wounds he left. I'd take the space he abandoned. I'd stay with you. I wouldn’t leave your side." I pressed my lips together, keeping myself together. I struggled to breathe. "I'll wait... 'til you stop loving him again."
I deliberately shook my head. Nanumbalik ang lahat ng ginawa ko kay Paolo. Memories of how I pushed Paolo away came rushing back to me— kung paano ko siya sinaktan, kung paano ko siya tinaboy. I was a jerk. Malamya akong tumingin kay Jiro ngunit matigas kong sabi, "I never stopped loving him."
Matagal ko nang itinatago 'to. I have always been repressing myself not to retort "I love you, too" to Paolo. I have always been holding back myself even if I wanted to hug him tightly. But I'm done putting up a resistance. I'm done pushing him away when I truly wanted to be on his side— holding his hand, kissing his lips, forgetting laws and boundaries.
I saw his jaw clenched. "Aya, he hurt you and he could do it again." Marami pa siyang sinabi ngunit hindi na iyon rumehistro sa utak ko.
There's nothing you could say to change my mind, my heart, Jiro.
"Sasaktan ka lang niya! He'd turn you into a wreck." He shook his head. "I wouldn't want to see you that way. Just... give up on him."
"How could you tell me to give up that one guy I love?" I asked, my tone accusing.
"Because I love you! Because I'm willing to wait for you!" Hinawakan niya ang magkabilang balikat ko. He looked at me straight in the eye. “I love you…”
And the next thing I knew, his soft lips touched mine. It was a kiss of years of kept emotions... bursting out now, encompassing my being, my reasons. Napapikit ako. It felt like a refuge, a safe haven. Pakiramdam ko ay walang kayang manakit sa akin noong mga oras na iyon. Na gaano man kasakit ang nangyari ay makababangon ako. Because someone cares about me. Someone would never leave me behind. And at one point, it was what I've only needed.
"Ayanna." Nabalik ako sa ulirat nang marinig ko ang boses na iyon. It wasn't Jiro's. Dahan-dahan kong nilingon kung saan nanggaling ang boses na iyon. That deep, low voice.
Paolo.
He was standing like a statue. Napako ang tingin niya sa amin ni Jiro. Bakas ang pagkagulat at galit sa kaniyang mukha. His fists were clenched. You messed up again, Aya. Big time.
"Paolo..." Iyon lang ang nasabi ko. Nakita ko na lang ang pagsugod sa amin ni Paolo.
Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at napaatras ako nang kinuwelyuhan niya si Jiro. Jiro was dumbfounded. "I told you to stop making things harder for her! I fucking told you to fucking wait, didn't I?" He was shouting. Nakikita ko na ang ugat sa may leeg niya. Napasapo ako sa bibig ko.
When I finally had the guts, I pushed Paolo away from Jiro. Ramdam ko ang init ng katawan ni Paolo. "Jiro, just leave. We'll talk some other time."
"Talk some other time?" Paolo gaped at me. Sinenyasan ko si Jiro na umalis na at hindi na rin naman siya nagmatigas. He carefully exited when Paolo's attention was all on me.
"Aya." Ang tono niya'y nananaway. "Aya..." It was as though he was finding the words to say, carefully keeping himself together. Binitiwan ko ang pagkakahawak ko sa braso niya.
I looked at him, his lips trembling. "Kalilimutan ko 'yon... Aya, kaya kong kalimutan 'yong nakita ko... Just tell me." Nalaglag ang panga. I expected him to be mad at me. But now I was seeing him hurting. Iyong mga mata niyang namumula, ang labi niyang nanginginig. I did this to him. “Just tell me I didn’t lose you.”
"Aya..." his voice was pleading, pleading for me to accept him, pleading for me to speak up. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. So many things had happened today. Napakaraming kumprontasiyon. My chest felt so heavy. Hindi ko na alam kung kakayanin ko pa. I've been stabbed too deep I didn't know if I'll ever recover.
"Paolo," I called his name. Tinignan niya ako sa mata. "I don't think I could handle anything like this today. Give me time. Give me space."
"Nagdadalawang-isip ka na?" he asked, his eyes etched with fright. "Aya... please. I'll make things better, just... hold on. Please."
Wala sa sarili akong tumango. "Yeah, things could be better," sabi ko ngunit hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pang paniwalaan ang sarili ko. Could things really get better after all these that had happened? I've lost my friends. Paano kung pati sina mama ay malaman 'yong nangyari? How could I ever afford losing everything? My friends, my family... my everything.
"I'm sorry, Pao," sabi ko. "Just give me time."
Noong Linggo ay nagkulong lang ako sa kwarto ko. I didn't do anything. Nahiga lang ako sa kama ko, pinagmamasdan 'yong bawat tuldok sa dingding ko. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I was a wreck.
Nang Lunes na ay wala akong choice kung hindi ang pumasok. Mas mabuti na iyong may ginagawa ako upang hindi ko maisip 'yong mga nangyari. But one thing I feared was meeting them inside the University. What if they'd tell everyone my secret? Paano kung malaman iyon ng admin at hindi maka-graduate si Paolo? It was a Catholic University for Pete's sake! Hindi ko na lang alam kung ano ang magagawa ko sa kanila 'pag nangyari 'yon.
Pinagmasdan ko ang mukha ko sa salamin bago ako umalis. My eyes were fluffy and red from crying. I was a walking piece of mess.
I attended my classes but my mind was somewhere else, flowing into the void. Kanina pa ako kinakausap ni Charm ngunit hindi marehistro sa utak ko ang mga sinasabi niya. I should keep myself together, paalala ko sa sarili ko.
Umayos ako nang pagkaka-upo at sinubukang intindihin siya.
Nang break ko na ay hindi ko na alam kung saan ako pupunta. Hindi ako pwedeng magstay sa university garden dahil malamang ay nandoon sila. I couldn't face them now. Ni hindi ko nga alam kung gugustuhin pa nila akong makita kailanman.
Paakyat na sana ako sa library nang maramdaman kong nagvibrate ang cellphone ko na nasa bulsa ko. I fished my phone out of my pocket.
Jiro: Where are you?
Napahawak ako sa labi ko nang mabasa ko ang text na iyon ni Jiro. Bakit ba lagi na lang ganito?
I like Jiro. I know I do. Narealize ko iyon no'ng sinabi iyon sa akin ni Paolo. And I knew it too that Jiro was the best choice. Jiro was the perfect catch—matalino, may itsura, masipag, mabait, maalaga. He had it all. But one thing I've learned last night? Just because a person is a perfect catch doesn’t mean he is your perfect match.
If I were smarter, a little less dumb, I would have chosen him. I would have chosen this guy who could put up with me and never leave my side. This guy who's been patient in me for years. This guy who I knew could save me.
But I ain't smarter. I ain't a victim to be saved.
Napagdesisyunan kong magpatuloy na lang sa library nang may marahas na humigit sa braso ko. Nilingon ko iyon at nakita ko si Ella na nakatingin sa akin. Her hand was grasping my arm so tightly it hurts.
"Hindi ka man lang magpapaliwanag?" she asked, her voice flat.
You couldn't play damsel in distress forever, Aya.
"Bakit pa?" lakas-loob kong sinabi sa kaniya kahit ang totoo ay gusto ko na lang sumalampak sa sahig at takpan ang mga tenga ko. I didn't want to hear her voice anymore, because it just made every painful thing she told me to replay inside my head. And it fucking hurts. "Bakit ko pa i-eexplain sa'yo eh mukhang nakagawa ka na naman ng assumptions mo? E-effort pa ba ako?"
Binitiwan niya ang braso ko. "So this is the real you?" sabi niya sabay lahad ng palad niya sa ere, condemning me.
"Mikaella." Her whole name felt so foreign in my tongue. "I don't want to make a scene here."
Nagulat na lang ako nang bigla niya akong kaladkarin. I lost all the energy to protest. The next thing I knew ay nasa isa sa mga discussion room na kami ng library.
Tinignan lang niya ako nang maisara na niya ang pinto. The way she looks at me was killing me... it was as though I was a piece of trash. Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko. My wounds were too flesh to bleed again. Walang gana akong umupo sa isa sa mga upuan doon.
"I loved him," I said. Umiling ako. "No, I love him," I corrected myself.
"Mali 'yan! Alam mong mali 'yan! Stop these, Aya! Alang-alang na lang sa pinagsamahan natin, pakinggan mo ako!" she said, anger painted all over her face. Natakot ako sa kung ano ang kaya niyang gawin. I knew what she was feeling and I understood her for feeling that way. She felt like I'm a walking piece of fraud and pretensions. She felt like I betrayed her. She felt like she has spent so many years with some worthless trash. But the most frightening thing was... maybe she was right.
"Kung gano'n lang 'yon kadali, trust me, it would have ended long ago. It would have not even started," I told her, repeating what I told Jiro. It was the truth. Hindi ko piniling mahalin si Paolo. It just happened. Nabalik na lang ako sa ulirat ko nang lunod na lunod na ako. No'ng hindi ko na kayang umahon pa.
"You can't love your cousin that way!" She was just repeating what she has told the other day. Same sentiments, same judgment.
"Aya, bakit?" she whispered. Nakayuko lang siya. Probably too disgusted to look at me. "This isn't you... this isn't my best friend. This isn't my bes."
"You told me the other day that I'm not your best friend. Na 'wag na ulit kita tatawaging 'bes.'" Ngumiti ako nang mapait. I tilted my head, "Do you know why I couldn't meet up with Liz?"
"Because you disgust her like I disgust you!" sinabi niya. I feigned a laugh. She didn't know a thing. Kung magpapatuloy siya sa pagsumbat at pagsisi sa akin ay hindi ko na palalampasin 'yon. We had issues. We always had issues, but she never knew. Because she never paid enough attention on me.
"No." I deliberately shook my head. "It's because I hate her and envy her at the same time." Nakita ko ang pag-angat ng mukha ni Ella. She looked at me in disbelief, but I decided to go on.
"Galit ako sa kanya dahil iniwan niya tayo— ako sa ere. She disappeared when I needed her most." Naramdaman kong tumulo ang luha ko. "Iyon 'yung panahong iniwan ako ni Paolo, Ella." Nalaglag ang panga niya. "He gave up on me. Pagod na raw siya. Ang sakit no'n. Masakit na kayang-kaya kang bitiwan ng taong kaya mong ipaglaban." Tinignan ko siya. Nakakunot ang noo niya. "Kung iniisip mo na nagawa kong lahat iyon dahil lang gusto ko... This is the only thing I could tell you and you might not believe me at all, but Ella, I'm better than that."
"When we heard about the news that Liz is pregnant... do you remember that?" tanong ko ngunit hindi ko hinintay ang sagot niya. "Sabi mo pa na kahit hindi mo nakikita si Liz o nakakausap ay alam mong hindi siya okay... kaya kailangan natin siyang puntahan. Para may kasama siya. Para hindi siya mag-isa." I let out a small smile. "You said you went to her, that you just stayed by her side. Ni hindi mo nga kamo tinanong kung ano ang nangyari o kung sino ang ama ng bata." I
I looked at her straight in the eye. "You just stayed by her side... and that was what I needed most, Ella. Someone to stay by my side. Someone who'd accept me with my shattered past… my tarnished self."
Huminga ako nang malalim. "Iniwan ako ni Liz. Iyon ang pakiramdam ko. Iniwan din ako ni Paolo nang hindi man lang ako binibigyan nang kungkretong paliwanag. Pakiramdam ko lahat ng tao iiwan na lang ako, Ella. And it hurts so much." I held my chest, stabilizing myself. "Ang sakit-sakit."
"I-I was there—" apila niya ngunit pinutol ko siya.
"Yes, Ella, you were there!" I was shouting at her. Gusto mong magsumbatan?
Napatayo ako sa kinauupuan ko. "You have always been there! And you know what? That's what hurts me most! That you were there and yet you didn't know a thing! You were there and yet you didn't know something was wrong with me!" Tinuro-turo ko siya. Kinagat ko ang labi ko. "Because you never noticed, because you never seemed to care," I whispered.
Tumayo siya at umambang hahawakan ang braso ko ngunit iniwasan ko iyon. I run away from her.
You think you never knew me, Ella, you think you never had a best friend. And it hurts you. But didn't you understand how hard it was to lose myself? How I put up a fight with my heart? I lost myself, Ella, and I lost her the same way I lost you.
Natagpuan ko na lang ang sarili ko sa orphanage na dati naming binibisita noong high school pa kami. I didn't know why I chose this place. Siguro dahil ay gusto ko lang alalahanin iyong nakaraan. Noong okay pa kaming magkakaibigan. Noong maayos pa ang lahat. I wanted to escape, but I didn’t know where to go. Because I was afraid… Afraid to leave things behind; afraid that I might really be capable of escaping and never coming back.
Papasok na sana ako upang hanapin si JJ. Kay tagal ko na kasing hindi nakikita iyong batang iyon... ngunit may tumawag sa pangalan ko.
"Aya?" she said. She tilted her head as if inspecting if it was really me. Nakita ko ang pagkunot ng noo niya at kasunod noon ang maliit na nginiting umagpas mula sa labi niya. For a moment I thought her eyes twinkled when she saw me.
Napako ang paa ko sa sahig.
I looked at her, because it was the only thing that I could do. Nakasarong siyang floral at step-in. Malaki na rin ang tiyan niya at kitang-kita na ang umbok nito dahil empress cut ang sarong niya. Ang brown niyang buhok ay nakaladlad sa kaniyang dibdib. She was still that beautiful, simple girl I knew.
She rushed towards me and hugged me. Her arms clung on my nape.
"She told me what had happened... She told me about you," she whispered. “Are you okay?” Kusang tumulo ang mga luha ko. She sounded so sincere, so caring. Nanginig ang kamay ko.
Noong una ay takot akong yakapin siya pabalik dahil baka maipit ko ang tiyan niya.
But she was there, holding on to me. As if she didn't know what I have done. As if she didn't know how immoral I have become. And carefully, I wrapped my arms to her back.
"Liz."