After the happy couple returns from their honeymoon, it is always Brandon who drops Willow off and picks her up from my place. I let him do this, because he offers to and it saves me a trip. And maybe, just maybe, because I am avoiding Rose.
No, I'm not. Not really. I'm just... taking the least difficult path, for awhile. In hopes that when I do see her, nothing will have changed. But I'm afraid that is too much to ask for.
I had a moment of weakness, that day at the wedding. I let my mask slip. And, worse, I let Rose see it. And now... now I don't know what to do. I don't know if anything I can say will fix it. So I avoid her, until I can't anymore.
December. Almost six months exactly since the wedding. Celia is still in America; her sister is very close to death. Celia. My girlfriend. Who I was- who I am going to propose to. Celia. Who I love. Yes, I do, I love her. Maybe not with every corner of my soul, but still. I love her. I have never lied to her; she knows that a piece of my heart will always belong to Rose. She loves me in spite of that, and I really do believe we will be happy. I wish she was here with me; I wish we could spend the holidays in that glorious trance that lovers so often do. But she will not be with me for Christmas.
The Fawleys - I still have trouble thinking of Rose as anything other than a Weasley, but I've adapted, I suppose - hear from Willow that I am planning to spend the holiday alone, and decide that they absolutely will not allow it. I receive an invitation, verbally relayed by Brandon when he picks up Willow one evening, to spend Christmas day with them.
I cordially decline. I say it is their first Christmas together as husband and wife; I wouldn't dream of intruding. Brandon laughs this off; reminds me they have spent Christmases together before and this one is no different. Willow pleads with me to accept. Still, I refuse, telling them I may go to stay with my father. They leave, disappointed.
I watch them go, wishing I had said yes, but knowing that it was unthinkable. Not because of the reasons I'd stated, but at the same time also very much because of them. Brandon and Rose. Husband and Wife. Willow. More their daughter than mine. I would only be an unwanted addition to that family. I don't need to go there to know it. Things are not the same, though Brandon would have me think they are. Things will never, ever be the same.
So I have just made up my mind to go stay at the Manor, where my father is living with no one but the house elves, when an owl lands on my windowsill. I don't recognize it, but slide open the window and let it in. I take the letter it carries, then let the animal go. It couldn't be anything urgent, and even if it is, I've got my own owl.
I tear open the envelope, and find a neatly folded sheet of delicate notepaper, the kind of stuff my mother adored. I catch a whiff of fragrance, and freeze, because I recognize the scent - it is the scent of Rose. My hands suddenly feel clammy, and I wonder if she has decided she must confront me about the truth. I unfold the sheet slowly, uncertainly. It reads as follows:
Scorpius,
Brandon and Willow have related your reasons for declining to join us for Christmas, and I find them decidedly lackluster attempts at escaping. If it is uncertainty about Brandon's liking for you that keeps you away, I beg you to put it out of your mind. He likes you more than he lets on. If there is, as I suspect, another thing hindering you, I ask you as a dear friend not to worry yourself over nothing. We would very much like to have you here with us, and unless you respond with an absolute negative there will be a place for you at our table on the 25th. Please consider it, Scorpius. For me.
Sincerely,
Rose Fawley
I let out a sigh, depositing the letter on my desk. I don't quite know what to make of it. The tone isn't annoyed; really it's almost teasing. It's not an order; there's no threat. It is, to all appearances, an upfront and honest request. But she's sending such mixed signals... the plea 'as a dear friend'; the way she says 'for me'; these things breathe familiarity. But the overall wording is formal, concluded with 'sincerely' rather than something more personal and signed with her married name rather than just 'Rose.' What is she trying to do?
It would be rude to say no, after she's taken the trouble to write about it. Right? I can't just send back a terse line or two, declining the invitation a second time. She would be offended. Well, maybe not, but it goes against every social ideal my mother had taught me to turn her down. But... can I really do it? Can I go, and have a good time, and forget that she probably knows more than I wanted her to know? Can I sit through a meal with them without anxiety eating away at me?
The idea terrifies me, but I know I have to go. If I don't... I think this is it. If I talk my way out of this, I don't think there's a chance of things going back to normal. I have to go. I have to get over this irrational fear of being found out. If I don't, it will destroy me.
• • •
Setting the bag of gifts down on the mostly dry front porch of Rose and Brandon's house, I ring the doorbell. I hear it reverberate within the house, then someone's muffled voice calling out and another voice responding, then a patter of footsteps. I shift nervously on the feet, waiting for someone to come, pulling my coat tighter around me in the frigid winter air.
The door flies open and Willow beams up at me, her blue eyes sparkling. "Dad!"
I laugh at my daughter, who never fails to astound me with her bubbly joy. "Hey, you. I brought you something." I pick up the bag and wave it in front of her, and she tries to grab it, but I pull it back. "Not now, you silly girl. Have some patience." I tug on her blonde braid teasingly.
Willow sticks out her lower lip in a fake pout. "Oh, fine. Come on, the food's almost ready." She waves me inside, and I follow obediently.
The smells of a hundred delicious things waft through the air as I drop the bag in the hall and head for the kitchen on Willow's heels. Rose is at the stove, stirring something in a big pot. Hair gathered up in a bun with wisps of it plastered to her forehead by the steam, wearing a flowered apron, she could be a housewife out of a storybook. She smiles at me. "Scorpius, I'm so glad you could come. Happy Christmas!"
"Yeah, you too. I'm glad to be here," I say, because it seems like the right response.
"Scorpius!" The deep voice of Brandon, from behind me. I turn to face him, plastering on a cordial smile.
"Brandon," I greet him, reaching out to shake his hand. "Thanks for having me."
He grins. "Of course! My wife and Willow made a very convincing case." He strides over to Rose, wrapping an arm around her waist and planting his chin on her shoulder. "Hey, how's it going?"
Rose groans. "You're going to make me mess this-" He spins her around, making her squeal, and kisses her.
"What was that?" he laughs.
"Brandon," she sighs, but she's fighting a smile.
I feel a sudden pang of regret, watching them be so completely in love. That could have been me. If I had stayed. If I had fought for her. But I didn't, and now... now what?
"Hey, Dad, do you wanna see the stuff I got?"
I smile at my daughter, glad of the distraction. "Sure, show me."
Willow takes me up to her room, and displays a wide assortment of knick-knacks, art supplies, and other things. When I think she's done, I start to rise from my seat on the floor, but her eyes widen. "Wait! I haven't shown you the best thing yet!"
I watch her reach up to the top of her dresser, grab something, and hold it up for me to see. It's something on a chain... My breath catches when I realize what it is.
"Mom said you gave it to her a long time ago, before I was born."
I nod slowly, watching the shining locket swing back and forth on the chain. "It was your grandmother's," I manage, not sure that I'll be able to keep from choking up. I always figured she'd gotten rid of the thing after we parted ways... Never once did I think she still had it. But she did. She kept it all these years. To give to our daughter.
"Will you help me put it on?" Willow asks, completely oblivious to the emotions raging in my head. "I couldn't get the clasp."
Swallowing, I manage a hoarse, "Yes," and take the locket from her. She turns to face away from me, and as I drape it around her neck I feel a tear fall onto my cheek. I clasp the chain and let it go, lifting my hand to swipe away the evidence of my delicate emotional state before she has time to turn around and see.
Below, Rose is calling for us, announcing that the meal is served. I ruffle my daughter's hair and move towards the door. "Come on, let's not keep your mum waiting."
• • •
We've almost finished eating when Willow turns to Brandon and says, "When are we going to Ruby's?"
Brandon shrugs. "Whenever. The party starts at nine, but everyone will likely be late."
Rose turns to me in explanation. "Brandon has a friend from work who's throwing a big party tonight. He's got a daughter around Willow's age, and I promised her she could go. Brandon's going to take her later; you're welcome to go, but if you'd rather not we can hang around and chat. You know, reminisce about the good old days and things of that sort. As one does on Christmas."
I frown. "I don't want to impose. You can all go to the party; I'll just turn in early." I don't know if time alone with Rose is precisely what I want or need at the moment.
She smiles, the same soft smile that I have adored since I was hardly a teenager. "You're not imposing at all. Besides, I don't really want to go. Everyone will be drinking, and I..." she trails off, shooting Brandon a look that he returns, grinning. This is some secret between them that I am not privy to, but I don't have time to wonder about it because Rose returns her attention to me. "Anyways, there's such a nice fire in the living room, it would be a pity to waste it. We can toast marshmallows..."
Damn the girl. She's playing to my weaknesses. "I really don't want to be a bother," I sigh, looking away from her.
"Oh, don't even try," Rose laughs. "Just say yes."
"Alright," I say, still hesitant but realizing I might as well just go with it. I glance over at Brandon, and find him curiously absorbed in the remains of the apple pie on his plate. I guess he's a little miffed at the thought of me spending the evening with his wife. Oh, well. He'll get over it.
Glancing at the clock, I see that it's already ten 'til nine. They'll be leaving before too long. I wonder if I can really do this... It's not like the two of us haven't hung out alone in the past ten years; we've done it plenty of times. But this feels different, because my secret is out in the open. Who knows where a conversation may lead?
Brandon and Willow are out the door at a quarter after nine, and Rose shuts it firmly behind them before turning to me with a grin. "Shall I fetch the promised marshmallows?"
In all honesty, I'm not sure if I'll be able to eat them. My hands feel sticky with sweat and my stomach is uneasy. But I say, "Yes, do," and smile at her because what choice is there?
"Excellent; Just head into the living room and I'll meet you there."
So I go into the spacious, comfortably-furnished room and force myself to sit down on the sofa next to the fireplace, because pacing would be a dead giveaway of my nervous state and I simply cannot be such an obvious mess.
"Do you want wine? It's some expensive Chardonnay; Hugo sent it yesterday."
I glance back at Rose, who's standing at the table against the back wall, wine bottle and glass in hand. "You're sure you don't want to save it? For something more important?"
She waves a hand at me. "Oh, don't be silly, you're plenty important. Besides, we're liable to put it somewhere and never find it again."
"Alright, I'll take some," I say with a chuckle. Actually talking to her isn't nearly so bad as the thought of it.
A few moments later, she hands me a glass of the stuff, then sits down next to me with a bag of marshmallows, depositing the toasting sticks on the floor between us. I notice she doesn't have a glass.
"No wine for you?" I ask, mildly curious.
Rose gets a look on her face, like she knows a secret, then says, "Yes, well, actually nobody knows yet except Brandon but... I'm pregnant."
Once again, that pang. The thought that it could have been me instead of Brandon. But I don't let it show. I try my best for an authentic grin, and find it easier than I'd thought. "That's amazing, Rose. Congratulations. How far along are you?"
"Two and a half months," she says, drawing her hand to her stomach with a gentle smile. "I'll be showing before we know it."
"Merlin, I'm so happy for you," I say, and I mean it. "For all of you."
Rose tilts her head at me, silent for a moment, then: "You know, somehow I believe you really are. Even when..." She trails off, shaking her head.
I frown. I have a feeling I know the unspoken ending of that sentence, and it worries me. "Rose-"
"Scorpius-"
We look at each other awkwardly, embarrassed to have spoken at the same time. "You go," I say, before the pause gets too long.
She stares at me for a long moment, looks down, and nods. "Look, there's no use pretending, is there? That I don't know... how you feel. And I think you know that I know, and that's why you've been avoiding me. But you shouldn't have to-"
"I haven't been avoiding you," I cut in, lamely. "I just-"
"Bullshit. I know you have. I just don't want you to feel like you need to. I'm not angry with you. I just... I wish I'd known. Why didn't you tell me?"
I study her face for a moment, uncertain of my answer. She seems earnestlt curious, nothing more. "I-" I falter, looking away. "I couldn't have told you. You wouldn't have wanted me to tell you."
"What do you mean? Of course I would have."
"No... I wouldn't have done that to you for anything. It's embarrassing that you know now, but if you'd known before... it would have been unbearable for me."
"That's not much of an answer. Unbearable why?"
I feel like I'm being attacked. Not that she's really aggressive in her questioning, but... she can't comprehend why I've kept it from her for so long. I don't want to defend my actions, but I have to all the same. Because she thinks it was wrong to keep such a secret.
"I- It was for your own good, Rose. I didn't want you to... I don't know... to feel like you owed me anything. I didn't want to be a weight on your shoulders, always dragging you down. I wanted you to live your life; I wanted you to be happy. Because as long as you were happy, I wouldn't care about me." Finally, I look back at her, and see to my dismay that there are tears in her eyes. "Don't," I plead. I'm not worth crying over.
"What, you think I can sit here and listen to how you talked yourself out of being honest me and act like I don't care?" she chokes out. "Merlin, Scorpius... won't I ever be able to convince you that you mean something to me? Just because I'm not in love with you doesn't mean I don't love you with all of my heart. You could never be a burden; you're so much more than that... I-"
"Please don't," I whisper, just loud enough for her to hear.
She stops, frowning at me. "What?"
"It's not that I don't appreciate what you're saying, but-" my voice breaks. "It's been hard enough for me, being here tonight, watching you and Brandon be so beautifully, completely in love. Hearing you talk like that... it doesn't help much. I'm sorry."
Rose's expression softens. "I understand." Then, after a moment's pause, "You and Celia..."
I shrug, not sure exactly what to say. "I love her, Rose. That's not a lie. But..."
"But a part of you has never let us go?"
I nod, slowly. She said that in the strangest tone. Almost like she felt the words, in some mysterious way. I stare into her eyes, and they're still glistening with tears, and I'm suddenly too aware of how close we're sitting to each other.
It would be so easy right now, to lean forward and close the space between our lips. I want to do it. I almost do. But then I remember that she is married, and I would die before I would do anything that might label Rose as unfaithful. Maybe she would forgive me for it, but I would never be able to forgive myself.
I tear my eyes away from the gentle face that haunts my dreams, and stand up quickly. "I should go," I say, in a slightly hoarse voice.
"You don't have to-"
"I know. But all the same, I should." I set my glass down and am already pulling my coat on when she catches my arm.
"Scorpius. Please stay."
Hesitantly, I allow my eyes to return to her face, delicate and earnest and sad. My decision is already made. "I thought I could do this, but I... I don't think I can." Before she can protest this, I continue, "Thank you for dinner. It was delicious. I... I'll see you around."
I've got the coat on and am halfway out the door when Rose says my name again. I look back at her, and see the gently chastising look on her face. She sees through me more than I realize, because the next thing she says is, "You're not coming back, are you?"
She says it in that voice, the one that says I'm hurting her, the one that makes me want to run back to her and sweep her up in my arms and deny the accusation. But I only shake my head slightly, not meeting her eyes. "Not for awhile. I... I think I'll go to America. It'll be good for... for me to get away."
Rose nods, as if she'd expected this, but the look she wears is regretful. "Yes... Yes. I suppose that's best." Then, "You won't leave without saying goodbye to Willow, will you?"
I swallow, hard. "I- I've got to leave now, or I won't be able to make myself go. She'll understand. Tell her I'm sorry."
The girl I have loved for so many years steps close to me, and cups my cheek in her hand. "Don't stay away too long, Scorpius."
I'm not going to make a promise I might not be able to keep, so I just say, "We'll see." I take her hand in mine, bring it up to my lips, and kiss it softly. Then I let it go - let her go - and walk out the door.
~ the end ~
Dang. A whole story in ten months... Over 20K reads... I'm so so grateful to everyone who's read and commented on this!! You guys keep me going ❤️. Sorry if you didn't like the ending... I could never really picture them staying together.
Remember, if you want more content related to this story, my Lily Potter story (things i'll never say) is accessible from this link - https://my.w.tt/tcFlB9PHC6 - or through my profile!! I should be able to update it a bit more often than I've been updating this, now that school's almost out. Rose, Scorpius, and Willow are sure to make some appearances :)