Chapter 34.
King as a subject.
Seon-woo, Ji-dwi, Soo-ho, Ban-ryu, Sa-do and Ah-ro had been summoned to the palace as the Queen Dowager wanted to thank them for their services and contributions during the peace-making negotiations in South Buyeo. But obviously, that was a ruse as Queen Ji-so only wanted to speak to Seon-woo. Ah-ro was getting restless as more time passed without Seon-woo's return.
Ji-dwi made an excuse to go to the outhouse and Sa-do almost stopped him but restrained herself. The palace was Ji-dwi's home. And he surely wouldn't do anything stupid and reveal himself with other Hwarang members present, she reasoned with herself. She also reminded herself that Ji-dwi hated her now so interfering in his life was probably not her smartest idea, no matter how worried she got.
Eventually, the others were sent home without Seon-woo. He couldn't face them. He didn't have the courage to look at Ah-ro after knowing the Queen was planning to make her a Won Hwa. He had unleashed some of his anger back in Baekje while fighting against Prince Chang and he had felt better. Not completely healed and over it but better. And now he was back to square one.
Seon-woo felt miserable. He had taken on Mak-moon's name and life to protect his sister and father and to honor his best friend in some way. Now he was meant to take on Ji-dwi's name and life. And for what? To act as bait? For a petty fight between the royal family and the council? It was all too ludicrous but if he didn't then Ah-ro would die and maybe Doctor Ahn-ji Gong too.
Seon-woo was sick of being a pawn in the Queen's game. He was tired, physically and emotionally, of the way she toyed with him and her subjects like they weren't even human beings.
While he was still reeling from the Queen's orders, he was approached by a man with a limp, who identified himself as Hwi-gyeong. He said that he would make Seon-woo the real King if he wanted. After all, the people loved him best. But how can a half-Cheonin become a King? That wasn't even his real identity. He himself, didn't know who he was. Seon-woo wasn't sure what game Hwi-gyeong was playing at.
That night Seon-woo couldn't sleep. And it was that night he became aware of two facts. One was that Ji-dwi did not sleep either and the Hwarang was usually faking his slumber. The other was that Sa-do cried at night. Of course, she was quiet about it, but her soft sniffles were not lost in the otherwise silent room where she imagined the others were sound asleep.
...
The next day, Seon-woo saw Ji-dwi standing alone, overlooking the courtyard. It was their day off and normally he went home with Ah-ro but he couldn't go toady. He knew Sa-do had stayed back too and he was sure she was cooped up in the library, probably hiding from Ji-dwi.
He stepped up next to the other Hwarang, trying to appear casual rather than like his world was collapsing in on itself. Was Ji-dwi familiar to this roiling, coiling tension in his gut, wary of everything all the time?
"I am more handsome than you thought, right? For a King?" Seon-woo jolted, surprised that Ji-dwi would actually come out and say it. The King. Ji-dwi was the King. "Everyone is saying that you are the King, but I figured that you are the only one who still thinks I am the King."
But still he had said it. He had admitted it himself. But instead of feeling angry like he had expected, Seon-woo felt wary. He felt... afraid? This was a title, a tabooed secret, that could end many lives. "Did you live like this all your life?" he asked in an earnest, unguarded tone.
Ji-dwi's head snapped in his direction, startled by the forward and blunt question.
"The King," Seon-woo amended, to put the other man at some sort of ease. "Worrying if someone will harm him or if the people around him will get hurt. So anxious that he can't fall asleep," he glanced at Ji-dwi for a moment, "I feel that way."
Ji-dwi turned back to the courtyard, unable to meet his gaze and remarked, almost defensively, "that must not be all."
"Would he be thinking about how he can turn the world upside down? Can only the King live comfortably? Would he think those things as well?" Seon-woo tried to make it a joke but his heart was too heavy for it. But talking to Ji-dwi was helping, as strained as it was. It was like letting out the things that weighed his heart. It was almost like talking to Mak-moon about every big or little trouble he had.
Ji-dwi let out a soft bitter noise. "There is no way a King who has never been treated like one would think that way."
A King that was never treated like a King? Yes, the Queen probably treated him too, like another chess piece. Seon-woo knew Ji-dwi was bitter about the situation she had put him in and the way she ruled the kingdom. But would Ji-dwi be a better King? Could Seon-woo trust his friend to that much of an extent? "That King knows how the subjects feel?" he tested.
"It's not that he knows the subjects," Ji-dwi answered diplomatically, "he must have lived like one."
A King who lived as one of the subjects. Seon-woo was reminded of Hwi-gyeong's proposition to make him King. That man and the Queen were playing the same game from opposite sides. The only difference was Hwi-gyeong's side had not cost any lives, as far as Seon-woo knew of, at least.
Feeling cornered again, Seon-woo snapped in rage, "I heard that the King, who is like a subject, kills anyone who sees his face." It was silly. Seon-woo no longer blamed Ji-dwi. But in a moment of uncontrolled anger, the words had slipped out.
Ji-dwi looked him in the eyes for the first time through their entire conversation. "Yes." His voice was a quiet whisper in the wind and he sounded like he was holding back tears. "He probably does. Whether he found out later, there must have been times when people didn't know and passed by him. But overall, he probably didn't know that people died because of him."
The raw emotion Ji-dwi was displaying made Seon-woo regret letting his temper flare for even that one second.
"He is stupid, foolish and he doesn't have the strength," Ji-dwi stopped berating himself to swallow heavily, "to tell them to stop the killings."
"Then what can the King do? Can he change the world? Why does he still have to be alive? I said, why does he still have to be alive?"
The last question, Seon-woo realized, was directed to him not Ji-dwi. He didn't know why he had to be the one to survive. Mak-moon was dead while he lived. And what good had come of him being spared? He had protected Ah-ro a few times, to his level best, and even Sa-do and Ji-dwi probably, back in Baekje. But each save was yet another move dictated by yet another person. What was the point? Why did Seon-woo have to survive?
"Do you want to kill him?" Ji-dwi asked, knocking Seon-woo from his thoughts. His gaze was hard, but his eyes were resigned as he said, "then kill him."
Seon-woo's eyes widened as he realized they had been talking about the King not himself and his own life problems. Was this Ji-dwi's request? To die? Two weeks back, he would have granted him his last wish but after everything that had happened and the more he got to know how vulnerable his friend really was, the thought of even hurting him was hard to bear.
His silence clearly bothered Ji-dwi as he let out a bitter defeated sigh and lowered his gaze. The King lowered his gaze to a peasant. Seon-woo was struck speechless and he watched as Ji-dwi walked away alone.
And then it clicked. Ji-dwi's strange behavior regarding Sa-do. It was the same thing he had done a while back with Ah-ro and he was sure that it was for the same reason too. Ji-dwi was trying to protect Sa-do. From himself. And all the tumultuous storm that surrounded his life. He was trying to keep her sheltered from the risk of getting hurt because of him. Which meant Ji-dwi...loved Sa-do?