↠Slight spoiler warning for Sanemi's family!!!
↠Soulmate AU
↠Modern AU
↠Fluff
↠Angst
↠Mentions of suicide and self-harm
↠Fem Reader
Word Count - 4871
Cordolium - Published 5/26/20
Cordolium: Heartache; heartfelt sorrow
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The television buzzed in the dark living room, static flashing along the white screen as it screeched loudly throughout the empty apartment. With the room askew, pillows and blankets tossed to the floor in disarray, a light flickered to life on the cluttered coffee table. Surrounded by piles of stained paperwork, an unidentified dark drink spilled over its contents, a phone buzzed, multiple notifications flashing onto the screen to alert whoever glanced at it.
Text messages, all from the same person.
The loud noises that emitted from the television flitted down the empty hallway, sneaking its way into every small nook and cranny, reaching the lighted bathroom as it echoed off the tiled floor. Despite the bouncing feedback, the bathroom was silent. Discarded clothes were left in a messy pile at the door, a fluffy towel resting on top of the empty sink.
Each small plip of a droplet from the bathtub faucet rang through the room, creating growing ripples in the clear and calm water. A figure was submerged underneath the watery surface, arms curled around its bare legs, eyes scrunched closed and darkened hair floating in the still void. Droplet after droplet sank into the water after each passing second, a rhythmic pattern, and despite being underwater, it sounded so deafeningly loud with each distorted collision upon the surface.
Plip
Plip
Plip
Lungs burning for air, you made the mistake of gasping, water filling your throat as you lurched up to a sit. Your hands reached your neck in desperation, sputtering for a single breath as the water invaded your chest. Your eyes stung with fresh tears, coughing with each inhale as the suffocating sensation slowly left. A shaky breath wracked your lungs, leaning against the edge of the tub, clutching at your thundering chest.
'Drowning is a no.'
Your eyes glanced at the ticking watch that was placed on the floor beside you, picking it up and studying over the moving hands.
One minute thirteen seconds.
As the drain plug was pulled, you watched the liquid swirl down the drain, remaining seated until it was long gone from your watery grave. You stood, and made quick work of drying off and getting dressed.
When you approached the messy living room, you sighed, clicking the raging television off before retrieving your buzzing phone. Unlocking the screen to see a mirage of messages, your tired figure clicked the green button as a dial tone rang in your ear. Before the second ring could come, the receiver clicked, notifying you that they picked up.
"Sorry I didn't see your messages. I was busy."
●○●
"-and he just fucking jumped the fence despite me telling him to stop! I swear that little shit is going to be the death of me."
Your unblinking eyes never left his, lost in an empty trance as his lips continued to ramble on. Your tired mind couldn't comprehend what he was saying.
"Oi, are you even listening to me?"
Slowly blinking yourself from the little trance, your hands gripped at your boba, raising the plastic cup to your lips as you gulped down a long sip.
"Sorry, just a bit tired."
The man across from you gave a small grimace, before taking a sip of his own drink. You had promised to meet up with Sanemi today, especially since it was his one day off of work in such a long time. He had wanted to exchange words over lunch, and here were the both of you, sitting quite awkwardly in the small café you chose.
You had arrived first, taking a seat near the large window as your eyes watched every person pass by, waiting for your childhood friend to arrive. When you caught a glimpse of his snowy hair bouncing through the crowd, you waited for him to enter, waving him over to the table once you heard the light chime of the entrance door opening. It had been a few minutes since then, and after exchanging greetings the conversation was light, as usual.
Your legs swung as you sat on the tall stool, your feet barely skimming the ground as the action made you feel somewhat childish. Sanemi was much taller than you, along with his well-defined build (due to his excessive training for his job), he looked too big for his seat. The thought made you form a small smile. Bringing yourself back to reality, you took note of Sanemi's disgruntled state, his grumpy mumbling and hunched figure proved he was having a hard time with this reoccurring incident. You cleared your throat, raising a hand to awkwardly scratch a finger at your blushing cheek.
"Sorry Sanemi. Can you please repeat that?"
A loud, and much over exaggerated sigh left the man's lips, pinching the bridge of his nose as his hands later raked through his messy hair.
"That fucking highschool kid again. This is about the seventh time he's been reported."
A snort escaped you, covering your grinning face as you glanced down to poke at your food. He was so excessive sometimes. Quirking an eyebrow, you playfully kicked his shin underneath the table.
"Leave the poor boy alone Sanemi. I'm sure he doesn't mean it."
His scowl grew.
"He fucking flipped over the car yesterday morning. I was lucky Genya was with me for patrol, I'm sure I would've done more than kick his ass if he wasn't there. Anyways, we talked with the school officials, they sent a notice to his parents."
Inadvertently shaking your empty cup, you listened to the last few ice cubes clink together. Sneakily reaching over for his own steaming tea, you dragged it back towards your frame, taking small sips. Sanemi was too distracted in his rant to notice.
"Such a tattletale, telling on his parents like that. You used to be like that too Sanemi, luckily you grew up after grade school."
Hunched over his drink, you swatted his scarred hand away when he reached to retrieve it. It was silent for a few moments, reminiscing the years when the two of you were back in highschool, everything seemed so perfect and easy then. What happened after that? Where did the happiness go? Was it because you grew up? The sudden reality that not everything is perfect finally hit you once you graduated, when your friends left to start their own lives, your family no longer behind you as you were like a bird flying away from the nest. The thing was that you had never left your hometown, you were the only one who stayed, except Sanemi of course. He'd never leave you, after going through thick and thin together, he was always there, even if you failed to recognize it.
"So, what was so busy last night that you didn't have time to talk to me? You're usually quick to answer, maybe you're getting tired of me, huh?"
Sanemi's joke didn't sit well with you, smile leaving almost immediately. Hooking the heels of your shoes against the wooden support beam of your chair, you glanced out the glass windows, watching laughing families and friends scurry along the streets. A quick pang of guilt attacked your heart, clutching at your pants as you forced a content and carefree expression. He'd be too dense to notice its false credibility.
"Just a ton of paperwork... I was up late finishing a report that was due today. My idiot boss sent it last minute."
Faking a groan, you placed his empty drink back before him. You felt bad for lying, but he really didn't need to worry over you any more than he already has. Your heart tightened even more, a nauseating feeling growing from the pit of your stomach. Sanemi nodded in understanding, patting your head as a sigh escaped his lips as well.
"Well, just let me know if anything is bothering you. I'm always here."
That same phrase. He always said it, but were his words true? You didn't want to bother him over little things, he had himself and a brother to take care of after that incident with his father...
"Thanks Nemi. Sorry again for not picking up until so late, you probably were pissed all day because of that boy, huh?"
A gentle laugh to push those dark feelings aside, teasing him. He rolled his eyes, failing to suppress his own grin.
"No worries, no worries. It was quite odd though, right before you called."
Your head innocently tilted aside, reminding Sanemi of the dogs that always seemed to gather at his own apartment complex. A questioning look graced your features, urging him to continue.
"I just had a weird feeling... Almost as if I was drowning, I couldn't breathe. But it was only temporary, I think I must've been imagining it."
His shoulders shrugged, talking lightly about the dark subject as he easily brushed it aside as if talking about the weather. Your hands felt clammy, digging your manicured nails deep into the flesh of your hands as that same feeling resurfaced in your head, remembering the events of the night before, the calm water, the silence of the room, the sudden fear of inhaling the ocean's contents, dragged down into that deep dark abyss. Small crescents formed in your palms, a slight stinging sensation. You only snapped out of your trance when a light hiss escaped the man across you.
"Sanemi?"
His eyes blinked a few times, studying over the smooth flesh of his own palms, no crescents to be seen, but it felt as if you were digging your own nails into his skin. Weird.
"Nothing. Thought I felt something."
You quickly brushed it off, glancing at the small wristwatch clasped around your arm. You rose to your feet.
"A-Ah ok. You better be taking good care of yourself, don't go neglecting your health ok? I'm sure its nothing, you should get some rest and I think you'll feel better. After all, you've been working really hard!"
You were certainly one to talk. He stood from his own seat, following you out into the bustling streets, the bright sun sending a warmth through your nervous body. You both stood on the sidewalk for a few minutes, just enjoying each other's presence before you parted once again. Before you could give your goodbye, Sanemi beat you to it.
"Let me know when you get home alright? Get some rest yourself, you shouldn't be staying up so late."
He was such a great friend.
"Yes mother~"
A gentle smack reached the back of your head, he was clearly unamused.
"Sorry sorry, I'll be fine. Say hello to Genya for me, will you? I miss him too."
Engulfing him in a hug, you felt weightless when his own arms wrapped around your frame. Swaying side to side in his grasp, the consuming grip of your fears caught you once more as you both pulled away. Your hold was empty, missing whatever had filled it before. So you hid behind that mask once more, showing a brave smile before going on your way.
"Bye Nemi."
●○●
Sanemi lay slumped on the couch back in his apartment, which was really not far from yours. Despite being given the day off, he felt anything but relaxed, in fact he felt restless, with uncertainty swirling in his chest. It was nice to see your smiling figure earlier that day, you seemed healthy, happy, content with yourself, but something in the back of his head screamed at him. You were too happy. He noticed the hesitation before you answered his questions, quick to brush the subject off. Was it a lie?
After graduating, he witnessed you slowly crumble before him. Your friends, family, everything you had leaving your grasp, but he remained. He knew you leaned on him for support, and he was happy to help. After all, you were there for him when he had faced his darkest days. But were you really happy now? Something really seemed forced back at the café.
Before he could delve deeper into the thought, a quiet click alerted his body. Turning his head to the hallway, he could just faintly see his brother emerging from his bedroom, crossing to lean at the doorway.
"You're back. How was lunch? How is Onee-san?"
Sanemi gave a quick nod, catching his brother's messy appearance. It was clear he didn't get up out of bed until recently. It irked him quite a bit.
"Alright. She misses you."
Almost replying in a low grumble, he couldn't take his eyes off the phone resting before him. It didn't ring, it didn't buzz, it didn't send any sort of sign from you. How come you haven't replied back yet? His place was farther away from where you had met, and its been a while.
'I'm just paranoid. She's probably fine. I bet she just forgot, yeah that's like her...'
"O-Oh, I miss her too! You should invite her to come over for dinner one night, its been a while since we have."
Genya's suggestion snapped Sanemi from his thoughts, snatching his phone up. He hesitated, unlocking the screen and stared at the messages that you two sent back and forth. His fingers paused, hovering over his keyboard, before finally turning it off.
"Yeah... I just remembered, I forgot to grab something. I'll be back in a bit, don't wait up for me."
He jumped from the couch, approaching the front door. Grabbing his jacket from the closet, Sanemi was quick to escape through the door, slamming it behind him in a rush. Genya stood in confusion, staring at the spot where he had been sitting before. Sighing in defeat, he turned to the darkness of his room to waste the rest of the day away.
"Well... Whatever."
●○●
Walking back home proved harder than it seemed.
With each step, the guilt and desire to delve in your destructive delusions reached its claws around your figure, a heavy weight settling on your shoulders as a queasy sensation arose from your stomach. You couldn't control your trembling legs, rushing quickly through the front doors and to the elevator as your fingers hastily smashed the button to go up. Fidgeting as the doors slowly opened, it felt like eons before the gates shut once more and your body was slowly hauled up to your floor. Dashing to your room, when you burst inside, it finally became easy to inhale a shaky breath, the door closing in behind you with a sharp click.
You had found yourself hunched over the bathtub once again, your shaking knees hardly keeping you up as all rational thoughts fled your mind. Fumbling through the cabinet underneath the sink, you searched through the piles of supplies, pushing them aside as a small box caught your vision. Carefully lifting the lid, the metal glint caught your eye, and you were quick to snatch it up. Holding it tightly in your grasp, you studied its black handle and bloodied blade, already dull from its use. Offering your bare arm over the pristine tub, your hand shook as you pointed the tip to your palm.
Slowly forcing the point into your skin, you dragged it along the entirety of your hand, not bothering to wait as blood bubbled from the cut, before spilling over and splashing below. You repeated the same action, dragging the tainted blade along your forearm as blood gushed and flowed, much like how the faucet had spilled to fill the tub, sinking your existence in its waters.
Your mouth felt dry, sweating as the same sickening sensation rose from your stomach. Each painful drag stung as your skin split under the blade, yet the action made you forget about the rage of emotions pounding through your head.
Something urged you to continue, reaching to the hem of your shirt as you carefully pulled it up your body, holding the bunched fabric between your teeth as your shaky hands gripped the knife once more. It slashed along your stomach, wincing as it just barely broke skin. You tried again, determined to complete the action, grazing over the same spot as what was once before a mere scratch now produced the red liquid.
Next were your thighs, oh how you thought they were so ugly. No one would be able to see the scars if you covered them, and that's just what you did. This was a familiar sensation, and the skin of your legs was easy to break though, not even flinching as you quickly sliced a line though the flesh. At this point, blood was freely flowing down your arm, smearing along your stomach and coating your legs, the white tiles beneath you bathed in blood.
Your teary eyes watched each bubble drip to the tub, splashing and leaving dark streaks as it traveled down the drain. Red was what covered your skin, red was painting the floor and your surroundings, creating a blurred image in your head. Your arm reached to wipe away the droplets escaping your eyes, smearing the thick substance across your face in the process. It dripped along your eyelashes, creating a red filter through your vision. Red, it was all red.
The acidic taste of your lunch rose up to your throat, making your mouth water with each attempted gulp to pass the feeling. How miserable you felt. Your arms rose above your head, tightly grasping the tool, ready to strike, to feel the piercing blade in your flesh, anything to get rid of this aching in your chest, the pounding in your head, the burning in your throat. It was time.
When your arms released to aim towards your chest, you were surprised when a calloused hand caught your own. You couldn't even hear the front door slam open, or the pounding footsteps approaching the bathroom. It only occurred to you when they stopped your destructive deed.
"What the hell are you doing!?"
Your head didn't need to turn to know who it was. The hands holding yours were shaking violently, and it was only a matter of seconds before yours followed suit. The blade clattered to the floor, tears rolling down your cheeks as the pain engulfed you. The adrenaline of the moment was gone.
"S-Sanemi... It h-hurts."
A quiet whine, curling your body forward as his grip on your hands slowly released. You wrapped your arms around your stinging torso, hunched over as your forehead pressed against the cool tile, it's sudden coolness a contrasting feeling to satiate the burning of your skin. His own hands reached to gently cover your own, and you could feel his body pressed up against your back in desperation of holding you.
"I know... I can feel it too."
Choked sobs escaped your lips, fingers curling tightly around his wrists as you heaved in each breath, desperate to stop this overwhelming sensation. His words sparked something in your mind, making the tears rush down your skin, quickly covering your mouth with bloodstained hands as your stomach twisted.
You remembered a stupid myth your friend had once told you about in junior high, you thought it was such a joke, your soulmate being able to feel your own physical pain? What foolishness it was, even the idea of believing in the existence of a soulmate. Fate had no grip over such a thing as love, so the whole idea was preposterous. Love was random, uncontrolled, and surprising, how could a soulmate be real. She was clearly messing with you, right?
Apparently not.
He could feel it. He could feel the sharp stings of each slash, each open wound as blood dribbled down your skin. Despite the fact that he had no injuries of his own, he could feel your own. All those times you indulged in your sickeningly sweet desires, he could feel them too. It made you think how many times you have acted on such occasion, glancing at the white scars that were hidden to prying eyes, littering your flesh and now exposed for all of Sanemi to see. You remembered each harsh swipe of the blade, and the blood that followed, each suffocating and painful action you took to ease the mental turmoil forever raging inside your head. You forced him to share all the pain.
"S-Sanemi... I-I'm so s-so sorry."
He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve you, the horrible, unhinged mess of a person you were.
"It's ok, I'm here."
You didn't want to accept his help, you just couldn't. It was so unfair, especially after all you put him through. But when his chapped lips pressed against your forehead in a chaste kiss, your numb body couldn't help but let him carefully lift you to sit up on the edge of the bloody tub. All you could do was watch as he searched your cabinets, familiar with your place as he grabbed a roll of bandages, snatching the washcloth that was already resting on the counter. Kneeling between your legs, you winced as he pressed the now damp cloth firmly against the cuts littering your thighs, erasing all the blood smeared in its path.
He didn't once flinch, even when muffled whines escaped your lips, all the while careful when bandaging them up, quick to move to your other wounds. You were left a sniveling mess, repeating the same quiet phrase over and over like a broken record. The tears escaping your eyes slowly washed away the bloody glare in your eyes, things starting to become clear and colorful once more.
"I'm so sorry."
Next was your stomach, his brows furrowed upon seeing the reddened skin, the bleeding now crusted over along the edges.
"I'm so sorry."
He gently took your arm, quick to stop the relentless flow of blood before wrapping it closed.
"I'm so sorry."
Your sweaty palm, his calloused fingers slowly working along your own, sending a chilling warmth through your body.
"I'm sorry."
Pulling away to glance over your freshly clean and tended harmful attempts, he wasted no time to wrap his arms around your torso, tugging you close. A sudden warm breath met your neck, his messy hair tickling your face as he nuzzled his head against yours. His grip was tight, yet careful not to irritate your tended wounds, but consuming with each touch. His hands desperately grasped at your back, gripping your hips, your sides, sliding along your arms, making sure you were still there, that you haven't drifted away from him. You couldn't return the gesture.
"W-Why... Why does it have to be me?"
You unwillingly let yourself be guided onto his lap, falling surrender to his needy touches, all the while fresh tears raining to his figure, shoulders trembling.
"Why do you love me?"
His hands took yours, pulling away to press his forehead against your own. With wisteria eyes glossy from unfallen tears, they finally fluttered shut, giving in to the sensation as they dripped against your own face, mixing in with the tears streaming your cheeks. He let you lean against him, your bodies unmoving except for the labored shaky breaths you shared. It was quiet, allowing you to calm your frenzied state, the tensions slowly unwinding.
"You were there for me, please let me be there for you."
You let your bandaged arm caress his cheek, thumb brushing carefully under his eye, swiping away the sudden tears that managed to escape. The soft nuzzle of his cheek against your hand caught you off guard, this time your stomach flipping in a different, more desirable way as the white bandage received a loving kiss of its own. His warm breath sent a fluttering feeling through your chest, goosebumps arising on your skin as you suddenly remembered how cold the bathroom was.
He seemed to notice your discomfort when a violent shiver traveled up your spine, leaning more into his hold. With a single swift motion, he scooped you up in his arms, resting one arm underneath your shaky knees and the other around your back, carrying you off into the hall. Your living room was dark and untouched like when you first came home, squinting your eyes to focus on the maze of furniture as the dim afternoon light served as the only brightness. The side lamp flickered on, and you were carefully placed down on the cushy couch.
A fuzzy blanket wrapped around your shoulders, instantly providing a warming relief to your shivering figure, although the quick kiss pecked upon your lips heated yourself more efficiently. Sanemi's hands were fast, tucking the folds of the fabric around you protectively, before cupping your reddened cheeks.
"Do you need me to get you anything?"
Bashfully avoiding his gaze, your eyes flickered to your feet, biting your lip in attempts to calm your flustered appearance. He was so gentle with you. He's always been caring like a brother to you, but Sanemi was also stubborn and prideful, which sometimes resulted in his unintentional curtness and brash actions. This seemed so out of character for him, yet you wanted to see this side more often no matter the price. Your own pride was to spare in order for this dreamy reality to continue.
"Please stay."
Your quiet voice barely reached his ears, but he still heard your request, eliciting a small chuckle as he collapsed to the couch with you, pulling your swaddled figure close. His warm arms snaked their way into the blanket with you, gently caressing the faint ridges of the scars along your thighs before finally settling upon your hips. Thumbs brushing along the slight curve of bone, they rubbed gentle circles right beneath the white bandage. A warm feeling pooled in your stomach, only fueled on by his gentle touches, melting away the stress your body harbored.
Hiking a leg up over his lap, you scooted closer into his frame, nimble fingers escaping from the blanket and creeping up his shirt. Rugged scars of his own danced along the flesh of his torso, triggering memories that now made sense, the cause of the excruciating phantom pains you once felt in the past now laying before your fingertips in deep indents. A breathy sigh escaped Sanemi's lips, his pale eyes fluttering closed with each trace of his skin. His hands tightened their grip on you.
"I remember feeling these... I'm so sorry you had to go through that Sanemi. I don't want to hurt you any more..."
Your hands quickly slipped from his shirt, catching his cheeks in surprise as you peppered kisses along the scar stretching across his cheek and the bridge of his nose, leaving him no time to respond or utter a single noise. A smile forced its way across your lips, your tender gaze scanning over his face. His eyes watered.
Pulling your figure flush against his chest, chapped lips latched onto your own, kissing you fervently. Your head was forced to tilt back, angling in a more comfortable position as his own hands guided your cheeks, labored breaths of air escaping your lips upon his endless touches. With his tongue swiping across your bottom lip, the heat bloomed across your face.
With an attempt to lean away to catch your fleeting breath, his lips found your own once more, sparing you only a mere second to gasp. Reaching up into his tangled hair in desperation, his hands found your thighs, releasing his tight grip to gently trace along the scarred skin. With each touch of your lips slowing to gently meet, a content sigh left your lips once his mouth pressed against your neck. The tender kiss subsided the shaky inhale of your chest, wrapping your arms around his back.
Your back hit the cushions of the couch, falling back to lay down as Sanemi's body rested over your own. His lips continued to trace along the skin of your neck and chin, placing kiss after delicate kiss before pecking your red and plump lips. His wisteria eyes peered down upon you, warm arms tucked around your waist.
"No more scars, ok?"
Head bobbing in a nod, a soft smile grew along his lips before he settled down on the cushions. Rolling to your side in attempt to find a comfortable position on the small couch, Sanemi tugged you closer, his warmth calming as your eyes couldn't help but flutter closed. A calloused hand tangled itself in your hair, and the dreadfulness of your past actions left your mind. It was just the both of you, nothing else in the world could disrupt this moment.
"I love you, Nemi."
A delighted hum left his chest, his grip tightening. Your heart fluttered upon hearing his words, and you were sure he could feel it too.
"I love you too."
»»———————————————————««
Suicidal actions are never the answer to any emotional or physical pain you might be feeling.
They only hurt yourself and others who care for you.
If you find yourself thinking or acting upon it, SEEK HELP!
You are loved and important, never forget that.