Check out last chapter as well, updated 2.
"Miss James, I would just like to ask you a few questions. If you need to stop or take a break that if fine." Layton's defence attorney approached me.
I look up and see my friends faces in the watcher's pit and I know they're here to support me, but they just provided evidential photos of what he did to me and now I don't know if I can breathe, or look them in the eyes.
"I'm going to suggest to you, that you had a level of familiarity with Mr Wright where having some physical contact, whether it may be a hand on the shoulder, holding hands... not something out of the ordinary, for you in your relationship to that point."
I look at my lawyer and she nods at me gently. "It wasn't the norm, but I didn't think much of it. We were all close."
"Yes or no Miss James."
"Yeah."
"And people were drinking, it was a party no? A high school party where people, underage would most likely be drinking."
"Yes."
"And that includes you? And Mr Wright?"
"I was drinking, but I don't know about him."
"And quite naturally, you don't have a little notebook where you are carefully noting down each millilitre of alcohol you ingest, fair enough?"
"Right."
"And so if I were to suggest to you, that as with any person out for the night, quantities of alcohol consumed inevitably are estimates. Right?"
"yeah."
"And those estimates can be high or low can't they?"
My lawyer objects against Layton's defence, something to do with relevance, but the judge allows it.
So I answer.
"They took my blood levels." I say.
"They did." Layton's defence agrees. "You weren't that intoxicated Miss James, did you know that?"
"I remember everything he did to me so yes, I am aware."
My lawyer gives me a warning look and I calm down, taking a deep breath.
"So in your initial statement, you said you followed Mr Wright up the stairs because you were drunk and hiding from the police, if this true?"
"Yes."
I knew where he was going, he's trying to persuade the jury that my story wasn't the truth, that I wasn't a reliable witness. He's going to say that Layton perceived that act of following him into the room as consent.
"But Miss James you weren't that intoxicated so, do you have another explanation as to why you followed your, at the time, boyfriend's best friend up the stairs and into a spare bedroom at a party?"
"It was because I trusted him, because I thought we were hiding. I thought I was safe." I say and my hands are gripping the wood in front of my so tight that I find my mums eyes in the audience.
She reassures me.
"But Miss James, is it fair to say that you actually happily, placed your hand in his, and followed him into a locked bedroom."
"Only because I didn't know I was unsafe at the time."
"Yes or no?"
"Yeah."
"And it was in this room, that you consensually entered, where sexual activity took place, that you claim to be non-consensual."
"Yes."
Fucking hell.
"I am going to suggest to you Miss James, that that encounter, was at your instigation, and was entirely consensual." He says to me and addressed the judge. "Your honour, I do not contest that there was abuse and some rough play on my client's behalf, the pictures and medical record tell signs of that, I suggest however that Miss James in fact consented and then my client took it too far."
Layton shattered me.
'Too far.'
He was just trying to get Layton to go down with chargers of assault, battery, GBH. He wanted to stop the actual reason why we were here, the fact he had sex with me even though I said no.
To provide reasonable doubt.
The judge nods for him to continue and he turns back to me. "Miss James, do you disagree or agree?"
"To what?" I whisper.
"That you instigated the encounter with Mr Wright and furthermore gave consent."
"I don't even know what to say to that."
"Do you agree or disagree?"
"I disagree." He waits for me to continue and I ramble. "Um because I was really confused as to why he would do that to me."
"So, you were confused about what happened that night, weren't you?"
"I was confused why he would want to hurt me."
"I'm going to suggest to you that you were confused because you regretted engaging in those sexual relations with my client, you regretted it as cheated on your boyfriend, and you regretted it as you got injured in the process and knew this story would explain and place yourself in a less negative light. Do you agree or disagree?"
He says this as if my injuries were from rough sex. I had had rough sex before, even enjoyed it.
Layton abused me.
"I disagree."
"So you are saying you didn't join hands with my client on this night, that you didn't let him lead you up the stairs away from everyone else, that you didn't let him bring you into a bedroom and that you didn't not let him lock the door."
"None of those things mean I consented."
"Just answer my question. You consensually followed him into a bedroom, knowing that my client was in love with you, and did not protest until you were not enjoying it."
"No. That was not how it went."
"But did you consensually follow my client into a spare bedroom, secret away from everyone else."
"Yes." I was tearing up, but a few deep breaths and I was ok. "But I didn't know I was in an unsafe situation."
"Right. And before you became unsafe, you consented to sexual contact with my client didn't you Miss James."
"No."
He's trying to make out that I agreed to sex with Layton but Layton had hurt me and so I made up this story to hurt him back.
"I am going to suggest that this was not a case of non-consensual relations, this is a case of consensual sexual relations, with someone you knew, someone that cared about you, that you subsequently regretted. Which is very different from the matter of consent, that's what happened, isn't it Miss James?"
"No."
It was the following morning from the whirl wind of yesterday and that is Jackson and I haven't moved from bed. With small snippets of memories going around and around my head of the trial this morning, I almost thought it was a bad idea to leave my bed. To actually get greeted by the day because I sort of knew it would kick me in the teeth.
I get dreams now, that aren't even nightmares, they're just memories. And they play on a loop until I memorise every single word that can be heard of them. So that even when I wake up it's like it's still playing in the background.
That I can hear his lawyer suggest all the fucked-up shit that he did, was my fault.
Major head fuck court was, by the way. In case you wanted to know.
"Sweet, are you planning to look at dresses today?" My mum asks, knocking on my door before she enters it.
I'm not even planning on looking at my body today. Honestly.
Because I remember the pictures, my bruises, so vividly that I couldn't bear to be reminded of them any further.
"No Mum, I'll do it tomorrow." I sigh and send her a smile when she walks into my room. She frowns as I'm still in bed and it's almost midday.
I'm having a rough time, what's the point.
"It's just because we really want you to attend this one, your dad said you were so good at the one back in St Patricks. This one is a lot bigger though, it's not just headteachers and investors. It's all school staff and families from the area and your dad says he could really use with you help again."
"Mum I know, I already agreed. I just don't want to do it today."
"Are you having a bad one?" She asks softly and sits down at the end of my bed with me.
"Yeah, I guess that is what this is." I say and get annoyed with myself because I have been so good.
"You have group today." She reminds me and I just groan.
"No, I don't. I don't want to go."
"Yes, you do babe, you always feel like this when you're having a bad day and going and talking about it never fails to help."
"When is it." I mumble, not even knowing the time.
"In twenty minutes."
"No."
"Come on Ivy, remember who you are, your strength and come down stairs with me and your dad."
"I can't remember who I am when all I can hear is that lawyer's voice, telling me who he thought I was and telling everyone that I wanted what Layton did to me Mum."
"Is that what's on your mind?" She says and I just nod. On my mind, my ass. I can hear his suggestions even whilst I'm talking to her.
It's sort of like a permanent flashback, but instead of being fully taken back there, I'm stuck half in reality, half outside of it.
I think it's called dissociation? I don't know.
I move out of my bed and I don't bother to shower, I showered when I got home last night because of the chlorine and bad energy.
So, I looked a mess, but I was still partially hygienic.
I wonder over to my wardrobe as my mum sits on my bed and carries on telling me about this gala thing. Charity fundraiser.
"It's a little out of town so we're going to be staying in the hotel that night, so are many of the people attending I think. Your father wanted to get us three separate rooms, as Cole's coming, but I stopped him don't worry." She laughs and I send her a smile.
Cole and I, obviously, weren't seeing each other anymore but he was going to be staying with me that whole week, so it makes no sense to pay for another room when he'll be in mine at home anyway.
"That's fine Mum." I say and pull out some leggings and an oversized jumper.
Ok, it was Jackson's hoodie from the night he took me home drunk, but I don't think much of it. It's just because I wanted to wear something baggy and soothing.
His smell is still comforting to me. And Dr Halpin always says that smells are what you use to devise from reality and present time to the past or made up situations.
So, I'm just looking out for my mental health, ok? It's got nothing to do with him.
"I'm just going to get dressed and phone Cole to let him know some stuff. Can you please brush my hair when I come down?" I ask and she smiles at me.
"Of course, hun, I'll see you down stairs in a minute."
I know it's a little pathetic to ask my mum to brush my hair for me, since I'm 18 and really don't need the help. But today, it was so tangled and if she didn't do it I knew id just leave the house looking like this.
I threw on my leggings and his jumper, not even bothering to place anything under it. I didn't have the energy.
Sundays are shitty days.
No ok, this Sunday is a shitty day.
I just need to get to group and then I should be ok.
It wasn't long before I was sat round the circle, Lucy was sat next to me and she joined in freely like she usually does, she explained when she saw me, how she didn't mean to interrupt whatever was happening between Jackson and I yesterday, but that she just doesn't know him, and she's wearied of guys.
Which is understandable.
Although Jackson is the least likely person to hurt me.
Physically at least.
"Ivy? How are you feeling today? You've been very quiet." Hannah says, she's still the group leader, a very different Hannah that is Jackson's Hannah though.
They just share a name.
I shrug and send out a small smile.
"Can anyone else share how their day was?" Hannah asks, I know she'll come back to me, she just wants me to feel comfortable first.
A few of the other girls talk about their head space and I still just feel as if I'm back there in the court trial, and I don't even know why it's so bad today.
Maybe it was the stress from yesterday.
Maybe I'm not well enough to try and support someone that I love, especially when they have supported you in the past and you're the one that messed it up.
God I am such a screw up.
And also, I am being very mean to myself today.
And that needed to stop.
I need a self-help day.
Then I should pay attention I'm literally in therapy right now.
What I need is earphones and music, honestly, I think that will help.
And maybe my friends.
I'm not too sure about that one. Whenever I was feeling really bad last year I pushed people away. I didn't want to do that anymore, but I also wanted to stay that strong girl that they see me as.
"Is it really bad today?" Lucy whispers to me and I just nod once.
"It's so random. I was doing so good."
"You also had a stressful day yesterday though, this isn't a setback, just a little wobble, glitch." Lucy says and gains some attention from others.
Hannah catches my eye again and I explain.
"I know you all think I'm lucky, because I got a trial, we had evidence, a prosecution. But right now, all I can hear as you all talk is the things they accused me off. The way I felt as if I was being accused of a crime against him, by standing there and listening and having to deny that I consented."
Nobody knew what to say to that, Hannah started to talk about the trauma of court and how it can be difficult. I just fell back inside my head.
"Hey, you wanna come with me to Jayden's after this? It's just Max and me going, they're doing homework and I'm just going to chill by the pool side. I know it's probably the last place you wanna go but I just thought I'd ask, if you wanted to be around friends."
"I don't know." I sigh and we turn back towards what Hannah is saying. I'll talk to Lucy after this hour, I need to focus on the group, I can't have three conversations at once.
Jeez that did sound a bit mental.
Oh shit, I forgot to call Cole. I'll do it when I get to Jayden's.
Yeah, somehow, I had decided I was going there after this.
I think it was partially because I was trying to help myself, and friends and sunshine feels good. But I also get reckless when I feel like this, so god knows why I decided to go there.
Walking out with Lucy nod as she offers me some spare clothes that she has in her car, she was judging my sad outfit but I was just letting her.
"When we get to Jay's you can go up and get changed out of your winter gear." Lucy laughs and I just shrug.
"I just have some shorts and a top. Is that ok?" She ask and I nod.
"Yeah I don't mind, I think I just need to lay in the sun, listen to some music and know I have my friends near."
"That sounds really positive, it'll be nice. I feel like we spend so much time at Jay's I don't want it to be awful for you."
"It's not. It's fine."
"It's like Hannah said earlier, sometimes fear overcrowds goodness. I'm proud that you can see the goodness over the fear."
"Yeah Luce." I say and admit. "I hardly even listened today, I couldn't hear it."
"When you say that? What do you mean?" Lucy asks. "Like flashback wise?"
"I just mean their words play over and over again in my head. Like you know when you get a favourite song, and you listen to it so much that you know every lyric off by heart? That's how I remember the whole trial today, it's just playing in my head as if it's a song stuck there torturing me."
"Do you think that will fade today? Have you felt like this before?" Lucy asks and I just shrug.
"This is usually the foundation of a bad day, hopefully it won't get worse." I share and stop by my car to say that I will see her in a minute.
"I'll see you at Jay's?"
"See you in a minute, or well ten." I say and start up my car.
I really had hoped this day wasn't going to get worse.