We accept the love we think we deserve... And sometimes, people push away the ones who care most because they don't believe they deserve the love.
-unknown
"Because you are." I say and his eyes drag up to mine. And you can see it in them, the sadness. And it's gut-wrenching.
Jackson knows I can read his face and just sighs, leaning his head back down on the steering wheel.
And I just watch him, I just sit here, in his car as he closes his eyes and breathes.
I want to touch him, I want to hold him the same why he has done for me so many times in the past. But I don't want to do anything that will disturb this moment.
Because I have no idea what he's thinking, no idea what on earth is running through this beautiful boy's brain. But I know I want to be here, with him as he sorts through the mess, I don't want him to push me away.
I can't pretend that I don't know anymore, that I can't see it written all over his face. I've been thinking somethings wrong, but it is so clear as I watch him now that it's his dark clouds.
The depression.
But I also know I may have made things worse, that if he was struggling before my return, then I have probably stressed him out so much more. But also, if I'm the only one that can see it, I'm so glad I came back.
Fucking hell, what would have happened if I didn't?
"You've been crying." He whispers and my hand instinctively goes to reach out for his face, but I pull it back immediately.
No Ivy.
"I was upset." I say softly back. My hands knotted in my lap as I face him.
"Because I'm an arsehole?"
I accidentally laugh and he turns to look at me, finally.
"A little bit." I feel my lips tug up and so do his. It wasn't a smile, but it was something.
We slip back in silence but this time Jackson eyes are locked with mine as we just sit and look at eachother, but I can't stop my heart from picking up as I fall further down the hole of Jackson and his intensity.
His eyes.
Fuck.
"I don't want to talk." He says and I nod.
"Ok."
We could always do something else.
My eyes widen at my own intrusive thoughts and I shake my head slightly.
It's going to be really hard to try and make Jackson open up to me without falling back into old habits, old desires. Not for him, that's not I mean.
I mean that I've always felt this pull towards him and it doesn't just go away because he doesn't feel it anymore. I shouldn't feel it either, I knew this, but sometimes I do.
Sue me.
"I don't want you to leave either." Jackson whispers and I send him a soft smile.
"I'm not going anywhere." I promise. "I don't want anything from you. I don't want whatever happened last year between us to happen again. Jackson, I know you don't want that either. I just want to know that my old best friend is okay."
I say that with so much sincerity that I wonder what on earth would have happened if Lucy didn't disrupt us earlier? I know we have this chemistry, but I also know that we are both not willing to go back there. That's not what we want.
"I didn't mean what I said." He says and I nod, not being able to hold myself back when I reply.
"I meant some of what I said." I admit and he just rubs his eyes tiredly.
He starts the car and I put my seat belt on, putting my legs down. I didn't care where he was taking me, I didn't care as long as he wasn't alone.
God he is going to be seeing a lot of me these two weeks his mother is gone. I don't even care. I hate it when people are clingy but I won't be able to do anything else.
"It's kinda worrying to me that you are going to be alone the next couple of weeks."
I watch Jackson closely and his hands clench on the steering wheel as he pulls away from Jay's.
Oh, shit my mum.
I quickly text her, telling her that I was staying at Jayden's a little longer and that I would let her know when I was coming home, telling her that I didn't a ride anymore.
She replies instantly saying that, that was a close call as she was just about to get in the car.
The night slides over the car and I lean against the window, absorbing the silence. He didn't reply to my fears, he didn't reassure me. He just drove on, taking us somewhere, somewhere away from Jayden's and the chaos of the party.
And although, I felt calm, I knew that whatever he was thinking was almost as chaotic.
I wanted to lighten the mood. I wanted to distract him. But I didn't want to disrupt the silence, not when he specifically said he didn't want to talk.
"Last time you were in my car you were insufferable." Jackson says but his tone is light and a small smile plays on my lips, I can hardly remember it but I'm glad he took me home.
"Insufferable how?" I ask and he meets my gaze momentarily.
"You were trying to wind me up." Jackson shares and my eyes furrow a little.
All I remember is telling him every ingredient there was in the cake I brought. Which by the way, my mum and dad ate the cake the next day. Sadly. I remember going through his stuff too...
Oh shit I remember.
Ha.
Awkward.
"I'm sorry I commented on the fact you have a big dick Jackson." I say and he chokes on his own saliva, a short laugh falling from his lips before he could stop it.
"Jesus Ivy." He says and I can't help but grin at the side of his face, as I watch his face settles on a small but amused smile.
A smile.
I'm proud of myself.
"I remember I was the one saying that actually." I smirk and smile when his lips tug upwards again. I knew what I was saying was a little inappropriate but I just, I need to distract him from the darkness.
"Stop." He chuckles and I lean back against the chair satisfied that he laughed. I say no more and just watch the road, enjoying being back in my town.
Cole had to put off his visit for another couple of weeks but that was kinda perfect because I needed a date to this charity gala thing that my dad was having to attend.
Something about funding schools in the area. Max and Luce will be going too as Max's mum is the headteacher of my old school. I was excited to show Cole everything here.
"Were you leaving?" Jackson says, "I'm sorry I just decided to start driving."
"Yeah I was going, I was tired." I say and he frowns.
"I can take you home?"
"I'd prefer it if you didn't." I whisper and he nods an ok. Understanding each other.
I may be tired, but I wanted to be here.
"Where are we going?" I ask and he shrugs.
"You know Martin's Lane? I'm just going to park the car up there if that's ok?" Jackson asks and I nod.
I had butterflies because he's not being horrible, he's not cold or nonchalant. I mean he's not open either, but he doesn't mind my presence. And I feel like that's so important, such a progressive move.
Because for me to help him through whatever is going on, I needed him to at least tolerate my presence.
Martin Lane was this big hill that sat above our town, with houses just running alone one side and then parking along the opposite. This meant that when you parked you were overlooking the whole of this town, which was pretty at night, when all the lights were on.
"Did you talk to people about our fight?" He says when he pulls into a space and I lose my self a little in the beauty that was the view. Jackson always took me to the most beautiful places, created the most beautiful moments.
I felt like I was doing something naughty by being here with him, that I had gone back on my promise to myself that I would stay away.
That I'm contradicting everything I convinced myself off when I went away.
"Ives?" Jackson asks my head turns to him so quickly that he also looks taken back.
I just haven't heard him say my name in a long time. Instead of an angry, frustrated 'Ivy' leaving his lips it was something he used to call me in affection and I think it sort of freaked us both out.
"I talked to our friends a bit, I didn't say much. Although they were very excited about the gossip." I share and he smiles a little bit.
"Of course they were, Max and Lucy, right?"
"Yeah." I laugh and pull his hoodie down so it was covering more of my legs. I felt exposed, and my legs were also cold now.
"I have blankets in the back if you want one?" He says and I cringe a little.
"What has it previously been used for?" I ask and he meets my eyes instantly.
"Nothing like that."
"Then yes please."
Jackson gets out the car and goes to his boot, opening it and grabbing two blankets out. When he walks back around he places one on top of the car and opens the other up and wraps it around himself tightly, struggling to get back inside the car with his hand holding the blanket around him and carrying one for me.
"You look like a burrito." I muse and he just, almost playfully, tosses the other blanket at me. To which I smile in gratitude for.
It wasn't really that cold, it was just more for comfort honestly.
"You look like a..." Jackson retorts and looks at me, his words failing him as he meets my smiling gaze.
"A what?" I laugh and he just shrugs.
We fall back into comfortable silence again and as I watch the horizon; my eyes fall back to Jackson's side profile. He's staring out to the view of the town but it's awfully evident that he's deep in his thoughts.
"Why hadn't you driven away? Earlier?" I ask and then frown at myself for trying to get him to talk, he said he didn't want to earlier, I should respect that.
His head turns to look at me and I just keep his eye contact, until he turns away that is. As always.
"I didn't know where I was going to end up." He says and I let out a long breath.
I was anxious to fuck this up, him actually opening up.
So, I don't respond, I just listen. Which I think was more important in this moment.
"I'm not drinking again. I know you think that. Or the thought crossed your mind. But I'm not. But I was tempted, you were right." He says his face turning to read my reaction to his words.
Although we both just sat examining each other for a few moments, his eyes were filled with so much shame that I couldn't understand, he had been tempted to drink before, he told me about it each time.
We had a pact.
"I'm glad you didn't." I say and he lets out a low laugh.
"Well I mean, you did kinda karate chop the shot out of my hand anyway." He says and I scrunch my nose up in embarrassment.
I have no regrets but I didn't even realise I could see red and just move. It was strange.
"Sorry about that." I say cringing and he chuckles again, louder at my embarrassment.
His laugh, oh my god. I haven't heard him laugh since before I left.
He explains himself further and I am so fucking happy that he's sharing I have to stop myself from smiling at this very serious and deep conversation.
"You made me feel exposed, because I knew you could see that I wanted it, and you are right everyone just minds their own business. But you read exactly what I was feeling and it freaked me out."
I sigh, I knew exactly how he felt. "That's how I used to feel with you, last year, that you could read what I was thinking just by my face and I often felt the same, exposed. Vulnerable."
"I could never read what you were thinking." Jackson shakes his head at that. "But yeah I guess I could always sorta know what you were feeling, like how you were doing without even asking."
"I never know what you're thinking either." I say, smiling softly as I bring my legs up to my seat, getting comfy and snuggling into the blanket more. I had my head lent against the seat facing him and he just rubs his forehead.
"It's unpredictable for me too." He says, almost bitterly and I really want to reach out but of course I don't.
I don't reply, just let him have control of what he wants to tell me but he doesn't say any more. And that's ok. It's easier for him to talk about the temptation to drink rather than what's going on inside his head, but I know the fact he shared is so important to me.
"What I said still stands Jackson, I know it's been over a year since I said it but I still mean it. If you ever need someone to distract you so you don't drink, please consider ringing me."
Jackson's jaw ticked and I immediately know I've said the wrong thing, but I don't know what and I sigh heavily. Waiting for him to respond.
"How would I do that?" He laughs humourlessly and I wince knowing i forgot that I had blocked him.
"Jackson." I sigh and he looks at me, eyebrows raised as if to say 'yeah? What are you going to say to that?'
"You can have my number back?" I say sheepishly and relief fills me when he rolls his eyes at and shakes his head at me with a slight amused smile.
"I don't want your number." He hums back childishly and I laugh softly, thinking about all the shit that happened.
"I think you do." I smirk and he just again looks over to me, where I am laid squished up on his passenger seat, so comfy that the sleepiness is getting worse and worse, and shakes his head.
"Why did you do that? Like why did you just block me like that?"
"Because I was hurting, and a little messed up, and a little immature. I thought it was best for us both." I say openly and then sigh. "Jackson do you want to talk about this? About us? Because I just-"
"You taught me to be more open, we talked about everything, because you were always so open about what you were feeling, what I had done wrong and how I could fix it. Why is that different now?" Jackson whispers down at me, he had reclined his seat slightly too and was leant back but his face was towards me.
"Because I don't want to fix it anymore." I whisper.
"Then what are you doing? With me, falling asleep in my car, in my clothes? If you don't want to be in my life anymore?" He says and my eyes flutter back open, meeting his confused gaze.
I have no response for him other than I care, and that I'm worried about him. But I can't say that to him, I know he knows that I know he's not ok. But it's up to him whether or not he wants to acknowledge it.
"Jackson, I just, it's a little painful." I send him a tired smile. "I'm here for you. Not for us."
"I don't think you should be here for me though." He says, his deep voice getting quieter and less sure of himself.
"I'm not sure either, honestly. But I just want to be here, in this car with you, looking at the town lights and talking about life. Is that too much to ask for?" I say and he just shrugs.
"It might be, when it comes to us." Jackson whispers and I just furrow my eyebrows at him in confusion.
I didn't understand.
I don't respond and although I know it's only like ten or something, my eyes fall shut again. I hate how peaceful I feel, just here with him.
Even though I know our conversation is heavy and serious, I can't help but feel myself drift away, encased in everything to do with Jackson.
"You're falling asleep." Jackson whispers and I smile lazily, my eyes still shut.
"Just go with it?" I sleepily reply and Jackson does say anything else, I think he himself settles down.
But then Jackson makes a hint of an annoyed noise and I frown with my eyes still closed. It was the same noise I would make sometimes, when you have too much shit going round and round in your head.
When you're drowning but still have too much air.
I drowsily move my hand out of the blanket and reach for him, I don't even think about it but as my hand is out in the cold for a good few beats, I start to bring it back in to me.
But then I guess he decides fuck it, because a moment later he laces our hands together and I carry on pulling our hands back to join my other one tucked up under my head and under my blanket.
He does say anything just holds my hand and I guess we both fell asleep.
In the nostalgic comfort of each other's presence.
....
My phone starts to ring and both Jackson and I startle awake, me sitting up and letting go of his hand so he can have it back.
"I'm sorry." I say, my voice clouded with sleep and Im slightly disorientated from still being in Jacksons car. I look at the time that is displayed on his dashboard and my eyes widen when I realise we've been dead asleep for more than two hours.
"Shit." I whisper and reach down to get my phone from my bag, thinking the person ringing would be one of my parents.
It stops ringing before I pull my phone out and I look up at Jackson and my actions stop when I see his face.
He looks, regretful. He looks as if he's annoyed with himself and annoyed with even me. He looks stressed and I watch all these negative emotions swirl around in his head.
"We shouldn't have fallen asleep." He mutters and I go to reassure him that it's fine.
"Jackson it's ok-"
"No it's not." He snaps and I move back a little bit. And he looks even more pained.
I just don't understand.
"Can you explain what you're thinking? Because I see so many emotions that there's no way I can figure it out by myself." I say calmly and he sighs.
But before he can explain my phone starts ringing again.
"Sorry it might be my mum." Jackson nods once as I pull out my phone and I know he's reading the display name too.
Cole.
I end the call, and turn back round to Jackson and meet his gaze.
"What were you going to say?" I ask him and sigh angrily as my phone starts ringing me again.
Its half past 12, we all know this will be a drunken or horny call from Cole and I don't want to talk to him next to Jackson.
Jackson will be able to hear every word he says and I can't control what drunk Cole says.
"You should just answer him." Jackson says and I frown at his tone.
It's freezing.
"It'll just take a minute." I say and Jackson turns the car back on.
"Jackson." I start when he doesn't reply and then I groan as my phone starts ringing again.
Lifting it to my ears I press the accept call and wait for the drama to unfold.
"Yes, Cole?"
"Ivy, thank god." He says and I roll my eyes as he slurs. This was literally me last week, but now Jackson was right next to me and the whole situation just wasn't ideal.
"Hey, are you ok?" I ask and I know Jackson can hear Cole through the phone, very faintly but if he wanted to listen he could.
"Nope. But first how was your day?" Cole sighs happily at the end of my phone and I scrunch my nose up at his words.
"It was pretty good ba-" I start to say babe and then stop. "What's wrong? What's going on?"
"I am drunk." Cole states and I laugh, putting on my seatbelt one handed as Jackson puts the car in reverse.
"I know, I'm a little busy right now. Is there anything wrong?" I ask and watch Jackson's tension build all the way to his hands, his knuckles.
What changed in his sleep?
"What are you up to?"
"I'm just with friends." I lie because it was just easier. Obviously, I'd tell a sober Cole about this tomorrow.
"Which ones?"
"The usual ones. Cole is there a specific reason you called?" I say and I know I must sound cold but sometimes getting to the point is just a lot simpler.
"Well you see, I lost my phone." He says and I frown.
"But you're on the phone with me." I say and he drunkenly shushes me.
"Patience Ivy, we both know that's not your best quality but please I am trying to tell a story."
Jackson stops at a red light and I look up at him, his face never strays from the road though. He looks almost bored. Almost cold again.
"Cole I am busy, do you need my help."
"Wow you are extra sensitive tonight, are you ok?"
"I'll talk to you tomorrow properly. What's wrong."
"I lost my phone and then when I found the fucker who had it, he had bloody tried to unlock it so many times that I'm now locked out. But, I have you as an emergency contact thingy and so I could phone you to tell you."
He explains and I frown into the phone, if he found someone that stole his phone then he wouldn't have just let him go.
Fucking boys and their violence.
"How hurt are you." I say frustrated and Jackson actually glances over at me.
"I wish you could just come and pick me up, we could go home and just-" Cole says and I interrupt him,
"Cole, do you need me to get Link or Lace to pick you up?" I ask.
"Oh yeah! That would be great, that's what I was trying to ask you."
"Yeah I gathered, where are you?"
Cole laughs loudly in my ear and I pull the phone away slightly "I'm near Bookies."
"Ok I'll see if anyone can pick you up."
I hang up immediately and mutter a little "I'm sorry about this" to Jackson as he continues driving. I guess he's taking me home.
I don't want to go home but knowing him, he is.
Quickly pressing on Lincoln's number I wait for him to answer.
"Ivy James! You promised you'd call and you never did. Middle of the night is a little unusual though. Almost feel inclined to ask you what you are wearing." He says laughing, his voice thick indicating he just woke up.
i cut to the chase.
"Linc have you been drinking tonight?"
"Oh ok, a rescue mission is it?"
"Yeah, please I know I'm sorry. I just really need you to go and get him."
"Yeah of course. He's a nightmare." Lincon laughs down the phone and I am fidgeting on my seat because we are only like five minutes away from home now and I need to finish this conversation with Jackson.
"He really is. He's at bookies." I say and Lincon tells me he's just getting ready. "Ok, Linc I'm sorry to disappear but I need to go, call me when you get him?"
"I'll call you in a bit Ives, take care."
"You too." I say and hang up the phone and send Cole a message, I don't know if he'll be able to read it but I just don't want to waste anymore time.
"Jackson, what were you going to say? What's wrong?" I ask and Jackson just stays staring out into the road, all pensive.
"Jackson." I say and he jumps a little, almost as if he hadn't been expecting me to talk to him.
"Mm?"
"What's wrong?"
"Why would you lie? To whoever that was on the phone. Why didn't you tell him you were with me." Jackson asks and I just pause.
"Because he would have had an opinion I wouldn't have liked." I say and Jackson's jaw clenches in some sort of emotion.
Frustration, anger, annoyance? I have no idea.
"Would he have disapproved?" He says slowly and I start panicking because Jackson is literally shutting himself off from me again and I'm right here.
What do I do?
"It's not like that-" I start but he interrupts me, his hands tense as he pulls the car up outside my house.
"I don't approve either." Jackson says and I lift my hands in confusion.
"Don't approve about what?"
"You and me being friends again."
"Jackson." I sigh, wanting to bash my head against a wall is frustration.
"I just don't think it's healthy. I don't want to spend time with you."
"Jackson stop." I start and his voice is so cold that I know I don't want him to look at me, because I'll read it and it will hurt me.
"I am just doing what's best for you." He says and I shake my head furiously.
"You're hurting me." I say, my voice drained of emotion because I can't even be arsed.
"No I'm not. Your ideals about who you want me to be, is what's hurting you. I'm not doing this again, and I would prefer it if you just left me alone."
"Honestly Jackson give up." I say and toss his blanket into the back of the car.
Jackson doesn't say anything and I just stare at him, waiting for him to say something.
He doesn't, not until I grab my bag and make it out of the car.
"Ivy my hoodie." He mutters and with my back to him, as I had already started walking away, I smirk to myself.
Fuck him, I wont let him push me away.
He'd have to try a lot harder than this.
"Sure Jackson." I say and come round to his window, to which he rolls down. I cross my arms over myself and in the most graceful way possible I lift the jumper up over myself. My arms straining and my body falling cold as more and more of it was exposed to Jackson's eyes.
"There you go." Throwing the jumper back into his lap and wish him goodnight. "Goodnight, I'll see you tomorrow."
Because I would, because somehow, I'd make sure the progress that was made tonight was not lost. And so, I turn around and make sure to walk in front his head lights so he could see me.
And as I unlocked the front door I looked back at him and stared back into his eyes.
And then i turned back around and walked into my house, in order to just go and mentally prepare to call back a very drunk Cole.
Goodness me.