"Because I knew this was going to happen. That you and Erwin would get into a fight and that we would both have this conversation. I knew it and wanted to push it away as far and as long as possible. I just wanted to enjoy the date, and probably the last week we will have as a couple, I just wanted it to be both of us and I wanted to enjoy your presence and closeness to the fullest one last time. But on almost no day this week could I forget the thought that this moment was coming. You noticed yourself that I suffered all the time, how can you not believe that my feelings are honest with you? Levi... I love you. "
"Tch ... hard to believe after everything that happened between you and Erwin and after you've lied to me for so long. If you love me, how can you have feelings for Erwin? Did you think you can drive on two tracks and nobody notices? That's not how it works! Open your pretty eyes! You fucked up. "
"It's not like that! I'm not a cheater ... I never was and never wanted to be. Do you think I chose to fall in love with Erwin? Do you think I'm doing this on purpose just to torture you and me? You have no idea how much I have suffered in the past few weeks, how much I have martyred my brain to come up with a solution or a way out, but I did not find any. I don't know what you want to hear from me, Levi, but I have no idea how I can love you and have feelings for Erwin as well. I don't know ... This is the only truth I have for you. What do you want to hear from me? I just do not know!"
"What I want? I want you to decide! I, or Erwin? Tell me. You cannot have both. Life is not a fairy tale in which you sing a song and Alakazam! Everything is perfect. You make decisions, and you have to live with the consequences of them, that's how it works. In the best case, you make the decision that you'll regret the least. So: what should it be? If you choose Erwin, I am gone and you will never see me again. If you choose me, I expect Erwin to clear the field once and for all and stay away from us. That is my condition. I have already resigned myself to the fact that he is no longer my friend after everything that has happened. What about you?"
I gave her an ultimatum and expected her to decide, at best for me. I would be willing to forgive her this mistake if she honestly feels sorry and takes responsibility for her actions, but it cannot stay as it is at the moment.
Either way, a man, a friend will disappear from her life, whichever it is depends entirely on her.
Silent, but with wide eyes, she looked at me.
Her lips moved as if to say something, but no sound left her throat until she finally put a hand over her mouth with a gasp, visibly shocked.
"Levi, you can't be serious. Do you realize what you are asking of me here? " she whispered through the palm of her hand. She avoided my gaze as if she had been caught in crime in flagrant, and that's when I knew..
She will never be able to make a decision, and her doubts broke my heart.
"Tch. If you can't, fine. Then I see no reason to stay here any longer. If you can't even choose the man you supposedly love, I'm just wasting my time here. "
I couldn't stay here anymore. Every minute longer, I was torn apart more and more. So I turned and went out.
"Levi !! Wait! Please do not go!" I heard her panic while a little later two arms desperately wrapped around mine, trying to stop me, but it was too late. I knew everything I needed to know. Every attempt to move me to think or stay was in vain and only made my heart burst more.
I broke free of her embrace, pulled my arm so hard that it caused her to stumble to the side, slamming her shoulder against the door frame and she whined in pain. But I wouldn't help her this time.
Part of me wanted her to suffer! Part of it wanted her to feel the same pain that she inflicted on me.
"Do not touch me! You should have considered beforehand whether I should stay or not. Your chance is wasted. I think both of us should say goodbye here before it gets ugly. "
"No, no, no! Please understand: I love you! No matter what I feel for Erwin, my love for you is honest. Can't you hear what I'm saying ?! "
The panic in her voice, the way she shook her head in negation, tears running down her swollen face ... I felt bad. So bad for doing this to her and myself. Everything inside me screamed:
'Stay here! Take her in your arms! Find a solution and fight! Fight! '
But I had no strength left. I couldn't go on, so I suppressed all my feelings and turned away from her and put on my jacket.
"It is too late. You said enough. Thank you for a great time, I will always remember it well, but this is the end. Farewell."
Ignoring the sobs and desperate shouts behind me, and without turning around, I left her apartment for the last time as I quietly closed the door behind me, and immediately ran down the stairs.
I only heard her loud cries of agony as I tried with all my might to concentrate on something else, but it was impossible.
Her sobs sounded like screams. I winced at every sound, and every cry felt like a punch into the gut.
I completely broke her.
All the times I promised myself to never let anything bad happen to her, to protect and worship her with all I could give, to be by her side forever ... I would've never thought that I'm going to break this promise one day and be the one causing her so much pain.
Storming out of the building, I turned to the right, where the next pick up point for cabs lied.
I didn't turn around, ran as fast as I could. My mind was deaf. I thought of absolutely nothing, forced myself to keep this state for as long as possible. I felt like I was freezing to death when I stopped. I was completely on autopilot.
When I got to the pick-up point, I took the first cab that stood around, got in, and gave the address that came to my mind first.
A small hotel on the other side of town.
The last place I wanted to be was the penthouse where it all started, and which still looked like a battlefield. The place I once called home.
Erwin was in the hospital, Nina 's cozy, small apartment was forever lost to me, so I had no choice but to take refuge as far away as possible.
The way to the hotel was oppressive. The driver tried to force a conversation on me a couple of times, but I didn't respond at all. Lost in thoughts, I stared at my clasped hands in my lap as my head was about to burst from all the thoughts trying to fight their way to the surface.
I couldn't fetch a clear thought, I was empty and deaf inside, didn't even notice my surroundings when after a felt eternity the driver shook me vigorously that we had reached our destination.
I paid the driver in silence, got out, and stumbled into the hotel lobby.
Luckily for me, they still had a few rooms available.
In trance, I booked a room, nodded in agreement, or replied as briefly and concisely as possible. I just wanted my rest, wanted to get out of this agony. I just wanted to be alone.
The hotel was quiet, empty, dimly lit. No wonder at this late hour, it was after midnight. I was not even surprised that someone was still sitting at the lobby and taking room reservations but took it for granted. I didn't care.
On the fifth floor of the hotel, I finally reached the room I had reserved. With a soft beep, I unlocked the door with the key card I had been given and entered the darkened room. With my back against the door, she fell into the lock.
I was alone.
A loud, deep sigh slipped from me. The silence here was almost gloomy, and when a few calm, clear minutes passed, I finally became aware of my surroundings and the situation.
Carelessly, I reached for my phone to check the time, but as soon as the weak light illuminated the colorful background, a raging, stabbing pain shot right into my heart that made my breath hitch.
There on my display shone the charming and contagious smile of my Nina. A photo I took at the moment when she was not paying attention and where her whole, natural and genuine beauty was revealed. I remembered that day exactly. It was warm, we walked through the city, hand in hand, and when she started to look at something in a shop window, she came back with such a warm smile that within seconds I pulled out the phone and pressed the trigger.
It was the most beautiful photo I had of her. Not even her breathtaking nudity could match the beauty of her honest laugh. And the longer I stared at the picture, the more I realized what I had done, what I had lost.
Never again would I see this laugh, never again would she wake up next to me in the morning, in my arm, never again would she stroke my cheek with her tender, soft hand to wish me a good morning, never again with me in the evening I go to bed and never again will I feel the softness of her skin on mine, never again will I hear her beautiful voice as she moans my name, asks me to beg her to take it faster, harder. And never again will I see her wearing the underwear I loved to see.
Never again.
All my dreams, all my plans for the future, all destroyed within a few minutes, popped like a bubble as if it never existed.
My chest ached so much as if my heart was torn to pieces. I gasped, breathed heavily, panted desperately, grabbed my chest with my hand, and crumpled the shirt in my fist.
Stunned by the unbearable, endless pain, I leaned against the door but my legs gave in. I collapsed on the floor, pulled my legs to my body as the events of the past few hours suddenly unloaded in a single gush, and swept over me like a thundering storm.
My best friend Erwin had taken my beloved Nina from me, I found out that she's in love with him, I had beaten the blonde bastard into the hospital and to top it all off: I broke up with the only woman I could imagine to marry and have a child with.
I couldn't anymore. It was all too much. It hurt so bad, I just wanted to die.
Now in this endless silence and loneliness, I surrendered to my feelings that finally overpowered and defeated me. Still clasping my heart tightly with my hand, I buried my face in the crook of my arm and cried.
Silent, pitiful sobs, born of pain, despair, and loneliness filled the room, hot, wet tears burned on my skin like acid before they dripped to the floor. Until late at night I sat behind the door with no hope of salvation.
"Please ... someone .... anyone ... please help me. Please kill me ... "
Nina P.O.V.
Two days had passed since Levi had broken up with me, and it still hurt like the night when it happened.
It was eight o'clock on a Sunday evening and I hadn't moved much in these two days, hadn't even left my apartment for training.
I sent a message to Erwin that I would like to skip training for the next time, for reasons he will surely understand, but I still haven't received an answer from him. The two small marks appeared that the message had been delivered, but so far they had not turned blue as a sign that he had read it.
I felt worse than ever before, not only because Levi had broken up with me, which I can't really blame him for. I would break up with myself if I could, but I was forced to live with this guilt and shame.
But what made me feel even worse than I already do was that I hadn't received any sign of life from Erwin for days. I was worried that something bad had happened to him while meeting Levi.
If so, it would be my fault alone. I am solely responsible for my suffering, for Levis and for Erwins, none other than me.
I had vomited several times since Friday night because I felt so damn bad and nauseous from my fear, the immense panic, and all the guilt. It had manifested itself so deeply inside of me that I even began to suffer physically as well.
I had hardly eaten anything, and if it did, it came back a little later and took the porcelain express towards the sewer. I drank little, only gave in to the urge when I really felt dehydrated.
I knew I was destroying myself, I knew I was doing bad things to myself, but I couldn't help it.
My mind had withdrawn so far, throwing me into such a deep depression that all attempts to talk good to myself came to nothing.
I absolutely didn't want to see anyone, I just wanted to be alone and breathe. Just like it was before Levi and Erwin came into my life. Now that Levi was torn from me, the man that was the first to fight his way into my life to earn my love after 12 years, I didn't have the courage or drive for anything else.
When I wasn't crying, which I have been doing very often since that day, I was huddled on the couch, passed out from exhaustion before finally waking up after hours in the ice-cold and cruel reality that was now my life.
I could hardly stand it in my apartment, even though it had been my own comfortable retreat for so long, but which was now filled with so many memories of Levi that every step, every look reminded me of what I had lost and who was to blame.
The pain of my loss was deep and I was afraid of going to work in this condition tomorrow.
Lost in thought, I reached for my cell phone and stared at the display.
Almost nine o'clock, but what stung my heart the most was the background image that I had chosen months ago.
It shows Levi and me when I took a selfie of ourselves in the bar where we first got closer, albeit under drunken circumstances.
I couldn't bring myself to remove the picture, any more than to delete all other photos of him that were still in my store. I just couldn't ...
I still loved him so much that part of me simply refused to let go of him. One part was still fervently hoping that Levi would still come back, that the phone would ring at any moment and that his deep, smoky, and oh so soothing voice would be heard on the other end. Hope is a cruel companion. Even if there is absolutely none left, you still refuse to let go of her. Like a lifebuoy, you desperately cling to while drowning in stormy seas.
The longer I stared at the picture, the more I felt tears of sadness gather again and already threatened to break out of me. I sniffled and swiped through my contacts.
Levi's number was still stored there. 'Captain Shorty', as I called him here, and a slight grin stole on my lips, but my fingers were shaking.
I wanted to call him so much, talk to him, hear his voice, but I was afraid. I was afraid of what he would say, or that he wouldn't even accept. Maybe he had already blocked me. I didn't know, but things were unfavorable to me.
I swiped on, and finally found the number I was actually going through the ordeal for.
Erwin's contact details appeared in black and white in front of me and I tapped his number to call him.
As the dial tone sounded, I tried to think of what I could tell him, but I couldn't think of anything. After two days of loneliness, I wanted to hear at least one friendly voice, but Erwin's phone rang and rang.
After the twentieth note, I hung up and I started to worry. It was late and I didn't want to risk meeting Levi when I drive to their apartment. I kept talking to myself over and over that Erwin was already asleep and his phone was on silent.
I hadn't eaten all day, but I wasn't feeling hungry either. I was so sick that the mere thought of eating made me gag, so I finally decided to go to bed and maybe sleep a little, but as soon as I opened the door to my bedroom, it came over me again.
The view of the messy bed brought back so many memories of Levi, how we wallowed in those sheets, loved each other, how he tenderly hugged me here for the first time, how he made love to me for the first time after an eternity of being alone.
Within a blink of an eye, the pain and sadness had overwhelmed me and I broke down again with tears and loud sobs. The sudden flood of negative emotions caught me so unprepared and violent that I ran into the bathroom to throw up.
I coughed, gasped, panted for air while my already empty stomach emptied even more.
I felt so terrible, so inhuman and miserable, I wanted to curl up and just die.
With the last bit of my strength, I got up from the floor, flushed the toilet and rinsed my mouth a few times before dragging myself weakly and discouraged into the living room.
As soon as I walked through the door frame, I got the next blow in the neck. Suddenly the floor was pulled from under my feet as I collapsed bare of any life, falling on the floor like a heavy blanket.
All strength left me, I trembled like leaves and cold sweat formed all over my body. I couldn't hear anything anymore, all the sounds around me were muffled, barely or no longer audible and everything was spinning. I felt worse than before.
A circulatory breakdown.
"Help ... please ... someone, help ..." I whispered whimpering, although I knew that nobody would come. I was alone.
I rolled on my back and put my legs on the small side table, which I luckily had missed during my fall, to lead blood to my brain. Through my first aid course, which I had to refresh every few years, I knew what to do in such a moment, but everything happened so slowly that I lost all sense of time.
I didn't know how long I laid on the floor until my vision and hearing normalized to the point that I dared to get up again, but a look at the watch told me that I laid here for over an hour.
Nobody would have come to help me and nobody would have noticed if worse things had happened.
Whether I wanted it or not, if I wanted to avoid such an incident, I had to eat something no matter how sick I was.
Still dizzy, dazed and shaky on my feet, I shuffled slowly into the kitchen, step by step, always with at least one hand on the wall or something else that I could use to support myself. Even in the kitchen, I was plagued by memories that made me unable to find peace.
With my heart heavy with grief, I now ignored my tears, ignored how warm they ran down my face and I tried to concentrate fully on finding something to eat that did not cause too much effort in preparing, and I ended up with a mug of instant noodles.
Even after eating something, I wasn't feeling any better. Armed with a bottle of water, I went back to the living room, turned on the TV, and prepared myself for a sleepless night.
In the meantime, I had made the decision to report myself sick. For how long? I didn't know it, but long enough to find myself again and get back a little courage.
A big and impossible undertaking, I thought.
I sat on the couch like a doll until the wee hours of the morning, zapping my way through Netflix and Amazon Prime until it was late enough to call my boss to report sick.
He showed little understanding because we were almost in December and the end-of-year accounts were in full swing, but I had no choice.
I left my broken heart out and just told him about the circulatory breakdown and constantly vomiting, and even my boss couldn't deny that my condition was anything but good. Of course, he didn't want me to infect my colleagues and so he finally accepted.
So ... it was 7am on a Monday morning ... I didn't get a single minute's sleep and watched at least 2 anime series from my watchlist. I was now officially on sick leave and should actually go to the doctor to have it certified, but I had absolutely no desire.
I didn't feel like doing anything. Neither Netflix nor anything else. I didn't even feel like playing my beloved computer games. That alone told me how bad it was about me. Heartache is a terrible disease.
I remember the last time it haunted me: The man who lied to me and took my virginity. Back then it was not nice and it took weeks for me to laugh heartily again, but this now was not a heartache like the one from back then. This was mental torture. With every beat of the clock, I felt my miserable existence pass by as my mind separated from my body and remained as a soulless shell.
This was worse than I could ever imagine. My heart was still beating, but every beat hurt like a stab with a knife, and with each stab, I died a little more.
I was just a shadow of my former self: broken, powerless, discouraged, devastated.
Outside, life continued its normal way, people woke up to go to work, to live their lives, but I didn't care.
I couldn't even cry anymore. My eyes felt hollow, like two empty caves, but I felt how swollen they were from all the tears I shed in the past few days and hours.
Now I had the feeling that I could no longer cry, that I was completely dry and could only mourn quietly, just lay there and breathe. My strength was no longer sufficient for more, and this state would certainly not change in the next few weeks.
That was the only thing I was sure of.