"I'm staying forever," I finally said, and he gave me a huge smile. I can't remember if it became slightly awkward, especially when we turned around and all 3 guys were just staring. Q looked like he had been expecting it- Sal must've told him, Murr looked completely shocked, and Joe was eating a bucket of popcorn.
We stood in silence for a moment, before I bowed by head and ran back to the crowd. I got to the door, and Bessy made her way in, giving Joe another huge hug. She's probably the one person that Joe would sacrifice his food for. That's love.
I went out and found Emily, who was sat on her phone. "Do you want to come in now?" I asked. She nodded enthusiastically. "It can't be too long, but come on."
I led her into the door, where there was a big crowd of crew and jokers. Her face was red from anticipation and excitement, but she kept her cool as she hugged the guys.
"It was an amazing show," she said, "me and Olivia saw you in Florida too. But this was even better."
"I'm glad you enjoyed it," Sal said as he hugged her.
They chatted for a while, before Rachel announced that someone was here to see Q. A girl, slightly taller than me, came in, dressed as if she has been on a night out. Her and Q embraced and went to Q's dressing room.
"Who's that?" I whispered to Murr.
"Q's fiance."
"Oh, they got engaged in the summer!" I recounted Q's earlier announcement. "That's amazing. He's never mentioned her before."
"Her name's Mal. She used to work on the show, but moved a couple years ago. Strangely that's when they started dating- after she left."
"She's gorgeous," I sighed, feeling like a double date would only make me feel bad about myself. "They do look cute together."
"Yeah," he muttered, as he was sidetracked by the big crowd in the room.
"They look happy together. Q looked at her like... he couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with her. Do you think..." now I felt stupid for asking, but I was too far in now, "Sal will look at me like that?"
"Are you kidding?" He smiled, "he already looks at you like that. I remember when you were laughing at someones joke, and Sal looked at you that way. He kinda gave your 'secret' away. Made me think if I'd ever get someone to look at me like that." His last sentence was a joke, copying on from what I had said.
"Are you kidding? I've seen the way Joe looks at you. Pure lust," we laughed, "but thank you, I should stop worrying about 'where this is heading' or whatever people say."
"He's a chill guy..." he paused, "well, in some aspects. He likes personality. You could lose your eyeballs and hair and teeth and he'd still feel the same way. Maybe make fun of you sometimes, but don't beat yourself up."
"Thanks. It means a lot. You said you have a girlfriend on stage. I've never heard you mention her?"
"Yeah, we're doing really well. I was hoping she'd come today, but she was busy. I'm seeing her tomorrow. I think we're all off to see family tomorrow."
"I'm glad you've found someone." And our heartfelt conversation came to an end when everyone seemed to have come back into the room. Joe and Bessy were chatting on some chairs in the corner, Emily was talking to Pete and Sal and Q and his girlfriend were hanging around. They made their way over.
"Hi," Mal came over to me, "I'm Mal." It's in those moments you wonder whether to say 'I know' and freak her out, or keep quiet.
"Hi. I'm Olivia. Congrats on the engagement." They both shared the same intense brown eyes, and shared the same intense passion when they faced each other.
"Thank you," she said, but was cut off by an excited Q.
"I did it outside my family home on Staten Island," he said. "I showed her all of Staten Island. All the places I used to go, school I went to, where I crashed my car. We ended up outside my old family home, and the sun was going down and the timing was just amazing. And I asked her to marry me."
It seemed perfect. They held hands and I gave them a happy smile, "you're literally living a dream."
"Not when he's snoring at 3am," she joked.
"Not... all the time. The room was just stuffy," Q protested, and she messed up his hair before walking off.
I looked around, Joe and Bessy were still deep in conversation, Joe intently staring at Bessy as they smiled and held hands. Sal was in one corner talking to Casey as Q came over, and Emily came back over to us.
"Thank you so much," Emily said. "I have to go now though. But it was amazing."
"You're welcome. Honestly, I'm still a bitch for running away, but if you need anything just shout. I will make the journey. Just give me a day in advance."
"It's gonna be a long drive home. But it's worth it. Don't apologise. You've been amazing. Don't feel guilty about staying here. Do it for yourself, don't think about letting other people down." She got ready to walk out the door. "And one more thing, invite me to your wedding." She gave a smile and walked out the door, and that was it. My best friend was going home. But I'd never get to see her. Or my family. Or the sun. Life in New York would be a totally new, isolating experience. I knew no one except this group. I had no house to go back to here, no family. In that moment that Emily shut the door I felt completely isolated. I wanted to run out that door, give her a hug and tell her I won't leave her. That she's the only thing that tethers me to reality- and god knows what I've been doing these past months. But that wasn't reality, just some great dream that was ending now like a burst balloon. I felt my eyes swell as all t he thoughts banged and whirred and thrust around my brain, hitting the sides as if to explode any moment now. The room was so crowded and loud and yet I felt totally alone.
I ran for the door, sobbing with regret. "Emily!" I yelled. The crowd had thinned and only a few remained, but still not enough for me to check every person. I looked for her brown hair and white top, but I couldn't find it. I ran. I ran for the exit and I ran to find her. My eyes watering more with every step I took. I couldn't find her.
By this point I was outside the venue, exhausted and defeated. I had lost her. I sobbed and sobbed and yet tried to stay strong. I had no idea what I was doing. Staying in New York wasn't the sensible option. I couldn't ditch my family and Emily, even if she told me not to feel bad.
God I'm a mess.
I fell to the floor and cried until I had to finally breathe. I could've been there 5 minutes or an hour. But Sal found me. He ran from the exit and stopped just above me, a concerned look spread across his face.
"What's up?"
I wiped my eyes with my sleeve and attempted to try and speak English, "I'm a terrible person. I'm leaving my family behind. My best friend. I'm selfish, staying here. I'm all alone in this huge city."
"What?" He said softly, and staggered to the floor, "you've got me. And you'll meet people here. They're not as bad as people say. You're a selfish person for being perfect for a job and focusing on your career? You're a selfish person for being the first of your friends and family to be brave enough to venture out of Florida?" He took my hand, still contemplating whether to use comedy or a heartfelt moment. "You're accomplishing so much. It took us 20 years for Tru to pick us up. It took you- what- 2 weeks?" I laughed and wiped my eyes again, and he squeezed my hand.
"I just feel in the middle of nowhere. Living in a hotel room. Everyone else has a home to go to tomorrow, family they can't wait to meet again. I just don't know what to do," my voice raised and wobbled in an ugly tone as I admitted that sentence. I really had no clue what I was doing. Jumping from pillar to post with no clue what direction.
"I'll stay with you. Tru can keep your hotel room until you find somewhere to live, or you can stay at mine. If you want, that is."
I took a breath and smiled- although felt like crying from his generous offer. "I'd love that." He smiled too, and we sat there for a while, holding hands and just watching the world pass.