ΩθθΩ women have some desires that only trust can reveal-jeff hood ΩθθΩ
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Bells
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"How are you feeling, Miss Green?" Dr. Kennedy asks.
"Good," I answer simply.
She lifts her gaze to mine, raising a brow.
"Try again," Dr. Kennedy's voice is smooth and calm. "This time try not to lie."
I've been doing these therapy sessions now for two months. To be honest, I do think they're helping. I'm so ready to have my life back to normal. For Oscar and me to be normal again.
Mia had actually come up with this idea. I had confided in Mia that I wasn't ready to be intimate with Oscar and she thought that it might help to talk to someone outside the family. Get some real help. I hadn't liked the idea at first but I trusted Mia.
I trusted that Mia would only suggest it if she thought it might really be worth some thing.
When I say nothing, Dr. Kennedy asks me something else.
"How have things gone with Oscar, lately?" She asks.
Oscar? I grin.
"He's been so wonderful lately. Well, ever since that first date night. He takes me out. We see movies. Go to these ridiculously expensive dinners. The other night we went out to a dance club with all of our friends. He's been so wonderful..." I sigh then. "But once we get home, he puts so much distance between us. If I bump into him in the hallway, he backs away. He'll hold me, for a while before we sleep but after a while, it's like he tries to get as far away as possible."
Dr. Kennedy jots down some notes. Nodding her head ever so slightly. Then with her index finger she pushes her glasses back up the bridge of her long nose.
"Do you think that, perhaps, your young man needs distance from you because...he might be trying to control himself?"
I roll my eyes. "He told me that as far as sexual stuff, he was fine with it, us taking time. I assumed that it would difficult for him, sure, but I don't think that is what all this is about."
She straightens up. "What do you think it is then?"
I bite my lip. "Well, I worry that maybe he...finds me less...ya know...? That maybe now that someone else has been inside me... That I'm somehow ruined now."
Dr. Kennedy sits her note pad to her side table. Her arms cross over her chest.
"Arabella," she says in that calm voice. "We've gone over this. You know that because of what happened you are going to feel some self doubt. But that doesn't make you, in anyway, less worthy. You are not ruined. You deserve love and respect."
I blink at her. Knowing that she is right. I take a deep breath, wrapping my arms around myself.
"And," she goes on. "I think that your young man is trying his best to give you just that, love and respect. Men feel things differently than women do. You know that. Most don't love easily but that doesn't mean that once they do fall, it's not just as intense. I bet that he wants to allow you the distance he thinks you want."
My head titles to one side. "So, he pushes me away because he thinks it's what I want?"
She shrugs. "Perhaps? Have you talked to him?"
"Not really. Not about sex, anymore than that one time. He keeps us too busy and then when we do have down time, he takes off. Working out with Pauly. He goes in the evenings to play video games with Seth. Sometimes he even goes up to the main house to be with Lex. Leaving me alone for 'time' he says."
"Do you think that, maybe it's not you that he thinks needs 'time alone', that maybe he is the one needing space from you?"
I blink. "Maybe." I admit. "But what have I do so wrong that he doesn't want to be spending any alone time with me?"
She sighs. "Miss Green, if Oscar loves you as much as Mia and you say he does, he probably wants to be with you sexually. By finding other things to do, he is keeping his mind off of having sex with you. Are you ready for that?"
I blink at her. "I don't know."
"Alright," she senses my fear, holding her hands up. "It's alright. To be afraid. That will hopefully go away."
Tears fill up my eyes. My hands shake. But I remind myself. This is Oscar. Nothing in this world was safer.
"He's a young man," she says. "And he has a beautiful girlfriend, add it up. You're so lucky to have someone like him."
A grin forms on my lips. She's right. Oscar is amazing.
"What is your goal?" She asks suddenly. "Remember what the goal is."
My goal? It's to build a life with him. To be in a half way normal relationship with him.
"Don't forget that this is a man that loves you. He's proved that, in more ways than one."
"What if I do want it? Sex with him. Is it too soon?" I ask, surprising myself.
Dr. Kennedy gives me a small reassuring smile.
"Miss Green, no one can tell you when it's the right time. You'll just know."
I relax some in my seat. I'll just know, she says.
"Is it bad though? A part of me is still afraid. And the other is begging to be close to him again."
Now she titles her head. "Why do you think it is 'bad' to want to have sex with the man you love?"
I shrug. "I just don't want to rush it. Too much too soon."
Then she grins again. "Then start out small. Work your way up to it. The most recent memories of sex, you have, are horrible. Bring some new memories, good ones. You will eventually replace the bad with good. But do it when you're ready. Don't feel pushed into it. You can overcome this. You're brave. You're strong. You're a survivor. Remind yourself of this."
I do. The whole way home. I drive the car slowly through town. Making my way home. To him. I think about what Dr. Kennedy said. I am brave. I am strong. I am a survivor. I park at the main house. Inside, Mia asks how it went, with a crying baby Lee.
"It was alright," I shrug. "Can I help with anything?"
Mia looks overwhelmed. Sarahbeth tugs at Mia, wanting a cup of juice. I don't wait for her to answer, I just move through the kitchen. Fixing Sarahbeth a snack with a cup of juice. Baby Lee is cutting his teeth, so to say that at the moment he is very upset, is a understatement. I hold out my hands, willing to hold Lee while Mia grabs his medicine.
Lee gives me a run for my money. I don't know how Mia does it all. Takes care of all of us and still tends to her children, even the older ones. I wish I could be like her in a way. Just able to handle whatever life tosses my way.
After Mawmaw comes in, taking a now sleepy Lee up stairs for a nap, Mia is able to relax. I stand at the island in the large kitchen. Mia finishes the apple turn overs, slipping the pan into the oven. She turns, wiping the back of her hand across her forehead.
"Now," she says with a deep breath. "How did it go?"
Trying to hide my grin, I fail.
"Well, she thinks that Oscar is trying to keep distance from me so that he doesn't lose control and ravish me."
She giggles, rolling her amazing blue eyes. "Lord... Do you think she's right? He has been spending so much time with the guys."
"She might be," I admit. "She also thinks that, when it's right, I need to replace the bad memories with good ones."
Mia nods, trying to understand. Then asks me the same thing that Dr. Kennedy did.
"Are you ready to make new memories with him?" Her voice is soft.
Again, the someone else asked the same thing. Am I? It was strange to think but the first rape was far worse. Johnny had humiliated me. Scarred me, mentally and physically.
Jason? He had just gotten started before I hit him over the head. It hadn't been very rough. Like when Johnny raped me. Not that it's wasn't awful, it was, but it wasn't as bad. That sounded dumb. But it was true.
Dr. Kennedy thinks I should replace the memories. Can I do that?
Just then, out of the corner of my eye, I turned to look out the french doors. Oscar. He was in the back yard. Chopping fire wood? Why the hell would he do that? It's the middle of May, for goodness sakes.
Then to Mia....
"I want to be. To be ready. To let go and allow him to do whatever he wants to me," my own words shock me. "I'm sorry. I'm sire you didn't want hear that last part."
He was her son after all. My face turned red as a strawberry. Mia chuckled.
"Don't worry about that. I'm not a fool. I know he can be...well be Oscar. Charming and amazing to most girls. But now he has you."
Oh, yeah. He has me alright. Wrapped around his little finger. And he is mine. The love I have for him is great, that my chest fills too full. Tears gather in my eyes.
"Yeah. I think I am ready."
The words come out but I can't take my eyes off of Oscar.
"They're planning a bonfire. He's been doing so much for you lately, why not surprise him with something 'fancy'."
Now, I look her way. She's grinning from ear to ear. In a mischievous way.
"What do you mean?" I ask.
She gives a lazy shrug.
"There's a lingerie store down towards Maple street. You know the one I'm talking about?"
I nod, my eyes wide. His mother wanted me to go buy something sexy, so that her son could take it off of me.
"Well," she mumbles. "Why not look good? If he's anything like Lex, it'll drive him wild trust me."
"So," I say carefully. "You're fine with me buying something sexy for Oscar?"
She seemed taken back. Then she sighed.
"Oscar's grown now. And he's in love. I want him to be happy. And he's the most thrilled when he has you by his side. I want you, both to be happy."
I understand now. As much as she loves him, she knows that he is no longer a child.
"We should make a play date," I suggest.
Mia perks up. "That'd be nice. Maybe tomorrow? All of us. We can grab some lunch, then going shopping! Besides that I have to start planning Lee's Baptism. It's been put off for too long."
"Sounds like a great plan to me."
Mia runs upstairs to explain the plan to Mawmaw and call for a very trustworthy babysitter. I slip out the french door. Oscar senses my gaze on his amazingly muscled arms. Since he has been working out so much, he's beefed up.
I approach him slowly. Taking one drawn out step at a time.
He slams the axe down on to the stump. Then I stand in front him, waiting to see what he will do. I'm left wanting more, when he kisses the top of my head.
"How did today go?" He asks.
"Feel better?" His finger touches mine. I shudder from the sparks that seem to ignite from his touch.
I sigh.