I never would've imagined that saying "I love you" now would be so ruthless of me.
You have to think—you have to believe I don't feel anything anymore so it would be easy but, why is it so hard to lie?
Hyung I was supposed to say I don't love you anymore that night. I was supposed to deny my love and my longing for you but I couldn't do that. I wasn't even supposed to hold you because it would be harder for the both of us but when I stared at you that time, with the moonlight hitting you like you're its favorite and the city lights reflecting in your eyes the thought that I might never be able to see that again crossed my mind and I couldn't take it.
And when I finally had you in my arms, god knows I didn't want to let go and I almost didn't.
How am I supposed to live without having you inside my arms again? The image is so fucking terrifying hyung, but having you be in possible danger because of me is even more terrifying so I had to let go.
But why did you have to ask what was wrong?
I had to hold myself back, Yeon-ah, summoned all of my remaining self-control not to spill everything right then and there.
And I was so stupid to press my lips against yours.
That was almost the last straw for me, hyung. You have no idea how much strength I needed to pull away fast because if I went on, I might have changed my mind.
And all I could say was I was sorry like the fucking coward I am.
Because that's the only thing I could say—and that's the only thing I'll keep on saying because I'm a bastard who don't deserve you.
I wish I could be a better man.
Then maybe we won't have to end up this way.