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After checking in with Daniel and My dad, I was set to go to Charlottes house.
I couldn't help but feel as if this was a really bad idea.
It was innocent enough, I had a relationship to this family separate from Jackson. Actually, separated twice from Jackson. I was now supporting his little sister and I was very fond of his mother as she had supported me.
It was nothing to do with him so I shouldn't feel bad.
Right?
Anyway, as I pulled up outside his house. Not his house. Charlotte Granger's house. I find myself actually really excited to tell her my progress and explain everything that happened whilst I was away.
So, taking a deep breath I lock my car and make my way up to the front door. We had agreed to meet at her house and discuss things, she even offered my cookies.
Which after hearing the whole, 'Evan didn't like my cookies' story I admit I was a little hesitant to try one.
After a couple of knocks, Sophia opens the door wide and gives me a huge toothless smile.
"Miss James, teachers don't usually come to my house." She says grabbing my hand in her little one and dragging me over to the kitchen.
Being here was hard.
It looked exactly the same to when Jackson and I spent the week together here.
"Ivy." Charlotte greets and smiles at me. "Do you take sugar in your tea?"
"Oh yes please, two if that's ok. I love it sweet."
"Of course." She laughs and then hold up a mug for me to take. "Shall we go and sit outside? It's a lovely day."
I nod and follow her out, the whole time I'm not ashamed to admit that mine and Jackson's memories are playing in my head.
God. I should have told him sooner. But it was just so hard.
It shouldn't be easy to tell someone you cared about that you're leaving.
I take a seat next to Charlotte and Sophia joins her little brother on the trampoline. That's new. I think.
No yeah there definitely wasn't a trampoline last time I was here.
The garden was still the same and the sun was beating down on us just like the last time I was here. It was around the same time of year I suppose.
"So, you got back Saturday?" Charlotte asks and I nod.
"Yeah, we got back in the evening time, and I went and saw my friends round Jayden's."
Charlotte looks as if she knows something and laughs. "Ah. That explains it." She says more to herself than me. "How was seeing your friends again? I'm sure you missed them."
"Oh, it was really nice, I missed them a lot."
"And how are you doing? After the trial and everything?"
I throw her a quick grin. "I'm actually doing really well. Or well this is a really good month, if you know what I mean. Anxiety levels had dropped and I have so many coping mechanisms now I might as well write a book." I laugh and my lips settle on a sincere smile.
"I just want to thank you for how much you helped me back then."
"Oh Ivy, it's making me emotional seeing how well you're doing." She laughs and then rubs my arm in a mothering way. "You don't have to thank me. it was my job, and this makes it worth it"
"Of course, I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate it."
"Mum, do you know where that unit 6 workbook went?" Jackson's voice startles me and even his mum looks surprised.
He walks out into the garden and pauses when he sees me sitting next to his emotional mother.
She told me he wasn't going to be here. I've literally been here ten minutes if that.
"Oh Jackson. I thought you were out." She says and wipes her eyes clearing them of any tears that she had previously been trying to home back.
Jackson makes a noise from deep in the back of his throat, roughly translated to 'clearly'.
"I invited Ivy round for a cup of tea. And yes, I do know where that is, I'll just go and grab it."
"No, it's fine. Just tell me where It is." He says stiffly and I am still sat here feeling as if I had been caught doing something I shouldn't have been.
I shouldn't have invaded his house I guess.
Why would he care? His mother inviting a stranger round shouldn't affect him.
If he didn't care then he wouldn't care that I was here.
"Oh nonsense, you won't be able to find it. I'll just go and grab it, I'll be right back Ivy."
She gets up from her seat and leaves us alone, she always used to do that. Now it's ten times more awkward.
Silence.
That surprisingly, Jackson breaks.
"Why are you here?" He says. "Why was she crying?"
I pause. I missed his voice a lot. Which I know I shouldn't be thinking about, but I am. So much happened here.
"Jackson you said you don't care." I remind him and he shakes his head at me, jaw ticking in frustration.
"I do if you're making my mother cry."
"Oh Jackson you know I'd never, she wasn't upset she was happy."
Jackson studies me quickly and there's no reason to look away. I knew he was studying my face for the truth so I leave myself truly open for him.
"Why are you here." He grits out again and I am so surprised that he's letting me see that he is openly uncomfortable with the fact I am in his house.
He looks stressed and I can't help but worry.
"I just bumped into her. Are you ok?" I ask quietly.
Knowing I shouldn't care if he was ok or not, but caring anyway.
Jackson's eyebrows furrow and the blank look settles over his face again. It's almost as if he goes numb to me, that he just chooses to stop feeling.
"That's none of your business." He says and I sit back on my chair.
I am so confused. None of my business if he's ok or not? I mean I guess so. But does that mean he's not ok.
He doesn't seem ok.
But is that just because he hates me? And he's found me sitting in his garden surrounded by his siblings making his mother emotional.
Because that would make sense.
"Jackson." I stress, my voice coming out pained because I wish things would just get less complicated.
Was I stupid to think everything would just get swept under the carpet when I came back here. That I could just carry on with my life and just move on.
Because I thought that. But here I am, in Jackson's garden chatting to his mum and smiling as his younger siblings play.
And I wasn't here just because I wanted to see his mother.
"Why are you here." He says and I just shrug.
"I came to see your mum. You know how important she is to me."
"And you couldn't have invited her to your new house?"
"We are still in the old house." I say and he furrows his eyebrows.
"I thought you would have sold it?"
"No it was too important to my parents to sell, they wanted it in case we came back."
"You told me you weren't coming back." His voice is deep and nonchalant, but he is talking. We are having a conversation.
"I said and did a lot of things I am not proud of last year." I say and he takes a step back immediately. His body language saying that he does not want to have this conversation.
And I think then it dawns on me that somethings not right. I just. I don't really know what, but as he steps back it's as if he doesn't want this conversation, not because he just doesn't want to talk to me, well that's there, but it seems more as if he can't handle anything else.
What is going on.
"There you go hun." Mrs Granger says and hands him a flimsy looking text book. "I made you tea if you'd like to sit with us."
"No thanks, sorry. I have to get this done." Jackson mumbles and walks back inside. Leaving me with a pit of unease.
Charlotte sits back down and sighs heavily into her mug, looking at her children playing somewhat roughly on the trampoline.
"Is he ok?" I ask, my voice small. Knowing I was being intrusive, knowing I shouldn't ask.
"Who knows." His mother sighs and I cock my head at her. If anyone would know it would be her. She was his mother and a guidance counsellor for goodness sake.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I'm sure as you know, my Jackson is hard to read. He is probably fine." She smiles and it takes me everything I have to hold a small smile on my lips and not immediately frown at her words.
He is not that hard to read..
He hides things sure, but I haven't even been back a week yet and I knew he wasn't doing ok. I mean that could be because someone that hurt him has suddenly come back into his life but I just- there's something more.
Or maybe I just want there to be something else so I don't have to keep feeling guilty.
I don't/ should not feel guilty.
Bullshit.
I could tell Jackson wasn't ok by the look of numbness on his face and I refuse to believe I am the only one that sees it.
"Oh. Ok." I say and look back towards the children as a cry of attack is heard.
Goodness me, little kids are like mini beasts.
"I had Sophia in my office today." I start and Charlotte's nods, suddenly remembering the reason why I am here.
"Oh. What do you do at the school?"
"I help Daniel, Mr Gunna. He's the head of wellbeing and behaviour."
"Oh ok, and Sophia was in trouble?" Charlotte looks concerned and partially confused.
"Not at all, she was sent to us because she was rather upset over some friendship troubles with another little boy? And I was just actually needed to ask your permission to start friendship mediation between the two them."
"Oh! Yes, she was upset about that last night as well. We baked cookies for him. What do you want to do with them." She asks.
Tapping my bag next to me I explain. "I haven't actually been through the activities yet, Daniel will be leading the sessions. But the boy has had a few other behavioural issues and we think it will be beneficial."
"Oh, well count me in." She says and then we're greeted by a unfamiliar male voice.
"Hey." I look up and immediately know its Jackson's dad. I recognised him from the drawings Jackson showed me. Oh shit, that's why Sophia looks so familiar too. Her face had just grown up a little bit as most of the drawing were off when the little girl was four I'd say.
"Hi hun." Charlotte greets her husband and he smile at her then his eyes find mine.
"Oh hey, sorry I didn't know we had company."
"This is Ivy James, she was one of my students last year. We're just having a little catch up."
Something flashes in Jackson's father's eyes and although they are dancing with amusement I almost flinch at his words. "Oh yes, are you the girl that broke my son's heart?"
I stare at him shocked and when he goes to shake my hand I move my eyes from his to his hand.
I see where Jackson gets his bluntness from.
"Oh-I'm sorry." I start and stumble over my words and place my hand in his.
"Hun." Charlottes voice is stern and Jackson's father immediately looks confused.
"She knows I was only joking around. Don't you Ivy."
"Oh. Sure." I say and half smile at him.
I can't blame him. I'd be protective over Jackson too.
Oh god.
Ivy get a grip. He's literally none of your business anymore. Plus, you've moved on.
Just because I have moved on from my deluded feelings for Jackson, doesn't mean I can't care about him as a friend... surely?
We sit and chat for a little longer, Jackson's father despite first impressions, is actually a very pleasant man and half of that conclusion came from the way both his younger kids came running to greet him.
There was a lot of love here, I wondered if Jackson could feel it too.
"Is it ok if I use your bathroom before I go?" I ask politely and stand up.
"Oh yeah, the one down here is getting some work done though so it's up the stairs, the first door to the right."
I knew where it was. I had made myself at home here with Jackson when they had gone away. But of course, I didn't mention it.
"Okay thank you. I will just be a second."
Taking the stairs, I close my eyes briefly when I climb them. If anyone saw me they would consider me very strange.
But all the memories just give me a headache. They don't make my heart squeeze in longing or my body tingle in recollection. It wasn't like that. They just exhausted me.
Doing my business, I quickly rush to get back down stairs before Jackson witnessed me anymore implemented into his house. He wasn't a fan that I was outside let alone upstairs opposite his bedroom.
But of course, as I shut the bathroom door behind me, Jackson opened his bedroom one.
He doesn't say anything. Just looks as me unentertained.
I suppose it does look a little much.
"I was just using your bathroom." I explain.
He opens his palm and gestures towards the stairs, indicating for me to go first.
Walking down I say, my back to him.
"Your dad addressed me as 'the girl who broke his son's heart'.
Jackson makes a noise and it's almost an amused snort. But it never quite makes it there, he stops himself.
He doesn't reply.
And I just go to leave, calling out good byes to the rest of his family.
"Myself or Daniel will be in touch about Sophia." I smile to Charlotte and then nod down to Sophia.
"We are going to figure this all out." I smile down to the little girl standing by my hip.
She wraps herself round my middle in a tight hug and Charlotte and Paul laugh gently. I almost melt.
"Who's Daniel." Jackson says suddenly and I whip my head back up to his. He was standing leant against the banister, observing my interaction with his family.
I had almost forgotten he was there.
"A teacher at Sophia's school." Charlotte explains and Jackson's eyes leave hers and meet mine.
At least he's looking at me now.
The thing is, when Sophia hears Jackson's voice, she clutches my top tighter and I frown at her instinct.
Jackson notices it too and he looks as if he's been kicked in the teeth.
But then Sophie does something a little unexpected and leaves my side and goes and leans up against Jacksons. And his face is a picture of relief when he wraps an arm around the little girl.
"Do you know my big brother Miss James?" She asks so freely, and I wish she had asked him instead. I wish he would be the one to have to explain to this little girl that he did in fact know me.
Or well, would he just say no?
I wonder.
"Yeah Sophia, I do."
"How?" She asks and I find my eyes lifting to meet his.
Why do kids ask so many questions?
"He was my best friend when I was younger." I say, there's no better way of putting it.
Honestly.
How else should I have explained our relationship?
Jackson jaw ticks again and I wish he knew that I wasn't trying to torture him Even though that's exactly what it seemed like I was doing.
I even hear Charlotte breathe out in release of the tension that Jackson and I's staring had created.
"Oh! I thought Jackson didn't have friends." She mumbles more confused to herself than us, and I can't help but laugh a little. Softly and inoffensively.
Jackson looks almost amused but it's only because he's looking down at the little girl. "Sophie, I do have friends, they're just older so I don't bring them round to play."
Apart from the girls, huh?
Jeez Ivy. Have you ever heard of a grip? Maybe you should get one.
"And Miss James is your friend?" Sophie asks and I immediately feel stressed at her question.
"Mhm."
What? My head snaps to his and he isn't looking at me, all his attention is on Sophia but did I hear that right? He actually agreed?
"We used to be." He says and his eyes meet mine.
I am not ashamed that I'm on the verge of being emotional, I don't know what I'm feeling... but it isn't good news.
"I have to go, I'm sorry." I smile at his parents and give Mrs Granger a hug goodbye.
"Give me a call if you need anything Ivy." She smiles back at me and I nod.
I don't look at Jackson again. I just bid goodbye to Sophia and nod in the direction of Jackson and go.
I needed air.
For goodness sake.
Why do I feel all messed up inside?
It would just be easier if I hated him. If I was as angry at him as he was with me, but I wasn't. I don't ever really turn to anger.
But no, I don't hate him, he helped me through the worst period of my life, he helped me fall back in love with being alive.
I cant hate him for giving up on us, because I did the same thing.
I cant even blame him for not turning up to the trial, I had abandoned him as well.
But I really don't think this should mean we forgive each other.
I meant it when I said we shouldn't be friends.
And I truly believe that.
It's just when I see him, it's like a habit. To care.
But I know that neither of us deserve anymore pain, so I decide that I will be better.
Better at holding myself back, better at not talking or meeting his gaze. Letting him be, letting him move on.
A/N I know these interactions are a little sad but we are getting there folks :)