WORD COUNT/ 2278
NOTES/ tw;; tsumu yells at reader which causes an anxiety attack,,, mentions of a past abusive relationship
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"then what's the fuckin' problem?!" atsumu yelled, throwing his arms in the air as he glared at you with a fire in his eyes. he was close to letting loose, almost at the brink of slamming his fists somewhere to try and rid at least some of his anger physically as words couldn't project all that he was feeling. he needed to release the pent up rage but he knew that if he did, he would scare you and preventing that was much more important to him than anything else. though, with the volume of his voice, he already knew damage was done.
he saw you flinch, the way your knees shook and how you stumbled back as if you were about to run away. your expression twisted, tears already rolling down your cheeks and your lips quivering in fear. the fear in your eyes was something he's never see before but he knew it may have been a familiar gloss to someone else. he promised himself to never be the one to make you feel that way ever again. he promised that no matter what the situation, he would never scare you or even think about mimicking anything you've experienced. he wanted to be your knight in shining armour, some sort of saviour, but not everyone was perfect and he wished you understood.
"i-i don't kn-know!" you managed to choke out, shaky hands covering your mouth as you tried to muffle your sobs. you were scared to make him even angerier with your crying, knowing that your emotional breakdown was the reason this fight began in the first place. it wasn't your intention to have a bad day the same time he did. it wasn't your intention to feel like the worst person alive the same day he did. it wasn't your intention to bring him down at all or make his day even worse. "i don'tㅡ i d-don't know!"
"babyㅡ" atsumu sighed out, running both his hands through his hair and clutching fistfuls. his voice was much quieter than before but it didn't do anything as he could see ㅡ feel ㅡ that what he yelled at you was replaying in your head like a broken record. he wanted to take you in his arms but he knew he couldn't just put his hands on you. "baby i'm so sorry i didn'tㅡ" he took a step forward and you took one back, almost stumbling over your own feet. his breath hitched and his heart missed a beat.
"d-don'tㅡ" you whimpered, holding your arms out to stop him. he was meters away yet he could still see the shaking of your body, hear the unevenness of your breathing, feel the way your heart had been broken by him. "please don-don'tㅡ"
he could only nod, bringing his hands to his side and remaining steady. he had to show you he wasn't going to do anything and listened to what you could muster out in your state of panic. he had to work with you and let you calm yourself down because he knew that he couldn't help the way he wanted to. so he stayed still, watching you closely with concern reaching every corner of his body, then watched you turn and run away to hide.
you had fallen once and his instinct was to run to you but he bit his lip and clenched his fists to keep himself steady. it hurt him to see just how capable you were in a time like this. how many times did you have to go through an anxiety attack alone? how many times did you feel like nobody cared? how many times did you have to pick yourself up because gentle hands couldn't? he wanted nothing more than to hold you and tell you he didn't mean to yell. he didn't mean to get upset. he didn't mean to make you feel worse. he didn't mean to make you cry.
he wanted to tell you that he loves you to all the stars and back, that you mean the world to him and that there was nothing in the entire universe that could make him want to leave you. you are his forever and seeing you scared, fall and have to pick yourself up because you felt like he might end up hurting you, it broke his heart.
once you were out of sight, probably hiding in the bathroom or the bedroom you two shared, he let his legs give out and dropped to his knees. his breathing became uneven as tears streamed down his cheeks.
"fuck!" he hissed, covering his face with his palms and leaning forward to hunch over, "fuck! what am i supposed to do?!"
he's never sobbed like this and if he did, he imagined you to be there for him. you to stroke his hair, rub his back, whisper sweet nothings and tell him everything was going to be okay. without you by his side, he couldn't imagine how he was ever going to get himself together. who else was he supposed to call out to? sometimes even his twin brother couldn't be there all the time the same way you tried your hardest.
it wasn't the same, it will never be, but he was all he could reach out to.
his shaky hands hurriedly grabbed his phone out of his pocket and dialed his twin brother's number, one of the few numbers he took the time to remember. the ringing replayed three times, his chest getting tighter after each one, before he heared his brother pick up. the calm greeting brought atsumu some sort of comfort.
"whats up tsumu?"
"i made her cry," was the first thing that came out of his mouth, skipping the plesantries as he had no intention to butter up his brother for a conversation he desperately needed, "i got mad and i came home pissed and she was having a bad day and we started aruging and i couldn't control it i was just so mad iㅡ i yelled at her dammit! fuck!"
"and you're yelling at me," osamu's smooth voice mumbled from the other side of the line, "breathe for me, would ya? everythin' is gonna be alright."
"but iㅡ"
"but i nothing," osamu interrupted, clicking his tongue. he took note of the way atsumu's breath hitched and let out a small sigh as now even he began feeling a little overwhelmed. it wasn't often atsumu came to him like this and he knew he had to comfort him but also straighten him up for you. "you can't play victim here tsumu," osamu continued softly, "don't you think y/n knows you aren't perfect? that of course one day you might yell at her? you're an irritable guy and if she thought she couldn't handle it, she wouldn't have given her heart to you."
atsumu closed his eyes and exhaled deeply like his brother had instructed him to, picturing a koi fish swimming in a figure 8 like you had once told him you did. he remained quiet, letting the words he neeed to hear sink into his mind to reassure his worth and his efforts, that he wasn't going to be someone you couldn’t trust anymore because he let his voice slip.
"obviously it's something to work on and now you realize that, don't you?" osamu continued on, voice still soft, "she's probably known that one day it would happen but probably didn't expect it today despite potentially preparing for it... did she run away from you?"
atsumu mustered out a weak hum.
"give her some time, say maybe 7 minutes, and head over to wherever she is. she's a big girl, she knows how to calm herself down, and once she reaches some sort of calm, you know you can hold her again."
atsumu knew osamu was correct but at the same time it didn't feel right for you to be able to calm yourself down on your own at a time like this. he wanted to be the one to hold you, help you breathe, ease your shaking. he wanted to tell you he loves you, that he will always be there and that you are a love that he will cherish forever. but he knew that space right now was what you needed.
"okay," atsumu sighed out, collecting himself and sitting down with his legs crossed, "you're right, sorry about that..."
osamu hummed and shook his head though atsumu wouldn't be able to see it. "it's okay. i'm always here tsumu. do you want me to stay with you for 7 minutes?"
atsumu hummed. "no... thank you though..." he sniffled and wiped his face with the back of his hand, "i'm gonna go grab her a glass of water and... and something to eat or something."
"alright. don't worry too much, you both will be okay."
the called ended and atsumu took a minute to sit by himself in an empty silence. he let his mind wander, thoughts about you spinning through his head with the hope that you and him were going to be okay. osamu was right about you knowing he was irritable but there was no excuse to yell at you.
"i'm an idiot," he told himself before pushing himself to get up and grab the glass of water he said he would. he took his time, eyes watching the time to make sure he really gave you the space you needed. there was no hesitation, however, for him to make his way upstairs where he knew you'd be.
all the doors were open, nothing closed for you to hide behind. he knew this was a call for help, that you weren't going to shut him out, and that he was still someone you could lean on. his chest tightened and he wanted to cry again but held back, knowing that it was you who needed his shoulder to cry on.
"baby?" he called out softly.
he heard you sniffle and walked right into the bedroom you two shared, seeing you seated on the floor with your head against the mattress.
"can i come in?"
you nodded through your shaking.
"i got you so waterㅡ" atsumu swallowed thickly, his words clogging in his throat. he set the glass and plate down on the nearby nightstand. "and...and i made you some toast in case you needed..." he took in a breath and blinked away the tears in his eyes, "something to eat..."
you nodded once again, burying your face against the mattress, still unable to face him just yet. and because of this, he sat himself down beside you with a distance. when you were ready, he told himself, you'll come into his arms.
"i'm so sorry y/n i should have had more control and i shouldn't have lost my temper on you." his brows knitted upwards and he bit his lip, tears once again blurring his vision, "baby i didn't mean to yell at you. i was mad and i promise i'll deal with it differently. i would neverㅡ iㅡ" he sniffled and wiped his tears away, easing his breathing so he could get his message across. "you're my world, y/n and i want to keep us going."
he knew you were listening and that was enough for him to bring his apology to a pause. he waited for you and you did your best to relax for him, the both of you seated in a heartbreaking silence that echoed your shaky breaths and soft whimpers.
it felt like an eternity before you were able to lift your head and face atsumu.
"can i hold you again?" he asked as soon as your eyes met his.
you nodded weakly and this was enough for him to reach out to you and place his fingertips against your skin, touch gentle but cold. he touched you like it was the first time, treating you so gently that it would seem like you were a porcelain doll. he brought you into his embrace, settling you on his lap, and holding you secure against his body. yours moulded perfectly into him, a feeling he found to cherish much more in this moment, and his arms pulled you just a bit closer.
"i'm sorry," he repeated for what seemed like the millionth time, "i'm so sorry."
"me too," you whispered against his neck, "i didn't meanㅡ"
"there's nothing to apologize for," he reassured you quickly, "it's not your fault, it wasn't yours to begin with, and it's mine for getting upset when you were just trying for me. so please don't think it's your fault. i'm sorry for bringing the situation to this, and i promise you i'll do my best to think clearer... so please forgive me..."
you only nodded and held him as tightly as your numb limbs could let you.
he didn't need to hear you say anything in return, he didn't need you to tell him it was okay or that the both of you were okay. the feeling of your hands slipping under his shirt to touch his skin was enough. the softness if your touch, the welcoming of intimate contact, the trust you put in him for holding you in such a vulnerable state. it was enough for him to know things would be moving towards being okay.
much like you did, he slipped his fingers underneath your shirt. you paid no mind to his cold hands against the small of your back, instead hoping that you could be the one to warm them for him. he pressed his hands against your skin, taking in your warmth and rubbing small circles with his thumbs.
"i love you," he told you against your head, lips pressing against your hair, "so much."
you hummed. "i love you too."