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"So how was your night?" Cole asks over the phone as I lay myself down in my old bed.
Mum had gotten me from Jayden's at about half eleven, most of my friends actually went a little earlier but Lucy, Max and Jayden and I stayed behind a little bit, just chatting amongst ourselves.
"It was good. Very tiring." I say as I snuggle up, the wine from earlier making me sleepy.
"What did you do?" He asks and I smile.
"Well I personally drank a bottle of wine and tried to not glower at people."
"Ivy." He laughs. "And why would you be glowering?"
I sigh. "It was actually really nice being there, everyone was so much friendlier and warm than I remembered. And there were new boys so that was fun."
"You're breaking my heart."
"Cole." I laugh and he chuckles.
"I'm glad you had a good time. Are you going to elaborate on the whole glaring thing though?"
In bed I bring my hand to my face and rub my eyes. "It was harder than I expected, seeing him."
"Jackson?"
"Yeah."
"Hard how?" Cole asks and I honestly don't know.
"I guess It's just when I moved away, I was able to trick myself into believing I didn't care. Not trick myself exactly, it's just I moved on. I didn't have to see him."
"And have you not moved on then?" Cole says and I shake my head.
"It's not that. I don't want him or anything, it's just we were close yanoe? Before anything else, he was my best friend."
Cole coughs and I role my eyes, hoping he can sense it through the phone.
"Best friend. Excuse me I hold that title." He says.
"Oh shhh, do you understand though?"
"How did he react to seeing you then? Was he angry?"
"No, just no emotion at all. Like not even blank I don't know how to explain it. He just didn't care. It was as if I was a stranger to him."
"A stranger?"
"Yeah. When I first saw him again I felt as if I was drowning under all the waves of words I wanted to say, and then when I met his eyes, there was nothing there. He just acknowledged me as if I was a new member of the group."
"Fuck." He says and I smile. We always empathised with each other, if he was hurting then so was I, and vice versa.
"It's fine, it's easier this way. It's been a year, I'm just feeling like this because of the wine and the fact it was the first time."
"That might be true Nena. How tipsy are you?" He asks suggestively and I smile.
"Not tipsy enough for phone sex Cole. And plus haven't you just got home from Stacey's."
"I got home like five hours ago." He chuckles and I let my eyes drift closed.
"Still no."
"I didn't ask." He hums in amusement and I snuggle deeper into my covers. This bed was so much comfier than the one in St Patricks.
"You'd love this bed. It is so comfy." I say and he huffs.
"Don't get me thinking about you in bed." He chuckles and then says "Plus, I'm visiting soon anyway, we will test it out then."
God damn it, I know when he comes down it's going to be really hard not to hook up with him.
"I am doing no such thing." I say and smile when he laughs at me.
"So, what are you wearing?" Cole says and I laugh louder than I should at 1AM.
"I'm going to sleep."
"Aw damn. Sexy."
"Cole."
"Goodnight Ivy." He says and I smile.
"Sweet dreams." I whisper and hang up the phone. I don't even bother to put a tv show on for background noise, I close my eyes start to drift off and let my thoughts flow freely.
I had to let Jackson into my head, in order to set my emotions back straight.
And so i thought about it, i let myself think about everything that happened between us last year. In order for myself to come to the conclusion that i had to let it go.
I have to let it go, the way he used to look at me, the way he used to kiss me, the way he used to touch my waist and pull me close. I have to let it go because seeing him pretend I don't exist, seeing him do that with someone else hurts.
And I only just fixed myself back together again.
........................
The next morning, I threw on some comfy shorts and a crop top and got to work on my room. Listening to music and unpacking, I danced freely around my bedroom.
I probably should have had a wine headache but my tolerance was pretty high so it didn't hit me in the mornings that often.
Apart from that time Cole and some of his friends took me to that bar in St Patricks and we did way too many tequila shots. That was a mess. Especially in the morning.
"Hey hun, need any help?" My dad says and I nod.
"Sure. I've actually been up for ages, look how much I've already unpacked."
"Yep I heard your music when I woke up. Gathered you were up."
I smile sheepishly. "Oh, sorry."
He laughs at me and walks over to my shelves. "Shall I just start unpacking this box onto here." He says and I nod.
"So how was Jay's?"
"It was actually really good Dad." All the anguish I felt over Jackson last night had disappeared in my sleep.
I was fine, it was just the wine and the emotion of seeing everyone again.
I could deal if Jackson didn't want to be my friend. He doesn't owe me anything and also, he hurt me as well.
I guess I forgot about that last night.
"Oh good. Have you got plans for today?" He asks and I shake my head not really.
It was a Sunday and I had done all my school work a couple of days in advance so i could have the weekend free to move and a few days to settle in before i needed to get back to home schooling.
"I was just planning on unpacking and maybe asking Lucy and Nora to go for coffee."
"Oh, that sounds nice. But I'm going down to the school at about twelve to get myself sorted and look around properly. Did you wanna come with me?" He asks and I nod.
When I was away I started to volunteer with the wellbeing team in the school my dad worked at. It was actually the best thing that I have ever done, and I became sort of the prime person for middle schoolers to come to when they were struggling or when their behaviour was getting out of hand.
Obviously, I had a supervisor and after every meeting I had with a child I would write a report and file it so the whole team knew what was happening with that individual.
But everyone in the team said I had a skill for this sort of thing and it honestly melted my heart reading the reference the Behaviour manager gave me.
So, when my dad moved schools he asked me if I wanted to continue what I was doing. And even though it was going to be a lot different because the children were going to be much younger I happily agreed.
I wanted to learn as much as I could, and I could do that by getting to know every year group.
"Yeah that sounds good. I'll come down and then get Nora to pick me up at one ish if she's free?" I ask and he nods at me.
It was only 10am so we stayed and chatted a little whilst he helped me unpack. But after an hour I decided I would get ready and meet him down stairs for a bit of lunch before we left.
I had changed from my comfy clothes to a light high waisted denim skirt and a white body suit. And pushed some sunglasses on my head to push my hair back.
I text Nora the address of the school and she replies saying that her and Lucy will be outside by one.
The school was very small and a lot more intimate than the one I had worked in before. The classrooms were much smaller, probably only appropriate to sit 20 children if that, and as my dad opened up the student offices I realised it was only going to be me and maybe one other member of staff.
"How many days can I come here?" I ask and my dad looks at me sternly.
"Just three. Like before. You have to focus on your school work hun." He says and I frown.
I was never behind with my school work, teaching myself/ video chatting with my tutor was so much easier. I was still producing that same quality work to when I was going to school, at least now I wasn't stressed.
I pout a little but totally understand. He is a head teacher after all, and my father, he knew what he was talking about when it came to education.
"Okay."
"Anyway, I have some papers to sign, do you want to carry on familiarising yourself with the office?"
"Yeah ok, I'll meet you back in your office in a second." I say and bring my eyes back to the room.
It wasn't as colourful as it should be, the desk to the right of the room, organised but also very plain. The desk on the left side was empty and I smiled at the fact was getting my own desk. I would only be working here the first three days of the week and then I had Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday to get my work done.
That was the deal anyway.
Usually I'd come home from volunteering so motivated that I'd stay up till midnight completing as much school work as possible and then had the luxury of having the weekend off.
I knew that I was going to ask whoever I was working with if we could brighten this space a little bit. Not at first obviously, maybe after a few weeks. I just believe it creates a more positive atmosphere.
About an hour and a half later Lucy, Nora and I are drinking smoothies in the little restaurant café I had missed so much. Stars.
"So yeah, he has properly asked me out, but I guess we're just keeping it on the down low. Like he doesn't want me to be overwhelmed." Lucy explains her relationship with Max and me and Nora nod in understanding.
"Who knew it, me meeting you would bring so much joy into your life." I cheekily say and Lucy rolls her eyes.
"You also left me so you also brought me sadness."
"Oop." Nora says and I stare between them wide eyed.
"Sorry." I say sheepishly but my lips tug up at Lucy's grin.
"Anyway Nora, are you still with that boy? The Family BBQ one?" I say, ashamed that I honestly didn't know his name or what happened with them.
I was a shit friend last year.
"Oh no, that didn't last long. I'm not seeing anyone. Boys are boring me at the minute." She explains.
"Boring you?" Lucy asks.
"Yeah for some reason I just haven't been interested."
"Oh, that's fair enough. Boys are shit anyway." I mumble and then wince when both of the girl's eyes meet mine sympathetically.
"Did you end up talking to Jackson last night? I saw you were sat with him."
"No not really. That girl, Hannah came. She's actually really sweet." I say and Nora and Lucy look at each other knowingly.
"Don't get attached Ivy, you won't see her again." Nora laughs and I look at them confused.
"Huh?"
"Jackson sometimes just turns up with a girl, a pretty random one. Hannah has made an appearance twice but I mean there will be a different one next week." Nora laughs and I am so confused.
Hearing that Jackson is still just sleeping around makes me feel sick.
I wanted him to be happy.
"Oh. Damn I liked her." I say, trying to explain my frown.
"Same. But does that mean you didn't get a chance to talk to him.?" Lucy asks and I just shrug my shoulders.
"I said a hello and like asked him how was he. But there's not much to say Luce. It's as if we've gone back to before we were friends, it's like he just doesn't know me. Which I guess I understand. There's no bad blood, It has been a year."
"No bad blood my arse." Lucy says and I smile lightly.
I was trying very hard for everything to just be ok. I didn't need to think about Jackson. I was home and I was going to spend as much time with my friends as possible.
I guess the trouble is that he is also in the group.
But just because I'm there, doesn't mean he shouldn't be. We can pretend like we're strangers if that's what he wants.
"Anyway, steering away from Jackson. Because it depresses even me." Nora says and I smile at her. "Who on earth did you call Babe on the phone the other night?"
Lucy laughs and a small grin sits on her face as I stare back at Nora a little confronted.
"Oh, that's Cole." I say and Nora raises an eyebrow at me. "My friend from back home. Oh well not home, St Patricks. It's weird being here." I laugh and Lucy rolls her eyes at me.
"Friend." She pffts and Nora looks even more curious.
I hear the door open to the shop and although my back is to it, I can tell a few people walk in.
"So not a friend?" Nora says and I just shrug.
"No he is a friend, we just used to sleep together as well." I say and Luce gasps in surprise. I hadn't told her that we'd actually passed that place. She just thought I'd been messing around with him a little.
"you slept together!?" Lucy exclaims and then when a voice clears their throat from behind me, Lucy and Nora's eyes meet Jayden's, Max's and Jackson's.
I close my eyes and cringe. I guess they all heard that.
Awkward.
"Hey, how come we weren't invited to this little outing." Max says and gives Luce a little hug as he sits down next to her, leaving Jackson and Jayden to come and sit down either side of me.
I think I'm going to explode.
Jesus get a grip. So, what if he's sat down next to me it's fine.
"Oh sorry, we just had some catching up to do." Nora says and smiles kindly at both of the boys in front of her. Jackson doesn't meet her gaze but instead focuses on drinking his coffee.
"Ives are you coming back to school?" Jayden asks suddenly and then all eyes are on me, apart from Jackson's of course.
I wonder if it bothers him that Jayden calls me Ives.
It doesn't, why do I keep thinking little things like that. Jesus.
"Oh. Nope. I'm carrying on with home schooling and I'll be going to work in my dad's primary school." I say and Nora cocks her head at me.
"So you're back but I don't even get to see you at school?" She says and I just shake my head at her apologetically.
"Sorry, school's too triggering so there's no point." I explain and Jayden nods in understanding.
"Wait what did you mean by working in your dad's school?"
"Oh just that, home school was boring in St Patricks so I needed something else to do and because of well everything, my dad asked if I wanted to help out in the school's wellbeing team there. So now that we're home he said I can do it here too."
Everyone nods in interest and I can tell Jackson's listening too. He isn't looking at me, but his hand had paused on his phone.
"Oh! So like Jackson's mums' job?" Max asks and I look at him and nod. Yeah, I guess so.
"That reminds me." Nora starts looking at me in reassurance that she was going to pull her the conversation away from where It was now. "Jess and Faye are promoting at a club night in town on Saturday, are yous all in?"
Max asks her more about it and she starts explaining but my attention is drawn to Jayden as he nudges me.
"Who are you sleeping with?" He whispers and although his words seem possessive, they're coated in a tone of genuine friendliness and curiosity.
"Nobody Jayden." I say and give him a pointed look. Jayden was my ex-boyfriend and that enough should be awkward, but it was more to do with the fact I knew Jackson could hear despite Jayden's whisper.
"I heard what Lucy said." He laughs and I just smile sweetly at him.
"I'm glad your hearing is in check Jay, but remember to also take care of personal boundaries." I say and move away from him slightly.
But my doing this meant that my thigh was now pressed up against Jackson's leg and I felt my breath fall short.
"Ivy? Are you up for a club?" Nora asks suddenly and my attention snaps up from the way my skin is pressed against his leg and meet her gaze.
"Pardon?"
"Clubbing? Saturday? It will just be me, and the girls. Everyone else is busy." She says and I smile at her.
"Girls night" I nod and then my heart thuds then Jackson takes one hands away from his phone and places it on his lap under the table.
Is his heart pounding like mine? This is ridiculous. But we are sat so close now that I could smell him. He always smelt the same, and I had no idea how to describe it. Almost sweet and salty, reflective of the wind and water.
"Oh good! I didn't know if you were comfortable clubbing." Nora says and I just shrug and try not to let my words fail me and I feel his fingertips edge closer to my skin that was pressed up against his leg.
"I don't mind them, I went a few times when I was away." I say and smile at her. Remembering the way Cole and I had danced in a club a just over a week ago, our or well my last night out with everyone.
"Oh that's good." Nora says and turns back to Lucy, "Are you sure you can't come?" She says and Luce explains why she can't.
I try to listen but my eyes fall to Jackson's fingertips that are now pressed lightly against my skin. The sensation is so familiar that it almost hurts. What is he doing?
His eyes aren't on me, or even on his phone. He's just looking straight ahead as if he's engaged in the conversation with Nora but I know he's not.
I watch as his hand slides down between his leg and mine and I keep trying to remember to breath as his palm spreads over my leg.
I had goose bumps and if he would just look down he would see what his hands do to me.
Why am I letting him touch me?
But before I can pull away he grips my legs and moves it away from his. His hands slowly trailing the rest of my thigh and once he reaches the top of my hip, he pushing that away too.
Separating us totally.
Oh.
Ha.
My heart.
A/N: Tell me ya thoughts?