I woke up after having my usual nightmare of Aidan. I didn’t know how long or when Michael let me out of the dreamwalk but I felt his absence, like always. But this time it was stronger, worse somehow.
Maybe it was because I knew it would never happen again.
When I looked at the clock it said four. Three hours of sleep.
I thought about trying to go back to sleep but…it just wasn’t going to work. So instead I stared up at the blue ceiling for a time, the color matching perfectly with the sky at the beach. I felt worse than when I fell asleep and staring up at a reminder of something I would never get back wasn’t helping. In the end I ended up dragging myself into a sitting position, my whole body racked with the shakes.
And that’s where Gregori found me an hour later when he came to collect me. He let himself into my apartment after knocking for five whole minutes without an answer. Picking up on the mood wasn’t that hard and he didn’t say anything to me as he took it all in. I didn’t really look at him, just stared at the wall by the bed, right where I imagined a window would be.
“Geo?”
I glanced in his direction but I couldn’t really look at him. I couldn’t make myself do it. It was all just…unbearable.
“I don’t think I can do this.”
He sat down and continued to look at me. For a second I thought he was trying to catch my eye but instead he just reached out for my hand. I never knew how really comforting someone holding your hand could be until this moment. I let him take it and he started to massage the shakes out.
“What happened?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
He nodded and continued to massage my hand. We sat there for the longest time, neither of us saying anything. But it was comforting, just having someone sit there with me and not ask questions. It reminded me of Luke and how he would always know which subjects to address and which ones just to let go.
“The ceiling looks good.”
I looked at him, frowning. Why was he talking about the ceiling? That came right out of the blue.
“What do you mean?”
“No streaks. I was expecting a crap job but…you should be a professional painter, you know, if this doesn’t work out for you.”
I knew what he was trying to do. My brother and Luke attempted to do it every time I felt like crap. Only difference was Gregori didn’t have the history with me to back it up. I pulled my hand out of his and glared.
“Stop it.”
“Stop what?”
“It. What you’re doing. It’s not going to make it better. It’s not going to work. Nothing is going to work so just stop trying.”
His face took on that stern quality I’d seen so many times with my father. “Would you rather me be mean to you? Yell at you? Tell you what you’re doing is stupid? Because I can if you want.”
“What I’m doing…”
“You’re punishing yourself, for some reason. You’re not the only person in the world, let alone this city, with a broken heart. I know it hurts, I know it sucks, but you have to move passed it. You need to situate yourself so the pain is allowed to abate just a little every day but you’re not doing it. Allowing yourself to wallow and relive every single detail is doing nothing for anyone.”
“You don’t understand…”
“Yes, I do,” he cut me off. “I know what it’s like to have a broken heart but people still expect you to function. I know what it’s like to feel your reality slipping through your fingers but you can’t do anything about it. You’re depressed, Geo. Pills and medicine won’t work for you so you need to find some other way of dealing with it.”
“I can’t…”
“Yes, you can. Whatever happened is in the past now. This is the present, your present. If you don’t work passed what happened back then, your future will be shot. I know you weren’t certain of Guild life to begin with but believe it or not, this life can be a great distraction from what you left behind.”
“It wasn’t supposed to be this way,” I sobbed. “Everything was supposed to even out, become less like a tragedy. Nothing I do makes it better.”
“Then maybe you’re not doing the right things.”
“What else am I supposed to do?” I looked up at him, desperate. “Tell me what I’m supposed to do because I have no clue. Nothing feels right.”
“Live your life instead of surviving it.” He reached out and took my hand back. “You’ve lived through worse things than this.”
“You’re wrong. There is no living through this. I don’t think I’m going to get through it this time. It hurts so much.”
He squished my hand between his, the electric shocks calming my shakes.
“You will. I’ll help you.”
I looked down at our hands and nodded. There was no way he could. I knew that but I nodded anyways. The best thing to do in this situation was to lie. I could at least make him feel like he was accomplishing something. “Ok.”
“First things first. You need to get up. You need to get dressed in jogging clothes and we’ll go for a run. You can take your heartache out on the pavement.”
“Ok.”
I got out of bed, leaving him sitting there, and grabbed some clothes from my dresser.
“Gregori?” I turned to look at him.
“Yeah?”
“Why are you so nice to me?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve always been…nice to me. A little standoffish maybe but…you don’t act the same way everyone else does.”
“Which is how?”
“Like I’m different, weird, strange, a freak. Broken.”
He stood up and dug his hands into his pockets. “I don’t see you that way, Geo. I never have.”
“Why?”
“Because your heritage isn’t your fault and it’s not something that’s weird or strange. You’re not a freak either. Just because you have two parents who are not both Slayers doesn’t make you any less a Slayer. If anything it makes you better. You’ve had to work harder than anyone who is just given the title.”
A small smile crept up my face.
“I hope you remember that later when I’m better than you.”
He grinned and shook his head. “You’re going to have to be better than you are now. I don’t think you can kick anyone’s ass with the training you have.”
“I could kick your ass.”
“Not likely. Now go change. We’re already off schedule.”
“I know.”
I disappeared into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. The small smile had disappeared the moment the door closed and the face of a sad girl stared back at me. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. How could someone haunt themselves?
“You’re not sad.”
My eyes popped open and to my left stood Aidan.
“Oh my god.”
“Don’t freak out.” He held out his hands in a calming gesture. “It’s not what you think.”
I braced myself against the sink, staring at him in disbelief.
“What…”
“I don’t want you to be sad, Ana. Not because of me, not because of him. I’m here to help.”
“Help. Help? How? How did you even get in here? You shouldn’t…”
He stepped closer and that’s when I noticed he wasn’t as…solid as he should be.
“Oh—my god. Are you…?”
“No. No, I’m not dead. This is…all you. All in your head.”
“You’re not real.”
He shook his head. “I’m the physical manifestation of the Aidan in your head. You’re the only one who can see me.”
“Which part?” A tear slipped down my face. “Which Aidan are you?”
“Which one do I look like?” he asked gently.
I tore my eyes from his face and looked him over. Paint spattered pants, graphic t. His fingers were smudged with charcoal and his feet were bare.
I shook my head. “I don’t know.”
He closed his eyes and his clothes changed.
To a tux.
“Why are you wearing that?” I looked him in the eyes. “You shouldn’t be wearing that.”
The corners of his eyes turned down and tears were clearly visible in his eyes.
“I’m the part of him you lost.”
I stared at him, not really sure what to say. My mouth opened several times but closed when I couldn’t come up with anything.
Then Gregori knocked on my door causing me to blink and he was gone.
“Geo? Are you ok?”
“I’m fine,” my voice cracked and I cleared my throat. “I’ll be out in a sec.”
“Alright.”
I heard him back away from the door. I looked back at the spot Aidan was standing in but he wasn’t there. I quickly changed and left the bathroom wondering if I really was crazy.