When I wake up the next morning, it's to an empty bed again. If I didn't know better, I would think that I imagined the whole thing. Part of me wants to just close my eyes and go back to sleep, but the other part of me knows that's not an option.
My head is pounding and one look in a mirror tells me that my eyes are as puffy as I thought they were. I shower quickly grabbing a random clean t-shirt and jeans trying to forget what happened last night. I'm harshly reminded of the blank check that Maddox had given me still sitting in my underwear drawer and I want to do nothing more than rip it up. It's what started this all in the first place. I'm not sure what stops me but I shove the drawer shut to push it out of mind. When I walk into the living room to see the tv gone, my stomach drops.
Everything has been wiped clean leaving almost no sign anything even happened but I know that's not true. I keep hearing Noah's words in my head. I have no idea where he is right now and I don't think I want to know.
He's gambling more money away or getting drunk for all I know.
My keys and bag are where I left them last night and my phone vibrates from inside as I go to pull it out seeing a call from Jupiter.
"Oh finally. I haven't been able to get ahold of you. John asked if you were coming in for your shift and I didn't know what to tell him."
I rub my face and sigh, "Yeah, I'll be there soon."
The exhaustion in my voice is clear as day but Jupiter doesn't comment on it. "See you soon?"
"Yeah, I'm leaving now."
My hair is dripping wet on my shoulders, slowly soaking my hooded denim jacket but I don't notice as I walk down the steps skipping them two at a time. Walking to work in winter with wet hair probably isn't the smartest idea.
The bar is a few minutes in the opposite direction of Jupiter's and I try to keep my mind as blank as possible. There's no point in thinking about last night because there's nothing I can change. What happened, happened.
I look about as shitty as I feel based on John's face once I step into work and he gives me a questioning look as he unstacks the chairs. I ignore him and walk behind the bar starting with washing glasses without saying a word after shrugging off my jacket.
"Hey, you weren't kidding when you said that you were on your..." Jupiter trails off taking in my disheveled appearance. I look over at her and I know what she's thinking.
"I don't want to talk about it," I shut her down before she can even ask. I really don't. If I'd had any idea of what a colossal disaster last night was going to be then I would have just stayed at Jupiter's.
She takes a silent place next to me grabbing a towel in one hand and holding out her other to take the glass I'm currently rinsing. It goes fast with us working and it keeps my mind busy.
Fill the cup up partially with warm water. Swirl it. Dump it. Use a soapy washcloth to remove the rest. Rinse it. Hand it off to Jupiter.
The shot glasses are easier to do because they go faster.
Every now and then Jupiter breaks away to help John with something, and I have to break my rhythm to dry it also. This is mind-numbing and exactly what I need.
When we run out of glasses to clean, I move on to the bar top grabbing a new wet rag and wiping down whatever liquor has been spilled recently. Whoever closed last night did a shitty job of cleaning up because usually all this is done by the time we show up the next morning.
It's still early enough that there's no reason to open the bar and the television in the corner is set to some random news channel filtering some sound into the room. I take a second to breathe and smooth my hair into a loose pony, but it's refusing to cooperate because it's still damp from my shower.
My irritation only grows the more I struggle with my hair. I'm not satisfied until there are no bumps, but the lack of brushing means giving up and letting it wave on its own. I guess it doesn't matter, there's no fixing my appearance now.
Looking down at my clothes, a part of me wishes that I could replace it with the shield of glamorous fabric. I can put up my walls then and no one can break them down, not even Maddox. But right now I'm just me: confused, angry, and hurt.
There's a slight pounding in my head that I already know is due to dehydration. It's my own fault though. No one else to blame.
I walk past Jupiter who is reclining against the bar on her phone to get to the kitchen where Calvin is scrubbing down the grill. "Can I bum a smoke?" I ask ignoring the shocked look he is giving me.
"You don't smoke CJ, it's a nasty habit," He warns and I roll my eyes.
"Please."
Calvin gives me an unsure look, "Just one. Don't get used to it. Pack and lighter are in the pocket of my jacket on the hook over there."
I glance over my shoulder to check if Jupiter heard but then scoff. I don't need Jupiter to look out for me, "Thanks Cal, I appreciate it," I murmur walking towards where his jacket hangs. Both of the items I seek are exactly where he said they would be, and I quickly disappear into the back alley without my jacket.
My hands shake as I light it but a sense of calmness washes over me after the first drag. It's been years since I've smoked but I was lucky enough to never form an addiction. This is familiar.
The pit in my stomach is slowly unraveling with each puff I take and on the slow exhale I close my eyes and lean against the cold brick wall. I don't even care that I'm going to smell like smoke the rest of the day.
I'm not even sure what matters at this point.
It's all just a big fucking mess.
I look at the shrinking cigarette in my hand letting off a lazy curl of smoke just like the candles Noah lit last night did. I'm almost entranced by it, but the thought of last night is a cold bucket of water being poured over my head. Noah's words echo through me and I debate even trying to shove them back in.
He came home drunk after the fight last night but it's what I expected after he ran. Maybe because it gave me a reason to be angry with him? Or maybe it gave me an out.
I'm having a hard time interpreting much these days. Maddox is a gentleman and Noah... I'm not sure who or what Noah is anymore.
It's all complicated.
I flick a piece of ash off the end and I take a long drag feeling the smoke enter my body before slowly blowing it out.
A part of me knows how ironic it is that Noah is an alcoholic and I'm a bartender. The smell of alcohol in the bar is comforting but when it's on Noah? I don't want anything to do with it. Another ironic idea is that he might have a gambling problem and I'm from Vegas. Another thing I want nothing to do with.
Maybe Noah was fine before me. Maybe I'm the one that fucked everything up. I shake the idea out of my head as I drop the butt on the ground and crush it with the sole of my shoe. I don't even care that I smell like smoke when I go back to where I'm blasted by the heat coming from the stoves in the kitchen. I wasn't out there for more than ten minutes but it was long enough for John to decide it was time to open the bar.
Jupiter gives me a worrying look and I smile briefly at her. I'll be fine. I'll tell her later, I just need to work right now.
So I hunker down behind the bar and do my best to dazzle customers with my smile and efficiency when it comes to making their drinks quickly with the hopes they'll forget about my disheveled state. It's not my best day but it's by far not my worst day.
The lunch crowd is busier than normal making it almost impossible for me to notice Noah sitting on the end watching me. His jaw is covered in scruff and if it weren't for the shadows under his eyes, I never would have known something had happened between us.
Stubbornness streaks through me and I'm not enabling him. I will not be giving him alcohol even if its a beer. One beer always leads to another, and then another. It's never just one with Noah.
I get Jupiter's attention while I make a martini and she hovers behind me, "Don't give him anything. He's cut off permanently here." I say it low enough that the customer in front of me can't hear me but I know Jupiter does based on the short squeeze to my shoulder. "Here's your drink, can I get you anything else?"
The woman shakes her head and thanks me politely before going back to chatting with her friend whose drink I had made right before hers.
I tend to everyone but continue to skirt around Noah hoping that he would get the hint I don't want to talk to him and leave, yet he doesn't move from his stool.
Eventually, the crowd thins enough that I have no choice but to go over and ask him to leave. "You need to go."
He flinches at the tone of my words but his stare is unnerving me. "We need to talk."
I shake my head, "I'm at work."
"I can wait until you have a break."
"Fine," I reply shortly turning around quickly to go help some customers close their tab.
When the last few stragglers leave, I let out a shaky breath smoothing my palms over my jeans to make them feel less clammy. I feel like every step I'm taking is one towards doom but I don't know that for sure. It's just an unpleasant feeling causing my stomach to flip flop.
"What?" I ask trying to keep my tone even.
I have to give him credit because he hasn't looked away from me once, "CJ I'm sorry."
"An apology doesn't fix everything."
A muscle in his jaw ticks, "I should never have bought the tv without talking to you first. I was just trying to do something nice for you." This isn't about the television though. This is about Noah and I not being able to communicate. "I lost my temper and that wasn't okay."
I tuck my hair behind my ear, "You're right. It wasn't okay and I appreciated the gesture, but it feels like you're not even aware of our financial situation."
This causes him to sit up straighter telling me I struck a nerve, "I am aware. I know that you bring in a good chunk because of the galas you go to, but I work hard for what I bring in-"
"Noah, I need space. I think I need to move out," I blurt out cutting him off. It shocks me just as much as it shocks him. But I think it's the most honest I've been with him and myself in months.
"What?"
Don't take it back CJ. You can't cave. "We're not in a good place right now and I need space," It comes out slow and I want to cave because of the hurt look on his face. I don't want to hurt him.
"You don't have to do that. Cassidy, we just need to talk and it'll be fine." He's pleading and my heart threatens to break.
I flinch at the use of my real name because it's different coming from him. It doesn't roll off his lips the way it does with Maddox. But right now, Maddox doesn't matter. It's time to put myself first and maybe Noah will finally do the same. "This isn't us breaking up. But I think if we want to continue being together this is something that needs to happen."
After reassuring him that this isn't a breakup, Noah nods in understanding, "Take all the time you need."
"I'm sorry."
He shakes his head and smiles tightly and I know him well enough that it's forced. "Don't be. I'm the one that needs to be sorry."
"Well... I have to get back to work, I'll see you later."
We still can't have an honest conversation where Noah admits his drinking and I admit that I don't know how I feel. I do know that asking for space is something that I need to do to take care of myself. It was the right thing for both of us.
Taking steps away from him is hard but it's even harder when Jupiter finally asks what she's been wanting to know all day. "What happened last night?"
I debate answering her question and instead ask another question, "Can I crash with you for a few days until I can find something else?"
She immediately pulls me into a hug, "Stay as long as you need."
I'm lucky to have Jupiter in my life. So extremely fucking lucky.