Jupiter's apartment is different from mine. Her apartment makes it look like she is staying for a while; it reminds me of Maddox's a lot. I guess it's been a while since I've been here. She walks out with a new glass of white wine filled almost to the rim, "Are you sure you don't want a glass?" Jupiter asks pausing before sitting down.
"I don't think I should, I was more than a little drunk last night." I bring my legs up onto the couch to sit criss cross.
Jupiter gives me a look and sits down adjacent from me. "You hardly ever drink enough to get drunk. Do you want to talk about it?"
One of my favorite things about Jupiter is that she knows when to push and when to listen. "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing."
She laughs shaking her head, "Well no shit CJ, that much was obvious when you were talking to Noah and you went along with everything he said about conning Maddox."
Ouch, but she's not wrong. "I guess I'm just trying to figure out how I feel and who fits into that best. Noah reminds me of home and all the hard work I've done to be my own person. But he just-I don't know. It's hard thinking about not being with him."
"And how does Maddox fit into the equation?"
I pick the chipping nail polish off one of my fingers, "I'm not ready to lose him. I don't even care about his money and if I'm being honest...I wish he didn't have any. Not just because Noah thinks I'm conning him, I'm just worried that we're too different. Money changes people and I know he's a good person; I just know I'm not." I leave out the part where I brought up Ty to him.
Admitting out loud to Jupiter how I'm feeling about all this is making it seem more real.
Honestly, it makes me afraid. "I know that it's not fair to Noah for me to have feelings of sorts for Maddox. I just worry that we've become too complacent. It feels like we're stuck in this cycle of disaster and I just keep enabling him."
The look on her face tells me that I've said too much, "Enabling him to do what?"
I look down at my hands, "It's nothing, I've gone on about me too much. Is there anything new going on in your life?"
Jupiter takes a long drink from her wine, "We can talk about me later. Is there something else going on with Noah that I need to know about?"
"I-I think he has a problem. I wanted to stop the cons a few months ago and he wouldn't let me. He just kept insisting that we needed the money and I believed him, but it doesn't add up. The nights he's gone claiming he's at a friend's and then a few days later I'm getting dressed up for another gala to get checks." I zero in on the gold bracelet on my wrist. "I think he's gambling and drinking more than he should."
I'm afraid to meet her eyes because I know I should have told her but I was handling it. And then I went home after leaving Maddox's and found him passed out on the couch with an empty bottle on the floor next to him. When I searched our apartment, I found plenty of half drank bottles throughout it.
"Hun, why did you never tell me? I just thought you liked getting the extra cash and that's why you did it."
"I thought I was handling it," I shrugged not knowing what to say.
She lets out a shaky breath, "CJ, I had no idea and I am so sorry for not noticing sooner."
She wouldn't have known because I never told her. "Am I a terrible person for not knowing if I want to stay with him?"
It's a question I'd only recently begun asking myself when it became apparent to me that Noah was only continuing in our relationship for the money I was providing.
I make eye contact with Jupiter who choosing her words carefully, "After everything with your mom, it's understandable if you don't. But I guess it all just comes down to if you love him."
Her words are wise and strike a chord inside me even if I don't know how to interpret it. "Thanks, Jupiter. I appreciate it. Now tell me about you? I know I've been all caught up in my own world the last few weeks and I'm sorry."
"Don't worry about it, I've been in mine too. I've kind of started seeing a guy but it's so new I doubt it will amount to anything," She waves it off taking another sip of her wine.
My interest is immediately peaked and I give her a look, "Come on sis, I know you better than that. What's he like?"
Jupiter toys with one of her braids hanging over shoulder, "He's tall and handsome, but also kind and considerate. I'm not sure what to think of him yet but I like spending time with him."
My heart warms for her to hear Jupiter talk about this man because she hardly ever mentions anyone she starts seeing unless the idea of it becoming more is there. I feel terrible that I'm just now learning about him but she wouldn't have told me anyway unless she was ready.
"I think you like him," I say in a sing-song voice.
She rolls her eyes and looks over at me, "Well I'll admit it when you admit that you like Maddox."
I let out a laugh, "Guess you'll be waiting a long time for that."
"CJ I think you forget how long I've known you. But I'll let you come to the realization on your own time."
My retort isn't allowed to happen because my phone starts to ring. I glance at it curiously but my stomach drops when I see Noah's name instead of someone else's.
"Hey," I answer trying to sound upbeat but I think I'm failing miserably.
"Hey babe, what are you up to?"
I glance over at Jupiter who is finishing the last of her glass, "Just hanging out with Jupiter. What's up?"
"Well I wanted to surprise you but we can always do it another night. Tell her I say hi," Noah says kindly but it's hard not to hear the disappointment in his voice. I'm seriously considering punching myself in the gut so I actually have a reason to feel sick.
"Noah, I can come home if it's important?"
His response is quick and teasing, "No, I don't want you to feel like you have to leave to hang out with me. As long as I get to see you at some point tonight then I think I can manage to survive without you for a few hours."
"I'll be home in twenty," I respond and Jupiter looks up at me quickly.
"I love you."
I can't bring myself to say it back, "I know." It's the last thing I say before he hangs up and Jupiter is already on her feet.
"Where are you going?" She asks immediately after I set the phone down to start grabbing my things.
I shrug pulling on my tennis shoes, "Home I guess. Noah said he has a surprise for me."
"Maybe you should just stay here tonight," Jupiter suggests and I give her an incredulous look.
"Why?"
"Because I don't want anything to happen to you."
I know where she's coming from and I appreciate it, but I'm not a little girl. "I'll be fine. It's Noah, he'd never hurt me intentionally."
"That's why I'm worried now. They're called accidents for a reason," She continues and I shake my head.
"It's not a big deal Jup, there's no alcohol in the house anymore. I got rid of it all this morning." The unspoken thought that he could have gone and bought more hangs between us. "I'll be fine," I repeat and she nods slowly.
"Okay."
"Love you, and I fully expect to hear more about this guy on our shift tomorrow."
Jupiter rolls her eyes at me, "We'll see. I love you too CJ."
Her apartment is only a ten-minute walk from mine so I pull my jacket up around my neck to protect myself from the cold. You would think it would start getting warmer since it's April but we still have days where the cold just seeps into your bones.
The cold isn't enough to take my mind off it all though. Kissing Maddox again only made me want more from him but it was more than I'm willing to give. There's so much about him that I don't know and he only knows a bunch of half-truths from me.
I just need to forget about him. It'll stop us from getting hurt because someone always gets hurt. We're not in deep yet, he'll be okay without me.
Too bad forgetting about Maddox is easier said than done. I can still feel the tenderness from when he kissed my forehead. He had no reason to take care of me last night but he did anyway. Maddox is a good person and I'm just lying to him.
If I hadn't met him then maybe things wouldn't feel so up in the air with Noah. I love Noah but I don't know if I'm holding onto to something that's already gone. What if I'm only hurting him by staying?
He has a problem with alcohol and gambling is only something I suspect but it adds up. It all adds up. But Noah never gave up on me after I left Las Vegas so it's not fair for me to bail on him when he's struggling. I just don't know how to help him.
Part of this is my fault, if I'd just talked to him months ago then maybe we wouldn't be where we are right now. I wouldn't be in Maddox's life and Noah and I would be fine.
Everything would be fine.
My jacket isn't doing much to protect me from the cold but I'm not even sure if that's what's making me tremble. It could be the haunting chill of what I've done to my uproot my life the last few weeks finally hitting me.
I woke up in another man's bed this morning, regardless of whether anything happened, it's slowly severing the ties between Noah and me. He has no idea it's even happing and I think that might be the worst part.
I shove my hands into my pockets and focus on the sidewalk in front of me. I've walked it multiple times to go back from my apartment and Jupiter's but I haven't walked it recently. It's lit well enough by the street lights spaced out every few hundred feet but I don't recognize any of the stores anymore.
It's not the greatest area making it an even worse spot to open a store in; yet every few months people attempt to clean up the area. It never works though.
If you look close enough you can see the homeless people camping out in the alleys but I try not to. I don't need to be reminded that it could very easily be me. How that was me.
I open the door myself into my apartment complex, normalcy I didn't have at Maddox's building because there's a full-time doorman.
I prepare myself for whatever Noah has planned. I open the door not entirely sure what I'm walking into but he beams when he sees me enter from where he was coming out of the kitchen. He's completely different than the person I saw earlier passed out on the couch. Night and day.
He greats me with a deep kiss and I'm too shocked by his attitude to do anything but reciprocate. "Hello beautiful," Noah says giving me one more peck before pulling back.
"What is going on with you?" I ask confused as I set my bag on the counter.
Noah moves back to the living room finishing what he was doing while I'm left to follow behind him. My jaw drops when I see a new television set up hanging from the wall and carry out from my favorite place on the coffee table with a few candles set up. There are blankets set up on the couch and he steps to the side waiting for my reaction.
The thoughts going through my head struggle to come out my mouth leaving me sputtering, "What-where-can we..." I don't understand. We don't have the money to be spending on a new tv, it's an incredibly nice gesture but I don't even know what to say.
"Do you not like it?" Noah asks confused and I meet his hazel eyes and see remnants of the person he was when I first met him before the drinking started. Reckless and driven by his heart. I have to tread carefully here. I go to stand in front of him taking his hands in mine, "Noah this is... unexpected. It's a very nice gesture but we can't afford the tv. I was fine with our last one." I try to be gentle when I say this because I don't want to say the wrong thing. I don't want to hurt him. "I appreciate this but we can't keep it."
His face falls and I look helplessly at it, "But you shouldn't have to be fine with it. I promised you that we would have a life that was better than the ones we left behind. You deserve it."
"And I love you for wanting that for us, but we need to take it back. We're barely making our rent and groceries that I don't even know how we could keep it."
This has taken me by complete surprise. I wasn't sure what I was coming back to but this wasn't it.
I watch as his eyes harden, his smile disappears into a tight line, and the voice that comes out is the same one used before I go to an event to get us money. "Fine. I'll take it back first thing tomorrow."
He pulls his hands out of mine and my heart falls because I hate the look on his face. "I'm sorry," I whisper as he blows out the candles and packs up the food, throwing it in the trash as he walks in the other room.
I sink onto the couch rubbing my temples as if it will help me go back in time. I wish I hadn't said anything to him. I wish I'd just let him have this surprise and been honest with him in the morning. He had to know that we wouldn't be able to keep it, right?
"CJ." He says it so quietly I almost don't hear it but I still don't look at him. I don't want to look at him and see the hurt on his face.
"I never meant to hurt your feelings, but come on, Noah. You know that we can't afford it." I stare at one of the burnt-out candles still letting out a lazy trail of smoke.
The sound of Noah's scoff is harsh and I force myself to stay still, "I work enough that I think I should be able to treat my girlfriend and myself every now and then. Or is that only allowed if I'm rich and fancy?"
His words hit me exactly where he knew they would. "You mean I steal enough from people that are rich and fancy? Go. Take my place at the galas if you wish to be the one taking the money but don't pretend that your job is the one thing holding us afloat."
I hold his gaze and it feels like a giant pissing match between us. I know there are tears in my eyes that I refuse to let fall, and his face softens for a moment before hardening again. You stupid fool CJ. Keep your mouth shut.
Noah doesn't respond. He grabs his keys and leaves without grabbing his jacket. The sound of the door slamming echos through my head.
We're a fucking mess and I don't even know how to fix us at this point. How did we get here?
I keep asking myself that question as I lay in our bed in darkness for hours. I keep still once I hear the front door open willing my breathing to even as tears escape my eyes sliding down my cheeks wetting the pillow. It's easy to ignore the sound of him stumbling through the apartment before reaching the bedroom door. The mattress dips when he gets in, shocking me when he pulls me close to him. The smell of alcohol is nauseating but I keep my eyes shut still.
"I'm sorry CJ. I'm so fucking sorry for all of it. For not being enough for you, for not being the man I want to be for you, for everything. I don't know who I would be without you in my life and I'm so afraid of losing you. I'm afraid I've already lost you."
The words are whispered and hang around us as he waits for my response but nothing comes. A lingering kiss is pressed to the back of my head and a lone tear slips down my cheek.
"Goodnight."
I think the worst part about tonight is that deep in my heart, I know I'd rather be laying with Maddox.
That hurts me most of all.