I stood frozen in the living room as I heard Quinn screaming and crying in the kitchen. Mom and Dad were in there with her, trying to get her to calm down, but how could she? How could Quinn calm down with the news she had just been given?
"She isn't dead!" Quinn screamed. "Shut up! I hate you!"
"Quinn, she's gone sweetie," Mom called over her cries. "Please, baby, I know it's hard, but—"
"Hard? It's hard? You're lying to me and saying that my mom is dead! You're saying she shot herself in the head! You're telling me that my mom is dead, and I never got to see her because you're afraid of her! Stop lying to me like this! I hate you! I wish I never came to this stupid house!" Quinn erupted.
"Quinn, baby girl, you don't mean that," Dad said softly—brokenheartedly.
"Get away!" Quinn screeched. "Get away from me!" I could hear her hyperventilating as she choked out the word "no" over and over. Eventually, there was a thump and Mom burst into tears.
I watched with wide eyes as Quinn was carried out of the kitchen. Her closed eyes were swollen, her cheeks red and tear-stained, and her sweat-soaked body trembling. Her pretty blonde hair was disheveled and barely kept in its ponytail, and she was so drained of color that she blended in with her white shirt.
This was my sister. My scared, broken, hurt little sister. She restlessly slept in Dad's arms, which rocked her gently while he walked. He looked at me with tired, blood-shot eyes, then turned away and carried Quinn upstairs.
I collapsed onto the couch and stared blankly at the ceiling. Quinn still loved her mom, everybody could tell, but now she was gone. Quinn was officially an orphan. My other siblings and I still had parents out there, and we're constantly told that we're allowed to contact them at anytime, but Quinn is now an orphan. Quinn can't go visit her parents unless she stands in front of two gravestones.
Why is life so cruel to her? What did she do to deserve this? She's eleven for crying out loud! What eleven-year-old does something so bad that they have to deal with this? Did she steal a freaking cookie from her classmate or something? Knowing Quinn, she would give it back right after and apologize like a broken record.
I cursed loudly and got up to punch the wall, furious with everything. A list of everything I hate flowed through my mind as my fist pounded the wall.
Quinn's mom. Punch.
Quinn's grandpa. Punch.
The bullies. Punch.
Sammy dying. Punch.
Quinn's pain. Punch.
That stupid social worker and her book. Punch.
Me. Slam!
Wait, slam? Why does my back hurt? Why are my hands pinned over my head?
"Mason! C'mon buddy, you have to come back to me!" Devin yelled. I could hear him, but I couldn't see him. My mind just kept on flashing images of Quinn crying. My cheek was lightly slapped until I could see my brother's face. Tears were in his eyes while he looked down at me, one hand pinning me while the other giving me one last light slap.
"Devin?" I mumbled.
"Mason, what are you doing?" Devin yelled at me. "Your hand looks awful! Why were you punching the wall, you idiot?"
"Quinn," I choked out with tears welling up in my eyes. "She's hurting, Dev. She's an orphan, a-and she's all alone. I-I can't even hel-help her."
"Mason, her mom is still—"
"No!" I yelled, cutting my brother off. "She's dead, Devin! Quinn's an orphan! She never even got to say goodbye! She never got any closure! She's so hurt, Devin, and I can't do anything to help!"
"Mason," he whispered, trailing off. "Mason, bud, come here." Devin got off of me and stood up with his arms open to me. "Come here, lil' brother." I stood up, only to collapse into his arms and sob.
"It hurts!" I wailed. "Make it stop hurting, Devin! Please!"
Devin shushed me and hugged me tighter, rubbing my back in soothing circles. "It's gonna be okay, Mace. I've got you, it's okay."
"But Quinn won't be," I argued weakly. "She's so hurt, and I can't do anything for her."
"Yeah you can, Mason. We all can. We're her big brothers, there's plenty we can do to help." Devin pulled away and held my shoulders, giving me a determined look. "We'll be there for her through it all."
"She doesn't want us to be. She says that she wished she never came here," I sniffled. "Did we really do that bad of a job? Are we that bad of brothers that she doesn't love us anymore."
"No, Mason. There's stages to this kind of thing. I kind of remember it from health class. The first stage is...it's denial! Yeah, that's it. She's denying stuff and saying things she doesn't mean. Just give her time, bud. Now let's go get your hand cleaned up, since I'm sure you being hurt won't help the situation."
I nodded and followed Devin upstairs. He ran cold water over my knuckles while grabbing the first-aid kit and cleaning my hand. We were both pretty much silent as he worked, the only noticeable noise being me hissing every once-in-a-while at the pain.
When we went back downstairs, Devin and I both took up our own half of the couch and watched some T.V.. we really just wanted something to distract us from what had happened, especially me. Meanwhile, Mom and Dad left to go talk with Quinn's social worker. They said that we would be able to make Quinn feel better; at least, more than they could.
After a few hours, Quinn came downstairs with red, puffy eyes and an angry look. Devin stood up and smiled at her, opening his arms to our sister. "Hey sis, come here," he said softly. Quinn only glared at him and stormed into the kitchen.
Well, we love you too, Quinn.
"Is this the next 'stage' or whatever?" I asked.
"Hold on, let me look it up," Devin muttered. "You call Alex and Camryn. Camryn's smart and Alex is the favorite, so they'll help more than us."
The two went on some field trip for their college class to—you guessed it—a college. There really couldn't have been a worse time, though. I mean, our sister is trying to deal with becoming an orphan while they're meeting college professors and talking about their future.
All I have to say is: Screw the future!
"Here it is!" Devin turned to me and asked, "Did you get them to pick up?"
"Nope. Does the college not have internet or something? I left a bajillion texts and called at least ten times for each of them," I mini-ranted.
Devin sighed. "Well, I guess we're doing this one alone, huh? Come look, I found what Quinn is going through." We moved to the center of the couch together and looked at the screen of Devin's phone. "First it's denial, then it's anger. That's why Quinn is so mad. She has to take the blame out on somebody for losing her mom, and it's our family at the moment."
"I can understand why. The last time Quinn got to see her mom, she was trying to kill her. I'm sure she'd rather have her mom die when they're on better terms than that," I replied quietly, suddenly feeling guilty. "I feel so selfish for always wanting Quinn to be by me. I only wanted her close because I could protect her that way. There was no way to do that in Georgia, but now she's here with me. It's selfish—she had a whole life built back there, and I'm trying to keep her trapped here."
"Little brother, you make it sound like you just kidnapped her and now you regret it. Now listen, it's not our fault. Quinn just has all of these emotions that are confusing her, so she pushes them all into one category. Anger. She doesn't mean anything she says or does until this stage is over, got it?" Devin lectured.
I sighed and nodded, putting my face in my hands. I felt so tired, yet so wide awake. I wanted to hold my sister—I wanted my arms to be somewhere safe for her to run to and be safe in. I wanted her to be able to cry on my shoulder instead of cursing my name.
I just want to be her big brother.
And—oh my gosh—what a title that is! To be a big brother! I never thought I would be graced with it, but here I stand as the big brother of Quinn Mae Sage. That's the title with a million responsibilities for just one minuscule human. But she's my minuscule human.
Above the skin, a brother is an annoying and rude person that you want to strangle at times, but still like to hang out with. Then you go under the skin, and see what it really is. The title of a protector, a fighter, a helping-hand, a role-model, a comforter, a life-long best friend that will always have your back, and so much more. That's what a big brother is.
I remember dreaming about my sister growing up. A beautiful young woman full of confidence and friendliness. She would be the one who turned heads when she walked into any room. Whether it was her beauty, the waves of power that rolled off of her, or he warm smile with perfectly straightened white teeth, it would never be unknown to her. She would be oblivious because of her always just wanting to treat others as equals. She would grow up to be so much more successful than any of the rest of us, but that was fine.
Quinn would be going far in life, and I, for one, want to be there to watch. The highs and the lows—I'm prepared for both. I just need her to trust me not to hurt her like everybody else.
"Quinn, you want to watch a movie with us, kiddo?"!Devin asked her gently when our sister walked back into the room, taking me from my thoughts. I watched as he gently grabbed her little hand in his, but she ripped it away.
"Stay away from me. It's your stupid parents' fault," she growled before stomping upstairs, her hands balled into fists so tight her knuckles were white.
"Quinn," I called, standing up. She turned to glare at me. I wasn't sure what I was doing, nor what to say, so I just stared at her until she rolled her eyes and finished stomping up the stairs.
I flopped down onto the couch and shoved my face into a pillow. When my stress was screamed into it, I pulled back.
Apparently my stress wasn't all gone, because my head started to pound. I couldn't help but let out a pained groan, and Devin helped me to stand. "Come on, little bro, you should rest."
"Can you get me something for my head first please," I mumbled.
"Go lay down and I'll get it," Devin instructed while walking to the kitchen.
I trudged upstairs, finding Quinn's door wide open. I heard ripping, and looked in to see her destroying the book from her social worker. Her eyes swarmed with a mixture of emotions, but the biggest one was fear. She didn't need to say or write anything for me to know what she was asking.
"What am I going to do now?" That's what she was silently screaming at me. What she was begging me to answer.
"Quinn," I whispered as I slowly walked in. Sure, my head hurt, but her heart hurt so much more. Keeping me priorities in check—that's what this was.
"Go away," she demanded, her voice cracking.
I sat down and grabbed the book from her hands, examining it. "You know, we could burn it. I'll start up the fire, and then we can get rid of this. Sound okay? It'll also give you less paper cuts." A ghost of a smile graced not only her lips, but my heart as well at my weak joke before disappearing.
Quinn turned to look down at the ripped papers on the floor with tears brimming her eyes. She nodded and closed her eyes. The tears went cascading down her cheeks, and I immediately pulled her in for a hug.
"It's not you. You didn't hurt me, Mason. You're not the bad guy, and I really need you right now, so please promise you won't leave me too," she begged. I pulled her into my lap and she curled up, her beautiful eyes shut as she leaned on me.
This is right. That was all I could think.
"I promise," I whispered as I kissed the top of her head. "I promise you, Quinn, I'm not going anywhere."
It was so faint that I wondered if I imagined it, but I think I heard her say, "Thanks Mace."
"Come on, let's get the fire started, yeah?" I asked quietly. She nodded and we picked up the torn papers before heading downstairs. I grabbed a lighter and lit the logs we put into the fireplace for decoration a long time ago.
Devin came in and saw us, his eyes sympathetic as he walked over. "Can I hug you now?" He whispered to Quinn. She took the first step, dropping the papers and throwing her arms around him. Devin smiled and rubbed her back. "There's my girl."
When I had the fire going, I grabbed the papers and handed them to Quinn. She looked down at them, hesitating. I gave her the time she needed before she grabbed the papers and walked to the fire with a solemn look on her face. My brother and I each put a hand on her shoulder to let her know she wasn't alone, and that was the last push she needed.
Quinn threw the papers into the fire, then grabbed the book and threw it in too. She watched them burn for a minute before falling to her knees, slouching forward. Devin and I knelt down beside her. I held her hands while he rubbed her back.
She then turned her eyes back up with a determined look and watched the book burn. Her beautiful blue eyes looked so focused as she watched. We sat there for hours before the fire finally burned out. None of us left, and Quinn never looked away from the fire.
"It's gone," she whispered while grabbing a handful of the ashes. It hit me then. And when I say hit, I mean I got slammed into by a giant semi-truck going a hundred miles per hour.
Quinn was burning her past.
I got an idea, and today was perfect because it was so windy. I stood up and grabbed Quinn's empty hand. She stood and followed me with Devin right behind us.
"Wait right out here," I ordered them while running back inside to leave them on the deck. I came back with some string before running into the lawn and grabbing two sticks. I tied them together like a cross, thanks to my boy scouts training from the fourth grade. "Come down," I called out to them.
Quinn and Devin joined me under the big oak tree where Oreo had given birth not all that long ago. I put the cross into the ground before grabbing Quinn and hugging her from behind.
"Here lies Quinn's past," was all that I said. Quinn had an understanding and opened her hand, holding it out. Just then, a giant gust of wind blew, making the ashes fly away.
"Sammy," she breathed out in awe, looking up at the sky. She thought the breeze was from her brother. Honestly, I did too. It was like he was telling her it was okey to let go.
Devin grabbed us both in a tight hug, resting his head on mine, which rested on Quinn's. We all stared at the little grave before finally walking back inside. Mom and Dad were back, but Quinn avoided them. She said she didn't blame me, but she didn't say anything about not blaming my parents. To an extent, I can understand. She just wanted to see her mom.
Devin took us upstairs and we all piled onto Quinn's bed. Dakota, Oreo, and the pups all jumped in with us.
Quinn soon fell asleep, her arms latched onto Dakota tight. He nuzzled her with a doggy smile before drifting off with her. Oreo laid with me, already asleep. Devin had all of the pups, which moved around a bit but didn't do too much.
"Still need something for your headache?" Devin asked softly. One hand went from puppy to puppy to pet them while the other played with Quinn's hair.
"No, I'm fine," I whispered. "Although I would like something else."
"And that would be?" He asked.
"I would like knowing what stage this is." I motioned to Quinn with my hand.
"I think she skipped bargaining and decided to mix depression and acceptance together. She has a way of doing her own thing, huh?" He laughed softly at his statement and kissed her temple.
"Yeah, she does. I wouldn't have our sister be any other way, though." I copied Devin and kissed her temple.
Quinn stirred and laid on her back, her arms reaching out to ether side of her. She grasped Devin's shirt and my hand in her sleep. The most tranquil look washed over her face now that she was holding onto us. I clasped her little hand in both of mine, giving it a gentle squeeze.
"I don't know about you, but this tiny thing's stolen my heart," Devin chuckled.
"She's the last piece to mine," I mumbled. "I said it before, and I'll say it again for as long as I live. Quinn is what really makes this family whole."
Hey.... please don't hate me... but I'm back! I'll be posting daily again! Yay! (Trying to distract you guys from me going awol)
Anyways ngl I cried writing this. It reallyyyy hit home. Love ya'll! Thanks for your support!