As fast as we arrived, we were already packing to leave. I had spent all of my free time spending time with Lannan. My heart had settled in my stomach for the last couple days. It killed me to leave. I wasn't sure how I would ever survive it. Nikki kept telling me that Lannan and I weren't necessarily a thing so within a few months I would find someone new. Every time I attempted to convince myself it were true, my chest would tighten and I just knew I would never meet anyone like Lannan again.
"Sam, I promise I will visit first thing. You just know how demanding this job is." I sighed. Disappointed washing over me. "Don't do that."
"Lan, you know how I feel about you and I thought those feelings were reciprocated. I can't go back to my normal life acting like this never happened." We'd spend the last few hours in his living room attempting to figure out what we were gonna do. "I can't act like I don't have feelings for you." I watched as he ran his left hand through his hair, a tick he would do when he was frustrated.
"I can't just leave my day job and you can't just drop out of college. We knew this was how it would end." The word end made my heart drop even lower than it already had.
"End?" Lannan sighed.
"Sam, you know I have some type of feelings for you. But it's been two weeks. I can't act on those feelings by destroying everything I've worked tirelessly to build." I could see he was growing more frustrated as the minutes passed. "I can't drop everything to move to America for some girl." Without ever trying to stop it, a gasp escaped my lips. Lannan realized what he had said and immediately threw his hands up, trying to grab me, to hold me like he had the last couple weeks. But I was already planning my escape.
I turned for the door and without looking back left. Out of the room, out of the apartment, and out of Lannan's life. I blocked him on what ever social media I could, deleted his number, and swore to myself that if I was just "some girl" that's all I would be. A two week fling, if even that.
The plane ride home seemed unbearable. With every mile we took, my heart ached for him. Ached for the two weeks that we can never get back. Who ever said you can't miss someone and long for them but act like they don't exist? Lannan was the perfect guy. He just wasn't the perfect guy for me and although that kills me, I was thankful he was able to be honest with me.
By the time I arrived to my family home, Nikki was texting me asking what had happened. With the wound still being fresh, I didn't have the heart to tell her. I knew it was a conversation I wasn't ready to have. I wanted to call him. To scream at him. To ask him why he let me fall so head first in love with him only to tell me this is how it was supposed to end.
I couldn't shake the thought of him. My mind was constantly drifting to "what was he doing" or "I wonder what his next video will be". Most of all, I wondered if he missed me the way I missed him. If he thought about our first kiss. Or the time we spent the last two weeks. I tried not to care, to just brush it off the way he had. But I deemed it impossible and just fought to get through the day.
A week had gone by with no contact between Lannan and I. It felt as if it were easier to make it through the day, but I still ached for him. I sat in my room preparing for the summer ahead when I felt my phone vibrating endlessly in my pocket. I answered it quickly.
"Goddamn Nikki. Can I please just enjoy a moment of peace?" She scoffed.
"First of all, I know for a fact you're trying to distract yourself from Lannan. Secondly, he posted about you." My breath seemed to get stuck in my throat.
"He what?"
"Posted about you. I have it right here if you want me to read it."
"No! I'll find it." I quickly unblocked his accounts and scrolled through each. It wasn't until I got on his Instagram that I found a picture of us on his couch, grinning ear to ear. I began to read the caption.
Three weeks ago my life changed. I met a girl who showed me the simplicity of life. Recently, I pushed her away out of pure selfishness. She has me blocked, for good reason, but if she sees this by chance I wanna tell her I miss her. Sam, I miss your smile. I miss how you would sit in my office and watch me make videos. Hearing your laugh when I said something funny. I fucked up and I'm sorry. Fuck, I miss you. Please call me.
"Sam, you have to call him." I had completely forgotten that my best friend was still on the phone.
"I can't." She sighed.
"Sam, I've watched you ruin so many things because of people that hurt you in the past. He made a mistake. Hear him out at least."
"Fine, but if this goes sideways, I'm never talking to either of you again." She hung up and I dialed Lan's number, being sure to keep it blocked till I knew how this conversation would go.
"Hello." I could feel my heart beating faster at the sound of his voice.
"Hi, Lannan." He sighed in relief.
"I'm so happy you called Sam. I'm sorry. I never should have let you leave."
"Well, you didn't really have a choice. My home is here. You're a million miles away, whether you're across the sea or across the room." He was silent for what seemed like an eternity.
"Please take me back." I shook my head as if he could somehow see me.
"Lannan I can't."
"Why not? I messed up, Sam. I know. I'm sorry but I'm not gonna apologize for my feelings for you." I closed my eyes, unsure of what to say.
"I don't know what to say. I was clear about the feelings I had for you and you turned me away. You rejected me, Lan. I don't think you understand how much and how fast you broke my heart. Yes, I'm well aware that YouTube takes up most of your time, and I was willing to work around that. I was willing to work with long distance. I was willing to take our time; because I know you don't want to rush. But what did you say? Tell me."
"I said I couldn't just abandon my career and the life I've built for just some girl. But goddamn Samantha, you're not just some girl. My world hasn't been the same since you walked out on me. I can't sleep. I can't do anything the same because you aren't here. So please just take me back and I promise I will never hurt you again." I scoffed.
"You think you're the first guy to say that to me? What makes you any different? You fucking left me. I never walked out until you said I was nothing special. I'm sorry if this seems aggressive but fuck, Lannan. I wanted you and you didn't want me. Do you know how much that fucked me up? I was second guessing myself thinking maybe I read the signs wrong, but now I know I didn't. I will be friends with you, but nothing more. Not yet." Now it was his turn to sigh.
"That's better than nothing I guess."
"Goodbye, Lannan. Just give me some time." And with that, I hung up and kept his number blocked.