This book contains some triggering event like self harm and purging and negative thoughts. So please, DO NOT READ IF YOU CAN NOT HANDLE IT! I know what it's like to be triggered from a book and not be able to finish it, so please, don't continue if you are easily triggered or can't not handle it.
It's okay if you can't :)
Also; do not fucking comment your weight, anything about your weight, or anything promoting self harm or eating disorders. I deadass just spent hours deleting hundreds of triggering comments.
Also, please don't fucking comment that one of the characters in this book is a rapist/will rape someone or anything about age. I've also had to delete hundreds of comments about that too.
Thanks
William
Never in my life did I expect to hate myself, especially my body, so much to the point that I harm it intentionally.
I never thought I would get to such a low point in my life where I would have to harm myself from a blade or not eating just so I could feel happier in some way.
No one caused it, like people would assume. No one bullied me for being too big, my parents didn't abuse me, I didn't have a tramatic childhood, no one but myself made me hate myself in every way, shape, and form.
I was a good kid. I got all A's and B's, the occasional C when school stressed me out. I had the best family, an older sister who was in college but still living at home, another older sister who was in the grade above me (a senior), and two younger, twin sisters that were in middle school. So I was left as the only male child, as well as being the middle child.
I didn't mind though.
My parents were still together and they rarely fought, and if they did, it was over something stupid like the dishes or who had to go shopping. We live in a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood in a very nice town.
It seemed like nothing in the world could ever rain on my parade. I had good grades, a great family, a nice house, plenty of friends, who would be sad and hateful towards their self with all that?
Me.
I am that person who has a dream life and family but still hates them self.
But outside shit doesn't always impact what goes on inside someone. It's their mind and how they see their self in any way.
"Can you set the table, honey?" My mom's gentle, melodic voice asked as she placed a large, juicy breast of chicken on a plate.
My parents and siblings know I struggle with eating, but they always assume it's just me being a picky eater, being stressed from school, or me just 'rebeling'. But that's not it at all.
I just hate myself so much that I have this mindset that if I eat too much, I will get fat and ugly. I have a fear of gaining weight of any sort.
It's been like that ever since I was younger. As I grew up, I was always afraid to step on the scale at doctor appointments.
I was always a small kid, but I grew up a little chunky until 8th grade. Once I hit puberty, I grew and slimmed out. But I still have the fear that I will become big and gain weight.
"Yes ma'am." I beamed, sliding off the bar stool, grabbing the silverware that were on the counter. "Gabby home?"
My mom shakes her head, "she's at Luke's house." I nodded, a set of utensils that was going to be my eldest sister's aside. I considered putting another set aside for myself, but I knew my mom would scold me for not eating.
I set the table, watching as my mom brought full plates to the table. She set a steaming plate of food in the spot I normally sat before she grabbed the other few.
A pile of warm, buttery rice, juicy chicken, and a con of corn. Is she trying to make me fat?
My mom is usually tired of Mondays because well, who isn't? So she makes something simple like this. I just wish it was healthier or a lot less.
"Go get Dad, please." She tells me as she set the twins plates down, along with a stack of napkins. "He's in the living room."
I nod, bouncing into the living room, seeing my dad typing away on the computer.
"Foods ready." I spoke gently, patting my dad's arm. He glances at me, sending me a smile before he nods, shutting the laptop.
The twins, Daisy and Rose,along with my older (also favorite) sister, Lucille, came down the stairs, all ready for dinner.
I made sure to take a sip of water after every other bite, knowing it will fill me up faster. But also, it will make the food come out smoother and more at once when I throw it up after dinner.
My mom went around the table, asking everyone about their day. It was a normal conversation we had as we ate, carrying on the conversation until dinner was over with.
"Speed up." Rose teased, holding up her finished plate. I glanced at my own, seeing I've only eaten half of my chicken, a few bites of rice, and a majority of my corn. In my defence though, Rose was a fast eater, and everyone else was still in the middle of their own food as well.
"I don't inhale my food like you." I remark, playfully glaring at my younger sister. She just waved me off, jumping out her seat, and towards the stove for seconds. It's a wonder how she is so small.
Everyone started to finish their dinner, so I just placed a napkin over my unfinish meal, throwing away the untouched food on my plate.
"Did you get enough, Will?" My mom asked as she scraped the remaining of the rice into a container with chicken for her to eat for lunch tomorrow. "There's another corn on the cob if you want it, plenty of chicken."
I nod, "I got enough, thanks Momma." I place my dish and utensils into the dish washer before I went upstairs, darting towards my room.
It wasn't an exciting room. Just a bed, dresser, desk, night table, a TV with Xbox, and a closet full of clothes. Also, a guitar was tucked away in it's case under my bed. I haven't played in a while.
I didn't like really like hanging pictures or posters, or anything of that sort on my walls. My room was quite bland, but I liked it like that.
Lucile always offered to give it a make over, but I always declined the offer.
I made sure my bedroom door was shut before I went into my bathroom, the food and water bubbling in my stomach, just crying for me to throw up.
I slammed the bathroom door shut, gagging slightly before all the food and liquids rushed out my mouth, almost missing the toilet. My throat began to burn as I coughed up my meal, glad that I drank so much water during it.
I was also glad that I had my own bathroom, and a room at the end of the hall, so no one could really hear me.
After I purged what was in my stomach, I swished water in my mouth, cringing at the acidy taste.
This was a constant cycle I had after eating, if I did eat much. Usually I was forced to eat dinner, so I would just drink a lot of water so I could purge easier.
I plop down onto my bed, glancing at my TV. I would love to watch a movie with one or all of my siblings right now. All of us just piled up on my bed, watching a girly movie they convinced me to watch.
Turning on Netflix, I waited for it to load, wandering down the hall towards the twins room, knowing I'll find all my siblings in there. Lucille normally spends time in their room since they always need help with homework or are talking about boys.
They had a good bond as sisters, which I was grateful for. I have friends who are always fighting with their siblings or have siblings that hate each other. It's just odd to me that some siblings are like that. I've always gotten along well with my sisters.
I knock on the door, hearing giggling on the other side. It soon stopped, Daisy hushing them, "come in!"
Opening the door, I stare at my sisters who all were seated on Rose's bed, looking suspicious.
"Yes?" Lucille sang, flashing me a smile. The twins giggled, quickly hushing each other.
I furrow my brows, deciding not to question it. They were probably talking about a boy or a cute celebrity like Harry Styles or 2010 Taylor Lautner.
"Wanna watch a movie?"
Daisy gasps, nodding her head eagerly, "Titanic!"
Rose scowls at our sisters choice, "no, that movies old and stupid. Let's watch The Conjuring!"
I swear, their personalities are completely different. Daisy was girly and tries to be proper, while Rose was more into sports and horror movies. It was quite amazing.
"That movie sucks"
"You suck."
Lucille rolls her eyes at their bickering, "both of the movies are over played, let's watch a show. Like Fuller house or something."
The girls started to all bicker, demanding that what we watched. I started to regret asking them.
Soon, they came to a conclusion about what movie to watch, not asking me how I felt about it. I was used to it.
Rose and Daisy went down stares to make pop corn while Lucille and I found the movie they wanted to watch. Probably some new chick flick.
"I wish Gabrielle was here, she's always with her boyfriend." Lucille comments, placing a few pillows against the wall. "I think they're gonna break up though."
I frown, "what makes you say that?"
Lucille looks down the hall, making sure no one was around. "She told me that they haven't had sex in nearly a month and she thinks he's cheating on her with her professor."
My eyes widened at the information. This is why I don't want to go to college... "Oh wow, what makes her think that?"
She shrugs, "she said he's always staying after in that class, he has an A when it used to be a D, and he's a suck up to her. They apparently have that class together. I think she's overreacting and jumping to conclusions, but you never know."
"Why does it matter is they've had sex or not?"
Lucille hushes me, I am apparently being too loud. "I don't know, she just thinks it's a problem. They used to do it all the time, she says."
The twins came back into the room a moment later, two large bowls of popcorn in their hands, filled to the top.
Do they expect me to eat some of it?
The twins sat near the edge of the bed, sharing a bowl of popcorn. I was pressed against the wall, Lucille beside me, shovelling handfuls of the snack into her mouth. I didn't really mind, as long as she at all of it.
I started the movie, hushing the twins who began to talk and giggle. I absolutely hate when people talk during a movie. I don't mind a comment or two, but full on talking... It's my biggest pet peeve.
The movies wasn't the best, I was a bit disappointed in their pick. I always trust them to pick good movies and usually they are decent enough to watch again.
Lucille kept offering me popcorn throughout the movie, but I kept declining. She shrugs it off, stuffing more of it into her mouth.
She is very lady like...
It was getting late after the movie ended, but the twins insisted that we watch another one that was apparently better.
I wasn't looking forward to sitting through another 2 hour movie, but I didn't mind the extra time with my siblings.
The smell of buttery goodness floated through the air, and I resisted to urge to just eat a piece or two. I know I will eat more and feel bad about it later.
I just sipped on some water, watching as my siblings inhaled the popcorn.
In the middle of the movie, Dad came in and told the twins that they had to go to bed because of school tomorrow. They begged and whined if they could stay up to finish the movie, but it was already late enough for them to be up.
They hugged Lucille and I goodnight before they left, still upset with our dad.
Lucille and I decided to turn off the movie and just lay there in the darkness, talking about whatever came to our minds, letting the conversation flow.
"I just think you should break up with him, Lucy. Go for Matthew."
My sister sighs, "I don't want to hurt Ethan and then get together with his best friend. That would make me a horrible person."
I shake my head at her logic, "no it wouldn't, you like Matthew, just break up with Ethan. He smells weird."
Lucille chuckles from beside me, "he does sometimes. And he can't last for more than a minute." I cringed, letting out a disgusted, 'oh,' noise. "I know! He's not even that big anyways!"
I never liked hearing about my sisters love lives, it made me upset. I guess I am just protective over them since they are dating a lot of people now since they're getting older.
"Well damn."
Lucille huffs in frustration, "but he has nice hair."
"He probably doesn't wash it."
She stiffles out a giggle at my comment, "probably not."
We were quiet for a moment before Lucille spoke.
"Are you doing alright?" Lucille asked me, shifting on my bed. "You haven't been yourself for the past few days."
I frown. I hated it when my family notices my sadness. I always feel like it ruins their moods and makes them worry.
"Just stressed because of school, that's all. The semester just started, so I'm a bit overwhelmed with all the new lessons and stuff." I wave off. "And my body is changing and shit."
Lucille let's out a loud laugh at the excuse I always used when she thinks I'm acting different.
"Alright." She giggles, "just making sure." I smile at her concern. "Are you eating?"
Lucille sorta knows about my relationship with food. She doesn't know that I make myself throw up and starve myself, she just knows that I don't eat much when I am stressed or sad. That I avoid eating a majority of the time, she just know how much to I avoid it.
"Yeah." I mumble, running my fingers through my blonde hair.
She hums, "okay, good. I don't want you to get an eating disorder or anything." Oh. "Cause that would be bad." Yeah, I know. "And-"
The door opens, interrupting Lucille's words. The light turns on, revealing Gabrielle. Her curly, blonde hair was a mess, her makeup was smeared around her eyes, and tears were running down her face.
"Gabby, what's wrong?" I frown, gesturing for her to sit with Lucille and I. She quietly sits on the corner on the bed, sniffling. "What happened?"
"It's over!" Gabrielle cries out, fresh tears trickling down her cheeks. "He cheated on me!"
I furrow my brows as I hand her a box of tissues. "Didnt you already think he cheated?"
She nods, wiping the makeup under her eyes. "Yes, but I thought it was with our professor. He cheated on me with the professor and with Ava!"
Ava was one of Gabrielle's best friend that she's known since middle school. It was a coincidence that they both got into the same college and had one of their classes together.
"That bitch! Seriously?!" Lucille gasped, a scowl on her face. "I'll cut his dick off!"
I wasn't surprised by her words.
Gabby began to explain how her and Luke got into a fight and he told her. It was a long but interesting story. After a while, she stopped crying and turned the lights off, joining Lucille and I in the dark.
Lucille and Gabby brought up a random topic, and our conversation went on from there.
I grew tired quickly, the girls chatting happily with all the energy in the world. My replies were small and simple as I hugged my pillow, curled up against the wall.
The girls words were just background noise as I started to drift into a deep sleep.
Edit after completed: GO READ HOOKED PLEASE!! I'm also working on another book :)
Another edit: GO READ FEEL
Another edit- go read my newest book Sweet Tooth and Touch
Hope everyone enjoyed the first chapter. Make sure to comment, vote, and follow♡
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