Hello my dear lovelies!
Im finally back with a new chapter for "Past doesnt matter"
Im sorry that it took so long, but as some of my most loyals already know, heavy angst and drama always drain a lot of energy from me, so Im forced to take such chapters very slow to stay focussed.
And of course, another reason brought me to extend your patience this long...
Because I started a new story :D A premiere for me, if you will.
A werewolf/omegaverse story about Alpha!Erwin and an OC of mine.
Drop by and give it a read, if you want.
But I hope you first enjoy this new chapter of PDM, with lots of shed tears, heartbreak, and fight.
Enjoy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I can't even say for how long I was sitting in Levi's lap as I wept into his shoulder.
My endless grief and shame overpowered me in the end and turned me into a pathetic and sobbing mess. Levi knew it.
Levi knew from the day he'd come back that something wasn't right. I should've known better than lying to him.
I can't continue like this anymore. Thanks to my outburst and my tendency to always come around with the truth in the end, I can't avoid it anymore.
~I'm so sorry, Erwin. But your plan failed. I failed...I'm so weak...~
Levi's shoulder was soaked, and still, he kept going to stroke my back, holding me close, not daring to utter a word. I would give anything to know what he's thinking right now. Even through my endless and painful cries of anguish, I didn't feel him tensing up or shivering. Patient like an old, big mountain against time, he stayed calm and tried his best to bring me down to his level of calmness, without doubt, to make me finally vent to him.
There was no going back anymore. Not after this breakdown...
I couldn't breathe, I couldn't swallow, my throat hurt so bad, so as everything inside me, and every little move made it just worse. Every thought made me cling tighter to Levi, my fingers wrinkling his shirt in the process as I wrapped my arms around his back to keep me from falling and drowning until I felt his warm hand brushing through my hair, fingertips gently gliding above my scalp.
"Nina, calm down, please. I need you to tell me what's going on here, otherwise, I can't help you. As hard as it might be, I'm sure it's nothing we can't solve. Alright?" He murmured, lips hidden in my neck as his honey-sweet words tried to calm me down, but his choice of words, the way he said them...
It only made me suffer even more.
I backed up a little, hiding my face in both hands and wiping my swollen, tired eyes while my sobbing continued, and I shook my head in negation, telling Levi that what he'd just told me is out of my and his grasp.
I heard Levi rummaging for something, his body and legs moving in the process, and when he tapped my shoulder, I peeked through my slightly parted fingers, discovering him holding a handkerchief.
The moment when I want to take it from him, he already dabbed my soaked skin with it, gently caressing my sensitive and reddened cheeks and eyes. I let him do it, didn't fight against his care, but I couldnt help but feeling that I didn't deserve it at the slightest. Believing that this could maybe my last close and loving moment with Levi, I savored every little touch and drank his presence in as if I was a flower about to dry out. In the end, he handed me the handkerchief so I could clean my nose and I took a deep breath of relief once I was able to breathe normally again, repeating this a few times to gather strength and courage and to breathe the pain and fear away.
"I ... I ... have ..."
"Yes? What's wrong? What do you want to tell me?" Levi was cautious to speak low and calmly, but he could not know that every little, sweet word from him rammed a red-hot knife deep into my battered heart. Never in my life would I have wanted to hurt and cheat on someone like this.
I am not like that, I never wanted to be, but it happened because I was too stupid and inexperienced to interpret the signs in time and draw a line. Now I'm caught between two men who both have feelings for me and who will undoubtedly fight each other as soon as the truth is out. In the end, it's me who loses everything, no matter what Erwin promised.
"I ... cheated on you ..." The words that were like stones in my heart finally came over my lips after a hard, endless inner war, but my voice was barely more than a whisper as those sharp words rolled from my lips.
There was a moment of silence. Levi stopped moving and that was when I knew. I knew he had heard me and I knew there was no going back anymore.
But instead of being yelled at or a violent push from his lap, I suddenly and unexpectedly felt two warm hands on my cheeks that gently turned my head in his direction. I had avoided looking him in the eye all the time. I knew I couldn't bear to see the anger, disappointment, shock, and sadness in his eyes, but when our eyes met I saw confusion.
Levi tilted his head slightly to the side, studied my face contorted with grief and shame after speaking the words that were to change my whole life from now on.
"Cheated on me? What do you mean by that? Did you fuck something up? I know you can come up with very stupid ideas, but whatever you did, it can't be that bad, can it? "
Levi just doesn't understand ...
He sure thought I had made a stupid decision like the one when I set a trap for Petra, but how should he know what I really meant?
In a fit of a renewed flood of guilt and endless grief, I put both hands over my nose and mouth, stifled my breathing in the hope of being able to suppress the swelling flood of tears, but it was too strong. Even though the sobs remained silent, miserable short breaths into the palms of my hands, the pain and the sting of my tears burned like acid, while silent, hot drops traveled their way over cheeks and fingers, following the gravity lead towards the floor.
"Please calm down, darling. It hurts me to see you like this. Please tell me what's going on. Let me help you. I'm sure we- "
"No! We can not! You just don't understand it! I cheated on you! I lied! All the time! I told myself it was nothing serious, pretended that it was a one-time mistake and would never happen again, but I was wrong! It happened again, and again, and again! I can't anymore... Please deliver me ... It hurts so much ... I can't take this anymore. Please ... make it stop."
Levi's inability to read between the lines broke me. In an outburst of anger and despair, I roared the bitter truth in his face, and I no longer felt his hands on my cheeks but watched them sink into his lap, trembling.
"What? What do you mean? Tell me you don't mean what I think. Say it!" Levi raised his voice when he finally seemed to understand how serious the situation is. But it still hurt so bad ...
That he forced me to explain, again and again, to repeat myself, again and again, each time my heart ached more and I now believed that Levi had his hand tightly closed around my beating heart and squeezed harder and harder until I could no longer breathe until the pain became so much that I couldn't feel anything else, but this.
Too big, too engaging, too numbing was this unspeakably great ache that everything else was suppressed.
Under loud sobs and a never-ending flood of tears, I grabbed his shirt in pure despair, held it so tightly that I feared I would tear it apart.
I need him.
I need him so much that the thought of losing him made me die a little every second. And it's my fault ...
I have no right to ask for forgiveness. Everything that has happened so far is my fault and now I have to pay the highest price.
"Me and Erwin ... we kissed."
Silence again. Seconds felt like hours, hours in which we sat in silence.
Under Levi's shirt, I felt his heartbeat speed up rapidly like a locomotive that was picking up speed until nothing and nobody could stop it anymore.
I avoided looking at Levi again. Too great was the shame and remorse that bitterly wrestled me to the ground and held me there, but when suddenly and unexpectedly Levi's hand grabbed mine, that was still clinging to his shirt and gripped it tightly until it almost hurt.
Startled and shocked, I was forced to look at him, but Levi's expression just scared me even more.
His eyes were cold as ice, his otherwise gentle and pretty face was now bare of any emotion. My fear grew immeasurably, my heart raced and made my whole body shake, took my breath away, and made me almost sick. That empty, dark feeling in your stomach that you would like to throw up immediately to make it stop, but I knew it would not stop.
"This is a lie, isn't it? You tell me some shit to mess with me. Stop it right now! That's not funny!"
Levi's desperate attempt to dismiss this as a lie or confusing story only made my desperation grow. What if he doesn't believe me and then comes home to Erwin just to hear the same story again?
It would destroy both of us. Slow and painful, like a terrible disease that will eat us up from within.
I slowly shook my head in a choked voice, somehow trying to tell Levi that what he had just heard was true. The grip with which he held my hand became so tight that I winced and tried to pull my hand out of his grasp before Levi finally released it completely.
What followed was pure psychological torture: Levi hung his head, his gaze empty, his breath shallow and short, as if he had just lost his entire family in a terrible accident and didn't know how to cope with the enormous flood of grief and despair. I felt his body trembling, his hands clenched into fists.
Now I was definitely sure that Levi had understood, but now I was definitely faced with the consequences of my stupid actions. I paused, hanging my head when I finally resigned myself to the inevitable and gave up all hope.
I was all the more shocked when suddenly two strong arms wrapped around my body, pressed tightly against the associated chest and a hot breath tickled my neck.
What is happening now ?!
"That damned bastard ..." Levi murmured, hugging me tightly.
"This lousy, sneaky, treacherous bastard. I'm going to kill him. " His voice was low and suffocated, but the words were so heavy that I could feel them deep in my bones. What the hell was going on here?
"I'm sorry, Levi. So terribly sorry ... I never wanted it to get this far. I never wanted to hurt or cheat on you, I swear! It ... it just happened ... Please ... please forgive me, I have- "
"Shhh. I know you didn't want that. You do not have to apologize. I understand." Again, Levi's voice took the soft, warm tone that I love so much, that takes away all fear and doubt and tells me that everything will be fine. And yet ... I didn't understand why.
Why is Levi so nice? After what I had just revealed to him ...
Or more: before I could reveal the full truth. Before I could even begin to suggest that I had romantic feelings for Erwin, Levi had interrupted me. By accident or consciously, I didn't know.
"What? You understand? What does that mean?" I asked uncertainly, even though I was quite aware that any demand that went deeper into this topic only played against me, but I could no longer live with this big lie.
"Yes .. I understand. You didn't want that, right? Erwin, this filthy bastard actually dared to touch my girl as soon as I got out of the way is really the limit! I would've never expected that his feelings for you would drive him to such actions, but he will pay for it. I'm just so sorry that I wasn't there to protect you. Please forgive me, you've probably been through horrible things. "
Suddenly, I understood: Levi believes Erwin the only one to blame! That he may even have forced himself on me.
"Levi, wait. You do not understand. It's not like that!"
"It's useless to protect this bastard. I'm sorry, darling, but I will leave you earlier than planned. I'll go straight to him and tell him what a big, treacherous prick he is. Then I'll come back and comfort you, right?"
I didn't even have time to protest because Levi had already lifted me off his lap and jumped up from the couch, purposefully marching into the hallway while I sat frozen in place.
I looked incredulously after him, stared into the void after he had long left the living room because I just couldn't understand what was happening here. The loud hiss of Levi's leather jacket startled me and called me back out of my lethargy.
I jumped off the couch like a spring and sprinted into the hallway where Levi was about to leave my apartment to go to Erwin and then God knows what to do. I had to stop him! Somehow!
Or at least get things right before Levi makes a mistake which he is not responsible for, but I alone. Erwin must not be the one who should suffer from my stupidity.
"Levi wait! Don't go!" I clung to Levi's arm and pressed him tightly to my chest. I expected Levi to pull his arm away, but he didn't move a bit. A small, faint beacon of hope flared up in me.
"I know you want me to stay here. I understand that you don't want to be alone, but I can't and mustn't just let fucking Eyebrows get away with that. He did something unforgivable and he has to pay for it. Once and for all. I'm going to teach him to keep his filthy fingers to himself! "
Levi's voice was so cold and threatening that the blood froze in my veins, and then I knew: He was dead serious.
"Please Levi. Whatever you plan to do, please drop it. It is not what you think! It is not Erwin's fault. "
"STOP IT!" Terrified by Levis outburst, I immediately let go of his arm, tumbling backward until I felt the wall in my back. I looked at him with my eyes blown wide with panic. I heard my blood rushing in my ears and I felt like I was going to throw up at any moment.
That was the first time I was afraid of Levi. That he would do something to me, even though I knew deep down that he would never do anything like that. At least I hoped so.
"Still haven't got it !? This hypocrite and traitor deserves no protection! He doesn't deserve that you try to stop me from doing what I should've done months ago! He doesn't even deserve that I still live with him! Whether you are friends or not, whatever is or was between you, it ends tonight! "
I had never seen him so furious before.
Sure, there was the incident with Petra and also with the motherfucker in the city who abused me in the past, but none of that could compare to this.
Without saying another word, Levi turned around, opened the door, and slammed it shut behind him. The loud bang of the door that echoed through the whole, empty stairwell pulled me out of my shocked state. I sank to the floor, trembling all over, before I sat curled up against the wall, hugging my legs.
Levi was gone.
I heard the main entrance door closing as well on the ground floor, and I knew then I had lost. I failed in every way possible. I was too cowardly and too weak to stop Levi, just as I was too cowardly to run after him now.
What kind of inferior being am I?
I was so shocked that I couldn't even cry. Everything in me was numb and empty.
Not only that I am unable to lead a proper discussion or even an argument, no. I am even more than unable to tell the full truth to the man I love. No matter if he stopped me and interrupted me, I should have tried harder, had to fight harder. Now it was too late ...
Unless...
In this endless hopelessness, I suddenly had an idea.
It won't save me, I was sure of it, but maybe I can buy Erwin a little bit of time.
I hurriedly jumped up off the floor to sprint back into the living room. However, I hadn't considered that the floor was not made for such fast movements with socks, so I slipped my feet several times in my hectic movements.
I felt like one of those cats from a home video that slipped on the tiles with paws spinning as they tried to turn around the corner at full gallop.
In the end, I crawled the last few meters on all fours to the coffee table and picked up my phone, where I dialed Erwin's number.
"Come on. Come on! Pick up! Pick up! Pick up! COME ON!" I roared into the device as the monotonous dial tone repeated itself over and over again.
"Hey, Nina! I am so glad that you finally called me. I was worried about you after training today. How are you?"
I sighed in relief into the phone. I was so happy to hear his voice, knowing that he was fine. This alone helped me to feel better, but I couldn't forget why I called.
"Erwin! Thank goodness. We don't have time for long explanations. I call to tell you that- ", I paused and swallowed before taking a deep breath.
"I'm calling to tell you that Levi is coming."
"Yes, dear, I know. Tomorrow is the time. I can imagine that you can hardly wait. I'll give you enough time to have a happy reunion before I- "
"No! Be quiet and listen! We have no time! Levi is already back. For a week by now and he's on his way to your place Furious!"
"What are you saying? For a week? Why didn't you tell me? And why is he furious? "
"I'll explain everything to you another time. But Erwin ... I'm so terribly sorry. I spilled the beans. Levi saw and felt that something was wrong with me and just kept asking until I ... Until I couldn't anymore. I'm so sorry. "
"Shit."