The air was electrified. I could've swore that if someone else were in the room, you could see the electric attraction between us. I could feel the little hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. My skin felt like it was burning. I felt so alive in that moment. I closed my eyes, anticipating his lips on mine and I could feel his face in front of me, his breath lingering on my lips due to the absence of distance between us. An unusual amount of time passed and I felt his hand that was once tangled in my hair move to trace my jawline. I fluttered my eyes open and I saw him gazing down at me gently. I relished his touch. I noticed a shift, an atmospheric disturbance, between us. I snaked my hand from my side to grab a hold of his wrist. A part of me was hurt. I looked up at him with pain in my eyes, the tears starting to well up.
"Is there something wrong?" I quietly asked him, my voice starting to crack.
He looked away from me, realizing what he had done. I knew in that moment that something was wrong. There was a pause and he gazed down at me again.
"I don't know what to think right now."
"What does that mean?" I asked gently, searching his eyes for some answer, some sign.
He took a deep breath.
"Look, I just need some time to think about this." His hand dropped from my face to my waist. I dropped my own hand to his side, grasping on to a loop in his pants. I felt his grip tighten on me.
"Oh." I said almost inaudibly. I looked down at my feet.
"A part of you is right. I don't know if I can fully commit to you with the situation I am in."
Everything drained out of me in that moment. Those words stung my soul. I had no strength to argue with him, or at least defend why he should. The inner psychological expert in me whispered to me that this is just free will. Every human being has it, and that's okay. I'm not going to force my construct onto him, forcing him to accept said construct.
"I do care for you, but I don't want to commit to you half-assed. It's not fair to you. Please, don't wait around for me."
I chuckled to myself, wiping away stray tears from my eyes.
"I'll always be here waiting for you, always. It's a part of my job, remember?" I smiled lightly, forcedly.
Something about him had changed in that moment. I almost didn't recognize the man in front of me. A switch had been flipped in his mind. His expression was stern and he turned away from me. Did I do something wrong? Was it something I said? The atmosphere around us became so tense. The air filled with tension to such an extent that one could have cut the air with a knife.
He started making his way to the door and I followed him. I just wanted him to know that I was there even when he didn't want me to; to establish that I still cared.
Peter opened the door to the mud room area and he started to head for the front door. He turned to me, almost as if he was going to say something, but he didn't.
"I'll be here for you, always, Peter." I said to him quietly.
His expression, let alone microexpressions, could not be read after I said that. He was like a stone. He walked out the door, keeping his back to me and walking briskly against the chill of the air. I closed the door and walked back into the living room, cleaning up our dinner. After I cleaned everything up, I just sat in the living room on the couch in his spot, in the dark. I tried to gulp back tears, but they came on regardless of my efforts to stop them. They were silent tears. I knew that a commitment into a relationship was a lot to think about. I wouldn't hesitate committing to him if it meant I could save the poor man from his fate.
"Just give him some time, Rosie. He'll come around...hopefully." I whispered to the walls of the darkened room.
I started to wonder what had just transpired. I didn't understand our whole transaction. There was almost a depressed vibe I got off of him after I told him I'd always be there in the living room. I don't understand how that switch got flipped so fast. But there was a reason why I was here: I was here to help him. I flipped on the lamp near the couch. I went to the bookshelf where I kept my DSM-V and read up on bipolar disorder and depressive episodes. I had a feeling what had just happened was related to this.
I laid there for some time, just thinking about what future we might have, if we did have one at all. I fell asleep on the couch, not knowing that he wouldn't come around for a while.
The next few weeks I tried to keep an eye on Peter. I would walk to the park that he worked at and would sit there with a book in my lap on a bench, waiting for Peter to make his rounds. When I did see him, he seemed like he was distanced from reality. He hardly looked around to observe his surroundings. I would sit on a bench, overlooking the water. It honestly hurt my being that he was just aimlessly drifting about life. Obviously, since he was not observant of his surroundings, he never noticed me. His posture was not his normal tall and proud one. In a way, he was kind of sulking. When he took his break, he just sat there on the bench a bit away from me. He looked like he had a lot on his mind. I saw the gears in his mind turning. I had a piece of paper in my purse so that I could take notes on and jotted down a few things about his demeanor.
I did this multiple times over the course of a few weeks. His demeanor and expression got better over the time I went to check up on him, but not significantly. Something was bothering him greatly. I wished I could talk to him, but I wanted the man to have his space. He knew I was there for him and he knew he could talk to me anytime. But he never stopped by to see me, to discuss what was on the front burner of his mind. Seeing him suffer in silence over whatever was bothering him drained me. That poor man.
The third week that I was checking up on him, I got an email to come back to the present day from Dr. Schmidt. I took my credentials, my purse and other necessities I needed and drove to the portal at the end of the alleyway. This was the first time I had gone back to the present day since I got to 1993. I didn't know what I was doing. I just assumed that you would run straight for the wall and it would take you back. Luckily, my assumption was correct. I ran as fast as I could towards the wall and I was sucked into this wormhole that was time and space, everything and nothing. I clutched my possessions with a death grip and after a minute I came through the portal on the other side. I dropped my bags to the ground as soon as I made it to my time.
"Ah, Rosemary! Glad you could make it back so soon." Dr. Schmidt had said, coming over to my side to greet me.
"Hi Dr. Schmidt." I said as I readjusted my clothing and hair. I was kind of dizzy from traveling at such an intense rate.
"My dear, would you like to sit?" Dr. Schmidt grabbed a hold of my arm and guided me towards the chair that was at the desk when I first time travelled.
I nodded as he took me to the chair. He left the room and grabbed me a glass of water. He sat down behind the desk, examining me.
"After you are feeling a bit better, I would like to discuss some things with you in my office."
The color drained from my face and I felt like the room was spinning. I tried taking little sips of my water.
"What could he possibly need to discuss with me? Did I do something wrong?"
Dr. Schmidt saw my face go pale and a laugh bellowed from his belly.
"Oh Rosemary, no need to fret. Just a matter of the case at hand."
I sighed in relief. I drank the rest of my water and put the cup down on the desk.
"I feel better. We can talk whenever you're ready."
He got up from the desk and headed towards the door that led from the time travelling room to the rest of the offices in the building. I followed him with my bags in hand, heading into the elevator and making some small talk with him. We got out of the elevator and he got his keys out to unlock his office. We headed into the room and I sat at the chair near his desk. He sat at his desk and he folded his hands.
"So, I'm curious about the state of your case. Have you made any progress?"
I reached down into one of my bags and pulled out his file, opening it up.
"Well, I am making a bit of progress. Peter and I had a...situation come up a few weeks ago and he hasn't talked to me in weeks. I had been keeping an eye on him at his work, observing him and taking notes."
Dr. Schmidt leaned back in his chair, eyeing me curiously.
"What kind of situation came up, my dear?"
My throat went dry and I coughed a bit.
"Well, it was a relationship situation." I said quietly as I looked down at my feet, fiddling with my fingers.
I heard his chair squeak as he turned his back to me to look out his window. A feeling of dread washed over me.
"Now, Rosemary, what is the nature of your relationship?"
"Um, I'm not entirely sure at this point, doctor." The white lie left my lips, and it was too late to take it back.
"Why are you avoiding this, Ms. Ivanov?" He turned his chair around quickly to face me, his expression light and he smiled. "Is there something more you're not telling me?"
I blushed crimson red and looked down at my feet once more.
"Well, you see, uh-" I didn't know what to say, beginning to stammer. "Possibly romantic?" I squeaked out the last part.
He threw his head back and laughed.
"Oh, my dear Rosemary. There's nothing to be ashamed of."
"I mean I'm not embarrassed. It's just that I initially went into this whole experiment with the intention of helping him and that was it. Now, everything is up in the air because there is romantic tension between us." I sighed and rubbed my head, leaning back in my own chair.
Dr. Schmidt leaned in over the desk to get closer to me.
"Between you and me dear, I think it was only natural for this to happen. You are human, after all." He whispered to me.
I huffed.
"I guess you're right. But will there be a problem with that? Being that I'm tampering with history and all? If what I am is in true history, and not a parallel universe of course."
"Personally, I don't think it's a problem. But, on the other hand, it is in the eyes of the Department of Defense. That's why I wanted to talk to you."
I leaned back and the dread I thought I quelled came creeping back into my body.
"So what you're saying is that our relationship would be frowned upon? But why would it matter? He's only one person. He's not anything special like a Hitler or a Ghandi."
"You see, my dear, events in time have a rippling effect. You might not think that one action is significant, but it is. Everyone is interrelated in time. The guy you meet at the coffee shop while holding the door for is still an interaction between you and one person. That split second where you decided to hold the door for him could have been another action, such as him getting the door for himself. Because you held the door for him, that could have delayed him by a few seconds. Those split seconds could mean life and death. He walks out of the coffee shop and he goes to cross the street, only to have a man in car come barrelling down the road. He gets out of the way just in the nick of time. If you didn't hold that door for him, he may have been killed. Do you see what I'm trying to say?"
I nodded understandingly and he continued to speak.
"So, we are already tampering with time and that's bad enough. We want to change the future for the better. I do not have a problem with you having a relationship with Mr. Ratajczyk, but essentially, the Department of Defense would say that you'd be tampering with time more than necessary. At the end of the day, I see you as doing your job. Mr. Ratajczyk did not live his life to his fullest potential and in a way, I see you as trying to save him from fate, playing God almost. But the Department of Defense doesn't want you and the others that were sent back in the experiment to play God like that. It's a conflict of interest because of the fact that they are playing God anyway, trying to help those with mental illness. Those mental illnesses were destined to play a role in their fate. They want you to play God, but they don't." He rubbed his temples. "My dear, it's a sticky situation. I would say continue what you're doing. You are essentially going to help him through his problems. Even if it means really tampering with time, you have my approval to do so. You will stop his drug addiction and other mental ailments in their tracks. If they have a problem with me, they can speak to me directly. I don't like causing rifts in this department, but I am a high ranking official and they have to respect what I'm doing here."
A thought came to my mind and I began to open my mouth to speak.
"I have a question though. I know that what I'm doing is essentially playing God, but I have this feeling that Peter and I have a stronger connection than just that of patient and client. I am a firm believer of the universe putting things into our lives on purpose. I remember the first day I got to 1993 and I was taking groceries out of my car. I dropped them on the sidewalk and Peter came to help me out of the blue. He was so nice to help me. After that, he came into my life more frequently. And now there is something between us that is budding, this romantic aspect, and my heart is telling me to do one thing while my brain is telling me to do the opposite." I sighed and looked up at the ceiling. I looked at Dr. Schmidt once more. "I have been having these dreams about Peter. Dreams of our potential future together. Please don't think I'm crazy, but they feel like premonitions. I have dreams of having children with him. Dreams of us happy together. It's a lot to take in and process. In a way, I feel like my mind is playing these cruel games with me. Ultimately, my question is, what do I do? I don't know if it would be okay if our relationship would progress like any other normal relationship..."
Dr. Schmidt eyed me, a tinge of sadness washing over him.
"I know what you're saying. Your mind isn't playing any tricks on you. You see, we at the Department of Defense have tried studying metaphysical aspects of life, the corporeal and incorporeal, that is. It's hard to go through, but you are not the only one having these thoughts and dreams. They are very real. You seem to be more in touch with the 'universe' than most, it seems." He reached his hands across the desk to hold mine comfortingly. "I went back into the time machine myself."
"I lost my wife and two daughters back in 1976 in a car accident. I was the only one that survived. After I had lost my whole family, I became very depressed. I contemplated committing suicide because a life without them was not worth living. But being a student of psychology, I overcame my problems and got my PhD in psychology. I did it for them. When I came to work in the government, I moved up the ladder and got the position that I am currently in now. We started working on this time machine over fifteen years ago. I was so excited to work on this project because I knew if it worked, I could go back to see my wife and children. That gave me the motivation to get this time machine up and running. I was one of the first to go through the time-space continuum. I got back to my wife and kids. They knew I had travelled back in time, seeing that I was much older than what I was in 1976. I saved them from their fate on that rainy November day. I got to see my daughters grow up, graduate high school and have families of their own. I saw my beautiful wife grow old and live a very fulfilled life. It gave me peace. When I came back to present day, my children and wife were still alive. I felt like my experience was only special to me because when others went back in time, did their work and came back, nothing seemed to have changed history. I guess it just depends on the energy of the person going back. We still haven't nailed down that hypothesis, though. But I have a feeling you are in true history. The one way you can do that is by asking Mr. Ratajczyk if any major or minor things have happened. Ask him when certain movies were released to theaters. Ask him if the World Trade Center bombing occured. Try and get a hold of newspapers. You know your history. If you see that certain events are lining up, then you are in true history.
Now on the case of you and Mr. Ratajczyk having a normal life together, remember this: our existence in the universe has a rippling effect across time. If you are feeling this pull to him, stay if you wish and we can write it off as you still doing your job. I just want to warn you though that my word won't completely stop others from trying to put the kibosh to your plans. You are not the only one who is travelling in time. There are government officials at every point in history, it seems. Some are even living in the past waiting for another person on their own team to slip. If they see you are doing something wrong or out of line, they won't hesitate in trying to eliminate you. There are also those that work for the government in 1993. They take orders from present day commanders and other officials who are connected to the present day. Keep an eye on yourself when you are back in 1993, please. I can only do so much for you."
"Well, thank you for letting me know. It's not my intention to disrupt history so much, but I don't want to live an unfulfilled life. I want to be happy and follow my heart. Right now, I'm loving where I'm at. I'm finally getting to do what I love. But now that job is giving me an opportunity to be happy with someone and it seems like there are others out to steal my happiness. I won't let it happen." I said, almost defiantly.
Dr. Schmidt couldn't help but laugh at my defiant response.
"My dear, you do need to do what makes you happy. But just remember that there are always people out there that want to steal your thunder, making you wish that you were never this happy. Government officials don't recognize this. They can be ruthless and stop at nothing to maintain order. I have a few people back in 1993 right now that I have connections with and if you would like, I can have them stave off those who have gotten red flags from what you're doing with Mr. Ratajczyk. Technically, what you're doing is purely work related. You are trying to get close to him so you can help him. If you develop a relationship with him, I can tell them it's purely work related. If you have children with him, it's purely work related, and so on. I'll try my best on my end to help you."
"Thank you again, Dr. Schmidt. I'm curious, but would it be possible to bring Peter back with me into the present day?"
"Hm...that is a good question. Honestly, I don't see why it wouldn't be okay. We can develop new ID for him and other necessary credentials. But the man is dead. We will just have to be careful to disguise his identity as much as possible. It would be strange to have a once dead man walking around, let alone in his younger form."
"That's understandable." I nodded in agreement. "Do you have anything else to discuss with me?"
"Mhm, not at the moment. If you want, you can leave base and see your family. I know that they want to see you." Dr. Schmidt stated, a small smile gracing his lips.
"That would be nice. Thank you Dr. Schmidt."
With that, he got up from behind his desk and I got up as well, following him to the door.
"Please be back tomorrow morning at 0700."
"Yes sir, I will."
I left his office, worrying about what my next course of action would be between Peter and I. This was a lot to take in. I exited the building and got to my car, thankful I could see my family again. I needed to speak with them. I didn't realize how much I needed them at that moment.