"I'm so sore" I groaned in a low, sleepy voice when I opened my eyes Sunday morning. I woke up with Taehyung's arm wrapped around my waist, his chin resting on my shoulder.
For a moment I thought he was still fast asleep but then he squeezed me in his arms and let out a low hummed "Mhmm".
"Sorry, babygirl" he mumbled after a moment of silence, his deep, raspy morning voice resembling that of someone who had screamed along to their favourite songs at a concert the night before. Cute.
His eyes were still closed, his honey skin warm from sleep and our bodies' close proximity. He pulled me back into his chest when I attempted to lift the covers off of us and sit up.
"Just a little longer" he muttered which was enough for me to comply and snuggle back into him, closing my eyes, just listening to his heartbeat.
"What's sore?" he asked after a while of silent cuddles.
"Everything"
"Hmm, you sure? I didn't even go that hard, I could've-" he teased.
I lightly boxed his arm, making him chuckle.
"Sorry" he grinned, slowly getting more awake.
I didn't say anything but couldn't stop a smile from forming on my lips. This felt an awful lot like we were dating. Me waking up in his arms, his tired groggy voice asking me to stay in his embrace for a little longer. I mean who cuddles like this with their casual hook-up?
And then it fucking hit me. The blonde girl. I never asked.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
"Taehyung?" I began hesitantly. Another moment of silence followed.
"Here" he muttered, seemingly drifting back into sleep. I turned around in his embrace to face him and he half-opened his eyes, a small lazy smile on his lips.
How do I go about this?
"Are we exclusive?" There. I just said it without thinking too much.
"Hm, what?" he played with a strand of my short hair, not really taking me serious, curling it around his finger.
"Is this-" I pointed to our naked bodies closely intertwined under his silky bed sheets "-exclusive? Are you seeing anyone else?"
"Why does it matter?" he asked when he realized I was serious.
Fuck.
"I was just wondering"
"But why?" he opened his eyes properly now. "Do you want us to be exclusive?" he sounded hesitant and- confused.
"N-No" I stumbled over my own words. Suddenly growing shy about asking. "I just wanted to know where we stand, I guess"
"Why do we have to put a label on it?"
"We don't" I shook my head, blushing. "But- just to make sure, you don't have a girlfriend, do you?" I couldn't help it. I just needed to push him a little more to assure he didn't have a girlfriend and I wasn't helping him cheat. I wouldn't be able to live with that.
He furrowed his eyebrows, pulling his arms back from hugging my body. He sat up, rubbing his eyes and I felt the absence of his body warmth hit me, wrapping the covers a little tighter around me.
"No, I don't. Now can you tell me what this is all about?" he sounded so annoyed that I didn't dare to mention the blonde girl. He clearly didn't wanna talk about this. I felt like an idiot.
"Sorry" I shook my head, covering my naked body by pulling the sheets up.
"I don't date" he said and my mouth went dry. "So, there's no way for me to have a girlfriend"
That sounded awfully familiar.
"What do you mean?"
"Exactly what I just said. I don't date. I don't care about commitment or being exclusive"
"Oh" I mumbled.
"Do you?" he asked.
"I mean I don't mind commitment" I said. "But this is fine"
"You sure?" he raised an eyebrow. "Because if you don't like the thought of me with someone else-"
"No, it's fine" I stopped him. "What you do is none of my business, sorry for asking"
His face softened. "I don't have a girlfriend, Hanna"
"I know, I believe you, sorry" I shook my head, embarrassed.
"Don't be sorry. I should be the one to apologize. My tone got unnecessarily rude there, sorry. I just thought you were hinting at starting a serious relationship"
"Oh gosh" I blushed a bright red. "Noo"
"Good" he smiled. "Just making sure there are no misunderstandings between us"
"Can I ask one more thing?"
"Sure" he nodded but I felt like he only agreed because he felt bad for snapping at me.
"Have you ever had a girlfriend before though?"
"Yes" he answered.
I stayed quiet when he didn't elaborate but kept expecting eye contact.
"When I was 15. We were together for a good year and met at a summer camp. After a while she moved away and the distance got too great and we had to break things off since neither of us could drive and we were both busy with school most of the time"
"And when do you think you will want something serious again?"
"I thought we said one question? But the answer is I don't know. Definitely not before I start university, likely not even then. I prefer something casual like this. Sometimes with multiple people. No strings attached. No feelings attached. No one's heart gets broken. Everyone knows where they stand with me"
That was a lot to digest. This meant that we were never gonna date. Why did that bother me? I remembered that I had told Sammy I wouldn't catch feelings and that having something casual with Taehyung was fine with me. But why did it bother me that us dating wasn't an option?
"So you wouldn't mind if I hooked up with other guys?"
"No" he shook his head. "You're free to do whatever you want."
He scanned my face for a reaction but I tried my best to stay as neutral as possible. I didn't even really know how I felt about all this myself yet.
"If that changes anything, if that makes you uncomfortable, even in the slightest or if it's just not something you want, you can always tell me and I wouldn't be upset with you if you wanted to reconsider things and pull out" he looked at me but I felt weird about meeting his eyes.
"I'll have to think about it, I don't know how I feel about this"
"That's fine" he nodded. "I get that this is not for everyone"
"Thank you for being understanding" I told him.
"Of course"
I left 10 minutes after that. Took the bus home. Told him something about not wanting to get caught by my parents. In reality though, I just wanted to leave. I didn't really feel like being in his bed anymore, even though I trusted him to have said the truth about not having a girlfriend.
Why the hell did I suddenly feel so weird though? Sad almost. Nothing happened, I guess. I had nothing to be upset about.
I believed him. If he could look into my eyes and say he didn't have a girlfriend, I believed him.
I mean yes, I had agreed to be fuck buddies and maybe I should've expected him to see other girls but for some reason I never thought that could be a possibility. Maybe because I didn't think about seeing anyone else I thought he wouldn't either. Dumb, dumb, dumb.
Maybe I should just let it go. I knew he wouldn't like if I questioned him about her. I had realized by now he preferred to keep a lot of things private.
When I got off the bus and was walking up the street to my house, I decided to stop thinking about what just happened and instead focused my energy on how I could get back into the house without being suspicious.
Of course there was no way I could sneak back into my room by the window, I was no spider man after all that could just climb walls with ease. Instead I called my sister and she agreed to pretend we had been out in the garden playing this morning.
My parents didn't suspect anything, of course they were busy again and on their laptops anyways. I probably wouldn't even have had to come up with a plan since they didn't ask or suspect anything. I didn't know whether that should make me feel better or worse about sneaking out.
Positive side: I now knew how to successfully sneak out at night.
Negative: my parents didn't even notice that their own daughter was gone for about half a day, confirming that they really couldn't care less about me.
The only tricky part now was getting back into my room since I had locked it from the inside. I had to carry out another Twilight spider-monkey mission and climb from my bathroom's window over to my room's window, climb back into my room and unlock the door, not forgetting to also shut the bathroom window again.
"Where were you?" Clara asked, eyeing the bag that I had brought over to Taehyung's place.
"With a boy" I decided not to lie. I always felt terrible lying to my sister. She was one of the only people always sticking up for me.
"What boy?" she asked.
"You don't know him, little one" I smiled, unpacking my bag.
"Why were you with him and not home?" none of her questions sounded accusing, only curious.
"Because I was really upset last night and I thought seeing him would make me feel better" I sighed.
"Oh, did it make you feel better?"
I looked at my little sister in her cute green dress, her blonde hair up in a bun, big eyes staring up at me.
"No" I shook my head after thinking about her question for a moment. "No, it didn't"
I was suddenly overwhelmed with all the returning emotions from the argument I had with my parents yesterday and how my future seemed set in stone to them, even though I got no say in what that future would look like.
I couldn't help but burst into tears out of nowhere. I thought I had my shit together and that I wouldn't cry in front of Clara because that usually really upset her but I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I sunk down onto the floor, covering my face with my hands and crying into my knees to at least not let her see the pain in my eyes.
It didn't take long before I felt her sit down next to me, her hands stroking my arms and gently patting my head. "Please don't be sad, Hanna"
"I'm sorry, baby" I let out after I had cried for a while and let the worst of it out.
"Why were you fighting with mum and dad?" she asked in a small voice, still stroking my arms.
"It's a bit complicated" I wiped my wet cheeks with the sleeves of my sweatshirt. "They want me to go to a college I really don't want to go to" I tried to simplify it.
"Why do they want you to go if you don't want to?"
"So I can make money and take over their business when I'm done"
"And you don't want that?"
"No" my voice broke off and I nearly started crying again. "I would much rather do something I like and build my own career"
"Maybe they will change their mind" she said after a moment of thinking. "Maybe you can convince them?"
"Yes, maybe I can" I nodded my head, stroking her cheek. "I hope so"
"Want me to cheer you up?" she smiled, holding my hand.
"That would be great, just let me shower first, deal?"
"Deal!" she beamed.
I spent the rest of the day with my sister. We got ice cream at a parlor close to our street and she told me about what she was learning in school and all her new friends.
Spending the day with her made me realize how little time we had spent with each other recently. I had always pushed it off for studying, Sammy and Cat or Taehyung. I hadn't realized how much I had missed her.
Clara was a ray of sunshine in my life. You really couldn't help but be happy around her. She got excited about the smallest things and was always so full of energy.
I made a silent promise to myself to spend more time with her. Someone as bubbly and good hearted as her didn't deserve parents that never had time for her or an older sister that never prioritized her.
The whole family had dinner together since Sunday was the only day everyone was home and my mum was desperately trying to make at least one family dinner a week a tradition.
I was still so upset with them I could barely meet my parents' eyes but I sat down for dinner with them for Clara's sake. For her I at least wanted to try.
The food was take-out again but at least neither of them were on their phones and they actually seemed to listen to Clara for once when she told them about her school week.
She was only in elementary school now but I wondered whether my parents would be as controlling with her when she got to high school and had to decide on a future. I hope not. I really hope not.
I didn't speak to them the entire evening except for "yes", "no", "thank you", "good night" but then again that wasn't too abnormal. That's how most Sunday nights went.
I make it sound like my family life is incredibly miserable but to be honest you don't miss what you've never had. And it's been like this since I can remember, at least with my dad.
I always tell myself that you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends and Sammy, Cat and Dom were like my family. And of course I always had Clara.
I let Clara sleep in my bed with me that night. She thought I was doing her a favor because she loved sleeping next to me in my big bed but really I was doing it more for myself. I needed her presence. I needed someone to cuddle with and to prevent me from crying again.
The argument with my parents wouldn't leave my mind. It made me feel incredibly anxious because I knew how serious they were. I completely depended on them, at least financially and that thought was terrifying because it meant I truly didn't have a choice.
By the end of the day I felt exhausted. Completely drained. I had no energy left to rethink my conversation with Taehyung. That needed to wait.
I decided it would probably be best to talk to Sammy and Cat at school tomorrow and tell them what was going through my head. No point in wasting sleep over this. I needed the energy.
"Thank you" I whispered to Clara as we were both slowly falling asleep in each other's arms.
"Sometimes I feel like you should be the big sister" I whispered to her but she couldn't hear me because she had already fallen fast asleep.
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A/N: thank you for your patience! i hope you're still enjoying this story. please leave me your thoughts!💜
all the love,
Umi