Damian's pov
Monday 3rd May 2021
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I still hate talking with Orion but Marcus threatened me so I had to come.
"Have you had anymore suicidal thoughts" he asks.
"No," I answer.
"Don't lie, have you had any suicidal thoughts?"
"A few, but nothing bad."
"Elaborate," he says as he scribbles on his notepad.
"I don't know, just guilt again. I shouldn't be here," I say and Orion waits for me to keep going. "It's just so unfair that Marcus went through so much worse than me and I didn't stop it from happening. He got terrible scars while I'm totally okay. I was supposed to keep Marcus safe and I put him in danger by banning Adrian from my club."
"What would you have done differently?"
"I'd have kept Adrian at the club, then at least I could have kept an eye on him."
"But didn't Adrian want you to become his submissive? How would that have worked?"
"I'd have told him no but that we could stay friends."
"You know Adrian would never have taken no for an answer."
"I could have tried."
"You know it wouldn't have worked. Two things could have happened, either you accepted to become Adrian's slave consensually and Marcus was okay, or you kept saying no and Adrian abducted you both anyways to force you into submission. You have to realise there was nothing you could have done, Adrian was always going to be jealous of yours and Marcus' relationship."
I look away from Orion and don't answer him. His logic is making my brain hurt. I know I could have stopped it from happing, but now I can't think of what I'd have done.
"Do you still have the same suicide plan? Wait until Marcus doesn't need you anymore?" Orion asks when he realises I'm not going to talk about that anymore.
"Yeah," I say with a sigh.
"Well nothing else is going to change with Marcus' life. He's over the bad times now but if you've noticed, he still needs you. Which means he always will need you. That means you'll never have the opportunity to kill yourself like you were expecting," Orion explains.
I take a moment to think as my mind tries to gather what he's just said. Marcus still needs me now but he won't in the future. Will he?
"So... I'm waiting for something that won't ever happen?"
"Exactly, which means I don't think you can try to kill yourself again. You still need help to get over your guilt and suicidal thoughts, but I think this is a breakthrough you needed."
"I'll always have a reason to keep going because Marcus will always need me," I say as I look down at my hands.
"That's right. Now think of more reasons why you have to stay here," he says.
"I don't know," I say but Vinny comes to mind.
"I can see you thinking," Orion pushes.
"This guy I've been sleeping with, Vincent. He would probably miss me," I tell him.
"Tell me about him."
"He's great. He's Italian and really hot. We've had sex quite a few times and we always text and FaceTime."
"Is he your boyfriend?"
"No, just fuck buddies."
"Would you like him to be your boyfriend?"
"Maybe in the future but we don't know each other very well yet."
"Why not take him on a date to get to know him better?" He suggests.
"We kind of did already but I'm not sure if it was a date. He came over and I made him dinner then we fucked and he slept over. Every time we've been together we've fucked so I think we're just friends with benefits for now," I say and Orion nods.
"Is he in the lifestyle?"
"Not really, but we've done some kinky things together," I say and Orion blushes a little.
"Would you ever bring him into the lifestyle? If anyone is fitted to train someone new it would be you."
"Maybe, I'm too scared to ask him in case he doesn't want to."
"Maybe it's worth having the conversation."
"I'll try."
"I'm happy you're keeping yourself busy. Being retired can get boring when everyone you're friends with still work," he says and I nod.
"Yeah, Marcus is always asleep until noon so it's nice to be able to talk to Vincent during the day."
"You've made so much progress you know? You used to just sit and sulk after Marcus had dragged you here but now you actually talk about your feelings. I'm positive you'll get over your guilt in time," he tells me with a warm smile.
The rest of the appointment goes by okay, he asks me about some more things I enjoy doing and pushes me to get a hobby that doesn't revolve around bdsm. He gives me some ideas like sewing, painting, sports, and even gardening. I already go to the gym and run but he wants me to start an actual sport which I'm not interested in.
I'm going to see Marcus now anyways so I say goodbye to Orion and drive to the club. I ring the doorbell and Nathan answers with a smile. He's only in a pair of sweatpants as he hugs me quickly and takes me to the living room where Cole is playing video games in a tiger onesie.
"Damian!" He cheers and runs over to hug my tightly. I see his game screen turns red as his character dies.
"You lost your game," I say as he holds on tight.
"Hugging you is more important," he says with a big smile. He finally lets go as Marcus comes in from the kitchen dressed the same as Nathan.
"Hey, how did your appointment with Orion go?" He asks as he eats a slice of pizza.
"It was fine, but I've got something to tell you," I say and he looks concerned. "It's good news."
"Come sit down and tell us then," he says and I sit on the couch with Cole next to me.
"Well I've been hooking up with this guy and-"
"You have a boyfriend!" Cole shouts and Nathan scolds him for interrupting me. Marcus looks intrigued but let's me continue.
"No I don't have a boyfriend. He's just a fuck buddy. But I thought I'd tell you because Marcus wanted to know why I haven't been to the club recently," I explain and Cole frowns.
"Could he be your boyfriend in the future?" Cole asks hopefully.
"Maybe, but I'm not sure yet."
"What's his name?" Marcus asks.
"Vincent, he's Italian."
"Is he hot?" Nathan asks and Marcus nudges him. "What? I want to know."
"He is very hot actually. And he has no gag reflex," I say with a smirk and Cole gasps.
"Really? That's so cool! You're so lucky!"
"Yeah I am, he's great," I say and Marcus smiles.
"You're smitten with him," Marcus says.
"No I'm not," I argue as I blush a little.
"Yes you are! We have to meet him sometime," he says.
"I don't know about that, he might not be my boyfriend," I say and Nathan laughs.
"The way you're talking about him, he's your boyfriend," he says and I roll my eyes.
"You're jumping to conclusions. I'm having fun with him and if it progresses that's okay but if it doesn't I'm fine with that too," I tell him and he holds his hands up in defeat.
"Okay, but don't say I didn't tell you when you end up getting married."
"You're so pushy," I laugh.
"We just want to see you happy," Cole says as he hugs my arm.
"I know, and I really am thankful for that. Now can we do something fun before Marcus has to go to work?"
"Monopoly!" Cole says as he jumps up and goes upstairs.
"He's a devil when we play monopoly," Marcus says with a sigh.
"I'll let him win," I say with a wink
Cole brings the game down and sets it up for us on the low coffee table. He gives us all our money and we decide which pieces we'll use. I get the top hat and Cole rolls first because he's the youngest.
I actually have a lot of fun playing the board game. Cole is a devil and I get a house thrown at me but Marcus quickly warns Cole and threatens him with a punishment if he doesn't behave. I can see Nathan is winning with the most amount of money but throughout the game he slips money to Cole so he doesn't go bankrupt. Marcus seems to have noticed too as we all smile to each other.
"You owe me 4 million in rent!" Cole cheers as I land on his property. Fuck.
"You horrible little man," I say as I hand him the money. He's grinning from ear to ear as he put the money with his pile.
"I'm just so good at this game," he says cheekily.
Cole ends up winning when me, Marcus and Nathan are all bankrupt and Cole owns the whole board. We tidy it away and I laugh when Cole starts to get horny with his husbands. We put a movie on as Cole straddles Marcus and kisses his neck.
"I've got to go to work soon, sweetheart," Marcus says and Cole pouts.
"Do you have to go? The club is closed tonight anyways," He asks with puppy dog eyes.
"I'm doing Dom training with someone who wants it to be very private for now. You stay here with Nathan and Damian," Marcus says as he pushes Cole into Nathan's lap.
"See you later," Nathan says as Marcus kisses them both goodbye.
"Where's my kiss?" I joke and he rolls his eyes.
"You don't get a kiss," he says as he goes to leave the room. I can see the scars on his back when he turns around which makes my mood plummet. They are still very deep and raised because of how much damage was done. He said they won't be faint for another year or so which just makes me feel so much more guilty. Marcus leaves to go do his job as Nathan offers me a cup of tea.
"I'm alright, I think I should go home now anyways," I say and Nathan frowns.
"Are you sure? You're welcome to stay the night," he says but I shake my head.
"I've got some stuff to do at home, thank you for the fun afternoon. I'll talk later," I say with a smile. They both say goodbye and I go out to my car, taking deep breaths as I get in the drivers seat.
I want to hurt myself and give myself the scars I deserve but I can't because then everyone would know how I'm really feeling. I drive home, my hands gripping the steering wheel tightly as I stop myself from just crashing the car and ending it now.
It feels like there's two parts of my brain fighting against each other. One side is saying to kill myself now and end it all. The other is saying I'd be letting Marcus down if I did that.
I get home and go straight to my freezer to get some ice. I hold them in my hands as the stinging pain soothes my mind. I slide down to the floor and sit with my back against the cabinets as my hands shake.
I jump when my phone rings in my pocket. I throw the ice into the sink and dry my hands quickly before I answer the call.
"Hello?" I answer as I try to keep my voice steady.
"Hello dolcezza," Vincent says through the phone.
"Hey Vinny," I say as I smile.
"Can I come over? I want to see you," he says and my heart skips a beat.
"Yes, you can come over. I want to see you too."
"I have to admit, I am already outside so could you open the door?" He says with a laugh. I go to the front door and open it to see the him on the doorstep. He hangs up the phone and puts it in his pocket as he stands up and kisses me. I put my phone down and kiss him back forcefully, pulling him inside and pushing his back against the door.
"Can we get drunk together?" He asks as he breaks the kiss.
"Sounds fun. I've got things to make cocktails," I say and I show him to the kitchen. He glances at the ice cubes in the sink but doesn't say anything as we start to get alcohol out of the cupboard. We both sit on an island stool as we start drinking the very strong drink he's made.
"Can I tell you something Damian," he says when we've both drank a glass each.
"Of course."
"I like you. I can be myself around you without worrying."
"I like you too," I say and he smiles. "When I'm with you, all the badness goes away."
"That is sweet. You're the only person who doesn't expect me to be Vincent Romano. I can just be Vinny with you," he says and downs his drink.
We both move to the living room with more alcohol and sit on the couch. He cuddles against me as we talk about random things, progressively getting more drunk.
I don't know how long we stay awake, but we both are soon falling asleep on each other as my mind feels fuzzy.
"Goodnight Vinny," I slur and he looks up slowly.
"Buona notte," he says back as his head falls onto my chest and his eyes close.
My eyelids feel heavy as I realise he stopped me from hurting myself with just a phone call.
Translations:
Buona notte- Goodnight