I'd love you to love me.
***
Brook wrapped his hands around the steaming mug of tea, blowing on it gently before he took a sip. Rye and I watched him, exchanging nervous looks between us as we gave him his time to talk.
"Sorry for coming over," he said eventually. "I didn't know where else to go, I just walked right out of the house."
"What happened?" I asked gently.
"We had a big fight."
"Because?"
He looked at me shamefully. "It gonna sound stupid."
"I'm sure it's not, Brook."
Brook sighed. "He didn't wanna come with me to my cousins's wedding."
"Why not?" I frowned. "He's met a lot of your family already, right?"
"That's what I said," Brook groaned. "But he freaked out because apparently family events are a huge deal now that we're dating."
"And you don't think so?"
"Well, no. Not for my family at least," Brook explained. "They know Jack and I already told them we're together. I got my mum all excited about me bringing him home again as my official boyfriend. It's embarrassing."
"Don't you think that's jumping the gun if you hadn't asked Jack yet?" Rye cut in, and I shot him a what the fuck? look, Brook clearly just needing to be listened to right now.
"It's not like I'm asking him to come out to his family yet," Brook argued. "But this is important to me and he outright refused to do it."
"Is that why you broke up?" I asked.
"Yeah, I guess but it's kinda deeper than that," Brook went on sadly. "It goes back to the whole reason I didn't wanna go there with him in the first place. I love him, I really do, but I've been out of the closet for years. I'm not going to start hiding my relationships now, especially to my family. Why should I?"
"That's fair," I said.
Brook hummed. "Anyway it turned into a whole thing. We both said things... Worst part is I feel horrible now about walking out on him because I'm scared he's gonna relapse again."
"Maybe you shouldn't have walked out on him then," Rye said.
"Rye!" I cut him off scoldingly. He was being out of line, and the fact that he'd chosen this hill to die on made me more than uncomfortable.
"I'm just saying if you love him then you should give him time."
"But what about what Brook needs?" I argued before Brook could speak for himself. "He's not asking for for much more than not having to walk back into the closet where his own family is concerned."
"They still know he's gay."
"But having to hide his relationship is essentially the same thing," I said, looking at him with concern. The conversation was obviously hitting home for him.
"I didn't mean to cause trouble for you two." Brook looked guiltily between us. "I can go."
"Don't be silly," I told him. "You can stay here as long as you need."
He shot me a grateful smile. "Thanks."
"And you shouldn't feel guilty about having a fight," I added. "Your needs matter to." I looked at Rye as I made a point to echo the very words he'd used for me all those years ago when Mikey had been treating me poorly just because he wasn't ready to come out. It wasn't an excuse for him then, and it wasn't a good one for Jack now.
"I just can't help it," Brook said, his face crumpling as he broke down again, his head falling into his hands.
"Hey, hey," I comforted, stroking a hand down his back. "You've had a long day. Sleep it off in my room. I'll ask Liv to check in on Jack."
"Okay," Brook nodded, those words seeming to make him feel better. "Thanks, Andy."
He got up off the couch, wiping his tears as he walked off into my room.
"You good?" I glared at Rye. "He was upset."
"So that means I have to automatically agree with him?" Rye challenged.
"No, it just means you have to be a human, Ryan," I rolled my eyes. "Why were you so pressed anyway?"
"It just sounds like Jack was totally blindsided," Rye shrugged. "If you'd have done that to me I might have reacted the same."
"Oh really?" I raised a challenging eyebrow at the statement.
"Maybe you don't get how hard these things are when you've had yourself figured out since you were a teenager." There he went again, insinuating that I couldn't possibly understand his problems just because I'd gone through them at an earlier time of my life. It was insulting and inaccurate to say the least, his words causing anger to bubble within me.
"Well lucky for you I wouldn't ask you to do that since we're not even together," I shot back. His hurt expression almost made me regret pulling that card.
"Is that so?" he asked. "What are we then?"
"Well by the sounds of it I'm just a progression of your little experiment with Sonny," I replied sourly. "I mean if the idea of people thinking you're anything but straight is that offensive to you..."
"Then what?"
"Then maybe you are!" It was the first time I'd voiced aloud the fears that had been plaguing me all this time, the very ones that had held me back from having this conversation with him in the first place.
"You honestly think that?"
"How should I know?"
"I fucked you this morning, Andy, maybe that's your first clue."
"Sex doesn't necessarily mean anything."
Rye laughed. "Really? You think this is about sex for me? That's a joke, Andy." A cruel, humourless laugh burst out of him, the sight making me see red.
"I must be a joke to you if you find this conversation so funny," I seethed.
"It's only funny 'cause it's ridiculous."
"So you're saying we are together?" That shut him up, the laughter dying out as he went silent. "That's what I thought."
"It's only complicated because it's us, Andy."
"Why don't you just admit it?" I said, tears of my own forming now because he couldn't look me in the eyes and tell me we were more than friends.
"Admit what?"
"That you don't know what the fuck you want with me."
I slumped back onto the couch, cursing myself as the tears slipped down my cheeks. This whole fight had happened so quickly, but I knew that was because we'd been dancing so close to the edge this whole time. And I had only myself to blame, for giving into him when I knew whatever he felt for me would never match the years of tormented love I'd saved up for him.
"Baby," he said, sitting down next to me and placing a hand on my shoulder.
I shook him off. "Don't 'baby' me right now."
"I'm sorry." He took a deep breath, letting it out in a sigh as we sat together in the silence for a while. "I know it's not fair."
"Yeah, but what are we supposed to do about it?"
"Maybe we should chill?"
I looked at him. "You mean go back to being friends without benefits?"
He shrugged as if he couldn't think of a better alternative. "I don't wanna be another Mikey for you, Andy. You deserve more than that."
"Maybe you already are," I muttered. At that, he got up and left, walking into his room while I sat still, letting the tears stream freely down my face.
After a while I gathered myself, calling Liv to let her know she should check on Jack. After she agreed, I wandered into my room, crawling into my bed next to Brook.
"Hey," he said, lifting up the duvet to let me under it.
"Hey."
"You okay? I heard shouting."
I just hummed, Brook getting the message. We were far from okay.
"I feel terrible," Brook murmured. "I've ruined two relationships today."
"Rye and I don't have a relationship," I told him. "That's the whole problem."
"I wished it was enough that they loved us," he said, and I hummed again, turning around so he could wrap his arms around me and cuddle into me. I wished for a lot of things. I wished that the love between Rye and I was enough to sustain us. I wish he loved me enough to make it so. I wished that I loved someone like Brook, who would give me everything I needed from love. Most of all, I wished that my heart would listen to what I wanted, instead of screwing me time and time again.
Though I would have preferred to be alone, I was forced to sleep in Rye's room, Brook having claimed mine for the night and it wouldn't have been right for me to spend the night with him. Rye didn't say a word when I climbed under the duvet, although I could tell by his breathing he wasn't asleep yet. I laid down, leaving a gap between us, tempted to erase it despite the anger I was still feeling towards him. It felt like we were a ticking time bomb- one more spark away from an explosion. All I wanted was to hold him while I could, until we both burst into flames.
A/N: i know this is a bit short- i made a last minute decision to split this chapter cos a lot happened in it. so now the book has 36 total ha