"Hi, Raffy!" bati sa akin ni Elijah, yung leader ni Claude. "Nandoon si Claude, samay snack bar."
Hindi ko alam kung bakit pakiramdam ko ay sasabog na ang dibdib ko sa kaba. Ngayon lang ulit kami magkikita since we came home from Sagada.
"Uy, Raffy!" Natalia smiled at me. "Claude oh!"
Napalingon kaagad si Claude na naglalagay ng popcorn sa isang paper bag. Tipid niya akong nginitian.
"Hey," bati ko sa kanya. "Need help?"
Binigyan niya ako ng isa pang sandok at sabay kaming nag-lagay ng popcorn sa mga paper bag. Medyo maaga pa kaya wala pang masyadong tao at nagseset up palang yung iba ng drinks para sa pre-party.
"How are you?" tanong niya.
Hindi ko alam kung paano siya sasagutin. This past week, I've been reflecting on everything that's been happening. Parang ang daming nangyari ever since this year started.
And I don't want to keep lying anymore. I don't want to lie to Claude, to me and to God. I can't keep doing things just for other people to see.
"I've been thinking lang," I answered him. "A lot."
Tinaasan niya naman ako ng kilay. "About?"
Nagkibit balikat ako. "Stuff."
This is the coldest conversation I've ever had with him. Parang mas marami pa ata kaming napaguusapan nung hindi kami close. Nung hinahatid hatid niya lang ako sa bahay.
"Me too," he said.
Parang bumigat ang kalooban ko nang marinig ko 'yon.
Ano mga iniisip niya? Naisip niya ba kami? Naisip niya ba kung ano mangyayari?
Ilang linggo na rin akong dinadala ni Claude dito, but I haven't really felt anything that special. I mean, naririnig ko naman yung ibang sermons nila but... I feel like this really isn't for me.
"Let's talk after," sabi niya sa akin.
Tumango ako sa kanya at tumulong na lang nang tahimik. May mga ibang nakikipagusap sa akin na leaders kaya hindi ko na masyadong nakasama si Claude. Hindi ko alam kung bakit pakiramdam ko maiiyak ako any time.
Pagka-start ng service ay nasa magkabilang dulo kami ni Claude. Kaharap na kaharap ko siya. The only thing that was in between was the stage. Katabi niya si Natalia at mukhang nagtatawanan pa sila.
Masaya siya.
Alam ko namang sasaya siya, kahit hindi sa akin.
Right now, I've never felt more alone. I feel like I've totally cut off everything from my first love, ruined things with the guy I now love, and I can't bring myself to share my messed up problems with my other friends. Hindi pa ako maka-focus sa mga readings ko dahil nawawalan na ako ng gana.
And seeing Claude happy like that just makes me realize how dispensable I really am. Hindi naman talaga ako gano'n ka-importante.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit ba ako nandito. I feel like I just mess everything up all the time.
Once the worship team started playing praise songs, I tried. I really tried to enjoy it. Since this was going to be my last time here, I might as well let it all go here.
Kaharap na kaharap ko si Claude, kahit na malayo siya ay kitang kita ko ang luha niya habang nagwoworship. Naka-pamulsa lang siya at binaba niya ang ulo niya. It's so different from how I saw him the first time he was worshipping.
And it broke my heart.
I decided to close my eyes. Parang ang dami nang naka-baon na luha pero hindi ko mailabas. Sobrang bigat na ng lahat. Pakiramdam ko wala na akong masabihan na maski sa acads ko ay pabitaw na ako dahil sobrang bigat ng kurso namin. Pakiramdam ko huhusgahan ako sa mga pagkakamali ko with Claude. Pakiramdam ko huhusgahan akong wala akong naramdaman sa Diyos sa bawa't dala sa akin ni Claude dito.
Baka wala na talagang pag-asa para sa akin?
Hindi ito para sa akin. I am not like these people. These people are good and kind. Ang layo layo ko sa kanila. Bakit ko ba pinagsisiksikan ang sarili ko dito sa lugar na 'to?
God, are you even there? Do you even hear me?
"I don't know who needs this right now..." Rinig kong sabi ng worship leader. "But the Holy Spirit is really impressing something in my heart that someone needs this tonight."
Nakapikit pa rin ako habang nakikinig. My arms were not raised, I was not bowing down on the floor. I just stood there with my arms folded.
"He is with you. He has always been with you. Jesus already saw your mistakes even before you made them. And yet He still chose to die for you."
Tumayo bigla ang balahibo ko at hindi ko na napigilan ang iyak ko.
"None of us here deserve to be here, but You are good, God." The voice of the worship leader broke.
I could hear the cries of everyone else in this room. The whole atmosphere felt so different.
The overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God. It chases me down, fights 'til I'm found, leaves the ninety-nine. I couldn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, still, You give Yourself away.
Hindi ko namalayang naka-luhod na pala ako habang umiiyak. I felt as if someone else had his arms around me, but no one was there. As if someone carried all my burdens for me. And for the first time in my life, I felt a love that was greater than anything else. A love that saw how broken I was, but accepted me. A love that saw how much I ran away from it, but still chased me down.
A love that died for me, no matter how imperfect I am. I never deserved it, not even for a minute.
I know it's heavy, I hear from my head. I know you feel like you've messed up too much. I know you feel like you've done too many wrong things. But I still love you. I'm still waiting for you.
As the worship lead to another song, I couldn't help but apologize. Not to anyone else, but to the One who was listening to me as I had my eyes closed. I'm sorry I hardened my heart. I'm sorry I closed You off.
For the first time, I feel like I've come home.
The rest of the night already made me feel so light. Like someone else took my burdens and problems. Tumatak talaga sa akin yung word, which was about salvation.
"You aren't saved by good works and faith," the pastor said. "You are saved by grace. You only need faith! Good works are the fruit of your salvation."
I couldn't help but reflect on everything I thought God was. Everything I thought Church was. I had such a wrong mindset, and I let it get in the way of me connecting with Jesus. I allowed those thoughts to consume me, to hinder my progress.
Pagkatapos ng service, nasa labas lang ako at hinahanda ang sarili kong kausapin na si Claude. Lumabas siya at dumiretso sa akin. Nakita ko ang usok galing sa bunganga niya dahil sa lamig.
"Uh.." He scratched the back of his head. "Gutom ka ba?"
"Sakto lang," I answered.
Hindi rin kami makakapag-usap nang maayos dito dahil maraming mga tao. Lumingon lingon ako at nanatiling tahimik.
"Volante?" he asked.
Ngumuso ako at sumunod sa kanya patungo sa sasakyan niya. It's only been a week but the feeling of sitting in the passenger seat of his car already feels so foreign to me. Tahimik lang kaming dalawa habang sinisimulan niya yung sasakyan.
Automatic na nag-play yung kanta sa phone ko galing sa Spotify kaya hinanap ko kaagad 'yon. Ano ba 'yan! Panira!
"Stupid love pa rin pinapakinggan mo?" He laughed.
I smiled at him, but something inside still made my heart ache.
Maybe it's his smile, or his laugh. Maybe it's knowing that this is coming to end.
Dumaan siya sa Bonifacio at dumiretso pataas ng Session Road. Saktong may parking malapit sa Volante kaya doon na siya nag-park. Sabay kaming nag-lakad paloob ng Volante. Every other table was taken, except the table by the window.
The same table we first sat in.
"Ano order mo?" he asked.
"Hot chocolate lang," sagot ko.
Tinaasan niya ako ng dalawang kilay.
"Really?" he asked.
Tumango ako. Wala ako sa posisyon na kapalan ang mukha ko.
Tinawag ni Claude ang isang waitress habang naka-tingin sa menu.
"Order niyo po?" tanong nung waitress.
"One spicy chicken fillet, corsican rice," sabi niya sa waitress habang yung waitress ay nagsusulat sa maliit na papel. "And one breakfast meal. Yung may bacon."
Nagorder na rin si Claude ng inumin at umalis na rin ang waitress pagkatapos niya ulitin ang order.
"Kanino yung breakfast meal?" tanong ko kay Claude.
"Sa'yo," he answered.
Parang mas nasaktan ako. Mas masakit pala kapag alam mong may pakialam pa rin sa'yo yung tao. Pag alam mong natatandaan pa rin niya yung maliliit na detalye tungkol sa'yo. Mas masakit dahil alam mong kailangan mo nang bitawan lahat ng 'yon.
We both stayed silent while looking at the people outside. Gabi na at mukhang uulan. It looked very foggy outside. A typical cold Baguio cuddle weather.
"I'm sorry," sambit ni Claude kaya bumaling ako sa kanya. "I was cold. And-"
"Okay lang." I tried to smile. "I understand. Mali ko 'yun, eh."
Tahimik ulit. Nanatili kaming tahimik hanggang dumating yung pagkain. Medyo nanginig pa ako sa lamig.
Sa ngayon, hindi ko alam kung ano ba mas malamig, yung panahon o yung usapan namin.
"So..." I started.
"So..."
Ngumuso ako. Hindi pa namin ginagalaw ang pagkain namin. Yung kamay ko ay naka-dikit lang sa baso ng hot chocolate ko.
"I'm sorry, Claude," I told him. "It's best siguro for the both of us to just..."
Nagulat ako sa biglang tunog ng phone ko. Parehas kami ni Claude na napatingin doon.
"Sorry, wait lang," I told Claude.
He leaned back and kept his eyes looking outside.
Jax: Raf, usap tayo please.
Jax: I have no other intentions. Let's just talk. Please.
Tumikhim si Claude nung tumunog ulit yung phone. I immediately declined Jaxon's call.
"Sorry," sabi ko. "I think it's-"
"It's best if we just stop," malamig niyang sabi. "We aren't meant for each other. That's that."
I bit my lower lip. I know it's for the best, but why does he have to be so harsh about it?
Hingi niya yung bill at binayaran kaagad 'yon. Hindi niya pa nagagalaw yung kape at pagkain niya pero tumayo kaagad siya. I didn't know what to say.
"Bye. Ingat," he said and walked away.
Napapikit ako. Hindi ko napigilan yung pagbuhos ng luha ko. It's almost 10 in the evening and I'm sitting alone in a restaurant, crying my eyes out. Bumabalik nanaman yung pakiramdam na wala na akong makapitan. Na wala nanaman akong kwenta.
But now, it's different.
I do have something to hold on to. Someone to hold on to.
Alam ko na ngayon yung ibig sabihin ni Vale nung sinabi niyang hindi si Jaxon ang first love ko. I don't need Jaxon's love right now, and I don't need Claude's love, as well. I'm coming back to my first love, and I just established a relationship with Him earlier tonight.
Why should I let this moment ruin that?
Pinasa ko sa katabi ko yung exam papers at sinimulan nang sagutan yung sa akin. Patapos na ang short term at hindi na rin kami nag-uusap ni Claude. It's for the best, I guess.
"Nasagutan mo yung last 10?" tanong ko kay Vale habang naglalakad kami palabas ng classroom.
Huminto kami samay hagdan para hintayin si Selena.
"Oo, ikaw ba?"
"Medyo." I shrugged. "Di ako sure sa iba."
"Okay lang yan, pasado ka naman." He laughed and messed up my hair. "Musta ka naman?"
I took a deep breath. It hurts, but it's worth it. I had to have my heart broken twice in order for me to find out na I wasn't going to fix it by myself, and other guys certainly won't fix it as well. My heart belongs to God to begin with. It was a painful price to pay, but it's worth it.
"I'm great." Ngiti ko kay Vale. "Pumupunta na ako sa Church, by myself. Pero hindi ko na masyadong nakikita si Claude doon."
"Ilang beses na kitang inimbita sa Church namin!" sabi niya sabay tawa. "Wala 'to, favoritism."
I lightly punched his arm and laughed. Vale isn't that active in his Church, but I know that he comes from a Christian family, as well.
"Alam ko na pala yung sinasabi mo!" I smiled.
"Na?" kunot noo niyang tanong.
"Jax isn't my first love," sambit ko.
Humalukipkip naman si Vale at tinignan ako. A small smile was already plastered on his face.
I smiled even wider.
"It's Jesus."