twelve "the before"
✨
(1994 — two academic years ago)
MIA BLACK, IN ALL OF HER SUNNY yet gloomy life, has never been this overwhelmed. And that's not to say Mia never gets nervous, like this — she's Emilia Black's daughter, what do you expect? But she's never been this level of overwhelmed, because it isn't just nervousness. It's excitement and fear and confusion and every emotion under the sun, all mixed into one dreadful feeling. Her entire body feels as if it's on fire, an almighty level of emotion burning inside of her. If you cut her open, her insides would be gold and sparkling, like the sun. It's left her body jittery, her hands shaky, her voice wobbly as she asks Cedric about him. The candles around her keep on blowing out, or suddenly bursting into flames. Other times, tables will shake, the enchanted ceiling in the Great Hall will stir, the magic wanting to give in and disappear. One time she could've sworn she caused a thunderstorm. And all of this is because of one boy — George Weasley.
She knows, she knows. It makes no sense. It came out of nowhere, truly. One day, everything was fine, and the next, he smiled at her and spoke to her because Oliver was looking for Cedric, and that was it. Mia went from I know him to Marry me. It's a full-blown schoolgirl crush. It's why she stopped caring about her break up with Roger Davies, because what the fuck... George Weasley...
It's truly childish, and she knows it. But she can't help it. When she zones out in classes she thinks about him, when she goes to bed she spends those last couple minutes awake thinking about how he might ask her out, or kiss her... It's the worst, and she knows it.
(Mia, circa '95, agrees wholeheartedly.)
"M," says Cedric, as he sits down next to her at dinner, sometime in the spring. (Mia, circa '95, has a moment with this — as she looks back she takes a minute to reflect upon her best friend. His brown hair, not curly enough to be described as curly, but curly enough to look handsomely messy. The slightest tan, a sign of afternoons in the sunshine, playing Quidditch and wasting Sundays. He always held himself with such self-confidence, Mia loved it. She always admired the faith Cedric had in himself...)
At this time, her dad's still on the loose. Apparently he's trying to kill Harry Potter. Mia chooses not to care... It's easier to ignore it. Her dad's still in prison, for all she knows. That's the change his escape has made to her life.
Mia raises an eyebrow. "Ced."
He likes to make a nickname out of Mia, which is impossible. Her name is already an abbreviation of Emilia, and yet Cedric likes to call her M. Her mum thinks it's sweet — obviously it sounds the same as what her dad called her mum, same as everyone else. Mia thinks it's gross, likening herself and Cedric to her parents. She doesn't like Cedric. George, however... Oof.
(Mia, circa '95, wants to jump off a bridge, thank you.)
"I've got to talk to Oliver later," he tells her.
Mia frowns. "Why?"
And then he explains. They've got the Quidditch match this weekend, but Cedric wants to check a couple things. Apparently there's rumours about Slytherin wanting to hijack the game from the stands, with cheers about Dementors, to torment Harry, so Cedric wants to let Oliver know. Maybe if they both talk to their respective house leaders, it can be prevented.
"I mean, I think it's a little bullshit that your dad's the reason we have Dementors, and yet they're picking on Harry for it," says Cedric. He was a firm believer that Mia deserved better than Sirius, especially this school year. "But I need to let Oliver know... You can come too, though." He nudges her, and grins. "I think the whole team will be there."
Mia can feel her cheeks burning.
"Stop it," she tells him, taking a spoonful of potato salad from the centre of the table. She looks across at him, to find him grinning, still. She rolls her eyes. "Obviously I'm coming, but you've got to stop acting like this."
"Acting like what?" he says, and he starts to laugh.
Mia gives him a look. "He doesn't even like me, so shut up."
"I bet he does," he says.
"You're just saying that," she says. "He doesn't even look at me."
"Then... You go and talk to him," he says.
Mia frowns. "Are you... stupid?"
"Well, you could talk to him," says Cedric.
"Yeah," says Mia, in a way that meant no. "Because I'm really gonna walk up to some guy in the year above me, and talk about... Nothing! There's no reason I'd go up and talk to him, like, ever, so it would be so obvious why I was trying to talk to him. I'd embarrass myself."
Cedric shakes his head. "I think he'll be over the moon that a pretty girl wants to talk to him," he tells her.
Mia rolls her eyes. "OK."
"I am," he says, and he smiles at her.
"Unless you get verbal confirmation from him, he does not like me back," says Mia, with a frown. She pauses, as she turns to Cedric. They look at each other for a minute; she frowns, he tries to make her smile, it doesn't work. He sighs, and nods.
"Do you see yourself, Mia? Anyone would fall head over heels for you," he tells her, and for some reason Mia can sense the sincerity in his voice. He says this with his whole heart. Mia doesn't know what to say, but it's fine, because Cedric continues, "I think you're being harsh on yourself."
Mia shakes her head. "No, I'm not."
"OK, well..." says Cedric, talking slowly. He begins to frown. "If you're convinced there's no way he'll fancy you back... Why don't you move on?"
Mia goes quiet, and then says, "I can still hope."
Cedric frowns. "That makes no sense."
She sighs. "I'm aware."
The Gryffindors start the 'meeting' at half-six, so they leave at seven, to arrive at the tail-end of the it. Hopefully Cedric can walk in, talk to Oliver quickly, and then they can get out. Thankfully Mia hasn't dated anyone on that Quidditch team, so she doesn't have to worry about seeing one of her exes... Cedric always finds it funny, how Mia essentially hides behind him nowadays, if he ends up being cornered by Davies, or Montague, if they need to chat with him about whatever Quidditch captains talk about. She never listens. (Like... Mia circa '95 can agree... Quidditch is boring as shit, but the players? They're pretty fit! Slightly muscular, little bit of confidence, perfectly messy hair, styled by the winds? Amazing.)
There's a room at the foot of each tower surrounding the Quidditch pitch. Most are used for storage, but there's four divided up for each team, so they've all got their own meeting room. Mia's spent hours with Cedric in Hufflepuff's one; last summer, they spent a couple of weekends decorating the place, so the walls are yellow with little badgers, instead of an awkward wood. They walk to the Gryffindor one, letting themselves in through the opening in the tower's canvas, and then past the stairs to the wooden door, labelled Gryffindors only!
Cedric knocks on the door. They hear Oliver Wood shout, "Who is it?" and Cedric calls back. He's told he can come in; Mia trails behind him.
"Hey, Oliver," says Cedric, his usual warm smile across his face.
Oliver gives him an awkward half-smile, and then looks at Mia. His cheeks are rosy. The room's pretty warm, though, he's probably just warm. "Hi, Mia," he says, his voice quieter than usual.
"Hi..."
She hears Fred Weasley start laughing. Mia feels like a dozen eyes are fixed on her — she knows that isn't true, no one's looking at you, Mia, calm down, but another part of her thinks, oh my fucking God they're all staring at me. She looks over at Fred Weasley, who's laughing at something Lee Jordan said (Lee isn't on the team, he just forces his way into meetings, like her.) Harry Potter is sitting, awkwardly, near them, and for a second he locks eyes with Mia. He knows who she is, the daughter of his godfather, the man out to "kill him." Mia looks away from him, and for a split second she looks across who George, who must've been listening in to Cedric and Oliver's conversation, because she catches his gaze, and they exchange a look.
It feels like eternity, just standing there. Desperately she wishes that George actually liked her and this wasn't all in her head, because fuck, he seems so nice. And she knows she doesn't know him well, he could be a dick, but Merlin, the idea of him is enough to leave her hopeful.
But then she hears Oliver say, "I'm sure Mia's warned Ravenclaw," and she looks away from George, at the two next to her.
She frowns. "I... What?"
"Oh," says Cedric, and he moves, placing his hand on Mia's back. "Mia isn't with Davies anymore..."
Oliver's eyes widen. "Oh, I didn't reali—!"
Mia smiles at him, and says not to worry. Oliver's accent is cute, she'll give him that...
But he isn't George.
Fast forward to that weekend, the fateful Quidditch final. Everything was fine, up until the very end — Mia rushes onto the Quidditch pitch the same time Archie appears to check on his little brother. She ignores George, she ignores Oliver, who had been talking to her a lot in the past couple days (Mia, circa '95, realises this was because he wanted to ask her out. Oops.) All she focuses on is Cedric, as she pushes her way next to him, his hand finding its way to hers.
"We can do a re-match!" says Cedric, to Oliver, who's face is red with fury. "This isn't fair, I know it, we can't win the Quidditch Cup like this—"
"Because you would've won anyway?" says Fred Weasley, instantly spinning around.
Oliver, standing in front of him, looks exasperated, knowing exactly how this is going to pan out, now.
"I didn't say that—" says Cedric, but Fred scoffs.
Fred starts, "Just admit it, you're just putting on this act—"
But Oliver cuts him off, warning him to behave.
As Fred's shoulders drop, George steps in.
"Fred's right, though!" says George. "That's exactly what Diggory's doing!"
Mia's stomach drops.
She remembers all of the times she thought I bet he's super nice, and blindly believed that George Weasley was a good person. Every single nice thought she's had for that boy slaps her in the face, a brutal reminder that she never knew him! The George Weasley she fancied was in her head. And she's been so stupid to believe it would be true.
"I just think it's unfair," says Cedric, and George rolls his eyes.
Mia frowns at him. The weather's been shit all day, an awkward mix of drizzle and wind, but she swears the wind is picking up now.
"Just because you don't think about others—" she starts.
George looks at her in surprise. "I'm sorry?"
"Isn't your brother's best friend on the way to hospital, right now?" says Mia, narrowing her eyes at him. "Why is losing a game your main concern?"
Oliver pulls a face. "Um—"
But George glares back at her. "You're such a bitch!"
"Yeah?" she says. "And you're a cunt?"
This is when Cedric moves in front of Mia, holding onto her arm to keep her behind him. She hears him say to Oliver, "You're going to stand and let your team member say that?"
And that's how it happens. The most blinding crush Mia's ever had, killed like that. She remembers bursting into tears that night, because fuck, she feels so let down... But, then, that's what happens when you fancy the idea of someone. It always ends in tears and disappointment.
Then things moved on. A month later Oliver asks Mia out, and Cedric's kind-of weird about it, but everything's nice. Oliver's sweet. She does avoid everything Gryffindor-related, but that's beside the point. Oliver's a good boyfriend while it lasts...
And then there's Cormac, a little while after that, up until the Halloween. She ends up in Gryffindor Tower on two occasions, and both times she ends up running into George. It was awful. She thinks Cormac realised, towards the end, why Mia hated George so much, and that's why he started getting so weird about everything.
And then Cedric was there, in all of his golden glory, and Mia thought, this is it. Everyone else was leading up to this final moment, where Mia realises that the right person has been in front of her eyes all along. Cedric Diggory, her best friend for years. Things blossomed at the Yule Ball and when Cedric kissed her for the first time, Mia genuinely thought, this was her last first kiss. Cedric was it. Cedric would be the love of her life.
But he wasn't, was he?
That's why it's so difficult now. Because the last time she spoke to Cedric, he thought she hated George. He had watched the crush turn into loathing. He had disliked George for calling her a bitch — to be fair, she did say "cunt," which is arguably worse — but she can't argue that now. She wishes she could speak to Cedric, just see him for five more minutes, and talk to him. She feels wrong, if moving on means going back to the boy that hurt her feelings the most. But Cedric hasn't been here, to see the way things have changed... So Cedric doesn't know.
She knows she shouldn't be trying to please someone who isn't around anymore, but she can't help it. If things didn't work out with Cedric, and they broke up, and then she realised she liked George, at least she could talk to him. But now, she can't. And it... It feels like she's ignoring his feelings, acting like this.
She doesn't know what to do.
✨
(now)
MIA NEEDS TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE, she decides, the longer this takes up space in her mind. It's well into the next week when Mia decides she's going to talk to Archie about it, because he'll get it. He's good with problem-solving... He's also the only person she's got to talk to, same with him, now that he's ditched Cormac completely.
"OK," says Mia, when the two are in her dorm room. Her roommates are elsewhere. She doesn't really know where, but Mia and Archie have the same frees on Wednesdays, so they're in her dorm room, sitting on her bed. "I've got a question."
Archie frowns. "... OK..."
"Do you think... Cedric would be fine, that I'm friends with George?"
He raises his eyebrows, surprised.
"And you, I suppose, because you were sort-of there when that whole thing happened. But, like... What do you think?"
Archie looks at her for a moment, thinking. Mia doesn't know what to do. Part of her wants to cry, and she isn't really sure why, but the feeling's there. The awful feeling in the back of her throat. But part of her knows that if she cries, she won't actually work this through... And until she figures out what she's doing, she's stuck.
"If Cedric was here, he would've seen the same stuff as you," says Archie, and as he speaks, Mia remembers he's an older brother. He's got a certain tone to his voice that says, I'm going to help you. It makes her listen. "Wouldn't he?"
Mia nods. "Yeah..."
"So. Think about it..." says Archie. He had been lying down, but he sits up, so they're eye-to-eye. "Cedric's at Briar's party, he sees George comforting you. He sees both of you warming up to each other. We've all noticed it, you two get along, really well." He pauses. "... And Cedric would've noticed it, too. So do you think, if you're where you are now, and he was here, he'd be pissed off, that you've made up with George?"
Mia looks across at Archie. "But it isn't that simple."
He frowns. "Why not?"
"Because..." she says, but she trails off. She doesn't want to say it out loud. If she admits she used to fancy George, then she'd have to admit that maybe those feelings are coming back. She isn't there yet.
"All Cedric wants is for you to be happy," says Archie, softly.
Mia's trying her hardest not to cry. "I suppose..."
"Not I suppose, it's true!" says Archie. He puts his hands on her shoulders. "Every day, I used to ask myself if my parents would be proud of me. But it drives you mad — I know exactly what you're feeling, M. And I know that you're still gonna struggle with this, but you'll get to a point where it'll click. I promise you that. But you've got to be nicer to yourself about it... Cedric loves you. He wants you to be happy. And if being friends with George makes you happy... He'll be happy for you. Honest to God."
Mia nods, and Archie smiles weakly. "Come here," he says, and he pulls her into a hug.
She keeps herself together. She knows it's fine to cry, but she can't let her emotions get the best of her. She wants to figure this out. She wants to stop feeling guilty. Her life has to move on without Cedric's presence, she knows this, but her heart still won't accept this, still won't let go of the loyalty to Cedric... And the thing is, she's guessing what he would think. It's like what Archie said: if Cedric was here, he'd notice the change. But all Mia can think of is Cedric's dislike for the twins last year.
"I know it isn't as easy as me telling you this stuff," says Archie. "But sooner or later, Mia, it'll click in your head, and you'll be set. I promise."
Mia hopes this click happens soon, before the guilt eats her alive.