❝ He hurt you, didn't he? ❞
—are promises made to be broken?
_________
"They went home, and Crong jumped straight onto his bed. 'Crong, you can't. You have to wash up before bed.' Said Pororo at his friend."
Jaehwa's voice softened as she reached the end of the paragraph, stealing a glance at the little boy who was now lying next to her. His heavy eyelids proved that he was already on his way to the dreamland, but when Jaehwa was about to move from the edge of the bed, the boy's eyes fluttered open in no matter of time.
Jaehwa sighed, knew that there's no way Hyun would let her go as easy as that.
"Pororo and Crong brush their teeth and wash their face. 'Crong, wasn't today really fun?'" Jaehwa adjusted her voice to match with Pororo's, Hyun's favourite cartoon character. It's been a part of her daily routine that she couldn't believe she hadn't accidentally spoken in her self-created Pororo voice whenever she picked up the book. ""Yes it was!" Crong said happily."
She had no idea how long she had been reading the bedtime story until a faint creak jolted her in a tad bit, didn't take much time to jerk her head towards the door of Hyun's room. Jeongguk had always wanted to create a baby's room, so when after adopted Hyun, the room that once became a place to store Jeongguk's filming equipment was turned into the little boy's. However, Hyun was used to have people sleeping next to him that it took a lot of effort to make him sleep on his own. Fortunately tonight Hyun decided to not act up and sleep in his room instead.
But Jaehwa was sure she would hear knocks on the door of her bedroom in the middle of the night later.
Jaehwa put the book in her hands aside as she greeted Jeongguk with a warm smile. He looked exhausted—she could tell that by looking at his facial expression—but Jeongguk always made sure to check on Hyun. Unlike Jaehwa who had a fixed working time, Jeongguk was the other way around. Sometimes he couldn't even go home when the filming took longer than expected.
"Is he asleep?" Jeongguk mouthed, still standing at the frame of the door. Jaehwa knew he did that because Hyun had a special 'sensor' when it comes to his father. In order to prevent the boy from waking up and begging to sleep with them, Jeongguk decided to check on him from afar.
She replied with a nod and got up from the bed, not forgetting to dim the light before she headed towards the room they shared together. A heavy sigh escaped his lips as he unbuttoned his botton-up shirt, shrugging it off and threw it into the laundry basket. Jaehwa watched every of his action from the bed, didn't know why even small gestures of Jeon Jeongguk could catch her off guard.
"I miss Hyun." Jeongguk muttered but loud enough for Jaehwa to catch the words.
Jaehwa remained silent. Was she overacting if she said she was disappointed to hear that coming from Jeongguk almost every night?
It had been a few months since Hyun legally became theirs, and God, Jaehwa had never seen Jeongguk being so happy to have the boy he loved with all his heart finally returned to his arms again. She understood how much Jeonguk longed for him—heck, Jeongguk waited for almost two years and went through a lot to get the papers done. Jaehwa had no idea that getting a custody was that complicated but seeing Jeongguk being so determined to adopt Hyun as soon as possible made all her worries vanish in no matter of time.
Yes, Jeongguk had known a lot about parenting. But babysitting and raising a child were two different things that she couldn't help but worrying. Will he be okay? Is he really ready for that?
Jeongguk showed incredible skills at parenting, made sense as to why Hyun practically clung onto him whenever he had the chance to do so. Jaehwa always reminded herself the words Jeongguk told her before they got married—I didn't marry you because of the custody—but no matter how she tried to convince herself, a feeling, or to be more specific, a voice kept on whispering into her ears to convince that she was no longer that important to Jeongguk now that he had accomplished his mission to adopt Hyun.
The proofs? They're everywhere, especially this; Jeongguk kept on saying how he missed Hyun after being apart due to work. Jaehwa would be fine with that if he mentioned her name as well, but no matter how long she waited, you would never leave his rosy lips.
The thoughts invaded her mind that she herself didn't notice how long she had been staring at her own feet, only came back to reality when Jeongguk came out from the shower. Jaehwa swallowed the lump that formed at the back of her throat as she laid down, her back facing Jeongguk who was drying his hair.
"Jae." Jeongguk started, but he took her silence as a signal for him to continue. "Did Hyun sleep in his room because he wanted to or...?"
What now? Was he implying that she forced Hyun to sleep alone? To part him from Jeongguk?
Jaehwa shut her eyes close, ignoring him like she didn't hear anything in the first place. She heard footsteps, could sense the warmth that radiated off Jeongguk's body before she heard a faint "oh you're asleep."
At this rate, Jaehwa wouldn't blame herself for being so insensitive because this, the drastic change of his behaviour, truly annoyed her in all ways possible. When they just got married and Hyun was nowhere in the scene of their lives, Jeongguk's attention was all hers—be it kisses in the morning, back hugs while she was doing house chores or caresses before she fell asleep—but after Hyun legally became theirs, Jaehwa was well-aware of the fact that their priority had to be changed to Hyun. But somewhere deep inside her wanted Jeongguk to at least pay attention to her even for a second. He didn't have to pester her with kisses, didn't have to hug her out of nowhere or touch her like she's the prettiest thing his eyes ever laid on. All she wanted was him to ask how was her day, at least.
Ever since the day she dated Jeongguk, that night was the first night her tears left the brim of her eyes, all because of the man who once never forgot to let her know how much he loved a woman named Kim Jaehwa.
Jaehwa didn't know what had seeped into her body that she didn't think twice to avoid Jeongguk. It was the long-awaited Saturday, the day where Jeongguk would never try to wake up early—he was never a morning person, though—so Jaehwa took the chance to leave the house. A part of herself was screaming wrong, but the other half was assuring her that she deserved to be mad for being ignored. She deserved to be disappointed and sad for being treated that way.
A few minutes later, Jaehwa found herself standing in front of her old apartment. The silence of the morning was broken by no one other than Hwang Yerin when she saw Jaehwa standing at the door frame with puffy eyes.
"J- Jae." Yerin didn't manage to utter the next word when Jaehwa threw herself onto her friend, hugging her small frame tightly as another roll of tears fell. Yerin was too taken aback that she stopped questioning as to why her ex-housemate suddenly cried, so all she did was rubbing Jaehwa's back gently, waiting the latter to calm down.
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Hwang Yerin was still the same Hwang Yerin. Despite almost two years of not living under the same roof, she didn't forget a single thing about Jaehwa so when she came to her old apartment at such an uncanny hour, she knew exactly what to do.
And that was how they ended up sitting in the living room, leaving the task of filling the silence to the television.
"Did Jeongguk-"
"No." Jaehwa cut her off. Jaehwa's eyes were glued to the television though nothing about the tv show fascinated her at the moment.
"Then you're expecting me to believe that Hyun made you cry?" Yerin deadpanned, snickering afterwards. "The worst thing that boy can do is making you clean his business. And you, who used to be his babysitter had done that for God knows how many times." Jaehwa bit the inner of her cheek, still looking away from her friend. "He hurt you, didn't he?"
Jaehwa pursed her lips into a thin line, and the fact that Yerin could guess the reason behind her tears in a flash made her want to cry again for a reason she couldn't pinpoint what it was. She sank deeper into the couch and pulled the cushion closer to her torso, trying her best to avoid being interrogated.
"So it's Jeongguk." Yerin nodded lightly, her gaze on Jaehwa was no longer the soft one, but had changed into a stare that could kill. "Spill it, Jae. I won't call you childish this time, I promise. No matter what the reasons are."
"I hate him." There. Jaehwa had never felt her chest so free from anything when the sentence rolled off her tongue. "Who does he think I am? A woman he can take advantage of?" By the time Jaehwa turned to face Yerin, her voice cracked and that was the moment she realised she was about to cry again. Damn, is getting older makes you this weak? "I feel like a babysitter again. He came home and asked about Hyun. He woke up to check on Hyun. I shouldn't have believed him when he said he didn't marry me because of the custody. The way he acts now shows that he is really in for the custody."
"Jaehwa-"
"Let's see how long does it take for him to realise that I am not home." Jaehwa clenched her jaw, annoyed by the thought of Jeongguk. "Hah maybe he won't realise until he or Hyun is hungry. And at that moment, he finally realises that I am his wife and not a babysitter."
Yerin was appalled. Unlike usual where she would conclude that Jaehwa was the childish one, however, this time she couldn't bring herself to put all the blame on her friend. The best way was of course, talking it out but sometimes, Jeongguk should put himself in her shoes too, Yerin thought.
Jaehwa just entered the final year of university when Jeongguk proposed to her, and ever since the day Jaehwa came home with the brightest smile on her face that was followed by flaunting her aluminium foil ring, Yerin had always admired how Jeongguk and Jaehwa relationship grew so when things like this happened, Yerin couldn't help but to feel disappointed as well.
Their conversation was cut off by Yerin's phone ringing, and when she saw the caller, a smile tugged at her lips. "Jeongguk."
"Took him long enough." Jaehwa blurted through her gritted teeth. "Don't tell him I'm here."
"Jaehwa..."
"Don't!"
__________
"Come over, hmm? I will unlock the door for you."
Jeongguk sighed as he read the text message, rubbing his face in frustration before he turned to look at the boy who was sitting across him. Hyun was busy eating his yogurt, creating a mess on the table at the same time.
"Mommy is mad." Jeongguk whined, jutting his lower lip out of his conscious. "Aunt Yerin said she's mad at me."
Hyun only replied with a stare upon the word mommy before he continued devouring the yogurt. Jeongguk looked at the boy for what seemed like eternity, but his mind was thinking about the journey until Hyun could sit across him now. It was a harsh start but Jaehwa came to give him a helping hand, and when everything crushed him into pieces without any mercy, she was the one who hold and help him to put the pieces together. Jeongguk would be lying if his heart didn't skip a beat when Yerin said Jaehwa felt like a babysitter again, because it finally came to him that he barely had time for her since Hyun was around again.
Jeongguk always thought that it was normal to dart his attention towards his son, thought it was normal to be less expressive towards his partner so he had always believed that Jaehwa would understand as to why he stopped pestering her with kisses and hugging her out of nowhere. His feelings towards her didn't change even for the slightest but somehow, looking after Hyun and working at the same time made him forget to show that he cared. That he loved.
"Hyun." Jeongguk reached for the little boy to brush his messy bed hair. "You're staying at the daycare tomorrow, okay? I need to take care of another baby."
__________
It was insane how Jaehwa woke up to the same pair of puffy eyes. God, she couldn't believe Jeongguk really believed Yerin when she said she wanted to be alone. Maybe it was her fault for hoping way too much from that guy, even drowned herself in her self-designed illusion where Jeongguk would rush to Yerin's house to fetch her, chanting endless sorries and all those cliché things she saw on dramas.
But Jeongguk was never the same as those guys she saw on dramas, and Jaehwa blamed herself for forgetting that one fact.
She exited her bedroom only to be greeted with her favourite steamed egg and rice, couldn't suppress a smile upon the thought of Yerin being so thoughtful. If she could see this happening soon, Jaehwa would definitely choose to live with Yerin forever instead of marrying Jeongguk.
"Yerin!" Jaehwa hollered as she shuffled towards the dining table. She bit her lower lip before taking a spoonful of rice, eye glistening upon seeing some side dishes. "Hwang Yerin?"
"Good morning." Jaehwa almost choked on the rice when another voice filled the air, didn't even have to turn around to know who the other person was.
Nevertheless, she remained still and ignored his presence entirely.
Jaehwa let out a small gasp when she felt a pair of arms wrapping her waist, causing herself to lean against a chest that she used to bury her face into. God, she wondered how long had it been since she smelled his cologne at this proximity? She couldn't even recall when was the last time Jeongguk being all this clingy and annoying (in the way she liked).
"Let me go." Jaehwa tried to break free from the hug, but it only tightened. Heaving out a sigh, she decided to give in and let Jeongguk rest his chin on her shoulder, not in the mood to pick up a fight. "Go home, Jeongguk. No one's looking after Hyun-"
She was cut off when the guy kissed her collarbone, just like those days when they were so into with each other's presence. The spoon in Jaehwa's hand fell onto the table, yet the loud clink didn't manage to budge Jeongguk a tad bit.
"He's at the daycare." Jeongguk mumbled before he made Jaehwa turn to face him. "Daddy is mommy's today."
"For God sake, Jeongguk. Please leave."
"You didn't mean that, did you?" The flame in her grew bigger when Jeongguk grinned cheekily, and before she could push him away, he was quick to lock her with his muscular arms so there Jaehwa was, leaning against the edge of the table with Jeongguk's face so close to hers. "Was it cold last night?"
"Huh?"
"You practically hugged me all night long." Her eyes widened upon his statement. "Thanks to Yerin. She left and let me stay with you."
"She left?!" Jaehwa yelled in disbelief. "You made her leave her own house?!"
"This used to be your house too. We need some time alone, Jae." Jeongguk took a step back, and Jaehwa finally could breathe normally again. "Yerin told me everything." He mumbled under his breath. It both annoyed and amazed her how Jeongguk made her feel things when all he did was tucking her hair behind her ear. She felt her heart thumped against her chest, could hardly register words that slipped past Jeongguk's lips. "I'm sorry, but I swear to God I never marry you for the custody."
Jaehwa only looked down at the tiled floor. In all honesty, she was tired. Tired of telling herself that Jeongguk didn't lie this time only to have him repeating the same mistake again and again. Tired of trusting him only to have her heart broken again.
"I am your wife, Jeongguk. I'm not a babysitter." Jaehwa breathed, holding back her tears. "Don't make me feel like you are using me, please? I love you, and I want to convince myself that you love me as much as I love you but- but I don't know. I don't know why it feels impossible."
Her heart twisted, knees went weak under his touch as Jeongguk cupped her cheeks gently. When their eyes met, Jaehwa couldn't help herself from standing like statue, unable to inch away as he leaned closer towards her. The next second, her lips were already against his, molding together as they moved in a synchronised motion.
"J- Jeongguk." Jaehwa pushed him away slightly, breaking the kiss when he started sucking on her lower lip.
"I love you." Jeongguk said innocently, his puppy eyes melt Jaehwa's heart almost instantly. "I'm sorry."
Jeongguk leaned in to kiss the warm tears on her rosy cheek, causing Jaehwa to shut her eye as his soft lips brushed against her cold skin. She didn't know why the tears kept leaving her eyes, didn't know if she was happy to have Jeongguk focusing on her again after what seemed like eternity or she was simply scared of being fooled again.
She took in the scent Jeongguk always gave off after he washed his hair, the hint of his cologne never failed to make her stomach go haywire. Their eyes locked again, and this time Jaehwa could see herself in Jeongguk's eyes, loved the way the dark brown irises glistened as if they held an entire galaxy.
A smile was all it took before Jaehwa closed her eyes, feeling Jeongguk's lips once again on hers. His muscular arms coiled around her petite frame before his hand wandered towards the hem of her shirt. Jaehwa almost smiled under the kiss when Jeongguk tilted his head slightly, silently cussing herself for letting her husband slid in his tongue, deepening the kiss as if his confession before wasn't enough to prove how much space she took in his heart.
Jeongguk had always been a good kisser, and even when it comes to kissing, he did make sure he paid attention to the details. Her whole body felt like it was on fire despite the freezing temperature outside, felt like her limbs were failing on her when Jeongguk made her coil her arms around his neck. He pulled away slightly, forehead still leaning against hers. Jaehwa was about to laugh at the way he sighed in annoyance when he smacked his lips on her exposed neck, enough to elicit a small gasp from Jaehwa before she pushed him with all her might.
"Jeongguk, we are at Yerin's house-"
"I know."
Jaehwa scoffed in disbelief before she left him dumbfounded in the dining hall. She didn't plan to be mad at him for a long time—in fact, the initial plan was never staying over at Yerin's place. Jaehwa just wanted to give herself some space until she cooled down, but turned out holding back tears drained her in all ways possible.
Jaehwa didn't want to be in this tangled mess either, but she is a human who has feelings. She felt neglected and used, so the only way was to confront him and talk it out, which she couldn't bring herself to do so all these while because she didn't want to sound childish, as if she was craving for Jeongguk's attention or worse, as if she was jealous of the attention Jeongguk poured on Hyun.
Jaehwa headed to the couch, eyes remained glued to the screen of the television which showed nothing but a boring morning talkshow. Even so, she chose to kept her focus on the hosts talking to each other instead of the guy who spontaneously wrapped his arms around her neck from behind, leaning his head against hers before he buried his nose in her hair.
"Tell me. I'll listen." Jeongguk mumbled, taking in the scent of her hair.
"I feel bad for questioning why you have to focus on Hyun so much when that's actually what you are supposed to do." Jaehwa breathed, sounded more like a whisper before she swallowed hard. "But sometimes I feel like I have the right to question that, because I have feelings that need to be taken care of too. I feel... used."
"No." Jeongguk dashed to plop onto the couch afterwards, joining her. The moment he squished her cheeks and forced her to look into his eyes, Jaehwa swore every wall she had built collapsed and just like that, her vision turned blurry again. "I'm sorry and it's my fault for assuming that you don't mind about me focusing on Hyun... because hey, you know what I had to go through to adopt him, right?" Jaehwa pursed her lips, nodding lightly. "But of course, Jaehwa. You have every right to be mad at me for neglecting you. I realised that we barely talk to each other while having a meal even though that's the only time we can catch up on each other, because one of us has to feed Hyun. I realised that we stopped doing pillow talk because I passed out as soon as I got home these days. It's not your fault for feeling that way when my attention was fully yours."
A roll of warm tears left the brim of her eyes and out of her conscious, Jaehwa threw herself into Jeongguk's embrace, burying her face in the circle of his chest as she tried to not let out a sob. God, it's been so long since Jeongguk actually sat with her to talk about them—be it their old memories or what they meant to each other, exposing their vulnerability by expressing what they felt on the inside—that it suddenly felt so foreign now. Felt so weird yet comforting to be able to feel his warmth this way again, relieved to know that the fast beating of his heart that she could hear against the t-shirt was caused by her and not anyone else.
"I am sorry." Jaehwa choked on her words. "I am truly sorry for leaving you and Hyun yesterday."
"It's okay. I was wrong too." Jeongguk only chuckled upon her apology, his hand rubbing her back gently before he tightened the hug. They stayed still for a moment, busy taking in each other's presence just like those days they were head over heels for one another. Those days that made Jaehwa want to hit her own head for loving Jeongguk less on the day before.
"Jaehwa." Jeongguk broke the silence, patting her arm as if he was trying to lull her.
"Hmm?"
"I've been thinking about something recently," he trailed off, clearing his throat only to stutter afterwards. "Is- is everything okay with you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing. It's just..." Jaehwa broke the hug and looked up, knitting her eyebrows in confusion as she waited for Jeongguk to continue. "Come on, baby. You know what I am talking about."
The nickname made Jaehwa roll her eyes, but they both knew she liked being called that way at times. "What are you talking about?" She blurted, leaning her back against the couch as she reached for the controller.
"Two weeks ago. Remember the day I came back from Jeju?"
The controller in Jaehwa's grasp instantly dropped to the floor, yet she could barely hear the thud as blood rushed through her veins all of a sudden. She sensed Jeongguk trying to suppress a laugh upon her reaction. Did she look that terrified?
Jeongguk's laugh erupted when she inched away, sinking deeper into the couch. Jaehwa cleared her throat out of nervousness, couldn't lie that she was caught off guard when Jeongguk suddenly brought that up.
"I was just wondering because you should've gotten your period by now." Jaehwa's muffled shriek then took over the living room as Jeongguk pulled her into a headlock, still laughing at her response. He rested his head against hers and let out a long hum. "What if my hunch is right?"
Jaehwa shifted her position, biting her lower lip out of nervousness as she scanned Jeongguk's eyes only to find that he wasn't anywhere near joking. "Jeongguk, don't jinx it."
"If it's true, then?"
"Hyun is not even 2 years old!"
Jeongguk flicked her forehead lightly, chuckling when she scowled at him. The air was filled with silence for a brief moment, both of them losing for words once they realised what could be happening. The rule they had set since the day Jeongguk got on one knee could be broken at the most uncanny time—Jaehwa had two terms left before she graduates, Jeongguk just started working as a permanent staff. Though Jaehwa did suggest about having their own kid whenever the inevitable baby fever came, Jeongguk firmly stood by the decision, explaining how difficult it would be for her if they had a new addition to their family.
Her train of thoughts was broken by Jeongguk who gave her hand a light squeeze, as if he was trying to tell her that everything would be fine and there was nothing to be worried of. "I have a permanent job now so it should be fine, right?" Jeongguk leaned in to peck her lips. Tilting his head to the side, he shot her a fond smile, the one she could never get tired of. "Even if we have broken the no-baby rule, I'm ready to have my own anyway."
Jaehwa snickered. Nevertheless, she knew he wasn't lying. "Just because you had looked after Hyun before, doesn't mean you can be that confident."
"Everything should be fine as long as it's done with you. Let's take a test later." Jeongguk poked the tip of her nose, the cold war between them disappeared into thin air. Maybe this is what they needed all these while—a time alone, a space for them to talk and being in each other's arms. Something that could be done in no time but often taken lightly. "So I assume we are on good terms now?"
Jaehwa's eyes roamed over the ceiling for a while before she nodded assuringly. Upon her response, Jeongguk broke into a wide grin, a sigh of relief nonchalantly slipped past his lips. She couldn't help but grinning as they both scooted closer to each other as if the gap between them wasn't already nonexistent in the first place. Out of all places, she loved his embrace the most, a home that was not in the form of four walls, but two eyes and a heartbeat.
"I'm babysitting you today, okay?" Jeongguk said, pulling Jaehwa to make her sit on his lap.
"My tantrum might be uncontrollable though." She chuckled.
"I'll just kiss those lips to shut you up."
_________
a/n:
good luck with online classes! 💜