We finished the rest of our meeting in silence and when it was time for us to say goodbye to each other, he followed me curiously after I turned down his offer of a ride home.
"When did you get a car?" He asked looking at me, a hint of surprise in his voice.
"A few days ago, it was a long time coming considering I never bothered getting my learners permit after high school. It was becoming more and more difficult to keep up with commitments and meetings. Also, this is way more cost effective than taxis and Uber." I said indicating my Hyundai. "I think in the past three months alone I could have partially paid off this car with all the money used for transportation. "
"It's nice."
"I know it isn't as fancy as yours, but it meets my needs." I say with a laugh. When he smiled, I suddenly felt better. Maybe it would be possible to keep our friendship after all? It would be difficult, I reasoned, we would just have to take it week by week.
I reach for my door handle, pulling it to open the door, but a hand shoots out pushing it closed. A bit surprised, I jump slightly turning to look up into the eyes of the hand's owner. "What is it?" I ask fighting hard against the way his gaze is making me feel.
It looked as if there was a serious internal debate going on within his mind. A whirlwind of emotions seemed to be wreaking havoc behind his eyes with a few of them making it to his face. "Do you have to go now?" He blurted suddenly. "I mean, would you like to take a walk with me? The weather is finally nice enough."
My eyes narrowed ever so slightly as I wondered where this was going. "I think I have some free time. Ian is working late today."
"Then take a walk with me."
"Sure." I pushed the button on my key fob relocking the door. I noticed he looked a little taken aback, like he wasn't expecting me to say yes. "What?"
"I didn't think that you would." He said grinning widely confirming my thoughts.
"Well, I never could say no to you. Let's go-" I stopped short when I realize what I said and I start walking. "You didn't hear that." I said over my shoulder as I walked away.
"Really?" He asked with a hint of smugness in his voice, it seemed the old Kai was back. He jogged after me catching up easily. "That is interesting." He said falling in beside me. "Why is that?"
"I don't know, but it has always been like this for me. There is just something about you, something that makes me want to do anything for you. It is like that time you told me that there was something special about me. I feel that it is the same for you. There is something special about you Kai Shin, and it makes the word "No" pretty impossible for me to use. I imagine it is like that for other people as well."
He stuffed his hands into his pant pockets. "I am not so sure about that."
I looked over at him. "Now what makes you say that?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't think Seon-Joo feels that way. Sometimes, it can be like pulling teeth when I need something from her."
"Maybe it is because she has known you for so long. Perhaps your ability to charm her has long since worn off. You need to improve your game." I said smiling, but my attempt at humor only half worked. He smiled, but only with his mouth, it did not quite reach his eyes as it did moments before.
He shrugged as he kicked at something on the sidewalk. "I am not sure. In fact, I haven't been sure about a lot of things these past few months and now I feel as if I am on a path that I have gone too far down on and there is no going back."
I glanced over at him unsure of what to say as a response so I said nothing. We continued walking; the only sounds heard were our feet tapping out a synchronized pattern. I was curious about his statement, but given my feelings for him, I didn't feel it was my place to ask questions or give advice.
"What about Ian?" He asked suddenly pulling me away from my thoughts.
"Ian? What about him?"
"Do you find it hard to say no to him?"
That was a good question. Can it be? I suppose at times, yes, but it usually ends up being because I feel guilty about everything. "I would have to say sometimes. I think it is because, like you and Seon-Joo, we had been friends for years before we started dating. We have only been dating for about two years. I mean, sometimes he can be cute and adorable and I can't resist him, but it isn't often."
Kai only hummed in response looking down as he placed one foot in front of the other, seeming to be deep in thought. After some time, he spoke up again. "Do you think that he is the one for you?"
My mind froze as my stomach flipped landing hard. I definitely wasn't thinking he would ask that. "Why?" I asked, the word just falling out of my mouth causing me to cringe. I didn't mean to say it that way.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry."
I stopped suddenly turning to face him, my hand reaching out to grab his arm. "No, it isn't that. I just wasn't expecting you to ask that. Sorry." Especially since I don't think I would be able dodge the truth with you either.I would have to try my best to mind what I say. "I think so." I say truthfully. "I admit that sometimes I wonder if there is someone else out there who is more compatible for me, but I don't know. Ian treats me well enough, I really can't complain." Yes, I think I said that well enough.
"I feel the same. Sometimes I wonder if I am making the right decision and other times I am convinced that I have made a good decision."
"Do you love her?" I was unable to stop the words from leaving my mouth and now it was his turn to look surprised. "Sorry."
"I guess that is a fair question to ask." He said to me with a faint smile on his lips. "Yes. Yes, I do." I tried to not look hurt by his answer, not sure how well I succeeded though. If he noticed, it didn't let on.
My vision blurred suddenly from the tears that threatened to fall and I quickly diverted my gaze as I took a slow, deep breath. I started walking again. "Well, then you are making the right decisions." I keep my gaze down.
"Maybe you are right." He says softly.
He almost sounded dejected, or maybe that is only because that is just what I wanted to think. My phone rang suddenly and I paused to retrieve it from my bag. It's Ian. "Hey, what's up?" I say trying my best to sound normal.
"Hi. Are you home yet?"
I look over at Kai who is tapping something out on his phone. "No, I am going to be heading there soon, though. What's up?"
"Nothing special. Would you like to join Mom and I for Dinner?"
His Mom? "Um, sure. I didn't know she was coming to visit today."
"She decided to surprise me. I am going to leave work in another twenty minutes. Do you want to meet me at your apartment and then we can go together?"
"Sure, that will be fine."
"Okay, I will see you in a little while. Love you."
I glance over at Kai again who is now watching me intently. "Okay, I will see you then." I disconnect the call without thinking, I feel like a total mess right now.
"I'm sorry, I need to get going. Maybe we can finish this walk another time?" I turn to head back the way we came only to see that we hadn't gone as far as I thought.
"Uh, sure." We walked a little before he spoke up again. "Listen, I have an event coming up and was wondering if you would like to join me."
"Really?"
"Yes, next Wednesday evening."
"Really?" I said casting him a slide glance while working to keep my face neutral.
"Your presence was requested actually."
"By who?"
"One guess. He is a huge fan of yours."
"Garren?" I sigh when he nods and his smirk turns into a full-blown laugh. How I have missed his laugh.
"I have been ordered to bring you, or risk being fired. I thought that I would have to get down on my knees to get you to come, but now that I know you cannot say "no" to me, I will pick you up at 7."
I wanted to say no. I really did, but I just couldn't make myself say the word. Especially with the way he was smiling at me. "Danggit! Why did I have to go and open my big mouth?"
He really laughed then. "It's true! Wow, I am flattered, really. I guess I am going to have to be careful with you from now on. I don't want to put you in an undesirable or compromising position." He said wagging his eyebrows.
I winced and picked up my pace to a near run when I noticed my car was only a few feet away. This only made him fall into another fit of laughter as he ran after me. I opened my car door slid into the driver's seat just as he reached. He held the door open with his hand so I couldn't close it.
"It is an after 5 affair, so if you don't mind, can you wear that dress again? The black one." He said slyly with a wide, toothy grin.
I stared at him wide-eyed; he was doing this on purpose. Really, why did I have to tell him that? Defeated, I only nodded in answer as I started the car.
"Wow." He said again then closed the car door for me. "You aren't kidding." He said as he crouched down folding his arms within the now open window. So I will see you Wednesday, 7 o'clock?" I nodded again. "Great! Drive safely home, then." He said reaching in the car to pat my head and pinch my cheek.
I couldn't help but laugh. "See you Wednesday." He stood and backed away so I could pull out. I watched him in the rearview mirror as I rode away and saw that he was watching me as well.