"I'd tell you I love you a million times
Say that I'm sorry if I made you cry
Could never be half the woman even if I tried
But I'll try, I swear I'll try"
Noelle
Harry and I are both silent on the way home.
The silence is not as uncomfortable as I thought after our fight, he is giving me time metabolize what I've just seen.
I'm definitely not as angry at him as I was half an hour ago, somehow what just happened calmed my nerves and for the first time in three days, I'm able to think clearly.
I know I overacted before and I know he is right: I am passive-aggressive.
More aggressive than passive for the matter.
Part of me feels sorry for the way I behaved myself. I know I have all the right to be angry at him but maybe I was wrong in the way of saying it.
I was harsh and spiteful even if what I said it's true.
Once an asshole always an asshole still stands but maybe I could have avoided the sentence about models... And the part about him crying like a baby.
While when hangry Harry says things without thinking, I know exactly what I am doing when I lash on someone. I say exactly what I think and sometimes I say it with the intention of hurting.
It's even worse then what Harry does. At least he regrets what he says, I just regret the way I say it.
Looking at him, I take a minute to study his features while his eyes are on the road.
A week ago we were in the same position, going to London. Again he was right at the pub - even if he practically impose himself that day - I was almost happy to have him with me.
And then it hit me.
He was right all along. I said I would have tried but since we start speaking again I was always on edge, waiting for him to say or do something to make me regret my choice.
The problem is, that even if I truly meant what I said when I told him I wanted to forgive and forget, I don't trust him. And in order to move on, I needed to do so.
I need to get past my anger. I need to really work on this.
"Uhm... Harry?"
Please don't make me regret this.
He side-glances at me, giving me a slow hum.
"Do you... Do you still want to talk? I mean, really talk this time. About everything" I ask, tugging my hair behind my ears, unsure.
He taps his fingers on the steering wheel and gives me a nod. "I want to Elle. There's nothing I want more. Do you want to?"
Sighing, I move my eyes along his face and nod. " I can't promise I won't insult you, or get hangry, or tell you to fuck off though"
A throaty laugh leaves his mouth "It's okay. I can take it... Do you want to do it now?"
"No. Now I just want to speak with Mae. Maybe once we are both in London?"
He smiles, turning his face in my direction for a moment. "Okay. We can go to dinner maybe? To talk" he offers but I shake my head.
"I don't think having an audience is a good idea, and I don't want... You know, people recognizing you and spread unnecessary rumours" I explain "But you can come to mine. I can christen the kitchen by making you dinner"
"Sounds good to me" he replies.
"Okay," I nod, biting the inside of my cheek.
"Okay," he smiles.
Comfortable silence falls between us as we reach my house. Once Harry's park in my driveway I turn in his direction, suddenly nervous about what's to come.
"Uhm... I guess I own you an apology. And a thank you for bringing me home" I say, just above a whisper.
He looks at me, turning the car off, and gives me a toothy smile. "No need to apologize Elle. We both said awful things. I was a twat just as much as you were a bitch" he chuckles.
I just nod, and open the car door, ready to go home and talk to Mae.
"Let me know how it goes, will you?" he asks, as I step out.
"Uhm... Okay," I reply, "What time are going to London tomorrow?"
"Late afternoon," he tells me, stepping out of the car as well "My offer still stands if you want".
"Thank you" I smile.
Stepping inside my house, I immediately call for Mae, she appears from the stairs with her phone in hand, without lifting her gaze from it.
"I thought you'll be home later. Weren't you supposed to have dinner with Hannah?"
I swallow, hanging my coat and taking off my shoes. My hands are sweating and suddenly I don't know if I want to tell her what I saw.
"Something came up" not completely a lie "Have you already eaten? I can make something" I offer, making my way to the kitchen.
Wine. I need wine.
I don't wait for her reply as I open the fridge taking out a bottle of white wine and the ingredients to make something to eat. My stomach is in a knot anyway, I don't even know why I suggested this.
Mae needs to eat. Right.
I pour myself a glass of the transparent drink and swallow it down in one gulp.
My sister watches me from her spot on a stool as I move around the kitchen, taking out pans and bowls and leaving them on the marble counter.
"Your idea of dinner is pancakes Nonó?" she asks concerned and I stop in my tracks, finally realizing what I'm doing.
Bloody hell.
Why do I always seem to cook something sweet when I'm nervous?
I laugh nervously, trying to act as I know what am I doing, " I feel like it"I shrug.
She gives me a knowing look," Sure. Spit it out Nonó. I know you"
Mixing the dough I take a deep breath, "Dad told you where he was going tonight?"
"He said he was going bowling with Mark and Rick. Why? Did something happen?" she asks, suddenly worried.
Good job Noelle. Now she thinks something happened to dad.
"No, God no," I reassure her quickly. "It's just... I saw him, and he definitely wasn't with Mark and Rick"
She gives me a curious look, tilting her head to the side.
"Uhm... I saw him outside a house... With a woman, they were kind of kissing" I explain, the pancake dough long forgotten.
"Oh"
Yeah, Oh.
"How is she?"
Mae's question surprises me, it's not what I thought she would say.
"I didn't see her well. Brown hair, not very tall I guess" I reply, pouring myself another glass of wine.
"He is seeing someone," she thinks out loud "And must be pretty important if he didn't say anything. Right?"
"Obviously" I agree with her.
She runs a hand through her long hair, smiling "Well, about time. We should ask him to bring her over you know? See how she is."
"As in over, you mean here?" I ask, astonished.
"Yeah. She could come to dinner. Tomorrow maybe? Can't you stay a day longer?"
I finish my second glass of wine, thinking about it.
I don't know why the idea of having this woman here frighten me so much.
Maybe is because my dad never had an important relationship after my mum, and, I mean... We don't really know if it's that important, maybe she is just someone he just met and we are overthinking everything.
"Let's talk with dad first" I suggest and Mae nods.
"Okay. Now... Where are those pancakes? I'm starving".
Turns out she - Lilian - it's pretty important to my dad. They have been seeing each other for six months now. This means that when my dad and Mae came to New York for Christmas, they were already together and my dad decided not to tell us because - as we thought - he wanted to be sure about their relationship before give us the news.
When my dad came back home, early tonight, Mae and I were waiting for him on the couch.
He told us they met one-day last summer when my dad went to her house to fix her gutters. They hit it off quickly, firstly being just friends, and then, one day he decided to ask her out.
He told us she is divorced and has a five years old daughter, Celine.
His blue eyes were shining in adoration as he spoke about her, and I must admit, he talked about her in almost the same way he talked about mum.
And part of me - the irrational one - hated it.
He was quick to call her when Mae suggested the dinner, telling she wanted to meet us for a long time now.
I'm cooking dinner for my father's girlfriend tonight, and I'm freaking the hell out.
And it's probably because I'm totally insane that I decided it was a good idea to leave the house at 5 in the morning, just with my Pj's, on and take the ladder to knock on Harry's window.
The voice in my head is already taking the piss about this.
I tried everything, I swear. I talked for over two hours with Thomas over facetime, telling him what happened. I sent Carter the final menus for two weddings the catering will work at in New York, I made the list Luanne asked me to do.
I even started reading an encyclopedia.
But nothing, I couldn't seem to fall asleep, and I knew what was bugging me.
If a wanted to survive the dinner without freaking out and making a fool out of myself, or even worse scare Lilian off, I needed someone - aka Harry and Anne - to be a buffer between me, my mind and her.
Why did I need to act like Joey fucking Potter at five in the morning was beyond me though.
I just couldn't bear to stay awake in my bed any longer.
Squinting my eyes I look inside Harry's window - thankfully he didn't pull the curtain.
Why am I doing this again?
Keeping one hand on the ladder to steady myself, I take out the other tapping my knuckles on the glass.
He doesn't even budge. I swear there could be World War III outside and he wouldn't hear it.
I take my phone - which I had stuck between the elastic of my panties and my hip before leaving the house - and unlock it, opening the contacts and looking for his name.
It's a strange feeling, pressing the call button under his name after so long. It doesn't seem real.
Two weeks ago I would have cut my hand rather than do something like this... Funny how things quickly change.
I bring the phone to my ear and keep it there using my shoulder as I start tapping again.
Ring
Tap
Ring
Tap
Ring
He really is testing my patience, I can clearly see the light coming from his phone on the nightstand beside his bed, yet he doesn't move.
It could be easy, I could just climb off the ladder and return home, leaving Harry to sleep in peace, but I don't like easy, and I'm quite stubborn, so it's my prerogative now to wake him up.
Tap
Ring
Tap
Ring
Bam.
I should have known it... Why didn't I clap my flat hand on the window before?
The loud sound jolts Harry awake, and without looking in my direction he picks his phone from the nightstand, answering.
"Elle?" his sleeping voice is even slower than normal and comes out as a raspy whisper.
I watch as he rubs his eyes and taps one last time against the window. " Open the window"
He looks at the window and blinks a few times, clearly not expecting to see me here.
I wave my hand and he stands up, putting his phone down and wrapping the blanket around his waist and leaving his torso bare.
10 bucks he is naked.
"Elle?", he asks again opening the window.
I roll my eyes, taking the phone in from in between my shoulder and ear and tugging it in his original place "No, your fairy godmother"
He looks at me like I have two heads and gives me a mocking smile "Are you drunk?"
He thinks he is funny.
"Maybe, at least I would have a valid excuse for doing this" I scoff, pointing to the ladder.
He bit his lip to suppress a smile and rolls his eyes. "What are you doing here? Come inside. You must be freezing" he says, taking a step aside to let me in, but I shake my head.
"I'll be quick. Do you really need to be in London tomorrow night? Or you could stay here another day?" I ask, unsure.
Suddenly my idea doesn't sound as good as I thought. I need to stop acting in the heat of the moment.
He looks confused "Why are you asking?"
"You don't answer a question with a question, didn't they teach you?"
He tilts his head, giving me a dirty look, "It's five in the fucking morning. Too early for that smart mouth of yours"
Touché.
"If, hypothetically speaking, Mae invited my dad's girlfriend to dinner tonight would you and your mom want to come?"
He opens his mouth and closes it quickly, his brow in frown " Big Jim's girlfriend? At dinner?"
"Yeah... The one that had her tongue down his throat yesterday" I cringe.
"Are you okay?" Same question Thomas asked me when I told him.
"I mean... I guess." I shrug "So? Would you come? I need a buffer" I say, truthfully.
"Hypothetically speaking?" he rubs his chin in thought "I guess I can leave tomorrow morning. But at one condition"
Here we go.
"Seriously?" I whisper sheepishly and he nods giving me angelic smile.
"Since you want me to be your buffer: I'll give you a lift to London, you cook me dinner tomorrow night and we speak... Oh, and I would love to eat your banana cream tart for dessert"
Little fucker.
"Anything else?" I scoff and he shakes his head.
"Deal" I huff " But I'm not doing the tart. Be at mine at 7" I say, starting to climb off the ladder.
"And Harry?" I call halfway and he leans out the window to look at me "Thank you" I smile "And learn to put a pj's on. You'll never know"
Several, stressful, hours later I' m immersed in the kitchen, bouncing my head at the rhythm of the song coming from the speaker I attacked to my phone.
I banned Mae and my dad from her needed some time alone in my happy place.
The stove is full of pans, and I'm currently cutting the tomatoes to put in the salad.
"You look like a maniac" a voice coming from the back door makes me jump in my spot and the knife I had in hand slips, falling to the ground.
"You look like an asshole but you don't see me complain" I retort with a sarcastic smile.
Yes, I do.
Harry enters the kitchen and looks around, "Are you cooking for an army?"
I puff, turning to mix the artichokes' sauce I prepared for the tagliatelle "It's not that much. Just: Appetizer, first course, main course, side dish and dessert" I shrug.
He gives me a knowing look, tilting his head to the side, "I want to make a good impression" I snort "What are you doing here anyway? I told 7 pm and it's just 5"
He sits on a stool and takes a piece of bread from the basket before I can swat his hand away. "I got bored. Since when do you wear glasses?" he asks curiously, eyeing my face.
"Since when do you wear jeans that don't block your circulation?" I say, pointing at the large blue jeans he is wearing.
"How come we are friends?" he asks rhetorically and I open my mouth to reply but he stops me "Don't answer that".
I laugh, " I've been wearing them for a couple of months. They are rest glasses." I explain as I finish to prepare the Wellington beef.
Perfect.
"I wear them to,o," he says. "And this" he points to the jeans "Is Gucci".
"You don't say" I mock him.
"Uhm... Elle?" he calls me unsure "Is this a good moment to tell you I don't eat meat?"
I stop my movements, looking up at him, "What? Since when? I saw you eat the chicken last week."
Inhale
"Well... I eat white meat sometimes, but I'm trying to avoid it as much as I can" he explains rubbing his chin and giving me an apologetic smile.
Exhale
"You couldn't tell me before, could you? What am I supposed to give you for a second now?" I say, irritated.
"It's not like there's anything else to eat" he tries to argue, pointing around him "I can eat the vegetables. And, aren't there mushrooms in that thing? You don't like them."
I sigh, rubbing my cheek "I like them here" he frowns " I don't like mushrooms but I like them here" I shrug.
"You are so weird" he chuckles, taking another piece of bread, this time, I manage to swat his hand.
"Ouch"
"Stop eating the bread." I treat him "It's for dinner"
He mumbles something under his breath and snorts.
"Hi, Harry" my sister says, entering the kitchen and seating on the stool beside him.
He gives her a side hug "Nonó, you really think Celine will eat this?" she asks pointing at he fillet still resting on the cutting board.
" Who's Celine?"
"She's coming too?"
Harry and I speak at the same time, and I really wish I could disappear.
"Lilian's little daughter. Dad didn't tell you, did he?" Mae replies, moving his gaze from Harry to me.
"No, he didn't." I snort " Why shouldn't she eat it?"
"She's toddler Nonó. I wouldn't eat it if I was 5, you?" she asks in thought and I see Harry try to hide a grin.
She is not wrong. "Mac and cheese?" I ask, after a while, trying to come up with something that a baby would eat.
"Now that's more like it" my sister agrees.
I nod, mentally thinking if I have everything to do it and coming up with an idea for Harry's second dish. "You." I point at him "Make yourself useful. Go buy some tofu burgers so I cook them for you and no, you will not eat only the vegetables" I say when he tries to complain.
"You really are freaking out, aren't you?" my sister asks me after Harry left.
I sigh, checking for the millionth time everything "Is that obvious?"
She nods, standing up and coming beside me " Why? Everything is going to be fine"
Taking a deep breath, I look at her "I don't know" I reply, even if part of me knows exactly what it's bothering me.
She hugs me, taking the ladle from my shaking hands and giving me knowing look "To the moon and back"
Breath catches in my throat as my eyes water, "To the moon and back" I reply
"Now. Go set the table" I laugh, blinking quickly to getridd of the tears and patting her back.
"Yes chef"
An hour later, I showered and changed in clothes that don't smell like kitchen, Mae is in the living room with Harry and Anne and my dad should be back with Lilian and her daughter soon.
"Mae, they are here" I call out, as I make my way down the stairs fixing the dress I decided to wear.
"Woah sis. I didn't know I had to clean up so much, who's coming for dinner? The Queen?" she jokes, looking at me as enter the living room.
Looking down at my red dress I shrug "It's just a dress".
"I'm pretty sure is that is a Valentino"
I snort, watching as she stands up from the couch "Okay fashion guru. Please, remember: cute and cuddly"
"You look beautiful Noelle," Anne says, coming beside me and putting a hand on my back " Thank you again for inviting us" she smiles.
I smile back and stiff when I hear the door open. Mae runs to greet my dad and our guests, followed by Anne, while I stand there.
"Breathe" Harry whispers taking the place of his mother. His hand on my back.
I didn't even hear him walk beside me.
Looking up at him he gives me a reassuring smile.
"Ready?" he asks when we hear the voices approach us.
"No" I sigh "But I will be," I say, putting on my best smile as they step in the living room.
The first one I see is Celine. She has brown hair, deep brown eyes, and is gripping her little hands to a leg.
That leg belongs to Lilian.
Moving my eyes up her body I'm met with a beautiful woman. The exact opposite of my mother.
She has long dark hair and brown eyes and is watching me with a big smile.
"Oh, you must be Noelle. You're dad talks so much about you, and I'm a fan of yours. I have your cooking book at home" she says, coming in front of me and hugging me.
I look up at Harry as she holds me, and he nudges my side slightly, giving me another smile.
"Nice to meet you," I say, unsure, returning the hug.
"I'm a hugger, sorry," she says, stepping back. "Nice to meet you, I'm Lilian" she turns and gives Harry a hug, which he returns gladly"You must be her fiancée, Thomas, right?"
For the love of fuck. Someone kill me. Now.
Mae bursts into a loud chuckle from behind my dad, Anne gives her a nudge and my dad looks at me, amused.
"Uhm no. I'm Harry, her friend" he shifts on his feet, giving me a side-glance.
"Oh, sorry. You too look so cute together and.. Sorry, again. I ramble when I'm nervous"
You don't say.
"This is Celine" she adds quickly, pointing at his daughter. "She's very shy"
I lean on my knees, looking at the little girl "Hi Celine, I'm Noelle, but you can call me Nonó" I smile and she bites her lip, hiding behind her mother.
"Cece, say hi to Noelle" her mother tells her, stepping to the side and giving her daughter a gentle push.
She looks at me carefully and I give her a warm smile. She's beautiful.
"I'm Cece," she tells me, shifting on her feet.
"And I'm Harry". Again, I didn't hear him move, but he is kneeling beside me, showing his best smile to the little girl.
I swear she's blushing.
"Do you like Mac and cheese Cece? I made you some for dinner" I ask, as she eyes the boy beside me up and down.
She nods shyly and I stand up, straightening my dress.
"Uhm... Why don't you go sit down? I didn't have a high chair for her, so I put pillows on a chair, I hope that's okay" I twist my fingers nervously as I look at the woman in front of me.
"Absolutely. Thank you" she gives me a wide smile. "Oh, I brought some wine. Hope you like it" she adds, taking the bottle from my dad - that now is beside her - and handing it to me.
"Of course" I reply, watching the bottle in my hands. I'll need this.
Everyone talks over dinner. Harry and my dad keep the conversation going while Anne and Mae play with Cece, that now is smiling and talking no-stop.
I am mostly silent, replying only when I'm talked to. I keep moving my eyes from my dad to Lilian, watching as they interact. My dad is always touching her in some way, and she does the same, looking at him with doe eyes.
The irrational part of me is hating every second of it.
"I'm gonna get another bottle of water," Mae says at one point, but I stop her, taking it as my cue to leave the table for a bit.
I need air.
"I'll get it," I tell her, standing up quickly. Harry gives me a concerned look, but I just shrug, walking to the kitchen.
Inhale.
Opening the fridge I take out two bottles of water and put them on the marble counter, resting my hands beside them.
Exhale.
"Hey" hands on my shoulder, voice just above a whisper "Everything okay?
I shut my eyes, taking another deep breath "Did you like your tofu stuff?" turning around, I put on my best poker face.
"Noelle"
"Harry"
"Are you okay?" he tries again, searching my eyes.
"Of course" I smile, but I know by the look on his face that I'm not convincing him.
I try to take the bottles to bring them in the dining room, but he stops me, taking my hands in his.
"Talk to me"
Sighing, I take my hands out of his grasp. "My dad has every right to have a girlfriend" he nods "Mae is happy for him, your mum his happy for him, you are happy for him. So why do I feel like he is forgetting her?" I ask, more at myself than him.
"I mean, I'm happy for him, but the irrational part of me, hates this," I say, moving around the counter and grabbing the pack cigarettes I keep near the back door. "I know it's stupid, I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do, I can't help it" I add, opening the door and stepping in the cold air, lighting a cigarette.
"I think it's normal. I mean, I would feel the same way if my mum brought another man that is not Robin at home".
Exhaling the smoke, I look up at Harry "It's been ten years Harry. I shouldn't feel this way. Mae doesn't feel this way"
"Mae doesn't remember your mum much, you do" he gives me a gentle smile.
Taking a long drag I speak again " This is the first time my dad brings someone at home. Have you seen how they look at each other? They are in love for Christ's sake and I can't be happy for him. He deserves more than this from me."
"Can you give us a moment Harry?"
We turn around at the same time and I gulp, looking at my dad as he gives me a hard stare.
Harry just nods, smiling at me again, and then leaves us alone.
"Dad I..."
"Let me talk," he says sternly, stepping outside and seating on the rocking. "Come here".
I sit beside him and wait for him to speak.
"I loved your mum you know?" I nod "I'll love her forever, she was the love of my life, and she gave me you and Mae." he looks at me and I nod again, my eyes watering "But Lilian... She makes me feel again, after a long time."
"I know dad, I'm sorry. I don't know why I feel this way" I interrupt him " You deserve to be happy"
"It's normal to feel like you do at the beginning, she's a stranger to you, and you feel like I'm replacing your mum, no matter how many years have passed"
"It's just... Strange, seeing you act that way with somebody that is not mum"
"It was strange feeling something for someone that isn't your mum" he says truthfully "But I need to move on. And Lilian is the right one to do so."
I take a drag, and exhale it quickly, watching the white cloud of smoke disappear "I know. I'm sorry, I promise I'll work on this."
He nods, putting an arm around my shoulder and holding me to him. "I know you will, you just need to get used to the idea" he says "You like her though, don't you?"
I grin, looking at him from under my eyelashes "She seems lovely. A tad awkward"
He chuckles, giving my shoulder a squeeze "It was an honest mistake Nonó. You don't see what we see,yet."
I tilt my head, waiting for you to explain further, but he just shrugs.
"Let's go back inside kiddo, before Anne starts a rescue mission." he jokes, leaving a kiss in my hairs.
I finish mu sister and look up at the night sky "Susanne may look like her physically, but you have her same character"
"You think?" I ask, walking beside him.
"Your mother was a pain in my ass most of the time, and so are you"
"Dad!" I scold him, nudging his shoulder with mine.
"I loved her for i,t," he says, turning around to close the door behind us, before looking at the sky. "To the moon and back."
This is who I see as Cece,Abby Rider Fortson.
So... What do you think? Honesty,y after the last chapter I needed a little break.
Anyway, are you ready for what's to come next? Because I'm not.
I want to thank you all again for the love Infinity is receiving, it means a lot to me, and also... Hii, to all the new readers, please, if you want, leave a comment or a vote ♥️♥️
Vote, comment, share.
All the love,
Didi