"A line to which a drowning or falling victim may cling." By the dictionary.
KENDRA'S POV.
I had been out of the hospital for a day now.
I hadn't found the strength in myself to go upstairs.
The living room was already enough torture for me. I couldn't bear to climb those stairs which would probably lead to my utter demise.
I had told Grace and Sylvia to leave, there was no baby for them to take care of after all.
Sylvia had cried and apologized for my loss and left early this morning.
Grace on the other hand was stubborn to let me go.
"I was here the very moment you stepped into this house with Emily in your arms, I'm not leaving until I'm sure you can move on without her in your arms." She had said.
She was one of the few who understood what Emily truly meant to me.
My world revolved around her entirely. She was my world.
I sighed and turned on the couch only to end up falling on the floor.
"Ma'am," came Grace's concerned voice.
"I'm fine Grace." I spat, annoyed at the couch for being too small for me.
"I think you should go to your room and get some sleep ma'am." She told me as she picked up the duvet and pillows which had dropped to the floor.
Both my parents and Grace knew I hadn't had any sleep since Emily passed.
Unless I was unconscious, my eyes stayed wide open.
"I can't sleep and going upstairs isn't an option." I told her.
I hadn't cried for the past two days. My parents were very concerned and alarmed my former therapist.
Yet, I wasn't having any of it.
If I wanted to mourn my daughter, I had the right to do it in any way I pleased whether it be healthy or not.
"You didn't touch your dinner last night, but it's okay. I made breakfast, I'll-" I stopped her mid sentence.
"I'm not hungry." I stated.
I watched a tear roll down her cheek as she watched me struggle to make the couch comfy.
"You're killing yourself Ma'am. Emily wouldn't want you doing this to yourself."
I scoffed and stood to my feet.
"I'm sorry I didn't get the memo that said you now communicate with the dead. No one knows what Emily would want, so all of you should just stop bullshitting me. My daughter is dead, if I decide not to eat or sleep, it's none of your fucking business. If you really care and want to help me, then bring my daughter back." I paused when my I realized my parents had stepped in and both had looks of shock painted on their faces.
"None of you can bring her back. None of you can help me." I spoke defeated and glanced one last time at Grace's tear stained face before entering the guest bathroom by the kitchen and locking myself in.
I leaned against the door after making sure it was latched.
I waited for the tears, prepared for it even, but nothing came.
Sighing again, I made my way to the sink.
I used the spare toothbrush to brush my teeth. I didn't bother to look at my reflection in the mirror. I didn't care to see how sunken my eyes were or how pale I looked.
After brushing my teeth, I knew what I had to do today.
I unlatched the door and headed in the direction of the voices I heard.
The voices led me to the dining area. Everyone stopped talking as I entered.
"I need the keys to my car." I told my father.
His face visibly paled and if this were another occasion, I would have laughed.
But, it wasn't.
"Dear, I can drive you where you want to go." He said softly.
"Thanks for the offer but no. Just the keys will do."
"Honey, can you at least tell us where you're going?" My mom tried.
I ignored her.
"Dad, my keys."
I could see from my peripheral vision, the tear which rolled down my mom's face.
I saw my father battle with himself internally before hesitantly handing me the keys.
I turned on my heels and bolted out.
Once I got into my car, something caught my attention.
I got out, fully aware of the three pairs of curious, pitiful and tear filled eyes watching me from the kitchen window.
I then opened the back door and stared at the cause of my misery.
Memories flooded my mind and before I knew it, I was attacking Emily's car seat.
My father was by my side in an instant, but I wasn't having it.
I fought with the car seat until it eventually gave up and unbuckled.
I huffed and threw it as far as my hands could throw. It ended in my lawn. Great.
"Kendra..." my father tried again.
I pushed him out of my way and got into the car.
I drove off but not before seeing my mom speaking frantically on the phone.
I drove to the mall.
I wasn't someone who enjoyed shopping but I sure as hell wasn't going into my room anytime soon and I needed clothes.
It took me thirty minutes to get huge black hoodies and t-shirts as well as black leggings, black jeans, a black dress, two pairs of black sneakers, a pair of black stilettos and three pairs of sandals in my new favourite colour.
Black.
Let's not forget underwear. All in all, it was a pretty black day for me.
I didn't understand how the sales girls managed to smile and be cheerful. I was sure I sucked the hope out of them as I left each store I visited.
After placing my bags in the car, I then got in and drove to a place i hadn't planned on going.
I parked my car by the side when I arrived. The last time I was here had been at least four months ago, and even then, I'd left a Disney star horrified as I rushed my daughter to the hospital.
It was a school day today, yet I managed to make it to the playground.
I sat on a bench and just watched as nothing happened.
My mind brought up memories of Emily and passed them in front of my eyes as though they were real.
Again, I waited for the tears but nothing came.
"We managed to scar Idina Menzel that day," a voice said.
He laughed sadly and came to stand in my line of sight.
"Your mom called, they're worried about you." He said.
"And here you are, ready to play the fucking hero." I spat.
He pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Let me take you home Kendra, your mother is worried." He told me.
"I'm not your fucking responsibility, Ethan. My mother should be worried about Emily's funeral and not where I go to." I said his name with all the hate I could muster.
I knew deep down, only one person was to blame for Emily's death.
That person was me.
I consented to the surgery. I signed the god damn forms. I was solely responsible because I took decisions on Emily's behalf.
It was the self guilt that had me blaming everyone else.
I had reached a point in my life where I was angry with everyone. I found little ways to blame every single person.
"Would you stop cursing already? And you should be helping your mom plan the funeral of your daughter."
I stood up from the bench and spoke with as much venom I could conjure.
"You have no right to tell me what to do or what I should do. You're not a fucking hero, I have no idea why my mom called you. I don't want to see your face. I don't want you around my family. You already took my daughter, leave me the hell alone. Don't come near my family. I don't want to lose another family member."
Once I registered the hurt on his face, I felt something inside of me. Something very small.
I started walking towards my car but he held my arm.
"I know you're hurt, but you're going about it the wrong way. Hurting others won't bring Emily back and it wouldn't lessen your own pain. If Emily were to see what you've become, she would be repulsed by you."
I took my hand out of his hold as though I had been burnt.
"I never want to see you again."
The hostility in my words and the hate in my eyes should have been enough to send the message across.
I got into my car hastily and punched the steering wheel.
It hurt. It hurt a lot.
I ignited the car with a new determination.
I drove so fast I was a whirlwind. By the time I approached my house, my parents were already waiting in the driveway.
What I did next, shocked the hell out of everyone.
I drove at high speed and headed straight for a tree which I was told had been there for fifteen years.
The neighbours came out at the sound of the crash. My parents were horrified.
I got out and smiled.
The car was ruined.
"Kendra what is wrong with you?" My mom questioned.
I smiled again and took out all the shopping bags before turning to reply.
"The car is ruined. Now, we have an excuse to buy a new one."
She had a flabbergasted look on her face.
My father on the other hand seemed relieved. He probably thought it was a suicide attempt.
At this point, I didn't know exactly. But I knew that car held so many memories of Emily and it had to go.
Maybe if I destroyed everything that held her memory, it wouldn't hurt so much.
I reached the door to find Grace watching me with tears running down.
I looked back to find my father comforting my mother as she cried.
Our neighbours watching the scene unfold.
It was a pity actually.
Grace and my parents watched me ruin a car which could easily be fixed or replaced, whereas I stood here completely ruined.
The difference was, the only solution to my ruin was dead.
I was sinking and my lifeline had already reached the depth of the sea.
If my lifeline wasn't there, who was going to save me?
No one. I knew that now.
For now, I had my head above the water but soon, I would be fully immersed in the water and I'd be drowning.
Maybe that wasn't so bad after all.
Hey guysssss. Looks like Ethan won't be attending the funeral.
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Silent readers, I see you. Thank you for reading although it would make me happy if you vote too.
Love, Joy.