Chapter Forty One
Axel
"She used to do that a lot." Abby said holding Steves hand.
"I thought she wouldn't lash out like that." Jenna muttered.
I shook my head. "Does it not make you wonder what the hell she's been through?" I looked at them.
"Her mother was barely in her life Axel, she was barely there to support her through anything."
"That' still her mother." I sat up and gave Steve a quick glance. "It's not just that either. Delaney's lived with me for five months now and she can't seem to do things like most girls. When we walk past a man while she's holding my hand she'll hold it a little tighter because the guy gives her a look. She won't admit it but I've caught her waking herself up from a nightmare and crying. I've talked to her about the shit she's been through and she's too goddamn fucked in the head that she can't even admit the truth to herself. She doesn't want to look in the mirror and see herself but a stranger. What you do to her, what someone once did to her. You treat her like a used rag. She worthless to you. She was just shutting down in front of you. You think she's going to be here by the morning? Or have you all been waiting for her to just end it all." I got up and walked away.
"Axel she's not going to and she knows she can talk to us." Jenna stood up.
"Does she? Her own father kept secrets. Her own mother decided this world was too fucked. She kissed me like it was the last kiss I'll ever receive and if it is-" I paused and looked at them. "you just better hope it's not." I turned my heel and walked away to find my girl.
-Raynes Diary Entry-
I felt empty, a shadow of a girl. I felt torn and sick.
My life felt half assed. I felt as if I was walking on a million little broken glass pieces of that of my life.
I was too shattered, too torn to function.
The hours that passed, the seconds that bursts through made me feel like my time was ticking.
I felt like grim reaper was knocking on my door calling. "Knock knock bitch, I'm here ready to take your soul."
I felt sick to my stomach, sick to the point where I wondered if it was even my cancer anymore. But my body telling me that it could kill me with this sick feeling.
I closed my eyes and waited until someone would suffocate me. At first I thought it would be the tears but they continued. I tried to make myself over exhausted but I woke up the next day. The idea of killing myself in such a traumatic way scared me in fear of what my family would think, they wouldn't understand.
No one would, no one was there to save a dying girl.
I tried to shake off the thought of that journal entry I once read out of her diary.
"If I was Stormi where would I go?" I muttered as I walked further down the street.
She couldn't just get in a car and go. Her car was a couple blocks away, I left a couple minutes after she did.
I tried to call her and I got straight to voicemail.
"Stormi where are you?" I said as I hung up.
The closer I got to the house the more I felt like I was going in the wrong direction.
"Follow my instincts." I went the opposite direction a couple more turns here and there until I saw her standing in front of a house, a house I've never been too.
"Stormi?" I called out her name and her eyes caught mine.
"Axel?" her feet stayed grounded but she looked shaken up a bit.
I got closer to her and I grabbed her hands and she watched me.
"You scared the shit out of me Stormi." I whispered.
"I'm sorry." she whispered.
"What's wrong?" I asked her then feeling like I complete dumbass for asking. "Fuck." I rested my forehead against hers. "I know whats wrong."
"Do you?" she whispered. "Have you been through my head lately?" she asked. She didn't sound like her, but a darker version of the Stormi I never knew.
"No, do you wanna tell me?"
She smiled and shook her head. "You don't want to know what goes through my head Axel."
"I do actually."
She turned and looked at the house in front of her.
"No you don't because if you did then you'd become as insane as I am."
"What are you saying Stormi?" I was confused at her sudden change in behavior.
"Do you know whose house this is?" she asked me.
"No." I shook my head and looked at the house with her.
It was a typical rural house, two car garage, front door that was wide, bushes resting beside the house. Windows in the right places and a lawn greener than the neighbors next door.
"Tyler Burns." She said it like I should know who that is.
She didn't give me time to answer when she answered my unsaid question.
"This is the house where I used to come when I wanted to forget. The last time I was here was the night of the party. Tyler was downstairs in the basement with some girl he barely knew. His brother threw the party." she shook her head. "Tyler never was the big crowds kind of guy. We were a small group, Hunter, Tyler, Ava, and me. Then his older brother, a year older than I am thought about a party. He was a senior and on the football team. I heard he was crushing on me, wanted to impress me. That night I remember walking right here, Hunter was already ahead of me because he wanted to kick it with someone else. I stood in the front for awhile though. I watched as people walked around back and some using the front door. Every single light was on, the music blaring two blocks down. A place where I was comfortable, happy, content became a nightmare to me and here I am. Standing in front of a house that's empty and all I can think about is grabbing a match and burning it to the ground because every second I look at it. Every fucking second I stand here all I can see is the ghost of me being carried up those stairs-" she pointed and I followed her finger. "And then placed in that room, the third window down. I remember how it felt, I remember how he treated me. I was like a doll to him. His own personal sex toy." she looked at me and her eyes were dry, not even glassy eyes. "And you know what fucks me up the most?" she paused and shook her head. "He's with Abby and he's play pretend that he never did anything wrong. He's acting like a little bitch and playing house with my family. I wonder how many more girls he fucked around with. I wanted to tell them, to ruin him but they'd take his side anyways. They're all a little fucked up in the head."
I scanned the yard again before realizing the for sale sign in the yard.
"Stormi?"
"What Axel?"
"Do you want me to buy this house?" I asked her.
She looked at me and scoffed.
"If your that dumb even after all the things I said then go for it." Her walls were protecting her. I saw right through it.
"No, because if I buy this house then you can destroy it. Tear it all down. That's what you want right?" I asked her.
She looked at me and shook her head. "What I want the most is to apologize to my mother. What I want is to stare at Sanders in the face and tell him I'm not afraid of him. What I want the most is to be able to tell my father how much of a bitch he is. What I want the most out of all is to be able to look at this god forsaken house and feel better. I want to move past this block that I haven't been able to for years. I want to look at you right now and tell you that I love you and that my life won't mix wrong with yours. But I can't do any of that because my mothers dead, I'm terrified of Sanders, my fathers not around, I'm worse than I was looking at this house, I'm stuck in my junior year and we won't work out no matter how much we fucking try because I don't belong in your world Axel. I won't belong because I suck at the real world let alone the world of fame."
I grabbed her hand. "Do you trust me?"
"Is that even a question?" she raised her brow.
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"Axel what are we doing at the cemetery?"
"Just because your mother's dead doesn't mean you can't apologize."
"It's too late!" she yelled at me.
I shook my head. "No-"
"Axel she's gone, she's dead. She can't fucking hear me. She can't tell me it'll be ok, just let it go! Nothing will get better, I won't get better! If you really wanna love someone have them be able to love you back! I can't love you! I won't!"
I was quiet and I looked at her. I felt the hurt but I also realized she was hurting just as much. Her life crumbled right in front of her eyes. She's shutting down just like Ryane did.
"Axel-" she said my name but in her eyes what she said caused damage. She thought everything she said was unforgivable just like Ryane thought too.
She turned her heel but I grabbed her hand and pulled her back to me.
"I said the exact same thing when Rayne died." I looked at her and she was quiet.
Me talking about my sister was rare and me telling her anything about her was important to Stormi.
"I never really settled with her death until I found out it was suicide. I went back home, you know that. She had journals and I read every single one and I blamed myself for not saving her but I realized I couldn't save her. I couldn't do the shit I needed to do because she never let anyone know. She hid her sadness because she was afraid of what we'd think. Your mom did the same thing. Her actions, mistakes, whatever-" I sighed. "She couldn't face reality."
"It was depression Axel." she looked at me.
"Maybe yeah but depression doesn't kill the person fully. It just gives the idea of the way out. It's that person's action that kills them."
"She killed herself because life got too hard!" she argued.
"What are you going to do Stormi!" I yelled at her then.
She was quiet and looked down at her feet. "I-" she couldn't bare to look at me.
"Just because your family doesn't understand the shit you go through doesn't mean I don't. Just because they think you running off to god knows where will calm you, doesn't mean I do. I love you and no matter how much you tell me you don't, no matter how much you keep pushing me away doesn't mean I'll disappear."
Tears streamed down her cheeks. "I'm scared." she whispered.
I pulled her into a hug and I held on tightly. Tighter than I ever held on.
"I know you are baby." I whispered.
She pulled away and looked at me before giving me another hug.
"Talk to her, and pretend if you have to that she's right there with you. Talking about your real problems helps a lot more than letting them sit there." I kissed her cheek. "I'll be in the car. If you don't want to then come to the car and if you do then I'll wait until you came. Take all the time you need."
"Thank you." she whispered.
"I've done nothing special."
"Your saving my life." she kissed my lips and it didn't feel like a goodbye this time more like a I'm home kinda kiss.
Truth is, ever since I met her, ever since I laid my eyes on her. I've felt at home with her. I just didn't know it felt like that until now. She's my home.