Continuation of Nayla's Journal
Dear Diary,
One afternoon, I visited Caden's house and her family came to greet me. I was silent for a moment. It was my first time to meet them and I felt nervous.
"Who is this pretty girl Caden? Is she your classmate?" Her mom uttered once she opened the door to see me.
"Uh, yes mom." Caden answered after pulling me inside.
She then put on her genuine smile. "Oh how great. My daughter's having a new best friend despite being very new to the school. I hope your friendship last."
As we went to her room, something ticked in my head. "Have you not tell her yet?"
Caden looked at me blankly. "About what?"
"About us?"
She sighed then looked down. "I'm sorry...I just couldn't."
I frowned. "Why? Are you ashamed of me? Of us?"
Her blue eyes narrowed, wrinkles on her precious forehead were forming. "Of course not!"
"Then how can you do this when I gave everything to keep our relationship known!" I felt weak to the bone...eyes getting itchy with tears. "How can you hide me like that?"
"I'm not ready yet! Stop forcing me! I'm not like you!"
It was the first time she yelled at me and it felt like a slap on my face. It stang. "I'm sorry." I faintly murmured as I dropped my head. "Please forgive me for making you feel this way. It's just...I feel so....upset? I just thought that you--nevermind." I sighed. I was so embarrassed of myself for thinking such thing that she would do the same. "I'm sorry Caden..."
"Just give me some time..." She said, still with a scowl on her pretty face. "I'm sure I'll come up with a way. It's just....not now."
I nodded, trying to understand.
"Now can you leave me a moment to think?"
And I did. I thought it would take a short while. But it lasted a whole month. I didn't know what had gotten into her. However, I knew for sure that she was taking her time to think. To be sure. To be not confused. I knew that feeling, and so I let her do her solemn search of who she really was.
To fill the time that I felt empty inside without her, I hang out with Kean. My bestfriend since childhood. It was fun being myself before her. That rebel and careless kid who didn't give a shit because she knew that she belonged only to herself. That sense of idea that your responsibility was not divided. I thought for it as a win-win for us. She had the time to find herself, I had the time to recollect myself.
During a hot afternoon, Kean would pick me up then we would secretly smoke cigarettes while eating ice-creams. He would bring me to the beach at night with his Cadillac to stargaze while lying on the sand and would do crazy shit with me like jumping on rocky cliffs to dive in the ocean, and vandalizing the streets with graffities and being chased by the cops because of it. With him, danger felt like a good thing. It was the kind of danger that I had fun with, not the danger that would leave me broken.
I loved it. I loved the adrenaline, the feeling of his grip on my hand, his warm smile that made me forget my pain, his comforting embrace which told me that everything would be alright. He was everything I needed when I stumbled lost and bruised. But I knew my boundaries. I didn't want to have Kean just to be used in times of need. And so I stopped this flattery feeling before I got attached with it. Of course he understood when I told him. He said it's time to go back to her and I thanked him.
Next month came and so did Caden's birthday. I planned everything out with a cake and balloons with the help of Kean. I texted her to meet me up in our favorite Cafe to talk, but really, I was planning to surprise her there.
Time ran quick. Morning shifted to afternoon, shifted to night. Still, no Caden. The food I readied were getting lonelier for it was left untouched, but the cake felt more discarded than ever since the person that was meant to blow the candles on it and eat it happily didn't come at all. One by one, the staffs left. But they were kind enough not to close the cafe yet.
Tears dared to come out from my eyes. However, I didn't let it out. I was stronger than this. But honestly, I was already breaking. It's not that I didn't feel the pain. It's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore.
"Nayla." Kean spoke. "It's time to go home. It's already past 10. She's not coming."
I nodded then followed him to his car, bringing along with me the discarded food that I personally made for her. We rode. The highway was clear. The night was silent. We were silent. I was silent. Only the breeze which caressed my face on the open window was the only thing that kept me sane from the quietness. At least the wind knew how to comfort someone who had been abandoned like the raindrops on the cement which the cloud spill just to make it evaporate into nothingness. I knew that feeling. And I knew well it hurts.
As we passed by a lively night club, an idea struck my mind. I told Kean to pull over and party there to get my mind off from some things that kept me bothered. He was very considerate and so we went inside. Neon lights of different colors played with my eyesight as the loud music harrased my ears. People was dancing and smooching, drinking and smoking. It was a place to live for the night, to forget, to escape, and that's why i succumbed myself to the place.
Tired, Kean and I went to a booth to take a break and ordered some refreshments. As we were enjoying and talking, I heard a laugh that was so familiar. That voice that seemed to get carved in my ears. I stood up and without hesitation followed it and found myself peaking beside our booth.
A golden mane instantly caught my attention sitting in the middle of her laughing friends and the moment she spoke, it made me sure that it was her.
"So Caden. Seriously. What's going on with your relationship." One of her friends uttered.
"Seems pretty crazy." The other added. "Crazily complicated."
"Well..." I watched Caden shrug. "It's not that complicated for me. It's complicated for her." She told them apathetically. "It's not my problem that she fell so easily and got too attached. Honestly, it's the two traits which annoy me the most. It gives off no challenge anymore for me. Now it's not that fun like the first."
"So you don't have any feelings for her at all?"
"Honestly, at some point I did. But it was all for fun. I didn't expect she'd take it far." She said, then chuckled. "She even demanded me to come out with my parents with her."
"Whoa." Her friends all laughed. And I felt ridiculed. "Your girl have commitments."
Caden rolled her eyes. "Well I don't. And that is what makes it so annoying. And now she's been bothering me with texts and calls to go to "our" cafe. To what seriously? Propose to me? She doesn't need to propose. She's already acting like a nagging wife and it makes me want to puke and die."
A guy placed his arm around her shoulder and said. "You can just break up with her and continue what we have." He then gave her kisses on her neck.
Caden laughed then playfully pushed him off from her. "There's nothing to break James. The two of us are all free. She's just too stupid to hold on into something that isn't real."
"Is that true?" I said. Finally revealing myself.
Caden was caught offguard once she saw me. Her eyes turned wide and her mouth gaped open. "N-nayla...w...what are you doing here?"
Tears dared to escape from my eyes. But I suck it in. I didn't want to look pathetic than I already was. "I gave you everything. Sacrifice everything for you. But what a shame that I did all of that to someone who doesn't deserve it." With that, I left, striding to the exit, alone, broken, and suffocating.
"Wait! Nayla!" Caden ran after me and she stopped me just as I stepped out from the backdoor.
I shrugged off her hold on my hand then gave her a mixed look of anger and sadness. "What could you possibly want more from me? I heard everything. And it's clear to me that there's nothing to hold onto anymore. So stop holding me when I can't hold you back."
"Nayla..." I didn't know why. But her ocean blue eyes were pleading before me. "...Dont go."
"Then...just give me one good reason to stay."
"I... I love you...?"
I sighed. I knew that she was still in trouble with herself. In trouble with me. "You can't say that without being sure. It's risky. You'll just get someone hurt. And I don't want to get hurt further. You told me that I'm too stupid to get attached and that's why I'm doing my best to make it right for myself." I told her. "There's nothing to hold onto anymore right? Now let me go."
But she only gripped my hand tighter. "No." She mumbled. "I know I said things. But I just want you to know that...at some point, i was genuine."
"...Let me go, Caden."
"I... I can't. I don't know. Maybe because you make me feel great. Make me feel special."
"But did you ever try to make me feel special? The answer is no. You said it yourself. It was all an illusion. We shouldn't continue like this. We'll just gonna make ourselves stupid if we did. It's clear that we can't be together. Not when I'm committed when you're not. This relationship will not work if it's one sided."
"...But, I want you."
"Are you brave enough to commit?"
She became silent. And it was enough to know her answer.
"Goodbye Caden. Thank you for the memories. The good ones."
-
I know parting is always hurtful, pain that could shatter one' s heart. But, it makes it stronger. The stitches that leave scars on us are hideous and bears memories that are either good or bad. However, it is something we should be proud of, for it's a symbol that we made it through and survived. My case with Caden, although ended up badly is still beautiful and important to me. Beautiful because she made me feel love even if it's not requited; at least I get to know what love was. Important, because she gave me experience and a lesson which I learned from. It helped me grow as a person.
Separating is sad. I know. But I can always find love for love is everywhere, it surrounds you. You can find it with your friends....the love that I feel with Kean, with your family...although can be chaotic sometimes but still the people you can depend on, and with God...the one who knows you the most and where His heart holds you when His arms cannot.
My breakup is not my destruction. This is my birth to a stronger self.
-Nayla
. 🌹.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."
1 Corinthians 13:4-5