L U N A
"I haven't been sleeping,
just stare at the fan all night, and wait it out."
Numb.
That's how I felt as I slowly walked down the busy streets of New York City. Strangers bumped into me and I didn't even care to respond to their apologies or insults as I stared straight ahead. I could feel my phone constantly vibrating in my pocket but I couldn't care less about it right now.
I couldn't really bring myself to care about anything anymore.
The sky was darkening and the air around me was getting much more chillier as the night deepened. The littered streets slowly began to the less and less crowded and even with the sun completely set and dusk approaching, I didn't turn around. I just couldn't bring myself to walk back home.
Home.
Just thinking of that word made bile rise in my throat. A bitter feeling settled in my heart as I thought about it over and over again. For so long, I had forced myself to accept that the Hudson's house was now my new home, even on days where it didn't feel like it.
And even before I was adopted, the optimistic side of my heart always tried to build a home wherever I went—whether it was the countless orphanages, shelters or adoption centres, I always tried to comfort myself and remind myself that I was home.
The Hudsons were an amazing family—the most caring, affectionate and loving family. And I remember, the second I stepped through their doors, I was wrapped in a blanket full of love and happiness. I was so, so happy because it felt like I had found my forever home for the first time ever since mom left.
But how foolish was I to even hope for a second that I had found my forever home in the Hudson's. How foolish was I to believe that those moments of love and happiness would ever last. How fucking foolish was I to dare to hope.
"Mom!" A loud giggle followed the high-pitched voice and my eyes snapped up, instantly falling on a little girl trying to run away from her mother's embrace.
Giggling, she sprinted away, turning her blonde head to look back at her mother who was standing there with her hands placed on her waist, a soft smile playing on her lips.
The kid ran closer to me and upon noticing how her mother was following her, instantly hit behind me, her tiny hands gripping the bottom of my sweater tightly. She continued to snicker as she hid behind my legs and my heart instantly warmed at the sound of her angelic laughter.
"Annie!" I looked up and saw her mother standing before us, a stern look in her eyes although the small smile on her face gave her away.
"I'm so sorry." She spoke, her eyes lifting up to meet mine. The second her eyes fell on me, it was like something inside me flipped because the smile on my face was wiped off in an instant.
The little warmth in my heart upon seeing the little girl instantly vanished, and my heart was blanketed with nothingness.
"Annie can get really-" she started, trying to explain herself but I cut her off, forcing a smile on my face.
"It's alright." Her face instantly lit up with a wide smile and she gestured to her daughter who pointed but let go of my sweater anyways before making her way over to where her mother stood. I watched silently as she gently picked Annie up and balanced her on her hip.
She looked back at me again and this time, I took a minute to study her features. And as she looked at me, I was instantly taken aback at how familiar she looked—the hair, the eyes, and even the smile.
With dirty blonde hair coming down to her hips in light, graceful waves and her red lips stretched into a heartwarming smile, she could pass as one of the most gorgeous females on the planet. Her blue eyes shone brightly, crinkling in the corners slightly.
And I hated how something in me ached at the sight of her.
Slowly, I nodded at her and turned around as quickly as possible before making my way down the streets and far away from that woman. Because the last thing I needed right now was a reminder of the past.
Even though everything that happened today made it seem like the past was going to be haunting me wherever I went, no matter what.
***
"Hudson?"
I spun around quickly, my eyes widening as they met with a pair of dark ones. My heart began pounding furiously as the calm expression in his face hardened into a scowl and he quickly looked away, avoiding eye contact with me.
"Tobias." I choked out. His jaw clenched and I watched carefully as he undid his apron before hanging it on the hook.
"What can I get you?" He turned to me, placing a strained smile on his lips. The muscles on his arms tightened and his hands clenched the counter as he slipped behind it. My heart ached at the sight but I pushed that feeling down before straightening myself.
The truth was, I didn't really expect him to be on his shift as I made my way to the café. Hell, he was the last person I had expected to meet tonight but now that I was standing right in front of him, I couldn't help the part of my heart that cried out to me to clear things up between us.
"I-uh-no." I shook my head, fiddling with the rings on my fingers as I looked up at him. He raised his eyebrows at me, a disinterested look on his face. "I didn't come here for that."
He let out an annoyed sigh at that and pushed back from the counter but just as he was about to turn around to walk into the back of the kitchen, I took a deep breath and called out to him.
"What?" He snapped and I couldn't help but flinch. Even though I knew he noticed that action, the hard glare on his face never wavered. I was so glad that the entire café was empty, as it was time to close up and by the looks of it, Tobias was the only waiter there.
"Can we talk?" I pleaded just as he walked out from behind the counter and scoffed loudly. I followed behind him as he walked over to the fireplace and grabbed a poker, nudging the remains rather harshly.
"I didn't mean for this to happen." I spoke when he made no effort of kicking me out of the café right then. "Any of it. And I'm so sorry-"
"You know I had feelings for you, right?" He turned around harshly and I was taken aback by the darkness in his eyes. Slowly, I nodded.
"You knew." He repeated, nodding dangerously. "And you also knew you didn't like me back."
It wasn't a question and I closed my eyes tightly, because looking at his expression pained me to no end. I nodded.
"Yet you still fucking led me on!" He yelled, and my eyes snapped open as he threw the poker to the floor. The raw pain and anger in his voice was enough to cause my heart to shatter and hate blossomed in me; hate for myself for everything I did to him.
"I didn't mean to!" I desperately cried back but he didn't care to listen as he pushed past me. "Tobias!"
"What?" He yelled, anger clear in his voice.
"You don't have the right to be mad at me!" And even though this was supposed to come out in a furious tone, my voice betrayed me and the words spewed out in the most vulnerable voice ever.
"Really? Luna, you led me on for months and then decide to choose a totally different guy! Without even letting me know! So I'm so sorry if I cannot control my anger!"
"I didn't lead you on!" I yelled, throwing my arms up in exasperation. "God, Tobias I tried my best to convey to you that I wasn't interested but you just couldn't take a fucking hint! You asked me out to the game and I turned you down! How is that leading you on?"
"You told me that you aren't comfortable in crowded places! How is that turning me down?" He countered and I groaned in frustration, covering my face with my hands.
Before I could even say anything, Tobias took a few dangerous steps towards me and even though my heart was racing, I was not going to back away that easily.
"You know what, Luna?" He spat. "I really should have listened to my friends when they told me you're a slut. But just know, that when Kyler dumps your fucking ass, don't come running back to me-"
His head snapped to the side and I gritted my teeth together, my hand stinging from how hard I had slapped him.
"Go fuck yourself." And with that, I span around and stalked out of the café, slamming the door shut behind me.
My head was spinning. My heart was racing. My chest was closing up slowly. But I still didn't stop for a single second. I breathed heavily as I made my way down the almost empty streets. My phone was ringing loudly in my pockets but I didn't have it in myself to check it.
"You're a slut."
No.
"You fucking led me on!"
I didn't.
"I cannot control my anger!"
I didn't realise that tears were streaming down my cheeks until a sob racked through my body just as my house came into my line of vision. I inhaled shakily and furiously wiped away the tears on my cheeks before making my way to the front door. Fishing the keys out of my pockets,
I unlocked the door before stepping inside.
I didn't even care to look around to make sure everyone was asleep as I made my way over to the stairs but froze on the first step when I heard someone.
"Luna?" Jane's vulnerable voice came from behind me and I closed my eyes tightly before turning my head to look at her. Her face held so much pain, tear tracks glistening on her cheeks and her eyes red and puffy. Yet I couldn't find it in my heart to show any sympathy towards her.
"Do you need anything?" I asked, my voice monotone; empty.
"Are you okay?" I stiffened.
No. I wasn't. I really wasn't. And I wanted to scream that out to the world. I felt like sobbing. I felt like yelling. My fingers was itching to feel something.
But all I did was avert my gaze from her face.
"I'm going to bed." Was all I said as I rushed up the stairs. Because right now, I couldn't even bring myself to nod or give her a 'I'm fine.'
I slammed open my bedroom door but instantly froze in my place when I noticed how the lights were turned on and sitting on my bed, was the one and only Kyler Anderson.
His head hung low as he stared at his phone screen, his leg jumping up and down as he pushed his hair away from his eyes. As soon as he heard the door gently hit the wall behind it, his head snapped up and his worried gaze met mine.
His eyebrows knitted together and his hair were incredibly messy, like he had been running his hands through it too many times. His lips curled down in a frown as he jumped up from the bed upon seeing me but I didn't miss the look of relief that washed over his face.
"Luna, where were you? I've been calling you nonstop and you weren't picking up." He said, walking over to gently cup my face in his hands. His eyes flickered all over my face, searching for any answer.
Just the sight of him was enough to make me forget about all the damn walls I had built around myself and I was about to break down and explain everything but something in me snapped and I simply shook my head.
"I just needed some air so I went for a walk." I placed my hand over his and pulled the, away from my face before stepping away and walking over to my closet, with Kyler trailing behind silently.
He didn't say a single word as I pulled out a fresh sweater but I could still feel his gaze lingering on me as I walked past him and back into my room.
"What are you doing here, Kyler?" I sighed after what felt like an eternity of silence.
"Jane called me." I stiffened as he spoke and slowly looked up at him. He was leaning against the wall, fiddling with the phone in his hands but his intense eyes were locked on me.
"What?" I choked out. He nodded slowly, pushing himself away from the wall before walking over to me. I noticed how he was hesitant to step too close to me, after was I had done just a few minutes ago.
"Yeah." He pushed his hair back from his eyes. The worry on his face instantly made me feel like a lump was lodged into the throat. "She said you weren't feeling too well but when I got here you had already left. I just-I got so worried."
He whispered the last part but the hurt was clear in his voice.
And it scared me because no one had actually, truly cared for me this much. No one had genuinely meant those words and it was hard to believe that anyone actually felt for me that way.
I watched as he hesitantly took a step closer and placed his hands on my cheeks. This time I didn't pull away as Kyler's dark blue eyes searched my face.
"What happened?" He asked in a whisper and those two words were enough to make me break.
I closed my eyes as tears quickly escaped them, trickling down my face. And before I could stop myself, a sob racked through me and I quickly wrapped my arms around Kyler's neck, pulling him closer to me.
He was stunned, to say the least, because it wasn't every day that I expressed my emotions in front of him. But he quickly recovered and wrapped his arms around me protectively. His hand gently rubbed my back as my face rested on his chest, unstoppable tears pouring down my cheeks.
"Luna, baby, what's wrong?" The raw pain in his voice only made me cry harder and I couldn't say anything even if I tried. So I simply shook my head as more tears fell from my eyes.
I couldn't tell him about tonight. I just couldn't. I had barely come to terms with it myself. I knew how much Kyler cared about me and I knew for a fact hat this would break him.
"It's your dad."
I stiffened and my heart dropped. My eyes flickered between the both of them and I tried to pick out any hint that this was all a sick joke but from the grave expressions their faces wore, this seemed nothing like something they were doing just for laughs.
My blood was pounding in my ears and the itch in my wrists grew stronger. Unconsciously, I felt myself reaching out to scratch the my wrists rather harshly.
"What about him?" My voice sounded so empty and foreign to my own ears, and it felt like I wasn't standing here in my own body but in a stranger's. And I hated that.
"Luna, come sit." Andrew offered. I clenched my jaw and scratched even harder but they didn't seem to notice.
"What about him?" I gritted out, not moving from where I was standing in the kitchen doorway.
Andrew sighed defeatedly and I heard Jane sniff just as I turned to her. She sat up straighter as she looked up at me before speaking in a slightly raspy voice.
"He um he's here in New York and he what to-he wants to see you." Jane said and my heart fell. Fear crawled into my bones as I stared at both of them but didn't say anything as they continued.
"And he also said he wants you back." Andrew spoke carefully, as if he was afraid I might explode any second. "Which isn't legally allowed but we were thinking that you turn eighteen this year so you get to make that decision yourself."
"No." I spoke without any hesitation. My voice was harsh and firm and my hands curled into tight fists out of anger.
Both of them looked up in shock, as if not expecting that answer and I shook my head.
"I am not going to visit him and I'm not going back to him. He can go die in a freaking hole and I wouldn't give a single crap."
Andrew nodded understandingly. "I get that, Luna. But you should at least meet him, you know. Clear things between you guys-"
"No!" I said, even more sternly. "I am not going to see him."
I turned around. I couldn't stay here any longer. I needed to get out of here. I needed to leave.
Ignoring both of their cries behind my back, I walked over to the front door and made my way out to the freezing streets.
"Luna, please tell me what's wrong." Kyler pleaded, his voice full of worry and desperation. He had guided us back to the bed where I now sat on his lap, my face resting against his chest and legs resting over his.
My sobs had died down to silent cries but even now, Kyler didn't complain at all.
I shook my head again as more tears spewed out of my eyes.
I just couldn't do it. I couldn't tell him.
| a u t h o r ' s n o t e |
heyyy im back with another update.
honestly this was so hard to type because i wrote three versions of this but kept deleting them again and again cuz i wasn't satisfied. not to mention i was dealing with a horrible writer's block.
anyways hope you all enjoyed! let me know what you thought
love u all 🖤