Theo spent most of the suns leading up to the raid preparing for it. If she wasn't with the smiths helping with weapons she was up top helping Navi sail and reach the necessary speeds to cut some time off the journey. She felt as if she blinked and they had arrived. Theo got practically no rest the whole time at sea, the suns she had off were spent in her room worrying about changes to the plans. She made an effort to not hole herself up though. She stayed for dinner and spent her nights out on the deck with the crew drinking.
Xyra and her had practically stopped speaking unless it concerned the ship or the raid. Xyra had also stopped coming by at night and Theo couldn't blame her. Not only had Theo inserted herself into a situation that didn't concern her, but she also did it without tact. Further, she also confirmed to Xyra that she slept with Navi. The night before they were due to arrive at the island, the pirates gathered to party on the deck once again. On the deck, Theo caught Xyra during a moment alone. Xyra moved away from Theo.
Theo grabbed Xyra's arm, "Xyrabellis, will you talk to me please?"
Xyra looked back at Theo, "I have nothing to say, Theo."
"No, but I do."
Xyra pulled her arm away and turned to face Theo, "What is it then?"
"I'm sorry. I know you said there's nothing to apologize for but we both know that's bullshit. You're my right hand, I shouldn't have made you talk about it like that. I can't even begin to understand what you're going through." Theo conceded and Xyra's facial features softened.
Xyra hated it but she had a soft spot for Theo. Whenever she would apologize, the genuineness always made Xyra's anger melt away. She knew Theo had been thinking about it since they had argued. Xyra also could admit that she gave the silent treatment for so long to let Theo stew in her sorriness. Xyra couldn't give in right then though, she needed Theo to grovel some more and Theo knew it. Theo sleeping with Navi was a line that was crossed that shouldn't have been. They had slept together in the past but that was before Xyra and Navi were ever involved.
"I don't know what I was thinking when I slept with her, Xy. There's no excuse though and I made that decision without thinking of the consequences. I will be forever sorry," Theo pleaded.
"I'm not accepting your apology. I never will. You were selfish for that Theo. There are 40 women on this boat and you had to choose her..." Xyra sighed, "But I'm done being mad at you. I don't like it and we're too close to the raid to let some personal things get in the way."
Theo nodded and rubbed the back of her neck, "I know it's not your problem but... I haven't been able to sleep lately. If you want to come to my room later it'll be open."
Xyra wanted to get one last petty thing in before she dropped the issue. She wanted to just say no and that it wasn't her problem. Instead, she just shrugged and walked away, knowing she would eventually find her way into Theo's room. Xyra couldn't help it she knew Theo too well to leave her to try and sleep by herself. It was the night before a raid that their whole lives were riding on and Theo would most likely not be able to sleep without her there. Theo had always been a fussy sleep when they were kids and it wasn't something she grew out of. Xyra figured out over time that if she was near Theo or had her arms wrapped around her that Theo would sleep marginally better. Xyra didn't understand it but she did it anyway. Nights before big events, like the upcoming, raid they usually slept in the same bed.
Xyra waited on deck until Theo retired to her room. Xyra wasn't going to give Theo what she wanted so easily though. First, Theo would have to face whatever had been making her so distant in the past cycle. Xyra was cornered by Theo and now she was going to flip the table. She followed Theo shortly after and sat on Theo's desk. Theo, who had gotten into bed was trying to hold back a smile.
"You came," Theo stated obviously.
"Aye but I'm not so sure you're going to be thankful when we are done here," Xyra mused.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Theo groaned and pulled her sheet over her head.
"Means we are going to get to the bottom of your sleeplessness. What's been bothering you?" Xyra asked.
"Xyra listen, I told you I'd come to talk to you when I was ready," she said from under the blanket
"If I left it up to you that would be never," Xyra called out.
There was a pause before Theo's voice returned. She spoke so softly that Xyra almost did not catch it from the muffle of the blanket, "I just don't want you to lose faith in my ability to be Captain."
Xyra could sense the vulnerability of Theo's statement despite the Captain being underneath her sheets. She knew it was spoken from the heart and Xyra's stomach was in a pit. Her best friend, the person she trusted most, didn't want to open up out of fear that Xyra would think less of her.
"You are my Captain. I chose you and I will continue to choose you to be my Captain for all my suns, Theo. Nothing you say or do will make me think you've lost the ability to bring greatness to this crew," Xyra said, feeling dumb for speaking so highly about someone that was not emerging from their blanket fortress.
"Fine. What do you want from me?"
"First, I want you to take the blanket off. Then I want you to talk to me about what is going on with you."
"Take your pick!" Theo said, still from underneath the blanket, "An upcoming mission that if we fail we either die from a noose or die from starvation, my mortal enemy is probably only two suns away from us and I can't do anything about it, or I'm keeping a secret from my crew which I have only done one other time in my whole time as Captain."
Xyra walked over to the bed and pulled the blanket off of Theo, "I know your issues but I need you to get to the root of your problems. We've been at the edge between life and death many times before and it hasn't affected you like this."
"I can't even begin to formulate the emotions into words, Xyra. Neither of us is good at that and you know it."
"I know but you're going to have to. If you are not rested tomorrow and you're in your head this mission could fail. I need you to dig deep here, what is different about this mission than any other one?" Xyra pushed.
"Nothing. It's not the mission, it's me. I've just been worrying about the crew. I've heard so many times that the crew made a decision to be here and it's not my responsibility to keep them alive but it is. I just can't shake the thought of bringing death upon all of us. I know that's the life we chose to live and tragedy will inevitably strike but I can't help but feel responsible for it all." Theo admitted and she felt a weight lift off of her chest.
"Your job is to do everything you can to make sure that when we engage in risky things that we have covered all of our possible options. That we've been smart and calculated the risks. That we make money and stick to our goals," Xyra sat in bed next to Theo.
There was more hanging in the air that needed to be said and Theo just jumped straight back into it.
"And this secret, Xy. It's killing me... You know how hard it is to look at Cooker right now and know I'm lying to her? She told me when she said she didn't want a job in the ship's command that it didn't mean she wanted to be left out of decisions. I promised her that would never happen. I never thought a time would come that I would lie to my crew about Vaith and here I am. The more I think about it the more guilty I become but also, the more resentment builds. I'm suffering through this secret because they wouldn't have the clarity to see it's a suicide mission." Theo ranted.
Part of Theo's mission as a captain was to be as fair and as open with her crew as possible. She had never kept a controversial lead from her crew. She always presented it and left it to a vote. This was the first time Theo had kept a lead to herself and the second time in the 2,000 suns she was a captain that she had kept a secret. It was truly bothering Theo and Xyra could see just how much. Xyra had seen Theo do all kinds of things that could make a grown man sick but keeping a secret from the crew is where Theo drew the line at.
Xyra was stunned silent. There was a lot to unpack with what Theo had just dumped on her lap but that was the point of this, get Theo talking. A lot of what Theo said was burdening and it was no wonder Theo had been withdrawn in the recent suns. Theo was staring at Xyra waiting for a response but Xyra was still processing. There was no correct place to start to Xyra cleared her throat and tried to talk Theo through her emotions.
"Resentment?" Xyra asked.
"Not resentment, I guess it's just anger. It's a flash and then it goes away. They're not to blame, if I was in their position I would demand his head no matter the cost. I don't resent them for it... I'm angry that they are making me keep this secret and they don't even know it." Theo admitted. She would never harbor feelings of ill will towards her crew but she also hated keeping this secret.
"If keeping this to yourself is tearing you up that badly, we can tell them in a few suns. When this whole thing is over and we are on our way to Efriti we can tell them all about Vaith. They'll be mad but they'll understand," Xyra offered and Theo nodded, that was a better idea than never saying anything.
"Yeah... Once this whole thing is behind us and we're done with the raid I'll tell the crew," Theo planned.
"Good... That's settled. But can we talk about what's really bothering you? Vaith. You've been different these past weeks and it's not just stress or the secret," Xyra said softly, hoping Theo would see how even small changes in her behavior alerted the crew and others to something being wrong.
"What about him. He's near and we can't get to him," Theo shrugged, waiting for this part of the conversation to just blow over.
"Right, and how is that affecting you, Theo?" Xyra pressed, hoping Theo reflected in on herself.
"I'm done with talking now, Xy. For real now."
"Let it out."
"I said, no! It's stupid and I won't speak about this any longer," Theo said again.
"Remember when we used to be on vanguard on Captain Rooley's ship? How every night before a big raid you would have to go through every step of the plan with me three times," Xyra reminisced.
"Yes, it was the only way to keep you calm," Theo said.
"That was stupid. I would even freak out over missions that had no risk to them at all but you were there to calm me down every time. No matter how silly or trivial, you were there. Now, let me do that for you. It's been you and me since the beginning, Theo. I know you better than I know myself, let me help you through these things," Xyra was begging and Theo knew it.
It wasn't in a begging tone but Theo knew that Xyra was stressed out over Theo's stress. Theo had to admit that talking the little that she had talked did indeed lift a burden off her shoulders. Talking it through with Xyra wasn't that difficult and the long term benefits outweighed the discomfort of confronting her own emotions.
"I feel like I'm failing everyone by not going after him. For not even trying, " she admitted.
"Who would you be failing?"
"My parents, my crew, everyone Vaith has ever hurt," Theo admitted quietly.
Xyra walked away from her spot beside Theo and opened up a draw on the bottom of her desk. Xyra pulled out a thick book wrapped in leather. She flipped through the pages until she found what she was looking for.
"I've been keeping a ledger of the services we provide through the Scorned Woman. I update them every few cycles if there are significant changes to be recording. I don't tell you about it because you've always said it wasn't about how many people we helped, that even one mattered but I want to show you now," Xyra said walking back over to Theo.
"Xy... This isn't necessary," Theo said. She truly wasn't a number person and she wasn't even sure what the point of all of it was.
"In the four lengths since its operation, the Scorned Woman and its crew have been responsible for transporting over 650 women safely to their destination. These women ranged from victims of violence, unhappy marriages, young runaways, and mothers fleeing with their families. This was all done at no cost to them. A total of 210 women have been a part of your crew throughout time and of those 210, 190 had sent remittances home at some point on board. A total of 36, 569 gold coins have been sent back to local economies as of three cycles ago. There are a total of 92 aboveground and underground brothels operating out of major port cities and you have more than half of them reporting to you. If we say that each brothel averages 30 women then that is over 1,200 women that are under your protection. You're not failing your family or us by turning away from this mission. You'd be failing everyone if you didn't. The world needs this ship. Women need this ship."
Theo was floored. She had nothing to respond to Xyra with. Tears had formed in Theo's eyes hearing what Xyra was reading and she wrapped her arms around Xyra. They hugged for a moment before Theo pulled away.
"Thank you. Truly," Theo said.
She got up from the bed, went to her desk and pulled out the jerky she stored in there. All tension and concerns in the room fled and just as quickly as Theo had opened up she had switched back into carefree Theo. Xyra rolled her eyes but smiled anyway. Progress had been made and Theo looked better already. As quickly as the conversation had come up, it had ended.
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The morning before the raid was a blur. Theo woke up to violent knocking on her door, it was Morgana with an updated list of who she was taking on the vanguard. Theo grabbed the list from Morgana and gave it to Xyra who was on the bed. Theo yawned and stretched out her arms as she walked over to the desk. Xyra rubbed her eyes and sat up in bed blinking to adjust to the light. She began to read the list.
"Wizer's on here," Xyra pointed out.
"You can't take Wizer. She's on cannons with Oceane," Theo said.
"I need Wizer. She knows how to pay attention to commands," Morgana crossed her arms, "Make Jocasta be on cannons."
"Jocasta is with Tuni helping her carry all her medicine," Theo said.
"Tuni can take Ava," Morgana suggested.
"Absolutely not," Xyra said, "We are not putting her in the middle of a fight like that with no training."
"She has training. Plus, she and Tuni would be far enough from the fight that they won't get hurt," Morgana argued, "Their job wouldn't start until after the danger passes."
"And if we fail our attack and they are captured?" Theo asked.
"They die," Xyra answered for Morgana.
"Aye but if we fail the land attack then we fail the mission as a whole and you lot die of starvation anyway. There is death either way but with Wizer with us, there is less of a chance of it going down that road."
Xyra and Morgana both looked over at Theo for a decision. She wanted to shut Morgana down but it wasn't all too bad of an idea. The ship, where Ava would be staying, could potentially be more dangerous than carrying some supplies on land. Plus, Wizer's help would be beneficial and Jocasta could use the training on operating the cannons.
"Ava has to agree. If she doesn't, the vanguard will have to do without Wizer," Theo ruled.
Morgana took her win and walked away, presumably to find Ava. Xyra sat on the edge of the desk and took a deep breath. They both sat in comfortable silence knowing that it would be the last calm moment for a while. It was only a matter of time before the crew would begin waking up and last-minute preparations were made. They planned to have the vanguard on land a few hours before sunset to trek inland to the camp and wait until nightfall. Once nighttime, Xyra would sail the ship to the Southside of the Island and sink the ship that was reportedly in the bay and the vanguard would attack camp before securing the merchandise.
Theo got up and went to her wardrobe to sort through what she was going to wear to the fight. Xyra watched her trying to hold back a sarcastic comment. Theo never wore the same thing twice during a fight and she always made sure she was presentable. She would pick out nice clothes that were expensive knowing they would just have to be thrown out after the fight. Xyra would never understand it but Theo insisted on it. It's either my funeral or theirs and it's only right to dress for the occasion she would say.
Once dressed, Theo and Xyra went over the plan one last time to make sure they had everything under control. Theo went out on the deck while Xyra stayed back. Morgana came to her side to inform her that Ava had enthusiastically accepted to go with Tuni. Theo thanked her and instructed her to go let Jocasta and Wizer know of their new stations. Theo herself went to check up on the rest of the girls in her 'inner circle' to make sure they had the manpower, supplies, and plans ready to go. Everything had to go as close to the plan as possible if they wanted to succeed and Theo was going to make damned sure that everyone had what they needed.
By the time she had a moment to breathe, land was quickly approaching and the vanguard was gearing up to be taken to land. Theo marched to her cabin and put on her Captain's coat, her hat, and grabbed her sword. She walked to her desk and strapped a dagger to her leg. Standing alone in her room she took a second to clear her head. Theo closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and willed herself to be calm. She chased out any stray thoughts out of her head and focused on the mission ahead. Once she was ready she rejoined the crew on the deck.
Morgana looked around to make sure all of the vanguard was ready before calling out that they were ready to board the boats to be rowed to shore. Morgana was the lead on the vanguard. She made sure the women were organized, came up with a strategy and was the point person if things went wrong. On other crews, if the Captain accompanies the vanguard, they became the lead but Theo didn't believe in that method. She knew she could be more helpful as a fighter than leading it and she was so used to giving commands all the time, it was healthy to let someone else do it. Also, Morgana did not have the same responsibility over the crew that Theo did and that allowed her to make riskier moves as well.
Theo waited for everyone to climb over the ship and into the boats before she made her way to the edge too. Xyra was waiting there for her and Theo put her hand on Xyra's shoulder when she got close enough.
"If I don't make it back, ship's yours," Theo said as she did before every dangerous mission.
Xyra simply nodded and put her hand over Theo's, "Careful out there, Captain."