Chapter 8: Visit
CHANMI
"Jihoon, I won't be around," I told Jihoon as soon as I saw him inside the cafe.
He stood up straight and salute. "Yep, no problem."
"Okay, thank you."
I waved at Hanjin who was busy reading his book and now looking at me. After bidding Jihoon goodbye, I finally left the cafe and went to the bus stop.
It will take me four hours to arrive at their house and if I'm fortunate enough this day, it will just take me three and a half hours or less. While on the bus, I started accomplishing my schoolworks. Going back home doesn't mean rest, it's one of the tasks I should accomplish.
I brought out my books and read some of it. I still have tests to take tomorrow and even how they promised today's the last day of the hell weeks, they didn't grant that. I am still frustrated because of these things but I don't let my emotions control me, I won't finish anything if I breakdown.
My phone vibrated from my pocket so I checked it and read the message.
Kim Jungwoo <3
Make yourself feel
better than your
'much better'. You can
do it, Kitty!
5:17 PM
I smiled upon reading the message and checked my bag. It was full of packs of candies we bought last night. After we stayed in the riverside, we bought a lot of candies in which he believe will make me feel better. And I think, he's right about that.
When he gave me those gummy candies last night, I felt better. Maybe sweets have the ability to make us feel better when we are down. Some people choose to eat chocolates to relieve their stress, some eat candies to avoid being anxious and some eat cakes in order to feel happy.
I took a pack of those candies and opened it. I need to relieve my stress before I would feel crying. No one's with me so no one will comfort me and worst of all, I'll look stupid crying alone inside a bus.
When I arrived at our place, I received a call from Jungwoo which I immediately accepted. I was anxious while getting off the bus but now, I'm smiling while the phone is on my ear.
"How's there?" he asked, his voice isn't that serious nor excited. Just the usual tone of his voice.
"I'm not yet in our house but just a few steps, I'll be there," I replied and looked around me.
There are lots of things that changed here while I was away. There are some shops that wasn't familiar to me and some of the places where I used to grow up with, wasn't here anymore.
"How are you feeling?" His voice was full of worry.
"Hmm, good. No need to worry," I answered and drew a deep sigh as I saw our house, a few step away from me. "I'm here."
"I'll hang up the call, make yourself feel—"
"Better than my 'much better'," I ended his statement instead. "Yep, I'll always remember that. Thank you."
"Yeah, bye." After I bade him goodbye, I hang up the call and knock on the door.
After a few knocks, it swung open and my mother welcomed me, without the sweetness every mother would show as soon as their children got back home. She let me in and for the nth time, I felt like a visitor in our own house. I know I am accepted but it feels that I am not part of the family inside this house.
"Why did you came late?" she asked me after she told me to sit. I didn't took a seat when I got inside, I let her offer me the seat because as I have said before, it feels like I am a visitor.
"Thank you for welcoming me," I replied, very far from her question, before I stood up after less than a minute of sitting. "Where can I find Chanhi?"
Her eyes pierced through me, her nerves pulsating. Maybe she wasn't aware that she took care of a monster, no, she didn't took care of me, she turned me into one. I just met her gaze, waiting for her answer until she gave up and looked away before giving me the name of the hospital.
"I am not sure if I'm going back here," I told her while standing in front of the door. "I don't think I'm welcome. Thank you."
I didn't bother to say goodbye and to call her mother, I don't think she'll like it. I took a cab and waited for half an hour to arrive at the hospital where my brother was admitted. I don't know who's with him right now, considering that our mother is at our house.
While silently sitting at the back, I remembered where and when everything started.
14 years ago...
THIRD PERSON
Chanmi was busy facing her books. As soon as she woke up, she faced her books after doing her morning routine. There are notebooks and papers on the floor of her bedroom. This is the usual set up of her bedroom and no one should clean it nor touch it because she doesn't want to.
But everytime she needs to leave her bedroom, she makes sure that her things were on their right places. She hides the papers properly so her parents, even her brother won't see those.
It's Saturday today but she woke up early as usual just to start studying even she could just rest instead. She's young to pressure herself in studying and a sixteen-year old girl like her shouldn't be locking herself inside her bedroom to only study, she also needs to enjoy her teenage years.
She left her room only to eat her breakfast and clean up the table then she'll go back inside her room to continue what she's doing. While studying, she glanced at the window just in front of her. She saw her brother playing with their father with his new toy. Even his brother is 15 years old, he still wants to play.
She was close to her brother when they were younger but their parents were the reason why she decided to build a wall between them, parting them apart. Everyone loves how they were close enough to each other and usually mistook them of being twins.
Chanmi drew a long sigh after throwing a crumpled paper on the floor. She can't draw the perfect heart and it makes her annoyed. Her papers were all over the floor and some were on her bed. She can't just say she's tired, but she really is. She was so young when she locked herself inside her room just to drown herself in studying.
She bonds with her books, plays with her pen, wanders around her room but most of all, escapes her reality through reading. When she was there, with her family, she felt that it was wrong to waste her time instead of studying. She was eight when she knew something was wrong.
Her brother makes their parents proud, he is smarter than her. She disappoints them but even how much she tried to make herself understand that she wasn't loved the way they love her brother because of the disappointments she brings to her parents, she can't still dig deeper into the real reason. She knows that reason wasn't valid.
Her room is smaller compared to Chanhi's, her things are older than her brother's. He always have new sets of school uniform every school year while she settles herself with her old school uniform. She knows that if she tried asking them something, even if she knelt down in front of them or cried a bucket of tears or blood, she won't still get what she wants but as for her brother, he gets what he wants in a snap even how hard it is to get.
Even she stops herself from building jealousy towards her brother and planting resentment towards her parents, they give her the reason to make it bigger and firm. She tried shoving it away but as days go by, it just came back twice or more than what it was before.
She doesn't know how to make herself understand the problem because how can she understand it if no one explained her this complicated thing? She's the older one so she needs to understand how things are going on and to avoid herself building a taller wall of jealousy inside her towards her brother, she chose to distance herself at him and study harder to show them that she can be like her brother.
She almost jump out of surprise when the door of her room opened, her mother roaring after slamming it. Her mind panicked after seeing her mother standing at the doorway and her papers were all over her place.
"You are locking yourself inside your room again, why aren't you helping me?" Her voice filled the four corners of the small room of Chanmi. "Your room is messy!"
She marched in and picked up the papers, not minding if she'll crumple or tear it. Chanmi's eyes were widened while looking at how her mother carelessly picking up the papers she treated as treasure.
"I hate seeing your room like thi—" her mother stopped speaking when her eyes scanned the papers. "What are these Chanmi?"
Chanmi's eyes welled up with tears as she stared at her mother's raging face. Her mother showed her the papers she was holding, it was full of notes about human anatomy that Chanmi herself wrote and drew.
"I-it's for the n-notes for our lesson," Chanmi spoke between her sobs.
"Are you sure?" Her mother yelled. She crumpled the papers and threw it inside the bin. "You will never pursue that, Chanmi!"
Her mother marched out of her room, leaving her daughter sobbing. Chanmi immediately ran towards the trash bin and picked up the papers her mother threw. Those are the notes she was writing for years now and in just a blink of an eye when it was almost gone from her.
She hugged the crumpled papers and cried her heart out. It helped her comforting herself when no one does and now they tried getting it from her?
She calmed herself down, fixing the papers that was crumpled. She tried putting it back on its best state but no one can uncrumple a paper perfectly. She just kept it even it wasn't that good like before. Her body felt tired after crying, her eyes gave up from reading as well as her mind which is tired of thinking.
Her body fell on her soft bed as she stared at the ceiling. A smile escaped her shivering pale lips, a bitter smile. Tears continuously flowing from her eyes but she wasn't sobbing, she was just crying, her mind wasn't thinking about anything, it was completely empty but surely her heart screams causing her to cry.
It was late afternoon when she decided to start reading again. After eating, that was what she did. But before she could even open her book, her mother called her with her raging voice. Chanmi's hearts started beating hysterically after hearing her mother's voice calling her name. Her feet took the way towards the staircase and climbed down towards where her mother is standing with her hands on her waist.
"Yes, mother?" she asked, lowering her voice that it became a whisper.
"Your father wants to talk to you," she replied.
Chanmi knows it wasn't good. She seldom talks to her father and they usually talk about something she knows she wouldn't like. He'll scold her or tell her how better her brother is than her. Every steps she takes felt heavy, something's pulling her back.
Her brother was standing in front of their father, his head lowered down. Something was wrong base on the atmosphere and she's fully aware she won't like being there. Standing in front of his father halts her breath, she feels strangled and drowned.
"This is your fault," her father yelled at her. She lifted up her head to look at her father, puzzled.
Why did it became her fault? As far as she knows, she hasn't done anything.
"Father, I can't follow," she whispered while trying not to meet her father's eyes.
"If you have been a good sister to your brother, this wouldn't happen!" He started pointing his finger on her and often hit her forehead using his forefinger.
"But I didn't do anything against him," she answered, trying her best not to raise her voice.
"Exactly! You didn't do anything to be a good sister to him. If you have been clever enough and knew that if you were always spending your time with him, he wouldn't seek attention with others."
"Clarify the situation to me please!" she cried.
"His teacher asked your mother to go to his school because your brother was caught drinking alcoholic drinks with his classmates and usually cutting classes to play computer games!"
"And I am the one to be blamed?" she asked her father, jerking her thumb at herself.
"Yes! He wouldn't be like that if you were there to guide him!"
"You didn't even guided me but I've never been like that! I never spend my allowance for my own satisfaction just like what my smart brother did!"
"And you're blaming your parents?" her father asked in surprise.
"No, I'm blaming myself for being stupid!" she answered.
Instead of stopping the two, Chanhi tried defending himself and putting the blame on his sister in the process. He thought it will make things better and it did, for his own good. He made his name clean but it still didn't turned good.
His father started gasping for air, his hand clasping his chest. It was too late to realize what he have done. Chanmi ran towards her father, crying and shouting for help but everything was too late.
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