» When you can't look on the bright side, I will sit with you in the dark. «
「 Lesson #4: Acknowledge your head and your heart 」
Dedicated to: jenzieglandos , withloveviolet & promisejvo <3
A/N ~ I hope you enjoy this chapter, I drew a couple parallels & added some context for you all. Please comment throughout, I couldn't believe last chapter got over 500 comments and it made me so happy, I love you allllll
I will post again when this reaches 115 votes + comments!
POV: Johnny Orlando
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I couldn't explain how weird it was to be back in my childhood town again. Subconsciously, I recognized everything and everything; the park where I had my first kiss, the restaurant I used to work at, the river where I used to swim with my friends. Memories danced on the back of my eyelids like a kaleidoscope; the festival I used to take Kenzie to, the bridge Hayden and I would jump off in the summertime, and the diner my family used to eat at all the time. Reminiscing, I walked through town, in search of the real estate agents.
Even though suddenly finding out I had a daughter and a son had initially been a shock to the system, I was incredibly grateful. When my deployment had ended, I didn't know what direction my life was going; apart from the fact that I had a plane ticket here to keep my promise with Kenzie. I didn't have a purpose, but now I did and it was to be the coolest Dad in the entire world. And if I'm completely honest with myself, I'm just glad I still have a link with her.
It was weird seeing Mackenzie again– her being brought me a sense of familiarity and comfort, but at the same time I also felt like I was dousing myself in ice cold water. Her mannerisms were the same, but her clothing was different, and she wasn't constantly dressed up to the nines nowadays. It was a bit of a surprise seeing her let her hair down, and wearing clothes because of their comfort rather than their stylishness. When we were young image was a huge part of her head space and she liked to look pretty and dressed up.
Now she was simple, and I really couldn't lie; loved it more than I thought I would. There was something about it that was so motherly, and warm, that made me want to hold her hand and hug her tight, or kiss her forehead and brush her hair out of her eyes. It spoke of selflessness, in the way that she had brushed aside her own concerns and instead turned to loving our kids.
Her changes, however, made me remember about the time we spent apart.
I shook her out of my head for what must have been the millionth time that day and kept on walking. Upon reaching the main street, I ducked into the real estate agents, and with some help, I pored over potential properties that were up for rent. I eventually decided on a couple I liked, and I was driven around for the rest of the morning, looking at them all.
It was a long morning, but I eventually chose a sunny, three bedroom apartment a couple streets away from Kenzie's house and the kids school. It was a no-brainer, really, once I saw the place. It was a little bit drab, but would be easily fixed in a few months if I put my head down and did some renovations, and would definitely look better with furniture. I would have to call my Mom for some decorating advice, I knew.
For the rest of the late afternoon I pottered around town, organizing bits and bobs for my new life here. I picked out a rental car, and loaded it up with groceries. After that I went to the hardware store and brought some basic furniture I could put together myself. I bought myself some wifi, sorted out a phone plan, and not being able to help myself, I searched for some presents for the twins– a plane lego set for Max that we could do together, and a couple of headbands I knew Brea could wear to ballet. It wasn't much, but it was the least I could do.
After spending more money than I ever had, I then headed to what I would now call home.
I unloaded my car and packed away all my groceries, grateful for the fridge and microwave as I quickly put together a dinner. Next up I set up some shelving units, a bedside table and a coffee table. When I knew my mother would be done work, I dialed her number and called her. She knew about me coming here, but in no way shape or form did she know that I was now, and had always been, a father of two.
"Hello?" She answered after a couple of rings.
"Hey, Mom. How are you?" I asked, glad to hear her voice again. I leant back against the counter and let out a deep breath.
"Good, good," She replied, "Busy day. You?"
"Well," I chuckled, "I've had quite the day myself. And I... have some news for you."
"Yeah?" She asked. I could almost hear the smile in her voice, and I hated that it was about to disappear.
"Um... You're a Grandma. Nana. Whatever you want to call it." I managed to get out.
It was silent.
"Sorry?" She finally questioned, "Did I just hear you right?"
I winced. "Yeah... you did."
"How?" The confusion in her tone was easily heard.
"When Kenzie and I were young... before I left, and after you moved away with the family... well, Mackenzie had twins. And they're both mine. Therefore... it makes you a Grandma."
"Oh, John." I heard her exhale, the shock slipping in. "Really?"
"Really." My throat was thick. "They're both five. A boy and a girl. Brea Madison and Max Vincent."
"Jesus Christ, J." She sounded like she was going to burst into tears.
"There's more." I warned her.
She laughed doubtfully. "How could there possibly be more?"
I took in a deep breath. "Mackenzie lives with Hayden. And... they're engaged."
"No fucking way," She cursed angrily, "That snake!"
I laughed properly for the first time in a long time. Finally, someone that understood how terrible this was for me.
"He's not..." I searched for the words, gritting my teeth, "Treating our kids right. I can just tell. And it makes me really, really mad."
"And upset," She concluded.
I swallowed. "Yeah... that too."
"So– what are you going to do?"
"I've organised a place I'm going to rent for the next couple months. My kids, they're gorgeous, and I can't leave them. I love them too much already, which I don't even understand. I want to be in their lives, Mom."
"As you should," She said gently, "I'm proud of you for that."
"It's what any decent man should do."
"I know, honey, I know." She blew out a breath.
"Can you... Can you come stay for a bit? You and Dad? I need help around the house, and I know you'd want to meet them–"
"I'll book a flight right away," She interrupted, "Your father and I need a break from working anyway. The company is always telling us to disappear." I could tell she was smiling, excited at the prospect of coming back and seeing me again.
"Thank you, Mom." I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding. For me, asking for help was always hard.
"No problem, J. I'll help you decorate the place too. Make it child friendly. It'll be great."
"I knew you would say that." I genuinely smiled.
She laughed. "Alright, I've got to go, dinners boiling over. But I'll talk to your Father about this, and send you through flight details after. If you can pick us up from the airport, that would be great."
"Yeah I can do that," I replied, "I have a rental car for a bit."
"Perfect. Take care, love. Promise."
"I promise, Mom," I rolled my eyes at her antics, "Message me later."
"Will do. Bye bye, J, Love you."
"Love you too, bye." I replied, and pulling my phone from my ear, I hung up.
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POV: Mackenzie Ziegler
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Despite me being woken up at seven AM by two extremely enthusiastic five year olds, my morning was very bright and cheerful compared to normal. Hayden had already left (Sunday was golf with the boys day) and I had the bed to myself.
The kids had a boundless energy that I knew could only be cured by exercise, so after a quick Saturday morning breakfast of toast and hot chocolates, we braved the cold for a bike. I ran next to the kids as they pedaled, something we had taken to doing a couple years ago and never looked back. Sometimes, running in the cold with the kids by my side was my only way of clearing my mind of absolutely everything.
The rest of our day was very, very eventful. After our bike I whipped both kids through the shower so they were nice and fresh, and dressed them in their painting clothes. We spent most of the morning at the table acting like artists; me painting some elaborate flowers, Max painting some shapes that slightly resembled machinery, and Brea painting our family and friends, complete with Johnny included. Both kids stated that their art was for Johnny, which made me smile. They were smart, kind kids and it made me very proud.
For lunch I made pasta, and the afternoon was dedicated to reading and quiet time before we decided to bake some gingerbread men. Brea made me laugh as we iced them, making up stories about each individual biscuit. Max chipped in with his dry sense of humor, commenting random things that made me snort.
When five o clock rolled around and Hayden came home, I was relieved that the kids headed outside to play on their own, running around in the garden and pushing each other on the swingset.
I kissed the side of Hayden's cheek briskly as he walked in the living room. His cheek was rough with stubble.
"Hey," I greeted, "Good day?"
He shrugged, wrinkling his nose.
"It was okay. You?"
"Good...." I trailed off, "I was wondering if you could be on dinner duty. I know you've been out all day, but I'd really like to go see my Mom. I just... wanna talk to her about some stuff."
He dumped his bags down and thought about my offer. I knew he wouldn't be able to say no; I missed my Mom a lot these days.
"Will you get her flowers?"
I blinked in surprise. "Yeah, why?"
"Get me a case of beer while you're at it and you can go."
I sighed, chuckling. "Thanks."
"I'll get dinner on. Maybe pizza, I'm thinking. You should go before it gets dark!" He yelled over his shoulder as he headed to our room.
Swiping my keys off the counter, I headed to the backyard to say goodbye to the kids. The night was calm, the birds chattering and crickets chirping. The sun was slipping down, but Hayden was right– I needed to hurry so I could get back before dark. Mom's wouldn't be a nice place to be at that time of night.
"Where are you going, Momma?" Was the first thing that Brea said upon hearing the keys in my hand jingle. They had stopped rolling around in the grass together and were looking expectantly up at me.
"I'm going to go visit Granma. You two are staying here though, and Hay will fix you up some pizza for dinner." I told them gently.
Max looked up at me with worried eyes. "I don't want pineapple on my pizza."
I winced, thinking back to the last time we had had pizza where Hayden had forced him to eat it on his, drawing furious complaints from little Max who barely ever complained about anything. Little did we know at the time, he had a pineapple allergy; his throat had started closing over and his stomach was making him feel like he was going to vomit. It was an eventful night, going from annoying to serious in a span of minutes.
"I promise you, Max, he won't make you. It would make you sick, and nobody wants that. You can just have ham and cheese." I said gently, kissing his forehead and ruffling his hair.
"Pinky promise?" He demanded.
"Pinky promise." I confirmed, shaking his pinky with my own and then straightening up. I hugged both of them close, bidding them goodbye, and told them to go help Hayden in the kitchen. They ran away together, and I smiled at their cuteness before hopping in the car.
The car ride was pleasant; there were hardly other cars on the road at this time of night and I got to chose my favourite radio station, which played gentle, ambient tunes. As always, I picked up some pink tulips from our local florist (her favourite) and was then on my way again. The drive wasn't that far, but the first couple times I had visited it felt like forever, the drive stretching out and taking up so much time because of the dread-like feeling that tended to invade my senses.
A couple of minutes later I pulled up in the car park and hopped out onto the gravel, unwrapping the tulips from their plastic and placing it gently in the bin on my way to see her. The streetlights lit my way, as the sun had fallen just below the mountains, colouring the sky a magnificent ombre; from gold to scarlet to a pale pink and purpely-blue. The clouds dotted along the horizon made it very picturesque, and the crescent moon provided just as much light as the street lights did. I estimated I had about twenty minutes before it was completely dark.
So after taking in the scenery, I picked my way across the path beside the various headstones and stopped when I reached her, laying out the tulips on her grave.
I sat cross-legged, blinking delicately, and drew a deep breath.
"Hey, Mom," My voice was a little emotional, and I cleared my throat before I spoke again. "I miss you. I always say that... but just so you know, I do."
"A lot has happened, since I came here last. Brea started dance again... and Max is growing everyday. Hayden's been really busy with work and his mates... and Johnny came back from his deployment. Which really threw me for a loop, because I really wasn't expecting it."
"I'm really glad he's back though, you know?" I sniffed, and wiped my nose on my sleeve.
"I missed him much more than I would ever admit to anyone alive. And the kids need him. Max especially. I try not to let it bother me, but he's really struggling to make friends. And I think that's partly because his self-esteem is in tatters, for a five year old. I don't know how, but he knows he's different. And Johnny will help with that, I just know he will."
"And I try to deny him, but Johnny being around could really help us out... financially. I mean, we can't afford this wedding, and all Breas dance classes, and I mean they're starting school this year, and they're growing out of their clothes so fast, and I'm trying not to stress but it's really hard not to." I blew out a deep breath, and as I always did at least once on my visit, I burst into tears.
"I'm really scared, Mom," I cried, and it all came pouring out of me.
"Because before Johnny came along it was really easy for me to pretend that Hayden and I were fine, but when I see what he sees, I'm so embarrassed, because I'm not in love with Hayden. I love him, but I'm not in love with him. And I thought that that was enough, but now I'm not so sure. It's just... deep down I have this sadness, and I keep trying and trying to push it away, but it won't go. And if I'm really honest with myself I know that Hayden can't cure me of that, because he never made me feel as happy as John did. And Johnny will realize that I'm sad and struggling because he's just empathetic like that, and then he'll get angry at Hayden because I'm pretty sure he's in love with me still but I can't fucking tell because he's always so guarded around me now and it's just... a big mess. And I'm really scared for what's going to happen. Scared that Hayden and I's wedding might not go ahead... but more scared of the thought that it will."
I stared straight ahead at the flowers and blinked until my tears disappeared and my breathing was normal.
"I wish you were here, Mom. You'd tell me what to do. Or give some perfect corny advice, like just follow your heart, sweetie," I smiled wistfully and picked at the ground. "I could really do with a Mom right now. I'm only twenty-three, and I feel like I should be at least ten years older than that, given how stressed I am."
I sighed. "But it's okay. I'll just focus on being a Mom myself. I guess... everything will work itself out, in time."
I didn't spend that much longer there that night, even though it wasn't dark. Horrified with the loss of control over my emotions, I got back into my car and turned on the heater, thoughts running through my head at a million miles per hour. I rang Maddie; my determined, caring, hard-assed older sister, and almost begged her to come down for a weekend or two. I told her everything, and she set about giving me a ton of advice as I drove home. She lifted me up, and helped me find that persevering part in my soul that would get me through this chapter of my life.
I will be okay, I told myself as I walked back in through the front door.
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AUTHORS NOTE
Bro okay so a rant real quick:
Everyone keeps commenting in my chapters that my writing makes their standards so high. But lemme just let you in on some shit: That. Is. What. You. Deserve. Every fucking guy you date should adore you so much they practically worship the ground you walk on. Repeat after me ladies: "I will not settle for someone who simply likes me, I want the type of love that makes me feel like I'm burning from the inside out." Don't you dare date someone just for the sake of it. You are a fucking boss bitch and no guy can ever take that away from you. When you find a boyfriend, make sure he isn't full of shit and that he loves you so fucking much. Because just in case someone in your life hasn't told you, YOU DESERVE IT!!! Thank you for coming to my ted talk. x
QUESTION OF THE CHAPTER
Going with the relationship theme,
Q) What are your turn ons and turn offs in a relationship?
A) My turn ons are kindness, empathy, compassion, good communication skills, honesty and having the same sense of humour as me. My turn offs are being egotistical, extremely loud and attention seeking.
Pro tip: Make sure you know what you want when you start a relationship. Make a mental checklist that you want your ideal future boyfriend to be and if he doesn't embody the qualities you value, say cya sis!!
LOTS OF LOVE
Hope you're all doing well and taking it easy at the moment. Stay home loves, and break the chain <3
– Trinity xoxo