Songs for this chapter:
• One Last Time - Ariana Grande
• Never Be Alone - Shawn Mendes
Chapter Seventy-One:
Lexi's POV
"Fuck. I want you so badly. I want to rip this dress to shreds," Bryce murmurs against my ear as he slams the door to his apartment shut.
He's still holding me in his arms even as he turns the lock on the door and kicks off his shoes. He's been carrying me ever since we got out of his car in his building's parking garage, and he hasn't put me down for a moment, even as we walked through the apartment lobby, took the elevator up to his floor, and walked down the hallway to his apartment.
"I want you too. In bed, though. Not against the door," I reply, my voice shockingly breathy.
I tighten my legs around Bryce's waist as he chuckles and drops his keys carelessly onto the counter as he carries me through the apartment and towards his bedroom.
Well, it used to be our bedroom, but not anymore.
Once we enter the bedroom, Bryce heads straight to the centre of the room where he drops me unceremoniously onto the bed. Immediately, he leans down and presses his mouth against mine for a desperate, passionate kiss.
Bryce and I didn't stay at the club for very long after we ran into Knox, Nathan, Kennedy, and Jane. We had a quick conversation with the four of them before Knox was able to take the hint that Bryce and I were desperate for some alone time and instructed that everybody leave us alone.
We danced for a little bit. Dirty dancing. Like, grinding. Lots and lots of grinding and skin against skin and lips against lips. Bryce's hands even dipped down the front of my dress at one point in time even though he was well aware that I haven't been wearing a bra all night.
The feeling of his rough hands against my bare chest while we were in public made me so flustered that I nearly collapsed into his arms, while the much less rational part of my brain encouraged me to pull my dress up past my hips and bend over for him right then and there.
We kissed a lot too. Hard, desperate kisses where our teeth clashed and his taste was in my mouth and his scent overwhelmed me.
And then we left, still clinging to each other tightly as we made our way towards Bryce's car. Once actually in the car, we still didn't want to part, and so Bryce kept one of his hands on my thigh the entire time, squeezing possessively.
But now? We're in his bedroom, and I'm sitting on his bed and he's standing in front of me, kissing me and touching me as though no time has passed at all since the last time we were together this way.
I feel needy and reckless and so my fingers find the bottom hem of Bryce's shirt even as he's still kissing me. I desperately try to pull the shirt up over his head, but I obviously don't get very far as Bryce's hands are holding my face and he's hunched over, kissing me.
I let out a pathetic whine of frustration, tugging on Bryce's shirt in annoyance. When he understands what I'm doing, he chuckles and pulls away from me just long enough to pull his shirt off and drop it onto the floor before he's kissing me again.
Finally. Now my hands can freely roam his back and his chest and his abs, and I nearly whimper at how smooth his skin is, how hard and defined his abdomen is and how broad and sculpted his shoulders are.
"Put your arms up. I need this dress off of you now, or else I seriously may end up ripping it in half," Bryce says against my lips, his voice a low growl.
I whimper again before lifting my arms over my head, standing up from the bed for Bryce. He doesn't waste a second before he's peeling my dress up and off my body, then dropping it onto the floor next to his shirt.
He immediately tackles me back onto the bed. The weight of his huge body above mine is almost suffocating, but in the very best way possible, as he nips at my chest hungrily.
I moan, shamelessly. His mouth feels so good on my body and I just missed this so much.
I want his mouth somewhere else, somewhere lower, somewhere that's aching for him so badly it's painful.
I reach down for Bryce's belt, unbuckling it and pulling it free from the loops of his pants. The belt ends up on the floor immediately, and then, I unbutton and unzip his pants before desperately trying to yank them down.
When I'm unsuccessful, Bryce pulls his pants off for me. Once again, they find their way to the floor, and before my brain is able to comprehend what's happening, the black boxer briefs that Bryce had just been wearing only a moment ago are on the floor as well.
I can't help myself: I look right down at what's just been revealed to me and I gasp, suddenly blind with need.
"Can I touch you? Pretty please? I need to touch you," I beg, reaching out to touch him before he even has the chance to answer.
Bryce looks down at my hand with a strangled groan. "Fuck. Yes."
Bryce reaches to take my heels off of my feet for me before he begins rocking his hips, using my hand for his own pleasure. I look up at him in wonder until he catches me staring, groans, and guides his mouth to mine for a brief, searing kiss.
Bryce suddenly pulls my hand away from him before he lifts me up by the waist, laying me down so that my head is resting on one of the many pillows on his ginormous bed. I stare up at him with wide eyes, blinking a few times, as though I'm scared that this is all a dream and I'm simply going to wake up alone in my bed at Juilliard any moment now.
"I'm real, baby girl. I'm real and I'm here with you, right now. You aren't dreaming," Bryce murmurs against my ear, as though he can read my mind.
My hands find his shoulders and I gasp as his mouth seeks out my neck. His lips press against the left side of my throat before he begins to suck gently on my skin, hard enough to leave a mark.
I don't stop him.
I reach down to try and tug my underwear down my legs. I need Bryce now, in the most intimate way possible, in a way that I'll only ever want Bryce.
Before I get far, Bryce's fingers curl around my wrists and he holds my hands in place where they're hovering just above my hips.
He pulls his face away from my neck and his eyes meet mine. A shiver runs down my spine at the pure and utter desire shining in his eyes.
"Not yet. We need to talk first before we do something stupid. I want to be inside of you so fucking badly, but we've got to have a serious conversation first," Bryce says lowly, his eyes boring into mine.
I blink at him, watching as he takes a seat next to me on the bed. I feel frustration begin to creep up on me, not necessarily frustration at Bryce but rather at the fact that I could've been experiencing these feelings every night for the past two months, but instead, I fall asleep alone at night.
I sit up slightly too, crossing my arms against my chest subconsciously, to hide myself from Bryce. All I'm wearing now is jewelry and a tiny pair of black underwear that can barely even be considered underwear, but it's the only pair I could wear underneath my dress that wouldn't show lines.
And Bryce is naked, sitting right beside me.
Well, actually, that isn't entirely true because he's still wearing a pair of white socks. We both seem to become aware of this fact at the exact same time, because with a sheepish smile, Bryce pulls his socks off and tosses them somewhere in the room. I think one of them ends up landing on top of the TV.
When he turns back to me, his smile has already diminished into a much more somber look.
His sudden change of mood worries me. Just a minute ago he was talking about how badly he needs me, but now he's sitting next to me, naked, and he doesn't even seem to want to touch me.
I blink at him again. "What's the matter? Did I do something wrong? I'm sorry if I'm acting too reckless. I just want you really badly."
Bryce chuckles, but it sounds forced. "You didn't do anything wrong. I just . . ." A pause. "I don't have any condoms."
That's what he's worried about?
Since this was obviously not what I had anticipated Bryce saying, I remain silent for a few moments long, slightly speechless.
Then, quietly, I say, "That's okay. We don't need to use a condom."
Bryce laughs again, and by some miracle, it sounds even more forced than the last time. "If we're not going to use a condom, then we really need to have this conversation."
My eyebrows furrow. I have no freaking clue what he's talking about right now.
"Bryce? I'm confused. What conversation?" I ask carefully.
Bryce stares at me, silently, for a moment. I can tell that he's tense, and so I watch as he rolls his shoulders back before responding by saying, "I don't want to have this conversation as I'm afraid that it may drive me mad, but I just need to know whether or not you've used a condom with every man you've had sex with since we broke up."
My eyebrows fly up my forehead.
I was expecting him to say this even less.
"You think I've had sex with a lot of other men over the past two months?" I ask cautiously.
Bryce closes his eyes, letting out an agitated huff. "Please just answer the question. I don't want to hear numbers or details. I'm afraid that it may make me cry."
My heart breaks a little bit at the pure and utter sorrow on Bryce's face right now.
I reach up with one of my hands, resting it against Bryce's jaw. "I haven't had sex since we broke up. You're still the only person I've ever done anything with at all, Bryce."
Bryce's eyes flutter open to reveal tears collecting in his tear ducts.
"Really?" he asks incredulously.
I nod at him, but then am hit with a wave of sadness when I realise that the reason he must've been asking me about using condoms is because he's been having sex, and therefore he assumed that I had moved on as well.
My voice shakes when I ask, "Have you been using condoms every time you've had sex?"
Bryce blinks several times before realisation seems to dawn on him. He then replies by saying, "Fuck, Blossom. I haven't had sex either. I would never do that to you. I know it would break your heart to see me again and have me tell you that I've been with several women since our breakup not too long ago."
All I feel for a moment is relief.
And then, an overwhelming urge to jump on top of Bryce.
My other hand reaches for his face and I pull him towards me, kissing him hard. "Then there's no problem. What are you waiting for?"
The look on Bryce's face makes me drop my hands.
"Are you still on birth control?" he asks abruptly.
Every single inch of my body tenses, and I faintly become aware of the fact that I'm suddenly shaking and quivering all over.
I instinctually look down at my flat stomach, and I have to swallow hard to try and get rid of the sudden lump in my throat.
Just hearing Bryce say those simple words has filled me with an agony so acute that I want to curl up into a ball and sob.
I can't meet Bryce's eyes, and I don't really think before I say, "Yeah. But it doesn't really matter, anyway."
I still don't meet Bryce's gaze for several moments, but when I do, I'm stunned by how he simultaneously looks saddened and . . . mad?
"Of course it matters, Blossom. You can't get pregnant at eighteen. Especially not when you're living in a university dorm room, and you and the baby daddy aren't even in a relationship," Bryce says sharply.
Too sharply.
So sharply that I almost start to cry, but thankfully, I'm able to blink back my tears for now.
I shouldn't have said that. It's been a month since I found out, and so I should be able to keep my feelings in check by now.
Alas, here I am, nearly naked in Bryce's bed, and having this conversation with him even though last month, I promised myself that I just wouldn't ever tell him.
"Forget I said that. Yes, I'm still on birth control. We don't need to continue this conversation any longer," I say abruptly, giving Bryce a look that is hopefully able to communicate that I truly am done with this conversation.
He either doesn't take the hint or chooses to ignore it though, because before I know it, he's saying, "What the fuck are you talking about, Blossom? Something's clearly wrong. You need to tell me, or we need to get dressed right now."
He sounds so angry that I have to force myself to look away from him so that he can't notice the tears welling up in my eyes again.
"I'm serious, Bryce. It's nothing. Don't worry about it," I mutter, toying anxiously with the charms of my charm bracelet as a distraction.
"I'm serious too. Do you want to get pregnant? Do you think that if you get pregnant, it'll mean we have to get back together?" Bryce asks harshly.
At the thought of me getting pregnant, the first tear slides down my cheek, immediately followed by several others.
"No. Of course not. Just shut up, Bryce. You're hurting my feelings and you don't even know it," I whisper, my heart shattering inside my chest.
I'm still not looking at him, yet I can still feel Bryce's eye narrow at me. "Well if you don't want to get pregnant and we don't have a condom to use, then you need to be on birth control. Of course it fucking matters, Blossom."
If you don't want to get pregnant.
If you don't want to get pregnant.
If you don't want to get pregnant.
If you don't want to get pregnant.
If you don't want to get pregnant.
I whimper.
And then, not giving my brain even a moment to process what I'm about to say before I say it, I begin to speak.
"No. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because I can't get pregnant. Ever. I have a condition that makes me infertile. I found out about it last month when I went to a new doctor for a checkup, just to make sure that the birth control implant in my arm was working fine. She didn't realise that I didn't know about the condition, so she brought it up casually and I was stunned," I whisper.
For a moment, my mind is blank.
For some reason, saying the words aloud just made it all truly feel real.
Bryce is suddenly reaching out towards me to pull me into his arms but I'm already curled up into a ball, sobbing. I haven't told anyone since I found out, not even my parents, who must already know and had just been keeping this a secret from me all my life to avoid hurting my feelings.
Because I've curled up into a defensive ball, somehow hoping to protect my broken heart, I can't stop Bryce as he lifts me up into his lap and holds me to his chest, tucking my head under his chin.
He doesn't say anything. He just strokes my back and holds me tight, as though he knows that this is all that he can give me.
I think he knows that this has broken me beyond repair.
Bryce's POV
I know that she's mourning, and that as an eighteen-year-old woman, it must be heartbreaking to learn that you'll never be able to get pregnant, that you no longer even have the option to one day carry a child.
Her whole body is shaking and she's crying so, so hard. It doesn't seem like she ever plans on unfurling from the protective ball that she's curled herself into, and I don't think it would be fair if I tried to force her to.
"I'm so sorry, Blossom. I'm so, so fucking sorry," I say quietly, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.
She shakes her head against my chest, and for a moment, she just begins to sob even harder.
I give her a few moments to calm down, and even though she hasn't stopped crying, she's soon able to steady her breathing enough to say, "It isn't your fault. The news was just so unexpected."
I kiss her head again as she wipes furiously at her eyes, as though she'll possibly be able to dry up all of her tears this way.
I think back to when I lost my shit when we thought she might be pregnant. Sure, it was because I was scared that if Blossom was pregnant she would end up like Brittany, but now, knowing that Blossom never will be able to get pregnant?
My heart is broken for her.
"At least you didn't want to have children anyway, right? We should be thankful for that," I say softly, brushing a strand of hair that had fallen loose from her braid back behind her ears.
For some reason, Blossom falls completely silent for a moment.
I hold my breath.
And then? Blossom begins to sob so hard that she begins choking, her tears a relentless waterfall down her cheeks.
"That's what I thought. My whole life, I always thought that I would never want to be a mother. I don't think I even considered ever having children of my own. But now? Now that the option had been completely taken away from me? I realised that I've been lying to myself this whole time. Now I realise that I want to be a mother so badly.
"I want to get married and have kids and now I'm not going to be able to have that. I'm never going to hold a positive pregnancy test in my hand, and I'm never going to be able to anxiously wait for my husband to come home so that I can show him the positive test. One doctor's appointment, and everything is ruined," she sobs, shaking in my arms.
Somehow, my heart shatters into even tinier fragments.
I should've just kept my fucking mouth shut. I thought that by pointing out the fact that she doesn't even want kids, I was being helpful, but instead I just made her even more upset.
"Fuck, Blossom. I shouldn't have said that. I'm so sorry. Even if you can't get pregnant, there are other ways to have kids, you know. You could always adopt, or you could use a surrogate. You can still be a mother. This isn't going to take that away from you," I tell her softly, hoping that this will actually be reassuring to her.
She whimpers, and finally, she uncurls from the ball that she's in just enough to look up into my eyes.
"Every night since I found out, I've had the same dream," Blossom whispers, maintaining eye contact. "I dream of two little boys, probably three or four years old, with amber eyes and messy, dark brown hair. I'm kneeling down on the floor of Leo's kitchen and I'm hugging them both to my chest. They call me Mom and they tell me that they love me, but before I know it, you walk into the kitchen wearing a dress shirt and dress pants and they run into your arms, excited to see their dad, and you pick them up and swing them around. When you set them back down on the floor you walk towards me, and you pick me up and twirl me around, and you call me Mrs. Bradshaw and you tell me that you love and that I'm the best mom and the best wife in the whole entire world."
My own dream, the dream where Blossom and I were married and had twin boys, immediately pops into my head.
"I had a dream like that once too," I confess quietly.
Blossom blinks away a new round of tears. "Really? Well, it's not going to happen because we broke up and I will probably never be able to have your children, anyway."
This is new information to me. "Probably? I thought you said it was impossible."
Blossom shrugs her shoulders, and I reach up to her face to wipe away some of her tears before she says, "Well, there are treatments or procedures that could make it possible, but the chance is so slim that I don't want to get my hopes up."
I feel a glint of hope in my heart.
And then I freeze, because why the fuck does this make me hopeful? I don't want kids either. I decided, after Brittany's pregnancy, that I should never be a father because it would probably just backfire on me again, didn't I?
So why do I feel like I lost something too, knowing that Blossom won't be able to get pregnant?
"You're saying that there's still a chance, then?" I ask, trying not to sound too optimistic.
Blossom nods, but even as she does, she looks sad. "Yeah. I guess so. I just would need to look into those treatments or whatever. It would probably be expensive, though."
Finally, there's something that I could help her with.
I take her face in between my hands. I keep my touch gentle, as I know that she's in an extremely fragile state at the moment, but I still hold her firmly enough that she has no choice but too look me in the eye as I speak.
"If one day, you meet a man who loves you as you deserve to be loved, and you marry him and want to have children with him, I want you to promise that you'll let me know if you need any financial help regarding your treatments. If you two are able to handle everything on your own, that's fantastic, but I want you to be happy and so if you need anything from me, you just give me a call, okay?" I say softly, genuinely just wanting to do anything I can to help Blossom out.
Surprisingly, my words do absolutely nothing to comfort Blossom.
Actually, she seems to shake even more and cry even harder.
"You don't get it. I want kids with you. I want to be the mom to your kids, Bryce. There will never be another man I want to share the experience of being a parent with, and there is no other man I trust enough to raise my children as well as you would," Blossom tells me shyly yet desperately, as though she's terrified to see how I may react.
I blink at her.
And then I pull her even closer to me and I bury my face into her hair as I sob with her, letting the tears fall freely as we mourn this loss together.
"I know you don't want kids, Bryce. I'm not mad at you for that, because it's your decision. I just hope that you can see why this is such a great loss for me," Blossom whispers through her tears.
I shake my head even as my face remains buried in her hair. "No. I get it. I didn't think I wanted kids either, but I think that was just because of what happened with Brittany. I do want kids though, Blossom. I want kids with you. I want it so badly. That's why I'm crying too."
Blossom stiffens in my arms, and I pull my face away from her hair so that I can look her in the eye.
"Oh. I thought you were crying because you think I'm pathetic and worthless," she says bluntly.
I furrow my eyebrows at her. "No, Blossom. Fuck, no. I'm crying because my heart is almost just as broken as yours is right now."
Blossom's hands are shaking when she reaches up for my face. "Really?"
I nod.
"It doesn't matter anymore, though. You can't marry me now. Not if I'll never be able to give you children," Blossom says in defeat.
All I can do for a moment is shake my head at her. "I still want to marry you, and one day, I will. I promise that you'll have little boys with amber eyes running around your house someday."
Blossom sniffles. "But we broke up."
I don't really know what I'm supposed to say in response to this, as she's simply stating the obvious, but eventually, an idea pops into my head.
"Do you remember how we made a deal that if when we both turn fifty and neither of us are in a relationship, we would move in together and adopt a bunch of dogs?" I ask.
"Yeah," is Blossom's simple response.
"Well, maybe we could change that plan a little bit. Instead, if neither of us are in a relationship by the time we turn thirty-five, we could move in together and try to have kids. How does that sound?"
Blossom blinks up at me. "Really? You really want that?"
I nod down at her, brushing the pad of my thumb against her cheekbone. "Yeah, honey. I really want that."
Blossom let's out a little sigh. "Doesn't thirty-five seem just a little bit late? I know we need time to see if our lives take us in different directions, but I don't want us to wait too long and miss our opportunity."
I shrug at her. "How about we wait fifteen years then. When you're thirty-three. Does that sound all right?"
She beams up at me, her first real smile since we began this conversation. "Okay. I like that."
Hoping to lift the mood a little, I hold out my fist in front of Blossom with my pinky finger still up. "Pinky promise?"
Her grin grows even wider as she loops her pinky finger through mine. "Pinky promise."
A/N: Did I cry twice while writing this chapter. Maybe?
I've known that I would have to write this chapter for awhile now, but that didn't make it any less sad to write. I've been hinting towards Lexi having fertility issues since the first book when her and Bryce talked about her really heavy periods and the bad cramps that came along with them, but writing about it just broke my heart because I feel like I just keep hurting her time and time again.
I've also been having a hard time with all this online school BS because it feels optional even though it really isn't lol. I need to prioritise school obviously, so I apologise that I'm not updating daily anymore, but I'm still trying my best.
PS: Always There is now officially the longest book in this series and I still don't even know how we got this far.