WARNINGS: AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR, DEPRESSION, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS (?)
Dan's POV
"Can you tell me what was going on in your head when you voluntarily overdosed? What did you feel while doing so?" Asked the psychologist as I sank in the armchair opposite her.
You could really call it that, because my body had slid down so much that I could have fallen asleep so easily.
"Well, I obviously thought that I didn't want to live anymore. How did you get your admission?" I answered spitefully, but she was not impressed by it.
"And do you still have these thoughts sometimes?"
Day after day. Hour after hour. Right now, right here, I wish I could just end it.
It just got worse instead of getting better. I also simply had too much time here to think about what had happened. Too much time to imagine in bed at night, how-
I saw the pictures from back then in front of me every second. How Tyler drew a line, how he punched me, how he let some guy into the apartment. How he lay next to me, apologized. How I knew I was completely fucked up, while holding him closer.
I didn't want to be here, actually I didn't want to be anywhere. Not even with Phil who had only called twice so far. After every phone call, I wished he had never called. Somehow it all made it so much worse.
"Mr. Howell?" She tore me out of my sleep-like state.
"Yes. I will go now I think." I replied and stood up.
"Your session is not over yet."
"I'm sorry, but I don't really care." I mumbled lost before I left the room and went back to my room.
Her last look had clearly revealed what she thought of me. Hopeless case mixed with a little pity. I don't think I've ever had a full session with her. I had always gone earlier or had said absolutely nothing. Although she was very nice, unfortunately, nice wasn't helping at all right now.
When I got to my room, I lay down on my bed and covered my view with my forearm so I didn't have to see the gray ceiling that I had been staring at for so many hours since I was here.
I couldn't take it anymore.
None of this made any sense to me. There was only one thing that would remedy me so that I no longer had the agonizing thoughts, but I wouldn't be able to get to them while I was trapped here.
Letting me locked up here was the craziest idea I've ever had. How could Phil, with just one shitty sentence and his pretty blue eyes, tempt me into letting myself be locked up in a shitty clinic for weeks.
Oh right, I love him. Fuck. And now this asshole can't even pay me a visit.
I wanted to get out of here.
And suddenly I remembered who I was. Which made me special and would help me get out of here. To finally get me what I needed.
I was an actor.
If I wanted the staff here to believe that I was fine and ready to be on my own, I could. Nothing easier than that.
And once I did that, nobody would stop me from satisfying my addiction. I would look for and find comfort in the cocaine as I used to. I didn't give a fuck if that didn't suit anyone.
That was my life and God knows I had tried to believe that there was another way.
That I could be happy in other ways without having to maintain the feeling with drugs every day. Maybe I just didn't deserve it better.
But that was okay for me, since I was used to being lonely back then. Even if I knew somewhere in me that Phil would never just throw me away. We never talked about ourselves even in the hospital, we always avoided the topic. There was something unspoken between us and maybe it would be better if it stayed that way. If he said it, I would have to deal with it and I couldn't.
So I always had him hold my hand in the hospital, sometimes cuddled with him, had him spread kisses on my forehead or cheek. Still, it was never addressed as if we were running away from this issue.
And since we were practically nothing, it wouldn't be too bad to run away from him too. And to be lonely forever.
Yes, loneliness was something you could live with. Not good and it left traces, but somehow it worked. You would get used to it, I had already got used to it. Even here, knowing that Oliver and Phil were with me, I was totally lonely.
Phil's POV
Actually, I wanted to bring Dan home with me, but Oliver had talked me into it so that I was sure that there was no way I could help Dan. I mean, I totally fucked up the first time.
Dan was unstable. He wasn't weak, no, on the contrary, but he couldn't pull himself out of this shit. Because he doesn't even notice how deep he is in it before it is too late or he simply ignores it, even if he is aware of it.
Oliver could see that immediately, but I couldn't, because I was so blinded by my emotions. Maybe that's why Oliver was responsible for him.
"Phil, can you maybe say something?" Oliver bit aside before getting up, not even giving me a chance to say something. He was switching off the camara.
He looked irritable, as you normally wouldn't know him. But he's been like that lately. He had changed especially towards me since he found out about Dan. He probably didn't really trust me anymore, but somehow I couldn't blame him. Of course he didn't know the background, but I also had to put up with his anger. I couldn't just tell him Dan's story just because he thought it was his due.
But it was not my intention that I obviously took the fun out of it here. I just hoped it would change as soon as Dan was back and he could at least fool around with him as before. When he finally feels better.
"It won't work like this." he commented on my behavior. "You look like Christ's suffering in the recording. How about if you smile or something?"
"Yes, yeah, sorry. Do it again from the beginning." I stepped in and sat up straight to finally be able to concentrate.
"Nah, Phil. I don't feel like it anymore. Nobody buys your played cheerfulness either."
"I'm sorry." I mumbled, running my hand through my hair, letting myself sink into his couch.
Oliver sighed and sat down next to me. He put his hand on my shoulder and I opened my eyes again.
"What's wrong with you?
If we wouldn't have been friends for years and somehow bound together by our job, I wouldn't have known whether he would have wanted anything to do with me at all. I was kind of sure that he was still mad at me for not telling him about Dan. And I was sure he was afraid. As if he couldn't see through Dan anymore. He probably didn't trust Daniel anymore either.
But what was wrong with me? I had no idea. Dan's attempt at suicide was still deep in my bones. I just couldn't forget how he got out of the bathroom and was convinced that he wanted to die. That he didn't want me to call for help. I could remember the blood, him passing out again and again. And all in our apartment. In the apartment where I lived, where I fell asleep and woke up every day.
And even though Dan looked like he was getting better, I just didn't believe him because I knew what he looked like that day. And I didn't tell Oliver about that either, and since Daniel didn't remember it, I was completely alone.
I hadn't even visited him because I couldn't stand it. I didn't want to see him in a clinic while he was stuck in a small room and tried to get healthy again. I actually wanted to ignore that Dan had become such a case.
"Philip." Oliver wrenched me out of my thoughts and I looked up to see his confused, worried look. "Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?"
"I don't know." That was probably half the truth.
"I think you need a break, Phil. From work. I can't believe that you're still doing this."
"I think a break is the last thing I need. At least a little distraction for me and the world."
"Your viewers won't buy your pretended good mood forever." I swallowed hard, had to admit that he was right. I didn't believe myself when I edited my videos.
As if my fake smile reveal everything. As if it would tell the whole world that my best friend has almost killed himself and is chilling in a rehab clinic, so hopefully he won't try again because I know exactly that he really wants to die, but I skilfully ignore this fact and- I shook my head and rubbed my face.
"You didn't even visit him. Why is that?" He asked gently and I wondered why he was still trying. Why he actually took care of me even though I was somehow to blame for everything.
"I can't do that, Oliver. I don't want to see him like that. In a clinic, that makes everything so much more real."
"It's real, Phil. It was real enough in the hospital, I think. You can't run from it. Not now. He needs you."
He had needed me before, and yet it wasn't enough. What should it bring him to see me now?
"Get up." He ordered and got up himself, looked at me promptly, whereupon I did the same. "I'm supposed to be there in half an hour anyway and you come with me."
"To Dan?"
"Yes."
"Oliver, I want-"
"Phil, you're one of my best friends, believe it or not. But now just line up in the back and drive with me to this fucking clinic, do you understand?" I swallowed hard, but then nodded, whereupon Oliver relaxed a little.
Well, I would come with him just this one time. Maybe Dan was angry with me because I didn't show up earlier and didn't really want to see me anymore. Maybe I could explain it to him and he would probably understand it. He was Dan, he would understand everything.
I followed Oliver and, on the way to the clinic, scraped the last strength I needed to muster.
Dan's POV
I looked restlessly at my watch, counting the minutes until my visit would arrive.
Oliver.
He was the only one who visited me regularly as we didn't tell the truth about my whereabouts to our other friends. So he was the only one who could distract me for a few hours and also the only one I wanted to see.
I didn't talk to him about what happened, even if he tried sometimes. He seemed to be coming to terms with it, talking to me about banal things, the future. I enjoyed every minute with him because I knew it wouldn't stay that way forever.
I just wanted to laugh. It was supposed to make me laugh and if it was only for five minutes so that I didn't lose the last bit of my mind.
Suddenly I heard footsteps near my door and a subsequent, careful knock.
"Dan? It's me, Oliver." I finally heard my friend's familiar, soothing voice.
"Yes, come in." I replied joyfully and sat up, since I had once again been lying on my bed listlessly.
"Hey, how are you today?" He greeted me and I hugged him with a big grin on my face.
"I'm good, how are you, buddy?" I replied.
"Quite well. Listen, Dan, I brought someone with me." I knew immediately who he meant, even though part of me really hoped it wasn't.
"Really?" I asked and pressed my lips together, whereupon Oliver nodded and a moment later I saw Phil entering the room with a meaningful posture. He was afraid, obviously feeling uncomfortable. Rightly so.
"Did you finally find your way here?" I asked, partly seriously, partly ironically.
"Yep." Phil said sheepishly, trying to smile slightly.
"Daniel?" Oliver wanted my attention again and I looked at him. "I'll come back to see you tomorrow, okay? But today you should talk." His hands were on my shoulder and I nodded understandingly, trying to smile.
He patted me on the shoulder one last time and left the room. Phil looked briefly at him, whereupon I let myself fall back onto my bed resignedly.
"Are you at least here voluntarily?" I addressed Phil, who was still sitting on the chair, completely depressed, and at first reacted to my question only with a weak shake of his head. Ouch, at least he could have lied.
"Oliver dragged me along." he almost whispered, then finally raised his head again and looked cautiously out of the small window in the room. "Dan, I'm sorry. I can imagine that you are really pissed off." He continued, still with a stubborn look outside.
"Actually, I am pretty pissed. To be honest, I'm feeling pretty screwed."
"I know."
"You wanted so much that I go here, promise to visit and help me and then you call a few times and that's all I've got from you so far?" I was pissed off. Now that he was sitting right in front of me, I realized how angry I was with him.
"I can't do that, Dan."
"You can't do that?" I asked confused. "What exactly? Help your best friend?"
"I can't see you like this. Here, in this little gray room, in this clinic. I fucking hate it."
"Dude, I live here. I'm in the rehab clinic. I'm the one with the fucking problem and now you come and say that you can't do this?" Somewhere very deep inside of me I understood him, every word he said, but right now I was so completely focused on myself and that it was me that was really bad and all I heard was that he didn't want to help me.
He finally looked at me, but I couldn't hold his gaze for long.
"I'm sorry Dan. I know that's terrible." he said with a sadness in his voice that tore my heart. Again. "I'm sorry I hurt you."
I swallowed hard and couldn't answer him. I wasn't angry with him, I was just totally pissed off. We didn't say anything for a while until Phil spoke again.
"Tell me how it is here. Does it help? I mean, do you still want-"
"What? Take drugs?" I hastily completed his sentence.
"Yes." He didn't look at me, preferring to play with his fingers. For a split second I wanted to tell him the truth. Almost like an unnecessary cry for help.
"It's getting better." I lied anyway.
"I'm glad." Again our eyes met briefly, I saw that he smiled weakly.
"You know what, Phil, maybe it will be easier for you outside than in here." I suggested and he smiled gently at me, whereupon I got up, he did the same and we went outside.
Phil's POV
The garden of the clinic looked beautiful. If you stood with your back to the clinic and ignored the high fence, you could almost have believed that you were simply standing in a park. In fact, the sight made things a lot easier. I just walked around with Dan, like we used to.
Of course he was mad at me, but I couldn't blame him. At least he hadn't immediately kicked me out of his room. At least he had given me a chance to explain my feelings to him, even if he didn't understand them. It was okay. He was okay.
"Are you still making videos?" Dan asked me at some point and I nodded. I had my hands buried in my pocket. Dan was wearing a gray hoodie and in fact it was so different from the black hoodie he used to wear. He looked different.
"It distracts me, gives me a little normalcy." I explained and Dan nodded understandingly, which for a moment surprised me. Maybe it was really better that we ran around here haphazardly and weren't locked together in this little room.
Dan's hair seemed to have grown longer over these few weeks and I would have loved to bury my hand in them. But this didn't seem to me to be the right place or time. He kinda looked as if he stopped caring about himself.
Suddenly Dan stopped, whereupon I did the same.
"What? Is your stamina giving way?" I tried to tease him, hoping that this tension between us would disappear.
"Shut up." But I could see the little smile just before it disappeared.
We just stood there for a while, in the middle of the garden and behind Dan I could see the clinic and it was so surreal. Dan didn't belong here, not for me. Dan was so pretty and so fucking young, he didn't belong here.
"I'm sorry, Phil." He started, which only confused me. "That I am here, that you are here. Must be a shitty feeling to see your best friend here. That was definitely not the fucking plan."
"You don't have to apologize for that."
"I know, I just wanted to have said it." He said and I swallowed hard. "Why did you tell me that I should go here if you find it so fucking difficult to visit me then?"
"Justified question." I tried to joke, but Dan was serious. "Fuck, listen Dan. You mean a lot to me and I want you to live and be fine. So I thought it would be the best idea if professionals took care of you. And I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, okay?" I explained and he nodded, but something broke in him and I saw it and frankly, at that moment I wanted nothing more than that he pulled himself together.
"I'm not fine, Phil." However, he broke and the tension in his body seemed to release. I had seen that before when I found out he was on drugs. His mask fell. "Not at all. I'm far away from fine."
His words slowly but surely robbed me of every spark of strength that was still there in me.
"That's okay, Dan." I said softly and took a step towards him. "It's okay."
It wasn't okay. Not anymore. It used to be okay because I thought he just wasn't feeling well and would be fine, but now I knew what it would mean for him if he wasn't fine. It meant blood and fainting. It meant drugs and withdrawal. It meant hospitals and clinics. It meant pain and tears. Screaming.
But what should I have told him. He had to trust me, he had to know that he was safe with me. Dan said nothing more and I saw a tear leave his eye.
"I want you to go." He said softly and at first I was pretty sure I had misunderstood.
"What?"
"I want you to go." He said clearly louder now and I swallowed hard. "Please."
"Why? Did I do something wrong?" Dan shook his head, not looking at me.
"I want to be alone." He murmured, whereupon I nodded in understanding. I took a step towards him, wanted to hug him, but he blocked. I paused for a second until he apologized and ended up leaving first. I stopped dead in the garden and watched Dan walk all the way back alone.
Dan's POV
I regretted telling him the truth. Not because he gave the wrong answer afterwards, honestly, there was no right answer at all, just because I told him. Because I still trusted him, would trust him forever. Because he was the one person I would always tell the truth to. To whom I would always be honest and who would always know everything about me. I didn't want to have a person that meant so much to me.
And as I ran back to the clinic, anger rose inside me. Anger at everything. Me, Phil, Oliver, Tyler, the clinic. On this whole fucking world.
Back in my room, I took off my hoodie and angrily threw it on the floor.
The chair on which Phil had been sitting was still slightly moved, making his presence as palpable as if he were still here.
I kicked against it, slinding my arm in a quick movement, furiously across the table, so that all the utensils clattered to the floor. I opened the doors of the wardrobe with a swing and emptied out my clothes, pulled them off the coat hooks, threw the unfolded clothes into the room. When there was nothing left, I hammered and kicked against the closet.
Then I only saw how the door was opened. How two men ran in, pulled me to the ground, I just screamed, was still so fucking angry. One of the men held me to the ground and then I only felt them ram a syringe into my arm. When I turned my head to the arm, I felt for a second that I could see Tyler ramming a heroin shot into it. But after I blinked a few times, it was only one of the supervisors.
And suddenly it was getting dark.
The next day I was stunned, tired. The doctors had told Oliver that my condition was normal. That explosive emotions were normal during withdrawal. I had been sitting on the floor with a blanket all day and even Oliver couldn't make me laugh.
Before he left, I said only one thing to him.
That I didn't want to see Phil here anymore.
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funny how i started to write this chapter so fucking unmotivated and then i just kept writing and this came out. and it isn't even that bad, right? cool. but i feel like my english skills left me in this chapter, so please correct me if there is a major mistake.
so, what do you think? do you understand phil and why he didn't want to see dan? do you understand dan? i hope you don't, lmao.
and what do we think about oliver? i like that dude, he will get more attention now.
love for oliver.
vote and comment for my happiness!