WORD COUNT/ 1.2k
NOTES/ kinda crazy how i chose to write a one shot about my assignment instead of actually doing it right haha
i even reached the same word count
that's clown emoji
** the first paragraph is an exerpt from billy-ray belcourt's poem "love and heartbreak are fuck buddies" from his book this wound is a world.
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love and heartbreak are fuck buddies who sometimes text each other at 10 in the morning. today, love asks: is this what the living do? as he tries to shit but can't because he doesn't eat enough fibre or exercise regularly. it's the little things that'll kill me, he adds. heartbreak responds, ignoring the first message: you emptied your body into the floorboards of me. they creak when i am lonely. if i am a haunted house, then let's make up a theory of negativity that notices the utopian pulse of sad stories like ours.
"between the both of us, who do you think is love and who do you think is heartbreak?"
kuroo looks at you with confusion clear in his expression before tilting his head and furrowing his brows. "what?"
you repeated yourself. "between the both of us, who in this scenario is love and who is heartbreak?"
he finds the question odd and almost incomprehensible. where did you come up with that kind of concept and why did it seemingly matter so much to you? it wasn't an everyday concept to claim love and heartbreak were fuck buddies, let alone feelings that, if personified, would text each other at 10 in the morning probably after spending the night together in empty passion. they were opposing spaces on the spectrum and kuroo felt they wouldn't even get along. but besides that, he wasn't so sure how he'd answer your inquiry on who would love and heartbreak be between you and him.
was this some sort of metaphor?
he had no clue.
"uh..." he stammered, now raising his brows with pursed lips, "well..." he glanced at you, not knowing where his stalling was going to take him. was this important to you? he wasn't so sure with the calm expression on your face.
you weren't even looking at him, eyes glued onto the screen of your laptop as you busied yourself with the keyboard. you were continuously typing and it didn't even seem as if you were paying any attention to him. though he knew better than to just ignore your question. maybe it was for an assignment and you needed help. he didn't want to leave you empty handed.
he cleared his throat and leaned back against his seat, letting his mind wander to analyze the question he was asked. who, between the both of you, would be love? who would be heartbreak?
in your relationship, kuroo had more ex's than you could count. he was rather mindless in junior and senior high, wanting attention from other people yet only really giving his attention to his favourite sport. he broke many hearts by accepting confessions only to have to break off the relationship months later because he couldn't maintain the connection between him and his other. he avoided the potential of seriousness and kept most of the relationships he casually brought himself into on a trivial level. much like heartbreak in the little exerpt you read to him, he would ignore anything that held emotional potential.
he sighed, suddenly unable to continue with his own work as he became a little too immersed into the simple inquiry you had. his brows furrowed once again and he nibbled on his bottom lip, continuing to think to himself.
when it came to you, you were always serious about relationships. you had 2 relationships before this and during the stage of getting to know each other for the first time, he learned that each time your heart was broken. you never got too deep into the explanation but it was brought to his attention that you always loved first. you fell so quickly, opened your heart so easily, cared so openly. maybe it was a downfall and resulted into your heart being broken but maybe your other just wasn't mature enough to look at the potential for the future. you told him you poured yourself out to them, emptied your body into the floorboards of them, gave your absolute all. and in return you were made to look like a fool, objectified and given attention to when the other was lonely.
so maybe yeah he was heartbreak and you were love but that wasn't what he wanted now. he didn't want to be heartbreak in the flesh and you to be love deemed naive and fragile. it wasn't what you two were now and it wasn't ever going to be the two of you in the future.
he took care of your heart and held it in his hands knowing it was delicate and fragile. you weren't some pass time to him, you weren't some form of entertainment to him, you weren't just a body. you were significant to him, his compliment, his lover. you were more than a naive version of this love you've read to him. you could voice your world of wounds to him and he'd listen to every syllable that leaves passed your lips. your world was his and he couldn't ever let the importance of you slip through his fingers.
"well," kuroo began softly which caught your attention, slowly bringing words together to form proper sentences, "i want to say that you're love and i'm heartbreak but i don't think our relationship is like that." he doesn't allow for any space to be created where you can hear his words in the wrong way. "if i was heartbreak and you were love, i wouldn't treat you like that, y/n. you're not a pass time nor would i ever disregard what you feel or have to say in a moment of vulnerability. you're much more than someone i go to just because i'm lonely. you'reㅡ you're the reason that i'm not lonely and i cherish every moment i share with you because you're my lover."
his eyes seemed to stare into your soul as he spoke and you couldn't help but feel butterflies in your stomach. you felt warm and fuzzy with the way he spoke and the diction in his explanation. there was clear thought into what he spoke and there was no denying he was serious when he said what he said. it was heart warming, reassuring really, and you found yourself unable to comprehend just how fortunate you were to be with someone as loving and sincere as he was. despite being an asshole more often than not, kuroo's heart was pure and he held you closer than you orginally thought.
you gave him a smile and nodded, unable to help but giggle as you returned your gaze to your laptop. originally, it wasn't that deep. it was just a question that came into mind as you worked through an assignment with the poem you read a part of to him. it was just some mindless thought you assumed would fly right over his head but instead you were explained a love that was irreplaceable and sincere. you were lucky, fortunate really, and you couldn't help but fall in love once again.
"i love you," he said softly, your attention brought to him once more.
your smile widened and you nodded once again. "and i love you, tetsurou."